njw1968

So my AS is in his third inpatient rehab. It's been 6 weeks. He isn't sleeping and getting very discouraged. I talk to him every day. He has no ambition or motivation to exercise or play guitar or read. He even skipped his courses today. I'm trying so very hard to be hopeful and positive but it's getting harder and harder. I pray that God will help him in some way. I just don't feel like I'm being heard. I am enjoying the peace but my head isn't peaceful. Now insurance is fighting us so I'm not sure what is going to happen. Take a loan and pray????? The contact person I speak with says opiates cause a lot of sleep problems I know my son has had sleep issues even before drug use. He has so much anxiety and depression but this is a holistic rehab that doesn't prescribe meds. I guess they are trying to get him "Normal?" Before diagnosing him. I don't think there is a "normal". I haven't seen it in years. I just want to hear something positive. I bought tickets for my daughter and I to go visit him at the end of January and I'm having my doubts. I just have this sick pit in my stomach.

GardenMama

I am sorry for your stresses. All I know that there is nothing we can do, really. It is his recovery, and his choice to work it or not...that doesn't take the sting of worry away, though, and for that I send hugs and peace your way. If it were me, I would not take any loans out to pay for someone else's rehab, ever. He's been there and he's got the tools. He may need methadone or suboxone--my daughter did and got it after 90 days of inpatient. She too has always had trouble sleeping, managing depression and anxiety.

What can you do to not worry yourself sick over him? Do you need to speak every day? Maybe a break of a couple days would be good for both of you. Just a thought.

Peace & calm your way, NJW.

iamunique

oops sorry don't know how to delete this

iamunique

Hey NJW,
When you find ' normal' please let us know
I hope you are finding some peace with all this
Prayers going up for you and your son.

zoso77

I didn't know he played guitar.

Not to hijack the thread, but one of Fender's masterbuilders just sent me a Telecaster based on a '69 pink paisley Tele. One of the ways I got through the ordeal with my AXGF was with music, specifically guitar. It's sad that your son will not seek solace in music.

Unfortunately, there's little you can do.

A few years back, my clinician, who is also an addictions specialist, sent me the following about what it's like to give up an addiction:

See, the thing about opiates is once you get a taste of them, you don't care about anything. You don't feel anything. You're in this chemically induced bliss where nothing matters. This is what your son has been doing to himself for years: inducing chemical bliss. And now, he's feeling things he doesn't want to feel.

If he wants to get better, he's going to have to learn how to sit with all the stuff he doesn't want to feel. It is not going to be easy.

Use your best judgment regarding your visit to see him. If you do go, it may be best to leave your daughter behind. My $0.02.

Txhelp

It's difficult to sit back. I would encourage less calling. I know you want to support but he is surrounded by it....this is for him to figure out. You need a break. Let him know you love him but will call less. He needs to learn to turn to others and use his tools in healthy ways.

My son was similar with the calls....complaining, self centered talk, and ultimately walking out, returning and completing the program. Then using soon after.

I learned to not solve his issues. I had canned answers. " I am sorry. You may want to talk to your counselor about that....oh, I have to go. Gosh, that's tough....you will figure it out. "

This is a long road. Ugh

Chino

I second that suggestion.

My daughter recently said I'm her 'go to' person when she needs an ear for a few minutes. But I won't allow longer than 10 minutes and definitely not every day. It's become more like once a month. I figure if she needs more than that, she needs more time with her therapist.

Q: If your son doesn't have you to rant or whine to, who does he have?
A: Therapists, counselors and peers.

maia1234

NjW- I know it is difficult but you need to let him go. You need to detach and let him do this on his own. Dont call him. I copied this below from SR and I read it daily. Let him go and do his thing..... His sobriety has nothing to do with you. It's really none of your business. You need to do your thing about you getting healthy, detaching and educating yourself on addiction.

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...

The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...

I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

GardenMama

How are you doing, NJW?

hopeful4

Hi NJW. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult time. I second giving him some space. He needs a support system that is not you, and he is in just the right place to get that. You also need to take this time as a break for yourself.

Tight, tight hugs.

Lovenjoy

thinking of you njw and wishing us all a more peaceful new year. this really is the time to cultivate peace for yourself and your daughter. i know i had to make a conscious effort to promote peace in my life. i think i became so conditioned to the chaos that it was difficult for me to jump off that train - thought/emotion/anxiety - and allow myself to breath again.

just breath. meditation has been really helpful and face to face in alanon and therapy helped me learn to let go of the learned defensive behavior that active addition had created in me. my therapist said it was like my radar was always on. that helped. i've learned how to turn the radar off.

be kind to yourself hon. time for you to heal. i've had to work as hard on my recovery from codependency as i pray my son will someday work on his recovery. it is as important. we may not be the addict but we still need to get back to the light...

may you know peace tonight as we start a new year...

Ann

Keeping your son in my prayers. In the end, this is all between him and God.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.