abwildrose

hi all!

I live in Canada and have been with my common-law DH for 10 years. We have 3 beautiful kids and generally life is good. Over the years I've found out my dh snorts cocaine. My question is: can a person be an occasional coke user? He is a decent guy/dad and we have a good relationship, he works ft, and smokes cigarettes and weed but almost never drinks alcohol. I found out about the cocaine 5 yrs ago. He promised he'd stop but he hasn't. He knows I know because everytime I've confronted him about it he first starts to lie but then admits to it.

So this sounds kind of dumb but can you be overweight and still addicted to it? I always thought coke addicts were all thin and "jumpy"? My dh is overweight and pretty chill. I know when he's using because his attitude changes and he gets that nervous energy.

I want him to quit but he's trying to convince me he's NOT addicted, that he can go months without it (whereupon I say so why bother starting again? And he says every once in awhile he likes it when he has a bit extra $$ whatever). That's another issue: money. If he has extra money, why not spend it on the family? He is secretive and will lie - often about the lamest things - and that honestly bothers me as much if not more than the actual using.

Anyway, he spins a nice tale and I get sooo confused and start to doubt myself. I don't want us to split up, other than that things between us and our family as a whole are really good.

So, blablabla...all that to ask:
1. Can you be an occassional user?
2. Can you be fat and addicted?

Thanks for reading! 😊

allforcnm

Hi wildrose,

My husband used cocaine for a little while. His main drug was prescription meds back in the day.. I do think people can use the drug without actually becoming "addicted" .. in fact most people who try drugs never get addicted from what Ive learned, but that of course does not mean its "healthy" or "legal" to do so...

This is one of the resources I often suggest to people.. there is tons of info on this site, it talks about what to do if your concerned about someones drug use, info for family and friends, and treatment recommendations, etc. It also gives a breakdown of the different drugs.. so I will link you to that page for starters.. DrugFacts: Cocaine | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)

Not sure about being fat...cocaine is a stimulant so in general I think it would speed up the metabolism.. but my husband was just "medium"weight & by the time he stopped using he had lost weight and didn't look healthy to me...

I think another thing to consider is just how his using and associated behaviors affect you, your relationship, and your living environment. Is he aware of how his behavior is affecting these things would be another good question to consider.

KariSue

My son was described by a drug counselor as a "binge user". That is when one can go for a period of time and not use and then binges and then goes back to not using and back and forth. It is soooo frustrating.

My son is on probation now for cocaine possession. That's the only reason I know cocaine is his drug of choice. It's official...unfortunately.

I'm not sure about the weight issue. My son has always been a normal weight for his height and then he gained weight and was overweight but not really huge. But he also hurt his back and wasn't/isn't working and his job had been a very physical one where he got a lot of exercise. I don't think it was the drugs that affected his weight. It seemed more like the sedentary vs. active lifestyle. I'm really not sure but my guess is that you can be overweight and addicted. Especially with binge users as they aren't 'always' using. During that time they aren't using they may be eating badly and not exercising.

The lying is typical of addicts but I agree with you that it bothers me as much as the using.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Kari

abwildrose

Thank you both for your insight. The binge using makes sense! I've seen that Drug Facts site before and other sites and that's where I also get confused because they all say cocaine is highly addictive and that gives me the impression that once you try it then you can't stop and it escalates. But that's not the case with my DH.

So then I have to ask: how would you support someone like him - binge user but it isn't majorly effecting his life? Or is it? Idk, I get confused with that part, if that makes sense. I want him to stop but he doesn't see it as a huge issue because "he's in control and it doesn't control him" (his words). Or maybe it is a huge deal and I'm trying to convince myself it's not. All these questions and doubting drive me crazy!

carguysgirl

Hi, my thought I'd this, rather than worry about whether it's your bf or the coke that is in charge within their relationship I would be concerned with the lying and the different approaches to saving versus spending of money that you and your bf seem to have.
Sorry to be super brief-but it's tough using my phone in this site. Hope you get my point though.

FlippedRHalo

Absolutely he can be overweight. My best friends brother was a coke addict and was very overweight. He ended up dying while using one night. Heart attack at 31 years old.

KariSue

I can only answer looking at my son's experience. It can and did get worse. The 'bingeing' pattern is somewhat similar to the more frequent user's behavior but it just takes longer to get to the worst of it if they don't wake up and quit.

You are seeing that now in that your DH is lying to you, denying there is a problem, causing money problems, making you uncomfortable and worrying you. Whether or not he says he can control it is beside the point. The bottom line is that you don't like it or want it in your relationship. So it may not be a problem for him (of course not, he is getting high and it feels good) but it is for you. Therefore there is a relationship problem even if he claims there is not a drug problem (when it is probably clear to most of us here that he does have a problem). Not to mention it is illegal. It might not be a huge problem now but it IS a problem.

I can't stress strongly enough that you need your own bank account that he can't access and I'd lock up all my valuables....just in case. I could never in a million years believe that my own son would steal from me for drug money but yep, it happened more than once. Not trying to scare you. Really just trying to save you some money.

Kari

AnvilheadII

binge user but it isn't majorly effecting his life? Or is it?

it's affecting YOU enough to find your way here! regardless of what label we give him - addict, binge user, recreational user - what matters is how it affects YOU.

this has been an ongoing issue for at least FIVE YEARS. and he probably uses more than you are aware. coke ain't cheap and you are right, that's money NOT going towards the household. going up his nose.

some issues.....chances are high his use will increase. there is the possibility that he might switch from snorting it to smoking it - crack is cheaper and is a much faster high. there are also the issues of where he's getting it, whose he's hanging with when he uses, and what he does while high. coke makes people do some crazy sh!t.

I was a crack addict for 4.5 years. don't think I ever dropped a single pound, even when we were using every other day. there really isn't a stereotypical coke addict anymore than all alcoholics are winos living under bridges drinking MD 20/20 out of a paper bag.

addiction is sneaky. it's not like you snort one line and then go all Charlie Sheen the next day. and it's not about the quitting. its about STAYING QUIT. which your DH can't or won't do. in fact when confronted he DEFENDS his drug use. addiction must be protected at all costs.

it IS a huge deal....for you. whether he comes around and makes the necessary changes, remains to be seen.

does he bring the dope home and use IN the home? or does he go disappear for days at a time? do you have the ability to restrict how much money flies out of the account?

abwildrose

Thank you for this, you really explained it in ways that I've never thought before! I'm always so focused on HIM and how it's affecting him...duh, forget that, it's affecting ME, and I can only change me. And yes again on what you said, it's not about quitting it's about staying quit!

He doesn't disappear for days (or even hours), I'm positive he brings it home and uses it here when we're not around. We have always had separate bank accounts but I have a pretty good idea how his paycheque is spent (how much for mortgage, bills, groceries...and then what's left).

So I guess now it's more about what I need to do for me to function. I've always phrased it as 'how can I support him'. So another question: al-anon runs in 2 different places in my town but Nar-anon is in the city about 25min away. Should I make the effort to attend those or is Al-anon ok for now (at least until the weather turns nicer)?
Thx again.

ubntubnt

Yes to both questions.

wantfreedom62

my understanding is that addiciton is a disease of the "ATTITUDE", not of the subtance. whether is alchol or drug, once in a while or 24/7, the fact that you're questioning it, makes me think some behaviors are happenning that you're finding upsetting.
You coming here and getting help for yourself is the best thing you can do. I would recommennd visiting a Naranon meeting, for families and friends of addicts and just go and listen.

Hawks

He's playing with fire on 3 fronts.

If he continues to use, he runs a risk of developing full blown addiction ie: daily

He may be able to hide minor use from you. Could be by the time he is really hyped up, he has had a few big lines, but might be sneaking little top ups more often than you are aware of.

Thirdly..... I don't know what the laws are in Canada, but generally, in most countries, Coke possession is pretty big trouble. Even an amount for personal use is usually enough for a conviction, record and if it is over the personal use limit, it's big trouble with jail almost a certainty.

The weight issue is actually an indication that he quite possibly is being truthful.

It does decimate your appetite and daily abuse does very often see people lose weight in a crash style fashion.

Keep an eye on that for certain.

Otherwise I think the best thing to do is try to get the message through about the consequences of getting caught with any amount.

Frothy emotional appeal generally doesn't work, so stick to the facts about the behavior / consequences.

Best of luck with it

FeelingGreat

My DIL was a party user but never became addicted. I drank for years, and it gradually ramped up to drinking every night. Not saying that will happen with him, but while he continues to use there is a risk.
C is unhealthy and can affect cardiovascular function, but I don't know the frequency and dose; I suppose it would vary.
Would he lose his job if he was caught buying or using?

I agree with you about the money side, and I've never worked out how people with children would have separate bank accounts, but that would be another area of concern.

Do some research, tell him why it worries you, but in the end you can't force him to stop. I hope he can though.