Restraining Order - Well, If Finally Happened
 

Friends and family! Just touching bases and posting a little update on my status as I'm winding down quite a busy year! Within the past 1.25 years, I have attempted to leave my husband only to have my things thrown out in the yard and to be forced to call the sheriff, moved from one county to another with the guy to get him off crack cocaine, watched him immediately switch from cocaine to opiates, started a new job, got convicted of a DUI, had another domestic violence altercation, secretly move out of the house and leave my AH only to have my AB move in and start using heroin with my AH while I'm paying all the bills and brother lives here rent free to "get on his feet."

Well, after all this, **** finally hit the fan this past weekend and I finally had to take a restraining order on my AH. I moved into a gated community that you have to have a pass to enter into, or a pass has to be called in for you. One of the reasons I chose to move here was to have some sort of protection from my AH when he found out I was gone - I simply didn't know how he would react. For the first month, until Thanksgiving, I was still communicating with him, even though it was hard to be cordial. I took his dog when I moved out and I guess I wasn't quite ready to cut the chord yet. Right before Thanksgiving, he basically really offended me - nothing that could even be thought of as unusual based on the dynamic of the relationship in the past. He treated me like dirt, I took it. But this time, I called it enough, cut off all social media outlets and changed my phone number. It has nearly been a month since we spoke and it has been glorious!!!! However, he socializes with my brother - I guess they are doing drugs together and my brother sells him prescription pills. Up until this past Saturday, things were going very well for me and then my brother shows my a photos that my AH sent to his (my brothers) cell phone of the house I am presently living in. My AH sent my brother a text that said "tell your sister to call me" with a photo of the house I am living in attached.

So, this is what the photo means:

• I know where you live
• I'm trying to frighten you into calling me
• I'm digging at anything I possibly can to get you to call me
• I will not accept that you have gone no contact with me

I get it - he wants me to call him and he's digging at everything he can to get me to call him. He says he wants his dog back but he works out of town 90% of the time and he's a junkie; he knows he can't take care of the dog. He says he wants me to sign the title of the truck over to another person, but every time we have talked about it, he has jerked me around. He just drags out reasons to speak to me, nothing ever gets accomplished, it just gives him ground to stand on to have a conversation. So, rather than calling him and giving him exactly what he wanted, I took a retraining order out on him. I am, additionally, in the process of purchasing a gun to keep in my home. I will be going to court on Monday morning, assuming nothing changes and the Sheriff is able to locate him. The only address that I had to give was my AH moms address since he couch surfs and is essentially homeless at this point. I may add that the deputy who attempted to serve the papers said that my AH mom said she didn't have an address or a telephone number that my AH can be reached at. This is a blatant lie. My AH has been using his moms address since the beginning of time since he has basically always been running from the law. So, she's covering for him, still, at 33 y/o. At 33 y/o, he still doesn't have a mailing address and he's couch surfing and stalking my community to find me. I might add that there are hundreds of houses where I'm at he basically had to ride around and find my house through lots of different housing developments if he wanted to located me.

Anyways, I guess I'm writing for moral support and some feedback on what to expect. I guess that it was too good to be true, the whole being able to have a clean break from his psychotic ass. I thought I could just nip it in the bud by cutting off my Facebook, changing my number, and moving into a secure environment. Little did I know, as soon as I went no contact he would start stalking and searching me out.

So, over the holidays, I'm taking a restraining order on my AH and I'm buying a gun. Cheers :c004:

For what it is worth Yogagurl...you seem to be very strong to me...and having read what you faced...this latest does seem so unnecessary...but then...that is what you and I and a lot of other rational people think...and you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope things calm down...as I totally loved those posts when you were in the 'calm' before the storm...used them to say to myself that I can do this...

So sorry you are going through this. I'm glad you have come among us for support.
Congratulations on getting out and keeping a clear head. I am finding out that my early actions with my mate, done in profound pain, have proven to be correct in the long run.

I am also seeing the pain diminish substantially.
Others on this site have told me it eventually would.

I wish you all the best. Sounds like a NC might also be in order for your brother, sorry to say....

NC with the brother as well.

Cut the addicts out of your life and be free.

In the past you've had a habit of allowing contact repeatedly, direct or indirect after you've left before.
It sounds like you are not going to do that this time with your brother either?
If they are getting together, he has a kind of hold on you and access to knowledge about you and your life.
Don't let the addict brother be on your "admit list" for your home either--if you must see him, meet him in public.
It isn't clear from your post if he is still living with you, but he certainly should not be if he is.

Sending you a photo of your house feels like a threat to me.
I would notify your community guard house and management of the restraining order.
Sell the truck and cut that cord as well.
I'm glad you took the dog, however.

Get trained on how to properly use a gun. Most gun ranges give lessons.

Know the laws of your state on home protection. It's not as simple as- if someone breaks in you can shoot them.

Dear Yogagurl,
Just doesn't want to stop, does it? These painful emotions we feel for our addicted loved ones, is a very thick, difficult cord to cut and be free from.
I agree with Hawkeye13...
Your dear AB seems to be the catalyst, amount other things, that is preventing you from getting off this crazy train ride.
I'm very concerned that the AH has a pic of your new home, that's creepy and frightening...definitely report this to the security management people in your gated community. You need protection and so do your neighbors...how can you feel "safe and protected" when he knows where you live and obviously has been at least standing right in front of your new home? Creepy.
Going NC, with your brother too, is a painful decision to make and do. IMO, I'd do this ASAP. You don't need to be living like a human "stressball" 24/7. I did it with my two daughters, and I felt some relief and safe. I couldn't be harnessed or begged for this or that....
Cut the ties that bind. The question...how long do you want to live like this? You deserve so much more happiness YG! I know, and I think others in SR also think... believe in YOU! You're a special, caring person tortured by the wrath of addiction.
Gentle and many hugs to you sweet YG!
TF

I am sorry YG. I think getting a gun and protecting yourself is a great idea. You can also order a tazer and pepper spray on Amazon for dirt cheap. Wasp spray acts as pepper spray also.

I am sorry you are going through this, but you have gotten so much stronger and are doing all the right things for YOU! That is great.

Tight, tight hugs.

Its so hard to get out of the chaos. If you have lived in it for a long time you don't know what peace is. Sometimes we do things to unravel it. I am separating from AH also. He has been so cruel. He is nice as long as you don't poke the bull. I'm praying for God to protect you. Thank goodness we can change our numbers and have the cops on speed dial.

i personally do not think a gun is the answer.

your brother is part of the problem. if you truly value your safety you will cut off any contact with him as well. you will alert the security guards, you will file the RO, you will uphold the RO by not contacting your ex for any reason, you will alert security at work, and you will file for divorce immediately.

sadly, this is what trying to "play nice" ends up looking like....way too many times. stay safe.

I have to second Anvil on the gun question. Guns have the potential to put everyone in their vicinity at risk, including the people who purchase them. I think it was a wise choice for you to find a home that has a built in boundary. Don't let your brother or your AH get across that moat!

I am seconding Anvilhead not about the gun but about the brother being part of the problem. Him, AB and AH were all drugging together and living off you. If you want to eradicate the toxicity, you really need to cut the three of them off (a bit like tumors, if you leave one it will soon start spreading again).

Addicts, for all their faults....are essentially predictable creatures. Make up stories to
suck money. When money is all gone , move on to next juice filled sucker. In my
experience, they are essentially as peaceful as anteaters----

THIS, however, has more of a "sleeping with the enemy" feel.....e.g. "I can't live
without you and I won't permit you to live without me". There is no one who read it
that didn't feel a chill up their spine.

Research the anti-stalking statutes in your political subdivision. I'm sure no contact
orders mean just that. The photographing of your residence is a blatant threat. In
military terms----"I know where your goodies are and they are going to be whacked in
the first minutes of the war".

Unusual for a former military man, I also tend to the "no gun" solution. Weapons
have the potential to instantaneously and permanently change the course of MANY
human lives,not just those present----and those outcomes (save in the movies)......are
VERY seldom good. Even for the cleanest of kills.

The problem with pacifists is....they are soft targets. There is a reason for the
hundreds of thermonuclear weapons waiting forlornly under the cold plains of Montana
and South Dakota......

https://hybriddiplomacy.files.wordpr.../12/pizza.jpeg

I would counsel other options first. If you feel seriously threatened, go
qualify at a local range. Get GOOD. Get a few pics up on your (unblocked)
Facebook with a couple of stud weapons jockeys praising your skill.......and
thanking you for letting them squeeze a few rounds off YOUR brand new
.44MAG. You don't have to BUY a gun,you just need to pics----

There are a million ways to say to the world "This apple has a high probability of
containing a razor blade".......that takes away completely the joy of a good hearty
chomp out of the apple. Weak people seek weaker targets. How often do you hear
about the local cop shop getting robbed?

If this post comes across at equivocal, I apologize. Every time in the past the
weapons question has come up, I have counseled against it. The reason I'm on the
fence this time is the unequivocal stalking/targeting aspect of photographing your
home. It is an aggressive act----not a peaceful anteater going through trashcans
looking for more ants. The theme in prior discussions has tilted more to "That SOB
hurt me, now I want a gun to find a pretense to hurt HIM, lethally."

Weapons (like the little bundle of sunshine behind the blast door) have a rational
and calculable deterrent effect. But once they are actually used in anger---the world
changes for ALL concerned in ways incalculable to the initiator.

And as Anvil said, if your brother is a conduit-----then contact with him is a
welcome mat. Simple things first....then in all likelihood you won't need any
artillery.

You don't know how to use a gun and a few rounds at the range isn't going to train you. It could be used against you instead, so maybe nix to the gun idea.

But have the police on speed dial, go no contact with your brother as well as your ex, and make sure that RO gets served...hound the servers to get it done.

Give security at the gate a picture of him, so they too can call the police (and you) if he shows up.

There is no "meeting him halfway", to have any contact at all with him is to put your life in peril...please believe that!

He is dangerous, your brother feeds the danger. Keep yourself safe and have the RO served no matter what it takes for the server to do it.

Hugs

I know this sounds obvious but I'll mention it just in case. My daughter got a restraining order against her then about to be ex husband. I didn't realize that judges sometimes say 'No' to the order (although he said yes in her case). When the judge asks you if you are in fear for your life say YES. She did but she was debating (briefly) if she should or not. Sometimes one doesn't want to believe that they would actually do such a thing.

He also found out where she lived. One morning she woke up to champagne glasses from their wedding broken against her front door. He also sent fliers to all her neighbors with a distorted picture of her telling people what a horrible person she was. I forget exactly what it said. The picture was so distorted that it looked nothing like her so no one knew who she was anyway. THAT was what she was dealing with. The judge easily gave her an order, ordered him to take anger management classes and made him get rid of his guns.

Scary stuff but it worked. She never heard from him again. The judge told him that even if they were in the same store accidentally or he saw her anywhere that HE was to turn around and leave without saying a word to her.

Make sure that the judge sees the picture he took of your house or any other evidence you have. Her ex sent me a private facebook message. It wasn't threatening but the language he used was the same language he used on the flier he sent her neighbors. My daughter's lawyer kept me outside the courtroom to testify (if needed) to the fact that I had seen the same wording in his text so we could connect him with the flier. Even though I had erased the message it was somehow valuable that I had seen it and could say that. So don't underestimate any kind of evidence that you have.

Stay strong. You are doing great.

Kari

P.S. My daughter got a gun, learned to shoot it, and had a concealed weapon permit...just in case.

Oh and you don't necessarily need a lawyer. My daughter had one by accident. She went without one but she was prepared. She was the member of a forum where the people knew about her troubles. She mentioned that she would be in such and such city at the courthouse and for her forum friends to wish her luck. Well unbeknownst to her one of them was a lawyer in her city and he showed up and represented her for no charge. Wow, how wonderful of him!

Thank you everyone for your responses and your feedback! I once had to take out a restraining order on an ex boyfriend when I was 19 years old because he wouldn't accept that we had broken up and would follow me to school, vandalized my car, and was just generally harassing me 24/7. What is it about me that attracts the crazies???

I will bring with me evidence of previous emails that I still have in my deactivated Facebook account and the text message from my brothers phone. All I have for evidence is hearsay otherwise. My ex AH was communicating threats through my brother to me (which I find completely messed up on many, many levels) saying he was going to steal the dog (he's a junkie, I would rather euthanize the dog than return him to that POS). I plan on getting a surveillance camera immediately. The gun I'm on the fence about.

I just want to be left alone and move on with my life :(

so if your brother is still interacting with him, you need to stop interacting with your brother yogagurl. . .

Hi, Yogagurl,

Are you working with a domestic violence advocate? If not, I suggest you hook up with one (local DV shelter, prosecutor's office are both places that often have advocates on staff) for some safety planning. The Stalking Resource Center also has information on safety planning.

I've worked in the DV field for many, many years. I do know personally of a case in which a gun saved the life of a victim after her stalker kicked in her door. I also know that guns can easily be used against a victim unless you have been properly trained in its use and are emotionally prepared to take someone's life to defend your own. Hesitation can be lethal.

Criminal stalking charges may be appropriate at some point, if he does anything further to frighten you. Most stalking statutes require a "course of conduct" meaning more than one act. Sending the picture to your brother would be one, so if there is a second threatening communication then criminal charges might be a possibility. I would contact the police regarding the photo, if only to have a record of that act. It may be that a charge of harassment could be sustained even if there isn't quite enough for a stalking charge. Again, an advocate might be able to help you assess the level of danger you are in and the most appropriate course of action on your part to stop this and to stay safe.

Breaking and Entering on Christmas Day
 

Hi all,

Thank you so much for all of your replies and for the sound advice on buying/using a gun, what to do for safety precautions, and sharing your experiences with me. It's very unfortunate, but my AH and two females forced themselves into my home on Christmas night and attempted to steal "his" dog. I had to press charges on all three and my AH is currently still in jail.

It's a very unfortunate series of events that lead to the break in. I reactivated my Facebook account after the break in to see what kind of activity was on his page that might serve as incriminating evidence when I go to court on Monday. My AH posted a picture of my home on his "wall" and then shared the photo on the news feed with the caption "This is a good idea." This was on Dec 20th, which was the same day he sent a text to my brother of the same photo. On Dec 23, I had filed the restraining order and had the order sent to his moms address, since he really doesn't have one. She told the officer she didn't have his contact information and called her son to alert him that a RO was being served on him. Unfortunately, the officer was unable to serve my AH the RO before he ended up on my doorstep on Christmas night.

I firmly believe in the power of prayer and that there is an order to things that we may not fully understand at present, but that they lead to the greater good when positive intentions are set. I will be moving - again. This time, I will not be telling anyone, including my brother, where I am going. I believe that my brother was working with my AH the night he busted in the door and that my AH had bribed my brother with 800$ to "steal" the dog, or to give the dog back to my AH. In essence, I think that the order of the events that transpired happened in such a way that I could sever ties with my brother, since he has been serving as a conduit for my AH to stay in touch with me and to gather information about me.

I will be going to court on Monday for the RO hearing and later in January for the breaking and entering charges. I am assuming at this point I will need to hire an attorney to be present for the charges against the three people who tried to steal the dog. Another interesting twist to the whole thing is that my AH ASKED me to take the dog because he couldn't take care of him. The man ASKED me to keep the dog, told me I could keep the dog till we finalized the divorce. Then he uses the dog as a crutch to BREAK IN to my home!!!! I'm out of my mind right now.

I should also mention that a man I had been seeing since I made my escape out of the life of my husband doesn't want to come to my house anymore. He's afraid that my AH will get his tag number, name, and come to his home so he's taking precautions to ensure that something like that doesn't happen. So, my AH is controlling where I live, who I can associate with, and the well being of the animal I have taken care of for the past 4.5 years because he simply will not let me be. I am really convinced that the dog has nothing to do with any of this and the man is a sociopath.