How do I heal?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 23
How do I heal?
Hi Everyone,
This is my first time writing on here so please excuse me if I don't know the correct "lingo". I don't even know where to start...I just feel like while reading these threads I need to be a part of this community. I am in so much pain I barely have the energy to write my story, so I will try to be brief. I need advice and opinions more than ever.
I first met my addict (alcohol and opiates, mostly opiates) three years ago when he was in an absolutely incredible rehab program. It has been recognized all over the country for its success rate and the men who have been through it are (mostly) still sober to this day. I was instantly in love with him...absolutely head over heals. The fact that he was in recovery didn't bother me at all, I was 19 and extremely naive.
Four or five months into his recovery he was technically kicked out of the program for not completing his chores. I will still say to this day that he was well when he was kicked out. He continued living with sober people and going to meetings, writing inventory, etc. Eventually however, he had no choice but to move back home, 2 hours from where he was staying and where I lived.
That summer I found out I was pregnant. It was rough at first, but we smoothed things out and welcomed my precious daughter into the world in March 2013.
Around her first birthday, I found out that he relapsed after being 2 years sober. I was so angry and hurt, I immediately thought that threatening him with rights to our daughter would make him stop. How silly I was to think that would change his decisions. He continued using until he was admitted to a program in May. I hated it from the start. It was nothing like the program he was originally in, and it seemed to me like a vacation home for sober people. He immediately formed a bond with a guy who is now the house manager, but left two weeks later because he had to go back to work. One week later he went out on a drinking bender. His choice of drugs is opiates/heroin by the way. This was strange for him because he hadn't done it before that I had known of. His parents kicked him out, and me still loving him to death, I took him in and let him live with my family and my daughter up until last month when his behavior became so strange that I began to feel he was mentally ill.
It turns out during the whole time he had lived with me, he had been using. I don't know how I couldn't see it. He never paid me a dime and still hasn't. He would never sleep at night but would always be up during the day. He would make me feel bad about not wanting to be sexual with him when in reality it was because he was acting so different. We wouldn't speak all day and then he would expect me to be intimate with him. It was just awful to say the least.
I finally called a detox center after he was living in his truck for a couple of days and they took him right away. While he was in detox, I found out the most awful things that some of them I won't even repeat. He was on dating websites that had strippers, escorts, and normal girls. He would text his friends telling them "I should have gone with the skinny one, this ones fat". (talking about his date) I found this all out because he left his phone with me while he was in detox accidentally. He had been taking girls to expensive restaurants all the while not giving me or our daughter any money because "he was struggling".
After detox he went back to the sober home that I had disliked the first time. It is cheap, and I feel he knows that he can get away with a lot there. From what I hear he IS sober, but his behavior hurts me more than anything. He stopped contacting me right when he went into the house. It was like the flip of a switch. He has seen our daughter 1 time since he went in early november and says he doesn't have the money to come see her. I honestly convince myself that he really doesn't have the money. He says he can't talk to me as much because it hurts him. But I was the one that begged him and tried everything to make him get better for a whole year!
I am a full time student and work 20 hours a week to support our daughter. It is so hard for me to watch him be on a VACATION! That is what I call it. A vacation from real life. I know the guys there convince him that me and him aren't important. But what happens when he gets out and gets slapped in the face with reality? I feel anyone would be sober if they were living somewhere for 90 dollars a week with no responsibilites. He has no job, sleeps until noon, plays video games, and the guys there pay for all of his things because they feel bad! It is infuriating! Today he called me to ask if he could see our daughter. He said that he had been in our area all morning..and just got back from taking his friend to see his child. Are you kidding me?! He was in the area after not seeing his child for a month and decided to call on his way back to his sober home, knowing very well that it was her exact nap time!
I don't get it. I just don't understand. He is not acting like he did when he was recovering when I met him. He is not acting like the father of my child that was there when I gave birth. He is a completely different person. So if he is in fact sober, which has to be true because they drug test, is this the real him?
This is my first time writing on here so please excuse me if I don't know the correct "lingo". I don't even know where to start...I just feel like while reading these threads I need to be a part of this community. I am in so much pain I barely have the energy to write my story, so I will try to be brief. I need advice and opinions more than ever.
I first met my addict (alcohol and opiates, mostly opiates) three years ago when he was in an absolutely incredible rehab program. It has been recognized all over the country for its success rate and the men who have been through it are (mostly) still sober to this day. I was instantly in love with him...absolutely head over heals. The fact that he was in recovery didn't bother me at all, I was 19 and extremely naive.
Four or five months into his recovery he was technically kicked out of the program for not completing his chores. I will still say to this day that he was well when he was kicked out. He continued living with sober people and going to meetings, writing inventory, etc. Eventually however, he had no choice but to move back home, 2 hours from where he was staying and where I lived.
That summer I found out I was pregnant. It was rough at first, but we smoothed things out and welcomed my precious daughter into the world in March 2013.
Around her first birthday, I found out that he relapsed after being 2 years sober. I was so angry and hurt, I immediately thought that threatening him with rights to our daughter would make him stop. How silly I was to think that would change his decisions. He continued using until he was admitted to a program in May. I hated it from the start. It was nothing like the program he was originally in, and it seemed to me like a vacation home for sober people. He immediately formed a bond with a guy who is now the house manager, but left two weeks later because he had to go back to work. One week later he went out on a drinking bender. His choice of drugs is opiates/heroin by the way. This was strange for him because he hadn't done it before that I had known of. His parents kicked him out, and me still loving him to death, I took him in and let him live with my family and my daughter up until last month when his behavior became so strange that I began to feel he was mentally ill.
It turns out during the whole time he had lived with me, he had been using. I don't know how I couldn't see it. He never paid me a dime and still hasn't. He would never sleep at night but would always be up during the day. He would make me feel bad about not wanting to be sexual with him when in reality it was because he was acting so different. We wouldn't speak all day and then he would expect me to be intimate with him. It was just awful to say the least.
I finally called a detox center after he was living in his truck for a couple of days and they took him right away. While he was in detox, I found out the most awful things that some of them I won't even repeat. He was on dating websites that had strippers, escorts, and normal girls. He would text his friends telling them "I should have gone with the skinny one, this ones fat". (talking about his date) I found this all out because he left his phone with me while he was in detox accidentally. He had been taking girls to expensive restaurants all the while not giving me or our daughter any money because "he was struggling".
After detox he went back to the sober home that I had disliked the first time. It is cheap, and I feel he knows that he can get away with a lot there. From what I hear he IS sober, but his behavior hurts me more than anything. He stopped contacting me right when he went into the house. It was like the flip of a switch. He has seen our daughter 1 time since he went in early november and says he doesn't have the money to come see her. I honestly convince myself that he really doesn't have the money. He says he can't talk to me as much because it hurts him. But I was the one that begged him and tried everything to make him get better for a whole year!
I am a full time student and work 20 hours a week to support our daughter. It is so hard for me to watch him be on a VACATION! That is what I call it. A vacation from real life. I know the guys there convince him that me and him aren't important. But what happens when he gets out and gets slapped in the face with reality? I feel anyone would be sober if they were living somewhere for 90 dollars a week with no responsibilites. He has no job, sleeps until noon, plays video games, and the guys there pay for all of his things because they feel bad! It is infuriating! Today he called me to ask if he could see our daughter. He said that he had been in our area all morning..and just got back from taking his friend to see his child. Are you kidding me?! He was in the area after not seeing his child for a month and decided to call on his way back to his sober home, knowing very well that it was her exact nap time!
I don't get it. I just don't understand. He is not acting like he did when he was recovering when I met him. He is not acting like the father of my child that was there when I gave birth. He is a completely different person. So if he is in fact sober, which has to be true because they drug test, is this the real him?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome wilt willow to SR! Glad you found us.
So who is bankrolling this guy? Is he young like you and his parents are helping? I was a little perturbed when my H went to rehab. Luckily his was good programming but NOT fancy at all so I got over the vacation idea.
You ask if this is the real him. In early recovery that is not something yet known. But you are absolutely right that his behavior sounds very questionable.
I'm glad you are in college and working.
So who is bankrolling this guy? Is he young like you and his parents are helping? I was a little perturbed when my H went to rehab. Luckily his was good programming but NOT fancy at all so I got over the vacation idea.
You ask if this is the real him. In early recovery that is not something yet known. But you are absolutely right that his behavior sounds very questionable.
I'm glad you are in college and working.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: OH
Posts: 21
Welcome to SR.
I'm really sorry you're experiencing this.
I feel not only very sad for you (because I completely understand what you are going through) but also angry for you and what this person has done to you. This is a very, very sad situation, especially with your little girl involved.
I wish I could offer you good news, but given what you have told us here - and the basic fact that this man is addicted to opiates - your future with this person sounds pretty bleak. Heroin and all sorts of other drugs can cause very radical personality changes and you may never know the "real" him and you might never know if you ever did.
I grew up with an addict father as a little girl from the time I was 5 (that's when I really became aware of his issues) up until I was 21 or so and my parents finally separated. It was absolute hell. One thing I learned is that people like this never change. If they do, it is a VERY rare event, especially with the opiate drugs which are notoriously addictive. I learned my lesson again later in life, the hard way, after spending three years with an opiate addicted man who abused me viciously - physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have introduced a child into that situation.
Again, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I know you love this man very much, but you have to consider the love you have for yourself and your little daughter as well. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to - believe me, I have most definitely been in your shoes and am happy to say I've finally gotten out.
I'm really sorry you're experiencing this.
I feel not only very sad for you (because I completely understand what you are going through) but also angry for you and what this person has done to you. This is a very, very sad situation, especially with your little girl involved.
I wish I could offer you good news, but given what you have told us here - and the basic fact that this man is addicted to opiates - your future with this person sounds pretty bleak. Heroin and all sorts of other drugs can cause very radical personality changes and you may never know the "real" him and you might never know if you ever did.
I grew up with an addict father as a little girl from the time I was 5 (that's when I really became aware of his issues) up until I was 21 or so and my parents finally separated. It was absolute hell. One thing I learned is that people like this never change. If they do, it is a VERY rare event, especially with the opiate drugs which are notoriously addictive. I learned my lesson again later in life, the hard way, after spending three years with an opiate addicted man who abused me viciously - physically, mentally, spiritually, and financially. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have introduced a child into that situation.
Again, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I know you love this man very much, but you have to consider the love you have for yourself and your little daughter as well. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to - believe me, I have most definitely been in your shoes and am happy to say I've finally gotten out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 23
Originally Posted by VirgoRising 
Again, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I know you love this man very much, but you have to consider the love you have for yourself and your little daughter as well. Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to - believe me, I have most definitely been in your shoes and am happy to say I've finally gotten out.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
he is showing you who he is. Please listen.
the tests at rehab are not designed to keep the addict honest. Others stay on subs and sell their urine so that when the sample is tested, it has the correct reading. Standard urine tests (if need clean one) are usually replaced with a sample from a person who does not use anything or from a child.
the tests at rehab are not designed to keep the addict honest. Others stay on subs and sell their urine so that when the sample is tested, it has the correct reading. Standard urine tests (if need clean one) are usually replaced with a sample from a person who does not use anything or from a child.
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