brokenheart435

So the kids keep asking me if they can just talk to their dad. With what is going on with him...Should I try getting ahold of him to let them talk to him or try finding him to let them see him or would that be stupid of me? They haven't seen or heard from him in about 3 weeks and they just keep asking to please talk to him. Is it best to not try contacting him or should I try for them?
Any advice on what I should do? This whole situation is just so stressful and sad. My heart breaks for my children. They love him so much. They don't know yet about him already asking his AGF to marry him...since he told them when he left less than 2 months ago that he would be coming home and that we would never be getting divorced.

hopeful4

I would tell them he is not in a very good place right now and that hopefully he will come around to talk to them soon, but for right now it's best to give him some space.

Just my .02

brokenheart435

Hopeful
Thank you ♡

AnvilheadII

i agree with Hopeful, 100%. it's best to acknowledge and validate what they feel....they miss their dad. they do not and should not know all the gory details. they miss him and that is ok. but right now is just not a good time and some things need to get sorted out.


what about suggesting they write him a letter and you can save it/them to give to him some other time, at a later date, when appropriate.

brokenheart435

Thanks I will try that.
Sadly I'm not sure that he'll ever come to see them or talk to them again now that he's got a new family. I just pray they won't hold resentment in their hearts and end up down the same path as he's taken because of their hurt and pain.

GardenMama

Try not to future-trip about your kids, just stay in the present. I really like the letter idea. It might also instill a habit of writing their feelings down. You might even get them each a little journal to write their dad whenever they feel like talking to him.

I know you are hurting, and it is so hard to be all the best for your kids when you are in pain, but you are doing great. Hugs to you.

brokenheart435

Thanks...I will do my best to stay in the present.
And thank you for the journal idea I think that's a great idea I appreciate it
*Hugs*
BH

story74

No, I would not try to contact him. Let your kids know that he is sick.

brokenheart435

Story-
Thanks for your advice.
I just went back and read your first posts and wow our stories are so similar. You're the first one so far that seems to have gone through almost exactly the same thing I am going through now :'( . I'm so sorry. I really hope things are better for you now.

ShootingStar1

I don't know how old your kids are, but it is helpful to them to make sure they understand that their dad didn't go away because of them. They didn't do anything wrong or in any way cause his absence. Otherwise, kids are often prone to thinking that they caused this to happen.

ShootingStar1

brokenheart435

They are 12 and 17. Yes I have told them over and over again that this is not their fault and that we have no control over what has or will happen. I told them I know their dad loves them but that he's sick and the drugs have him doing things and acting in ways he wouldn't normally. I just keep hoping they don't try taking blame. I do keep reinforcing that it is NOT their fault and nothing they have done or do can make him change if he's not ready or willing to do so. They are still having a very hard time with it. Both of them in different ways. My son is more hurt, especially since it's his last year of school and his dad always told him that he would be there for him always and have his back no matter what. and my daughter is more angry and hurt as well...she wants him to know how much pain he's causing her and how bad it hurts what he's doing. She's angry because the last time she spoke to him he promised to come see them for Christmas and they never seen or heard from him at all. I am hoping the Alateen meetings will help them and i'm hoping that they will be willing to open up. They really don't have close friends or anyone they feel they can talk to besides me. I think they are hurt and embarassed but like I told them they need to talk and get their feelings out or it will end up hurting them by holding everything inside.

Does anyone know if there are any forums or places like SR for teens with addict parents?

airwick

I believe there is a Forum on SR for that. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Children with addicted or alcoholic parents

brokenheart435

I see one for Adult Children but nothing for teens or children. Am I looking wrong or do you know where I can find the one you are talking about?
Thank you

hopeful4

Brokenheart, I am not sure but have asked a moderator who should answer soon.

GardenMama

Brokenheart, now that I see their ages, I have one more thing to add.

Depending on the ages of the kids at the Alateen meeting, your older son may get more out of an Alanon or NarAnon meeting. Just keep that in mind. My daughter was 14 when she first went to one and felt such relief being with kids who understood what she was going through. But by 16, she was not as able to relate to the 9-12 year olds there and was not getting much out of the meetings any more as a result. If he doesn't like it, just ask that he try an adult meeting. No one will know he's not 18 and no one checks IDs anyway! It may take a few meetings for any of you to feel at ease, so just keep going. Our group says 6 times and then decide.

zoso77

Protect them at any and all costs. It's a simple as that.

Your AH has abandoned them by choice. I would not allow him to have any contact with your kids. That's the price he pays for the life he's living.

brokenheart435

Thanks for your help Hopeful. I got a message with a link I appreciate your help!!

brokenheart435

Thanks so much for the info!! I will have him check out the Alateen one first with his sister since this is all new to him too (we've never had to deal with something like this so close to home) and if it doesn't seem to help or he's not relating as much after a couple of times I will have to try the Alanon. We don't have any NarAnon meetings here that I can find. I assume Alanon is the same or will help the same?
Also does anyone know if the Celebrate Recovery meetings are for all ages or more geared towards adults?

brokenheart435

Thanks Zoso
I worry about the hard time they are having and will have never seeing or hearing from him again because they love him so very much and before he left he was always telling them how much he loved them. But its true it's a choice he made to leave them and live the life he's living. It makes me angry and hurt and also my heart breaks for his AGF children that may get attached to him and he hurt them as well. FRUSTRATING!! It makes me angry and hurt that so many innocent children and loved ones are affected by this garbage :'(

hopeful4

I attend Celebrate Recovery. They normally have what is called The Landing which is for teens. It is also for adults with any hurt, hangup, or habit. Men go w/men, women with women according to the group you wish to join (Codependency, Chemical Dependency, etc). I credit CR for saving me during one of the hardest times of my life.