Broken & Confused Husband on Meth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Broken & Confused Husband on Meth
I have been with my husband for 9 years just under 2 years married. About a month ago I found out he was cheating on me with one woman for almost a year and with various other women off and on as well. I am so broken he was acting so weird and even though he said he wouldn't do it again it continued so I asked him to leave, he said he loved me and the kids but that this was probably best for us, some time apart and that he would be back. A few days after he left i found out that he has been using what I believe to be Meth. The situation has just gotten so much worse. I love this man with all my heart and now i feel horrible that I asked him to leave. Did I do the right thing? With him gone I am not able to help him and his addiction seems to have gotten so much worse. He denys using but I can see it in him. The few times I have seen him since he left he just looks worse and worse he has lost so much weight and his face and skin look terrible. I am so heartbroken, I love him so much and wish there were a way I could help him. I know he doesn't want my help right now. I read about people saying a Meth addict doesn't love anything but their drug but then how is he so "in Love" with this other woman (who is also an addict) but not me. I have helped him and supported him and loved him through so many rough times. I don't understand how this is happening or why it happened or what caused it. I'm just so hurt and the pain is even worse when I see how broken my children are because they love him so much and they think they are to blame for him leaving us. I try to reassure them that he is sick and we are not to blame but it's so hard for them to understand, just like it is for me.*
Last week he threatened me to give him the title to his car (which is in both our names) or he was going to break into the house and take everything worth value. I am sometimes scared, I don't know if he really would (I changed all the locks a couple of weeks after he left). Him and his girlfriend were selling stolen things and deposited bad checks into our account which I recently was able to take him off of and i'm not sure what else is next. I love him so much and want to be there to help him through all of this but I'm afraid of how to protect myself financially before we end up on the streets because of his actions and choices. I am his wife and now that I know he has this problem I feel horrible for having made him leave without trying to help him and myself understand. had I known this was going on before I never would have made him leave. I'm so confused, I don't know what to do now. I asked him if he wants a divorce and he says no or sometimes will just change the subject so I don't ask him about it anymore. Does that mean he still loves me? Do I keep holding on? Do I just let go. I found out not only does the girl he's with use but a lot of his friends as well. I feel like i've been with a complete stranger for the last year. I don't know why he married me if he wanted this single/addict life. I just love him so much and we've been together for so long I don't know how or if I should let go or keep fighting to hold on and try to help. i keep hoping every day that this will get easier but it doesn't. I pray every day and every night hoping God will make a way for him to change but I know everything happens in Gods time and not my own. I'm so confused as to where to go from here...:'(
Last week he threatened me to give him the title to his car (which is in both our names) or he was going to break into the house and take everything worth value. I am sometimes scared, I don't know if he really would (I changed all the locks a couple of weeks after he left). Him and his girlfriend were selling stolen things and deposited bad checks into our account which I recently was able to take him off of and i'm not sure what else is next. I love him so much and want to be there to help him through all of this but I'm afraid of how to protect myself financially before we end up on the streets because of his actions and choices. I am his wife and now that I know he has this problem I feel horrible for having made him leave without trying to help him and myself understand. had I known this was going on before I never would have made him leave. I'm so confused, I don't know what to do now. I asked him if he wants a divorce and he says no or sometimes will just change the subject so I don't ask him about it anymore. Does that mean he still loves me? Do I keep holding on? Do I just let go. I found out not only does the girl he's with use but a lot of his friends as well. I feel like i've been with a complete stranger for the last year. I don't know why he married me if he wanted this single/addict life. I just love him so much and we've been together for so long I don't know how or if I should let go or keep fighting to hold on and try to help. i keep hoping every day that this will get easier but it doesn't. I pray every day and every night hoping God will make a way for him to change but I know everything happens in Gods time and not my own. I'm so confused as to where to go from here...:'(
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
My husband is a heroin addict. It was really smart of you to take him off the bank account. Also, try to take him off any credit cards and pull a copy of your credit report. In my experience the addicts don't think of ANY consequences to their actions. They just think about how to get money for their drugs.
I have also come to the conclusion that addicts are in their own personal hell that they create by themselves for themselves. It's like they enjoy making their life difficult and if we try to "help" them... it pushes them further into the problem.
I have found the most effective thing is to help myself cope with the trauma of living with an addict. Dealing with what HE does for his drugs. What he ignores for his drugs. All he misses for HIS drugs. Coping with his insane rationale (if any).
So, no one would ask for this life. It's understandable you want to help him, but there really is so little we can do.
There are books CRAFT and other methods people use to try to save their addicted loved ones. Other books are dedicated more to YOU.
It's horrible what your going through. Fear, anxiety, guilt... It's a waterfall of negative emotions. You are not alone. Keep venting!
I have also come to the conclusion that addicts are in their own personal hell that they create by themselves for themselves. It's like they enjoy making their life difficult and if we try to "help" them... it pushes them further into the problem.
I have found the most effective thing is to help myself cope with the trauma of living with an addict. Dealing with what HE does for his drugs. What he ignores for his drugs. All he misses for HIS drugs. Coping with his insane rationale (if any).
So, no one would ask for this life. It's understandable you want to help him, but there really is so little we can do.
There are books CRAFT and other methods people use to try to save their addicted loved ones. Other books are dedicated more to YOU.
It's horrible what your going through. Fear, anxiety, guilt... It's a waterfall of negative emotions. You are not alone. Keep venting!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Thank you for your response. It is very hard and I struggle everyday. It's hard to believe that all this was going on and I was so blind to it. I had suspicions but honestly never believed drugs was the problem. Now that I've had time to sit and think I realize this has been going on for a long time. I think back to things that have happened and his actions and wonder how did I NOT know this was happening and why couldn't I have known sooner then maybe things wouldn't have gotten this bad. I honestly never would have asked him to leave if I had known drugs were involved. Not that things would be any better now if he was here or if would have even stayed after knowing I discovered what's been going on but I guess I'll never know. I just feel horrible. He has no family here and all his friends are obviously doing the same thing I just worry about him and wonder if he's ok. The kids are having the hardest time with this and I don't want them to hate him cause I know now that it's a sickness that he can't get rid of on his own even if he's the one that chose to start using. How do you explain to children why their dad doesn't call or care or want to be around them anymore? It's so hard to love someone so much and for so long...making them the top priority in your life for so long and them not care about you one bit. I can't understand how feelings and love can just disappear like that without a care. It's just so painful and I hope one day to be able to get past this and I pray my children will have a Normal life and never follow in his footsteps but it's just scary. Wondering from day to day if we're gonna make it...if we'll have a home to live in...if everything will be okay. I know all I can do is lean on God and trust he will take care of us. It's just so hard to let go :'(
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi BH, what an awful time for you and your family. Please don't beat yourself up about asking him to leave. Even if you'd let him stay, nothing would have changed. It would have just enabled him to keep going, and having a nice comfortable base to do it from.
It seems his using and cheating are linked, and if he'd given up the GF his drug supply would have gone too. I know you probably don't want to think about this now, but please consider having a sexual health checkup in case he's transmitted anything to you. He's lost in his addiction and lifestyle for now, and you won't be able to rescue him, even though you want to.
You and the children are your focus now. Protect yourself financially and see if you can find some counselling and support for them as well as you. Learn as much as you can here and online about addiction and the family. Consider going to Nar-anon where you will find people who know what you're going through.
It seems his using and cheating are linked, and if he'd given up the GF his drug supply would have gone too. I know you probably don't want to think about this now, but please consider having a sexual health checkup in case he's transmitted anything to you. He's lost in his addiction and lifestyle for now, and you won't be able to rescue him, even though you want to.
You and the children are your focus now. Protect yourself financially and see if you can find some counselling and support for them as well as you. Learn as much as you can here and online about addiction and the family. Consider going to Nar-anon where you will find people who know what you're going through.
●▬๑۩۩๑▬●
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
You may want to think about getting tested for STD's, Hep, & HIV and then always use protection in the future. He has put your health in danger with the drug use and multiple affairs.
You did the right thing by getting him away from the children. Meth addicts have a propensity for violence.
They call meth "the walkaway drug".
For now it seems he wants drugs and the associated lifestyle. There is a saying "don't make someone a priority to you - when you are only an option to them".
You did the right thing by getting him away from the children. Meth addicts have a propensity for violence.
They call meth "the walkaway drug".
For now it seems he wants drugs and the associated lifestyle. There is a saying "don't make someone a priority to you - when you are only an option to them".
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Thank you both. I did get checked which is how I found out about him cheating in the first place because he had given me an STD and I know I haven't been with anyone since before we met so it's obvious it was him even though he tried to deny it at first. I also went back a few weeks later an got tested for more STDs Hep C and HIV thanks God they all came back negative but I will test again in a few months to be absolutely sure.
I haven't heard from him in about a week other than for him to tell me to let him come for his things I get nervous even letting him Im after the last incident. This would be much easier if I had known all thus BEFORE I married him. This is so much harder now :'( it's crazy how quickly and drastically someone can change. I thought we would be together forever. That we would grow old together. That he would love me forever. But he stole my only chance at marriage and having a happy loving life. It's hard to think about and know I'll now be alone forever while he's out with someone else enjoying his life. I just can't understand why or how this happened. It hurts so much
I haven't heard from him in about a week other than for him to tell me to let him come for his things I get nervous even letting him Im after the last incident. This would be much easier if I had known all thus BEFORE I married him. This is so much harder now :'( it's crazy how quickly and drastically someone can change. I thought we would be together forever. That we would grow old together. That he would love me forever. But he stole my only chance at marriage and having a happy loving life. It's hard to think about and know I'll now be alone forever while he's out with someone else enjoying his life. I just can't understand why or how this happened. It hurts so much
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. You might want to consider getting a restraining order if he is threatening to break into the house. Why do you think you'll be alone forever? There are plenty of fish in the sea, and many of them are drug-free and capable of fidelity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
There may be... but in my beliefs I took a vow for better or worse in sickness and health til death do us part. So unless he passes away god forbid. I will not be able to date or remarry again. It's a hard reality to face at my age. I'm not young but not old either there are many years of loneliness ahead of me without my husband :'(
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
But he does NOT take your marriage seriously. He has been cheating for over a year, he gave you STD!
Please find some ftf counseling and get some support.
Hopefully he is far away now, he sounds very dangerous to you and threatening. The kind of help he needs you cannot give.
Please find some ftf counseling and get some support.
Hopefully he is far away now, he sounds very dangerous to you and threatening. The kind of help he needs you cannot give.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Be careful what you choose. Be careful
of the narrative you write for yourself.
You are giving this fellow a hell of a
lot of power over you that (to be blunt)
......he just doesn't have.
If it is your choice to be alone forever,
DO IT.
But as a previous poster said, there are
ALOT of fish in the sea. Many of them prime
catches----no addiction, looking for what you
are looking for, etc.
Perhaps you beliefs support the notion
that you will have an infinite number of future
lives to straighten this out and get it right. But
in my humble opinion----that is a very dangerous
assumption, and borderline disrespectful of the
life you are living NOW.
Go find a mirror. Look yourself in the eye for a
while. If you truly believe that that person looking
back at you truly deserves nothing but pain, misery,
and loneliness for the rest of her days-----then go ahead
and pine away until the end.
But I'll wager you'll come to the same conclusion I
did "I do not deserve to be treated like this, and I am
ready, willing, and able to truncate this misery from my
life."
Pining makes alot of money for people who produce
movies. But as an operational life philosophy---it truly sucks.
Go find someone out there in that infinite ocean
that treasures you....
being proximate to meth is a hell you do not deserve.
of the narrative you write for yourself.
You are giving this fellow a hell of a
lot of power over you that (to be blunt)
......he just doesn't have.
If it is your choice to be alone forever,
DO IT.
But as a previous poster said, there are
ALOT of fish in the sea. Many of them prime
catches----no addiction, looking for what you
are looking for, etc.
Perhaps you beliefs support the notion
that you will have an infinite number of future
lives to straighten this out and get it right. But
in my humble opinion----that is a very dangerous
assumption, and borderline disrespectful of the
life you are living NOW.
Go find a mirror. Look yourself in the eye for a
while. If you truly believe that that person looking
back at you truly deserves nothing but pain, misery,
and loneliness for the rest of her days-----then go ahead
and pine away until the end.
But I'll wager you'll come to the same conclusion I
did "I do not deserve to be treated like this, and I am
ready, willing, and able to truncate this misery from my
life."
Pining makes alot of money for people who produce
movies. But as an operational life philosophy---it truly sucks.
Go find someone out there in that infinite ocean
that treasures you....
being proximate to meth is a hell you do not deserve.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
This is the type of abandonment that allows for marriage annulment.
I hope you will get some counseling. If it is your spiritual belief that you are bound to this man, please seek spiritual counseling - because in most religions this is grounds for legal and spiritual separation.
I hope you will get some counseling. If it is your spiritual belief that you are bound to this man, please seek spiritual counseling - because in most religions this is grounds for legal and spiritual separation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he quit being a husband a long time ago. one the day of your wedding, TWO of you stood up and TWO of you took vows, together and to each other. it's beyond apparant than only one of you considered this a serious moment in your lives.......
since then he has stole from you and the child, abandoned you, had sex with MULTIPLE partners, unprotected, gave YOU serious sexually transmitted diseases, is now strung out on meth and is THREATENING you and putting your safety at risk.
does that SOUND like a husband?? does that SOUND like someone who gives a rats behind about you or your child? you are only as conscripted to a life of misery as YOU CHOOSE. and i would hope, you would chose NOT to be miserable and stuck to the likes of him for life......you and your child deserve WAY better.
since then he has stole from you and the child, abandoned you, had sex with MULTIPLE partners, unprotected, gave YOU serious sexually transmitted diseases, is now strung out on meth and is THREATENING you and putting your safety at risk.
does that SOUND like a husband?? does that SOUND like someone who gives a rats behind about you or your child? you are only as conscripted to a life of misery as YOU CHOOSE. and i would hope, you would chose NOT to be miserable and stuck to the likes of him for life......you and your child deserve WAY better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Thank you all so much for your responses and concern.
I guess I should be glad he's gone from our home. I guess it's just still so fresh and my love for him is not easily or quickly shut off since he hasn't always been this way before using. He was the most amazing man kind loving and protective of me and all of my family. It just had to understand how someone can change so much. It doesn't make sense. But slowly I am learning that due to his addiction he is no longer the man I love (loved) so much and that loved me. I know God will get me through this and in time I will heal and be ok. It just so new and hurts so much. I have been hurt in the past but was easier to get past since I never actually have been married before but now and after being with him for so long it's just hard to stop the love I have in my heart for him. This is all so new to me. I have had a lot of time to think. I've had such a low self esteem since childhood and now with this it's just made it worse but I know I am worth more and deserve better. I have been a good and faithful girlfriend and wife to him, I have taken very good care of him over the years and do not deserve the pain he's been putting myself and the kids through. I'm still learning about addiction and how much it can change someone. It's just hard to understand why they choose that in the first place
I guess I should be glad he's gone from our home. I guess it's just still so fresh and my love for him is not easily or quickly shut off since he hasn't always been this way before using. He was the most amazing man kind loving and protective of me and all of my family. It just had to understand how someone can change so much. It doesn't make sense. But slowly I am learning that due to his addiction he is no longer the man I love (loved) so much and that loved me. I know God will get me through this and in time I will heal and be ok. It just so new and hurts so much. I have been hurt in the past but was easier to get past since I never actually have been married before but now and after being with him for so long it's just hard to stop the love I have in my heart for him. This is all so new to me. I have had a lot of time to think. I've had such a low self esteem since childhood and now with this it's just made it worse but I know I am worth more and deserve better. I have been a good and faithful girlfriend and wife to him, I have taken very good care of him over the years and do not deserve the pain he's been putting myself and the kids through. I'm still learning about addiction and how much it can change someone. It's just hard to understand why they choose that in the first place
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
From all the time I've had this last 5 weeks since he's left to think about things and realize all that I've been blind to I do believe he started using sometime while working out of town a few months after we were married. He came back acting very paranoid and strange. I kind of had thoughts that something was going on but didn't honestly believe it was drugs. I asked him about it and of course he always denied it and made me think there was no way he would do something like that and since he had never acted that way before I didn't have a reason not to believe him. He had never once broken my trust before in all the years we had been together. That's why it's still so hard to believe this was happening right under my nose and I had no idea and was so blind to it all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
It's not at all uncommon. I knew my x drank. We went out all the time together. I was able to not let it effect my life. Him, not so much.
I did not find out about the drugs until about 2 years in. He did not do them regularly and we didn't live together anymore so I was clueless.
He was hardcore to. He was shooting coke, crack all the things I feel are hardcore. Even snorted meth on occasion.
Anywho, I digress. My point being I literally threw up when I found out he was using. Caught him red handed, deep down I knew something was off.
He wasn't acting in his typical drunk manner anymore. This was much worse.
I did not find out about the drugs until about 2 years in. He did not do them regularly and we didn't live together anymore so I was clueless.
He was hardcore to. He was shooting coke, crack all the things I feel are hardcore. Even snorted meth on occasion.
Anywho, I digress. My point being I literally threw up when I found out he was using. Caught him red handed, deep down I knew something was off.
He wasn't acting in his typical drunk manner anymore. This was much worse.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
I'm sorry. I do understand how you feel, at least somewhat. I agree with everyone who said to cut all financial ties with him. He can and will ruin you financially. Keep in mind that he is NOT the person you fell in love with. He is possessed by his addiction and as difficult as it might be to believe, it has nothing to do with you. I know how it feels to ask yourself how you couldn't have known but that thinking will get you nowhere. All you can do is protect yourself and your kids from this monster your husband has become. Do not ever let him inside your home without law enforcement present. Do not be alone with him, ever. Meth can make people very violent. Get a protective order if you have to. And remember that there is nothing you can do, or could have done, to stop him or to prevent this from happening. Once addiction sets in, the force of it is too powerful to reason with.
I urge you to seek counseling for yourself and your kids, and look into a support group such as Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. They are for loved ones of addicts and you will learn a lot of ways to cope with this nightmare. You will never fully understand what drug addiction feels like, but it sounds like you are educating yourself and that is good. PLEASE take care of yourself. Do not make any decision based on who you thought your husband was or who you want him to be. Right now he is addicted to meth and as you said, he is a stranger to you.
I urge you to seek counseling for yourself and your kids, and look into a support group such as Nar-Anon or Al-Anon. They are for loved ones of addicts and you will learn a lot of ways to cope with this nightmare. You will never fully understand what drug addiction feels like, but it sounds like you are educating yourself and that is good. PLEASE take care of yourself. Do not make any decision based on who you thought your husband was or who you want him to be. Right now he is addicted to meth and as you said, he is a stranger to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Thank you I definitely will be looking into counselling and Al-Anon/Nar-Anon for myself and the kids. I was just cleaning out the garage...his "man-cave" to pack up his stuff and am sick at all the "evidence" of his lies that I found. He was lying about so much and stupid me I believed everything he was telling me not knowing he was lying about so much. I definitely will not let him back into our home or around us for sure not while we're alone. I'm going to look into somehow getting an annulment or divorce. I can't believe how much he lied about money even and me struggling trying to pay the bills now even worse cause he gives me nothing and is making so much. All going to his drugs and girlfriend I'm sure. He makes me sick!! Thank you all for your support and helping me open my eyes. I pray God can keep him out of my thoughts and out of my mind and out of my heart so I can just move forward with my life and help my kids do the same being a good and mother to my kids and trying to comfort them. Please keep your advice coming. It helps and I appreciate it so much!!
Does anyone know what rights he has still being my husband and what ruin he can do or that I may be responsible for? I also found out he's illegal ugh do the lies ever stop
Does anyone know what rights he has still being my husband and what ruin he can do or that I may be responsible for? I also found out he's illegal ugh do the lies ever stop
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by brokenheart435 
Does anyone know what rights he has still being my husband and what ruin he can do or that I may be responsible for? I also found out he's illegal ugh do the lies ever stop
Although it's a huge step psychologically, see a lawyer asap, because the sooner you act the more chance you have of preserving your joint assets. If you feel like delaying, think about his GF enjoying money that should be going to your children. Or even worse, them drugging it away.
So sorry for your pain. I can't imagine how hard this is, but you sound like a person of strong morals and principles with enormous strength.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
