dealing with the addicts temper tantrum
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
dealing with the addicts temper tantrum
My x who has an addiction has made my life hell.
He disappeared 3 times. The longest being a year and a half. He came back into our life this April. He is a pain.
The visitations were rare, but pleasant. Then he did a no call no show. He emailed me 5/days later basically saying, " I screwed up, sorry, it won't happen again." so I emailed him that we can start these visitations up again after the holiday, and gave strict boundaries. I told him where we can meet, time and that he is to call, text or email when he gets there and we will come to the place. I am trying to protect my son.
He was so angry. He called me 5 times ( thankfully my voicemail was full!), he sent me a horrible email saying I was angry, vengeful and using my son as a pawn.
So I am now trying to stick to my boundaries. I almost caved and just gave him what he wanted just toale him happy. I feel anxious and guilty and I question myself. Then, I start forgetting what he has done and start to feel sorry for him...ready to back track.
I have to stop making decisions out of fear. I am scared of his anger. I am scared other people in the family will think I am so mean. I made this choice to see him after Xmas because I want a peaceful holiday. I don't want to deal with him, and I honestly feel he has no idea the ramifications of his actions.
Why do addicts think they can do whatever they want and then throw a tantrum when we give them a consequence. I honestly thought he would be coming at me with his tail between his legs and trying to see how he could support our son...haha!
I feel like I need to uphold the boundaries I set no matter what. And I need to understand and meditate on why I fear his anger.
I need to detach and live my life without worrying what he is thinking or feeling. This is really hard.
He disappeared 3 times. The longest being a year and a half. He came back into our life this April. He is a pain.
The visitations were rare, but pleasant. Then he did a no call no show. He emailed me 5/days later basically saying, " I screwed up, sorry, it won't happen again." so I emailed him that we can start these visitations up again after the holiday, and gave strict boundaries. I told him where we can meet, time and that he is to call, text or email when he gets there and we will come to the place. I am trying to protect my son.
He was so angry. He called me 5 times ( thankfully my voicemail was full!), he sent me a horrible email saying I was angry, vengeful and using my son as a pawn.
So I am now trying to stick to my boundaries. I almost caved and just gave him what he wanted just toale him happy. I feel anxious and guilty and I question myself. Then, I start forgetting what he has done and start to feel sorry for him...ready to back track.
I have to stop making decisions out of fear. I am scared of his anger. I am scared other people in the family will think I am so mean. I made this choice to see him after Xmas because I want a peaceful holiday. I don't want to deal with him, and I honestly feel he has no idea the ramifications of his actions.
Why do addicts think they can do whatever they want and then throw a tantrum when we give them a consequence. I honestly thought he would be coming at me with his tail between his legs and trying to see how he could support our son...haha!
I feel like I need to uphold the boundaries I set no matter what. And I need to understand and meditate on why I fear his anger.
I need to detach and live my life without worrying what he is thinking or feeling. This is really hard.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Do not engage and give no explanations. Explanations or excuses might lead to bargaining or an unwanted negotiation. Respectfully and as peacefully as possible I would stick to your boundaries and maybe slowly or incrementally make some concessions but on your terms.
Good Luck!
Good Luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
You are right, it is SO hard to stick to the boundaries we know we have to set.
And I know so well what that slipping backwards feels like--we have empathy and love, despite the traumas we've been through with them. Don't beat yourself up over it, just stay present, as you clearly are, and be firm in your resolve to have a peaceful holiday. Great job.
And you are a very good mom for protecting your son from chaos and disappointment. Here's a hug for all that. ((Story74))
And I know so well what that slipping backwards feels like--we have empathy and love, despite the traumas we've been through with them. Don't beat yourself up over it, just stay present, as you clearly are, and be firm in your resolve to have a peaceful holiday. Great job.
And you are a very good mom for protecting your son from chaos and disappointment. Here's a hug for all that. ((Story74))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
He is a pain.
I almost caved and just gave him what he wanted just toale him happy
I start forgetting what he has done and start to feel sorry for him
I honestly thought he would be coming at me with his tail between his legs
I need to detach and live my life without worrying what he is thinking or feeling. This is really hard.
hon, is there a part of you that still clings to the hope that he will COME BACK? he makes the teeny tiniest bit of effort and you seem so willing to make concessions and make ROOM for him in your life again.
you said in another post that IF he is SOBER, he DESERVES to see his son. really? that's how little he has to do? how much does he owe in back support? how many events big and small in your little son's life has he MISSED? how many times has he no showed, let his own kid down, cuz he just couldn't get his head out of his @ss? he hasn't demonstrated a single shred of FATHERHOOD, parenthood, guardianship, CARE.
IMO, don't make it so damn easy for him. beef up those boundaries. if he no shows, don't call him. you stated he could maybe have visitation after the holidays. that's January. for the rest of the month give yourself the best gift and go no contact.
I almost caved and just gave him what he wanted just toale him happy
I start forgetting what he has done and start to feel sorry for him
I honestly thought he would be coming at me with his tail between his legs
I need to detach and live my life without worrying what he is thinking or feeling. This is really hard.
hon, is there a part of you that still clings to the hope that he will COME BACK? he makes the teeny tiniest bit of effort and you seem so willing to make concessions and make ROOM for him in your life again.
you said in another post that IF he is SOBER, he DESERVES to see his son. really? that's how little he has to do? how much does he owe in back support? how many events big and small in your little son's life has he MISSED? how many times has he no showed, let his own kid down, cuz he just couldn't get his head out of his @ss? he hasn't demonstrated a single shred of FATHERHOOD, parenthood, guardianship, CARE.
IMO, don't make it so damn easy for him. beef up those boundaries. if he no shows, don't call him. you stated he could maybe have visitation after the holidays. that's January. for the rest of the month give yourself the best gift and go no contact.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Story, consider this my last post until I get back from vacation.
Where does it say you're obligated to deal with his temper tantrums?
Because they're addicts, and this is what addicts do. Addicts operate in a space where there are no rules, no accountability, and no responsibilities. Nothing matters to them except getting what they want, when they want. And anyone who tells them "no" will always be on the receiving end of a temper tantrum.
Like a 5 year old who flips out in the toy store when he's told he can't get what he wants.
If you want to end this once and for all:
* change your number
* block him on all social media
* filter his email into the trash
* take out a RO, if necessary
If you want to be done, be done. Him flipping sh*t has nothing to do with you.
Where does it say you're obligated to deal with his temper tantrums?
Why do addicts think they can do whatever they want and then throw a tantrum when we give them a consequence. I honestly thought he would be coming at me with his tail between his legs and trying to see how he could support our son...haha!
Like a 5 year old who flips out in the toy store when he's told he can't get what he wants.
If you want to end this once and for all:
* change your number
* block him on all social media
* filter his email into the trash
* take out a RO, if necessary
If you want to be done, be done. Him flipping sh*t has nothing to do with you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
story, I need to append my post....I truly DO commend you for be willing to leave space for your son's father to occupy. he's just such a sh!tibrd ya know?
my mom and dad split when I was 1-something. mom never told me why, what happened. he remained in our small Alaskan town for a while, then married a woman with 3 kids - I attended k-garten with a step brother, and I believe I was allowed to go play at their house. but see I never KNEW that was my dad...I don't really remember any of it.
after they moved away (whenever that was) I don't know if my mom put up a big barrier preventing my dad from contacting me, or if he just didn't. more stuff that was never talked about (we had a whole encyclopedia brittanica of stuff NEVER talked about). never got a card or a letter or a call. for all I know he did try and she intercepted. or he just didn't.
mom and I were in seattle once, shopping (I was 7? 8?) and ran into a tall man with a young girl about my age...the adults talked for a bit while us kids just sort of stood there. after they walked away, I asked my mom, who was that? and she said, that was your father.
oh. huh. you tell me this AFTER he walks away. I don't recall him speaking directly to me.
then when I was a rebellious acting out teenager I pitched a fit about wanting to go see my dad....and my mom with the help of my uncle arranged that and at 15 I did go spend time with my dad and his family. it was ok. nothing like the made for TV movies but ok. I think I went back the next summer for a week or so.....
and then......back to nothing. no calls, cards, letters. nothing. but then again I didn't write or call either.
I did track my dad down AGAIN when I was late 20's early 30s....by the time I found him my mom had just passed away....I didn't plan it that way, I wasn't suddenly hunting up a replacement parent! we all reconnected, he "gave me away" at my 2nd marriage, we spent a few Christmas's together and then we sort of lost interest. again, he didn't exactly go out of his way to keep in touch. nor did I.
a year, maybe two? ago, I got an email from a step sister. dad had just passed away and they were planning a get together and wanted to extend an invite. I passed, it didn't seem "right" to me....I hadn't really been a presence, altho I WAS the firstborn. if he had a will, I wasn't mentioned...I wasn't expecting a payout, but I dunno maybe some final acknowledgement??
and that was that.
when I sound cranky about moms trying SO dang hard to allow/WILL their children's fathers to BE fathers, its because dammit, it isn't the moms who should have to try so hard. it's the DADS. parents shouldn't just walk away from their kids and just leave them behind. and not even TRY.
I will never know if my dad ever really did TRY.....but I don't think he did very much, if we go by the count of birthday and Christmas cards I have saved. which equal ZERO. at 55 it still stings a bit, when I think about it too much.
even dads who aren't addicts can do a lousy job. and who knows why. I hope someday your ex figures it out.
my mom and dad split when I was 1-something. mom never told me why, what happened. he remained in our small Alaskan town for a while, then married a woman with 3 kids - I attended k-garten with a step brother, and I believe I was allowed to go play at their house. but see I never KNEW that was my dad...I don't really remember any of it.
after they moved away (whenever that was) I don't know if my mom put up a big barrier preventing my dad from contacting me, or if he just didn't. more stuff that was never talked about (we had a whole encyclopedia brittanica of stuff NEVER talked about). never got a card or a letter or a call. for all I know he did try and she intercepted. or he just didn't.
mom and I were in seattle once, shopping (I was 7? 8?) and ran into a tall man with a young girl about my age...the adults talked for a bit while us kids just sort of stood there. after they walked away, I asked my mom, who was that? and she said, that was your father.
oh. huh. you tell me this AFTER he walks away. I don't recall him speaking directly to me.
then when I was a rebellious acting out teenager I pitched a fit about wanting to go see my dad....and my mom with the help of my uncle arranged that and at 15 I did go spend time with my dad and his family. it was ok. nothing like the made for TV movies but ok. I think I went back the next summer for a week or so.....
and then......back to nothing. no calls, cards, letters. nothing. but then again I didn't write or call either.
I did track my dad down AGAIN when I was late 20's early 30s....by the time I found him my mom had just passed away....I didn't plan it that way, I wasn't suddenly hunting up a replacement parent! we all reconnected, he "gave me away" at my 2nd marriage, we spent a few Christmas's together and then we sort of lost interest. again, he didn't exactly go out of his way to keep in touch. nor did I.
a year, maybe two? ago, I got an email from a step sister. dad had just passed away and they were planning a get together and wanted to extend an invite. I passed, it didn't seem "right" to me....I hadn't really been a presence, altho I WAS the firstborn. if he had a will, I wasn't mentioned...I wasn't expecting a payout, but I dunno maybe some final acknowledgement??
and that was that.
when I sound cranky about moms trying SO dang hard to allow/WILL their children's fathers to BE fathers, its because dammit, it isn't the moms who should have to try so hard. it's the DADS. parents shouldn't just walk away from their kids and just leave them behind. and not even TRY.
I will never know if my dad ever really did TRY.....but I don't think he did very much, if we go by the count of birthday and Christmas cards I have saved. which equal ZERO. at 55 it still stings a bit, when I think about it too much.
even dads who aren't addicts can do a lousy job. and who knows why. I hope someday your ex figures it out.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Anvil, your story just really really touched my heart. 
Story, at some point you maybe can figure out what you want for your life, as it is now not as it would be "if only...". Expectations are preludes to disappointments especially when we expect something from someone who has nothing to give. You deserve better.
Hugs
Story, at some point you maybe can figure out what you want for your life, as it is now not as it would be "if only...". Expectations are preludes to disappointments especially when we expect something from someone who has nothing to give. You deserve better.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
I cannot stand how WE feel empathy for these people who have done horrible things at our expense yet they feel NONE for us. Even when I remind myself it's part of addiction...SO WHAT?! It still enrages me. It's totally unnatural to have to deal with this soulless shell of a human being.
If you are genuinely afraid of him and his anger, which is totally understandable, you should consider either obtaining a protective order and cutting him off completely, or going through the courts to work out a visitation schedule. That way it is set in stone, there is no discussion needed, and if he flakes out he will be held accountable. I know he's done this to you and your son many times and it needs to stop once and for all.
If you are genuinely afraid of him and his anger, which is totally understandable, you should consider either obtaining a protective order and cutting him off completely, or going through the courts to work out a visitation schedule. That way it is set in stone, there is no discussion needed, and if he flakes out he will be held accountable. I know he's done this to you and your son many times and it needs to stop once and for all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
SO many good perspectives from you all.
The empathy towards the addict is really confusing. I think it is because we forget what they are struggling with. I can't tell you how many times I think about things I can do for him, say to him...yadda yadda...but it always comes back to, "OH wait, he is an addict."
While I was thinking about caving, I had to keep reminding myself of all the things he has done. For the past 2 weeks I was extremely anxious. I am so scared. What is funny is he is not a scary person. My sister explained to me that I really need to figure out where this fear is coming from. I know he doesn't stand a chance for shared custody, but I feel like I have to keep the dragon happy otherwise I will wake the beast. I don't want to wake the beast. He has no empathy for what he has put me through. Sometimes I feel like maybe I have post traumatic syndrome. When the phone phone rings and it is him, I about want to throw up.
It is just so complicated. He wants a relationship with his son, currently. SO, legally he is allowed 2 hrs. supervised visits. I need/must adhere to this. I do not want to give him anything if/when he takes me back to court for shared custody. After his no call/ no show i have set strict boundaries. I am making him drive 40 min, and he must call when he gets to the meeting place before we even come down. We are not to talk about visitation in front of my son. So, my son will never know that he is seeing his father until we pull up and see him. I set up a consistent time and day for this to happen. And, we are meeting at a restaurant so that he can't lie or bad mouth me in front of my son. The thing is, my son wants to see his father. I thought about taking him back to court to take away visitations, but I don't want that. SO, I have deal. for now. I am positive he will mess up again. If he was a no call no show after trying so hard to prove to everyone that he is totally fine, he is using. His world will crumble again.
My biggest annoyance is that he doesn't acknowledge any wrong doing. It is always a quick I messed up, sorry, it won't happen again. He just has no clue how much he has destroyed his family. Thankfully, my son hasn't really had him in his life since he was 2.5. My friend (who went through something similar, but his son is older) says that he is probably confused right now of where this "father" stands in his life, but ultimately the bond has been broken. SO, my son will have to work out where this man has a place in his life. I have told my son that we can't count on this man, but we can at least have some coffee with him. Counseling will help.
I want to get to a place where his emotions don't affect me. Where his actions don't affect me. My only expectation for him is that he will fail.
I agree with all above said. It is just so hard when you are in it.
Thank you all for your help and support. I need it.
The empathy towards the addict is really confusing. I think it is because we forget what they are struggling with. I can't tell you how many times I think about things I can do for him, say to him...yadda yadda...but it always comes back to, "OH wait, he is an addict."
While I was thinking about caving, I had to keep reminding myself of all the things he has done. For the past 2 weeks I was extremely anxious. I am so scared. What is funny is he is not a scary person. My sister explained to me that I really need to figure out where this fear is coming from. I know he doesn't stand a chance for shared custody, but I feel like I have to keep the dragon happy otherwise I will wake the beast. I don't want to wake the beast. He has no empathy for what he has put me through. Sometimes I feel like maybe I have post traumatic syndrome. When the phone phone rings and it is him, I about want to throw up.
It is just so complicated. He wants a relationship with his son, currently. SO, legally he is allowed 2 hrs. supervised visits. I need/must adhere to this. I do not want to give him anything if/when he takes me back to court for shared custody. After his no call/ no show i have set strict boundaries. I am making him drive 40 min, and he must call when he gets to the meeting place before we even come down. We are not to talk about visitation in front of my son. So, my son will never know that he is seeing his father until we pull up and see him. I set up a consistent time and day for this to happen. And, we are meeting at a restaurant so that he can't lie or bad mouth me in front of my son. The thing is, my son wants to see his father. I thought about taking him back to court to take away visitations, but I don't want that. SO, I have deal. for now. I am positive he will mess up again. If he was a no call no show after trying so hard to prove to everyone that he is totally fine, he is using. His world will crumble again.
My biggest annoyance is that he doesn't acknowledge any wrong doing. It is always a quick I messed up, sorry, it won't happen again. He just has no clue how much he has destroyed his family. Thankfully, my son hasn't really had him in his life since he was 2.5. My friend (who went through something similar, but his son is older) says that he is probably confused right now of where this "father" stands in his life, but ultimately the bond has been broken. SO, my son will have to work out where this man has a place in his life. I have told my son that we can't count on this man, but we can at least have some coffee with him. Counseling will help.
I want to get to a place where his emotions don't affect me. Where his actions don't affect me. My only expectation for him is that he will fail.
I agree with all above said. It is just so hard when you are in it.
Thank you all for your help and support. I need it.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Make a list of all the stupid crap he has done and keep it with you. When you feel yourself getting weak, get it out and read it. It's easy to forget about this stuff after a while. Thing is, you are not forgetting, it is just stuffing it away.
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