Yogagurl

Addiction and the way that an addict thinks - addicts don't appear to be remorseful for their behavior. The trend is to use a person until that person can't serve you anymore and to move on, without consequence, to the next enabler. No remorse, no looking back. Once you begin to say no, there is no reason for an addict to be with you. I am trying to wrap my head around this. Addict uses you, addict loses you, addict moves on with no remorse, blames everything on you, hates you, and hurts you. You, who did everything. You who carried the addict on your back, trying to save them from themselves. You are left behind, exhausted, confused, tormented, and without remorse for the behavior of the addict. I haven't been able to accept this is just the way it is.

hopeful4

Hi YG. You have expressed it perfectly. That is 100% just what they do. It's very hard to accept, but it will come. Right now I am watching my X do it to the next victim who I feel sorry for b/c my children like and care about her. Horrible, just horrible.

I can only say that time heals so very much.

Tight hugs my friend.

zoso77

What helped me accept it was the understanding that the addict's behavior had nothing to do with me. That's just how they roll. And once I stopped personalizing it and looked at it objectively, as an illness and a disease, the acceptance readily came. Once it clicked, it was very, very easy to let go and not let the behavior eat at me.

You, too, will get to this point. In time, and at your own pace.

Needabreak

This is exactly what they do. And it is why we must protect ourselves, and keep ourselves out of these types of relationships. It takes a long time for many people to realize this. Congratulations for getting through the denial!

Now the hard part: figuring out what it is within you that caused you to set yourself up for this. I put out this question because I see so many people go from one relationship to another, without processing what happened in the first, only to find that the next relationship has the same dysfunctional dynamics.

I think it has to do with how people treated us when we were growing up. I know that my mother had a tremendous and constant fear of abandonment. And as a little child I somehow felt responsible for this, and for making her happy again. I wanted to fix her.

I definitely saw this dynamic come up in my own relationship with an addict, and stayed for far longer than I should have. Therapy and self-analysis has brought me to a place where I understand this about myself, and in the dating game I tend to cut people loose much earlier now if I feel that they are playing on this dynamic with me.

Realizing how we were used in a relationship with an addict can be very sad, even devastating at first. But for me, as I have thought things through and come to terms with what happened for my own personal growth, it has been deeply empowering.

martina12

Thats exactly what happened to me...you have said it perfectly!

I was used by my XAH, saw him through rehab etc etc, then when he started drinking vodka again and I tried to stop him he couldn't get out the door quick enough. Moved in straight away with another vodka drinking gf with no remorse etc. Just hatred and yes blame for it all on me.I could not believe it all happened so quickly!

Its 18 months later and I'm still trying to come to terms with it.

I have just heard that he has now dumped the vodka drinking agf and found another vodka drinking agf!

I just hope that one day I can find the confidence to start dating again...

Yogagurl

It's difficult because I border the fence - on one hand, I am angry that he can get away with all this and just move on so carelessly and effortlessly to someone who is supporting him and doing as much for him as I did. He just keeps moving. On the other hand, if he has someone to entertain him then he will stay away from me. On the day that he changed his relationship status on Facebook, he started stalking me - or he announced publicly that he knew where I lived. So, if he's with someone else, that gives me more space to walk away and to have peace.

It just seems so unfair. SO unfair that I could give and give and give and he took and took and took and that I'm still giving because now I have to hire an attorney since he broke into my home, and take self defense classes, and buy a gun. It just doesn't stop and he just keeps going and going and going. It's SO SO unjust!!! He will likely just get a slap on the wrist in court since the charges are just misdemeanors and I'm sure he doesn't care since he's already got misdemeanors on his record.

I mean, really. What kind of a human being does such horrible things to another human being and just gets away with it, finds the next victim, and keeps moving? It blows my mind and makes me feel so so used.


This is great. This is motivating and inspiring and I know that I will be able to move into a mindset one day when I can say that I have been empowered and developed as well. In the mean time, it's just such a low blow.

hopeful4

YG, now it's important to look at yourself, as to why you were attracted to this person I the first place. We tend to be fixers and are attracted to people we can "fix" or we overlook major red flags. Instead of asking yourself how this could have happened, ask yourself how you are going to prevent it from happening in the future.

XXX

Needabreak

He is who he is. Why not let someone else be angry at him for a change. You have given him enough head space.

I knew I had come a long way when my anger toward my ex was replaced by a sense of gratitude that I had the strength to get off the roller coaster, that I had put the experience behind me. I was thankful that I had my life back,

zoso77

A sick human being.

And by the way, what exactly has he gotten away with? From my vantage point, he is fully locked into a slow, steady death spiral, and one that he's making no effort to free himself from.

Focus less on him and more on you. Trying to figure out why he does what he does is fruitless and a complete waste of time and energy. He does what he does because he's an addict. It's that simple. Focus on you, how to protect yourself, and how to recover.

NotSoSmart

He is the gift that keeps on giving isn't he? Except his gift is fruitcake and nobody wants that.

I'm sorry you're going thru this - the stalking and the breaking into your house. Last I'd heard those are felonies not misdemeanors. Hopefully the legal system will see it that way. It sounds like you are angry because he hasn't had to suffer any consequences of his behavior/actions.

Ive heard that an active A is a parasite seeking a host.The way I see it is that I no longer have to be sucked dry until I'm a shell of a person by these A's - I can learn about myself, why I am a good target for them and change those aspects so i never fall prey again.

\

Hawkeye13

yogagirl, please go back and reread you old posts.

What he did is wrong and hurt terribly, but you do need to be honest and ask yourself
what role you have had in all this.

When you reread, you will see how you kept going back and accepting this terrible treatment over and over.

Getting at the reasons for that will not only help you heal, but to understand how never to get involved with a person like him again.

Wishing you a better New Year. . .

Turtle82

Its a sad thing to have to say this but, in all honesty, sometimes its not the substance. Sometimes its a personality disorder and the person is the same after they get clean and/or sober. I deal with that in a family member. It has been a living hell whenever I've taken their behavior personally. I have to work my own program hard if or when that happens. The best I can do turning the experience into a positive is that I've learned from it. There are many people like this and they don't all do drugs or drink. They just don't have the built-in ability to care and really don't get how they hurt others. The education you've gotten will serve you well in the future. Take care.

Yogagurl

Since the break in, I am finding that I am being psychologically pulled in the direction of my ex AH. I think that I'm angry that he has gotten away with so much. And then, I find myself blaming myself for the way that he treated me. Like, I'm angry with myself for staying around so long. And then I waver to that little glimmer of a decent human being that he had within himself that was kind to the elderly and kids.

A friend of mine told me that she saw him and his new girlfriend in church yesterday and that's when I found myself really getting angry. I heard through the grapevine that he's basically giving different stories to different people about why he was in jail for 48 hours over Christmas.... He's acting like he didn't break down my door and the females that were with him were completely innocent to the whole thing. So, he shows up in Church, exactly one week after he was bailed out of jail by his new white trash girlfriend. I should be happy to hear that he is in church, praising Jesus, and asking God to forgive him - he is trying to make a mend in his ways. Yet, I find myself angry at the hypocrisy of it. His family, always accepting to him once he shows up to church and turning the other cheek when he's in jail for breaking and entering and assault. He is coddled by every single human being that crosses his path. I am the polar opposite of who he is and I can't think of a soul in this world that would cater to me the way that man is catered to. And it effects me because I see how the whole thing is going down and I feel almost gaslighted, like there's something that I am doing wrong since it appears to be so freaking acceptable to behave the way that he behaves.

hopeful4

YG, of course it's not acceptable. But....he is a liar and a manipulator. They don't spend time with him on a level that you did, so of course they don't know the true him. I have the same crap. My X actually sings for our praise band at church. Ha....he only does so to give himself an audience b/c he feeds off of their praise as he is talented. However, his faith...nothing.

I think you are hurt that he is moving on and is putting up this front and that people seem to fall for it. Thing is, they may not be. Who cares.

YOU are doing nothing wrong. YOU have to stay on your side of the street. The more involved you are in this man and his whereabouts, the more it hurts you. Let go. He will self destruct. It may not be on your timeline, but it will very likely happen.

Please don't start talking to him and start this cycle all over again.

Tight Hugs.

Doiredreams

hi there, this is exactly how I feel. I don't know if their feelings are so suppressed by what they are doing but it seems so cruel and callous. It is as if they are robots and don't care how much they hurt you and torment you. I had many good years without all of this addictive personality stuff with my ex partner and then suddenly all the old behaviours started coming up, first the ambivalence, then the blame and resentment, then the creating arguments out of nowhere and then leaving me for someone else. Then she came back into my life and I was over the moon but then I realised that she just wanted to offset her guilt with buying me things, there was and still is no evidence of any of the pain of loss in her that I feel about our split even though we were together for 16 years and I have terrible trouble understanding how this can be. There is no emotion there. It is like she has turned into someone cold and keeps her motivation for seeing me to herself. Yet still she vehemently denies going off with someone else and living with them. One day when the truth almost came out of the woodwork she blamed me and said I was checking up on her and again blamed me for our split up. It is a living hell and I feel so lost and lonely about it. I am currently at university trying to complete my degree and yet I am falling behind because all I can think about is her and the confusion she has left me with and the pain.

Yogagurl

@Doiredreams - I am likewise falling behind in my day to day activities an in my performance at my job because I am preoccupied with the torture of knowing someone can be so ..... cruel? Cold? Robotic? You put it all pretty well with your reply to my thread. I also agree this is a living hell. Such a lonely place to be when you pour your soul into something so empty. I pray for a fast recovery for you and that you are able to get over this soon.

zoso77

YG...

Allow me to be blunt. Whether you're aware of this or not, you're making a choice to be preoccupied with it. Whereas, outside looking in, I can look at this guy and write him off as an addict doing what addicts do. There are some very sick, very disturbed people out there who think nothing of being sadistic towards others. And that doesn't reflect upon their victims. It reflects upon them.

My AXGF left 3 years ago this month, and as I've mentioned, she was pretty sadistic on her way out the door and did things to make my life very difficult (which I can't talk about). But that had nothing to do with me. Nothing whatsoever. And since then, she's tried to provoke me on multiple occasions. She's tried to get me down into the mud with her.

And the biggest decision I made was to both write her off as an addict/Borderline Personality and not feed any negative emotions. Feeding all the nasty stuff would have stunted my recovery. I refused to get into the mud with her. I was f'ing done with her and her garbage. And I know, because she's both an addict and a Borderline, that me not engaging with her p!ssed her off to no end.

Read what you're writing:

Because that's what he is. Boom. Done. Acknowledge it, accept it, and don't go down into that rabbit hole because otherwise, you end up where you are.

Disengage. He is what he is, which is an addict and a sick bastard. Done. Feed the good stuff in your life. Nurture that stuff, not the nasty stuff.

C'mon, YG...you can do that, right? The best revenge is a life well lived, on your terms and on your timeline. F him.

Respectfully...
Z

HollyC88

This is 100% how I felt with my XABF! No more fixer uppers!!

Hawkeye13

You are still going back to him again, but this time in your head.

Zozo is right. Acknowledge he's a screwed up crazy addict and get back to your own life.

You deserve more and will have it once you evict him permanently from your emotional real estate.

KariSue

I agree with zoso that you are 'choosing' to be preoccupied with it. But hey, don't beat yourself up. We all do it until we learn not to. Just yesterday, my son got arrested and I am better than the last time he got arrested. Progress (but not perfection).

Let me say that you, I and every one on this board have a right to be pi$$ed as h---. We truly do. We put up with a LOT. We don't deserve one bit of it. But I guess we have to limit the time we are pi$$ed because if we don't the dwelling on it will hurt US.

I told my husband this when he gets road rage (an otherwise gentle man). I challenged him to look at what exactly happens to HIM when he gets upset about things he can do absolutely nothing about. There are always and forever going to be jerks on the road. BUT when he reacts, HIS blood pressure goes up, HE gets stressed, HIS grumpy mood affects me and others in our family and so on. AND there will still be jerks on the road. So the trick is to accept that there will be jerks and find a way to let it not bother you. 'Practice' not letting it bother you. Sometimes I give them the finger down low where they can't see it (lest they pull over and shoot me, lol). Mostly it doesn't bother me anymore at all but if it really does then they get the down low finger and it makes ME feel better. Kinda, I start laughing because I feel so ridiculous but so what. It is a release of my feelings.

Here is a quote that helps me. I don't know who wrote it. "I can't change how I feel right now but I can change how I think and act."

Be good to yourself. You've been through a lot. You deserve a break so give yourself one any way you can. That is what I am going to do today.

Hugs, Kari