nessaC23

Hey guys I'm new to this app and was just wondering how it all works. My husband is a functioning alcoholic and substance user. He says he wants to quit but doesn't make up a plan on how. I don't know what to to do help him because I've never had to deal with this type of thing before. I'm very hurt and angry with him because he's covered all this up from me and I feel like he's extremely selfish. So basically I just need to know what I can do to help him get sober.

Impurrfect

nessaC23 - Welcome to SR, though sorry for what has brought you here.

I hope you read around other posts and threads in this forum. Most of us come here wanting to know how to get someone else clean and/or sober. What we realize is that's not possible. What we CAN do is make the most of our own live's, regardless of what our loved one's do.

I know that must sound like a foreign language to you, right now, but I will share a little bit of my ES&H (experience, strength and hope).

I was an undiagnosed codependent, I spent a couple of decades trying to get my loved one to stop drinking, to be THE person he'd stop drinking for.

It didn't happen, I found myself turning to alcohol and then drugs in order to deal with it. I became an addict and I hit a really low bottom.

I'd found SR some time before, kept using, but kept coming back here. I found myself clinging to this forum. It took me a while, but I finally realized this was where people "got me" and was home to me.

I'm several years into recovery for both addiction and codependency. That being said, I've lost one of my ex-boyfriends to the addiction we shared, I lost my stepmom to another addiction. MY knowledge of addiction and recovery was not enough to help them.

What I do know, now, is that I survived what I did for a purpose. I can share what I've been through, I can set boundaries, I can slip back into codie-land and enable, but I can only do what I can do.

What they do? It's out of my control, just as what my loved ones tried to do for me when I was using.

I am not trying to burst your bubble of hope from the get-go. What I am trying to say is that an addict (A) will do what they want to do. I did. For me, it wasn't until all the people I loved said "that's enough, not helping you any more" and I was left to face the consequences of my addiction that I chose recovery. For some of my loved ones, even that wasn't enough.

Please keep reading and posting. I was extremely argumentative when I first came here, convinced that no one knew my loved ones, it was different.

What I found is that my experience really wasn't so different, but it took time to realize that.

This forum and SR are full of people who understand and will offer you their own ES&H. Just another little bit of ES&H. It took me a while, but I learned that the things people told me that hit the hardest and made me the angriest? It's because they had a bit of truth I wasn't yet willing to deal with.

All said with love, hugs and prayers,

Amy

ladyscribbler

Are there Alanon meetings in your area? They are a great source of help for families of alcoholics.
I also want to welcome you, though I'm sorry for what brought you to the site. There is a lot of great information contained in the stickies at the top of this page and also on the F&F of Alcoholics forum.
I too came to this site with hopes of getting someone sober, but that's not how it works unfortunately. If a determined loved one could get an addict or alcoholic sober, then there wouldn't be addicts and alcoholics.
What I had to do was start working on myself. Living with an alcoholic turned me into a person I didn't want to be. Through the Alanon program, individual therapy and this site, I am rebuilding my self esteem and doing more with my life than would ever have been possible when all of my energy was focused on the alcoholic.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

BlueChair

Your on track. If he is serious about quitting then he needs to come up with a plan for himself, and I cant say what it would be. People can quit on their own sometimes, and then sometimes they need help from outside sources. My husband was functional too, but he was more like a binge user, so it got bad fast and he needed a rehab and then follow up counseling. I saw an addiction counselor for a while myself to help understand everything and my own feelings. You might like to look into Community Reinforcement and Family Training, also called Craft. Its to help you stay healthy and it teaches you behavioral tools, motivational approaches to interact better with your spouse and encourage treatment. We cant make the change for them because its like dieting, we cant do it for anyone else. But we can often use our relationship to influence their desire to want to change and stop using.

These reads might help explain better

Home - The 20 Minute Guide

this is a book on craft, we're working our way through

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html

I hope you are able to have a nice Christmas.