Broken & Confused Husband on Meth
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Thanks so much. After all I found today I most definitely will be trying to see if qualify for legal aide because I can't afford a lawyer. I'm hoping I will be able to get something out of him if he can even be found. I am really hoping I can get some financial help. I know I'll probably have to file bankruptcy as well which really sux but its better than having to deal with him and his lies.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi BH,
I am so sorry you are going through this. My XH also had issues with meth and it totally changed him in ways I couldn't even imagine. The drugs took him to a very dark place and if I would have stayed with him, I would have been on that journey with him. It took me a LONG time, but eventually I found the strength to walk away.
I also thought about my wedding vows, but the reality was that I was already living alone. Marriage is suppose to be about LOVE, RESPECT, and TRUST. None of those traits can exist if there are drugs involved in a relationship. I prayed long and hard and I remember someone telling me that you can't serve two masters at the same time. I wanted to serve my higher power, but my husband's addiction was overshadowing all the blessings in my life. I was depressed, anxious, nervous, etc. It was hard to serve my higher power when I didn't even have enough strength to get out of bed.
Eventually I came to the conclusion that I was given free will to escape these type of situations. I chose to be on my own instead of staying in an unhealthy, toxic relationship. I now have peace in my home and in my heart. It wasn't easy, but I was lucky enough to have a wonderful support system that included my faith, my family, my friends and all the wonderful people here on SR.
Loving someone with an addiction is a roller coaster ride and I hope you continue to come back and post. You are not alone and the people on this site know exactly what you're going through. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My XH also had issues with meth and it totally changed him in ways I couldn't even imagine. The drugs took him to a very dark place and if I would have stayed with him, I would have been on that journey with him. It took me a LONG time, but eventually I found the strength to walk away.
I also thought about my wedding vows, but the reality was that I was already living alone. Marriage is suppose to be about LOVE, RESPECT, and TRUST. None of those traits can exist if there are drugs involved in a relationship. I prayed long and hard and I remember someone telling me that you can't serve two masters at the same time. I wanted to serve my higher power, but my husband's addiction was overshadowing all the blessings in my life. I was depressed, anxious, nervous, etc. It was hard to serve my higher power when I didn't even have enough strength to get out of bed.
Eventually I came to the conclusion that I was given free will to escape these type of situations. I chose to be on my own instead of staying in an unhealthy, toxic relationship. I now have peace in my home and in my heart. It wasn't easy, but I was lucky enough to have a wonderful support system that included my faith, my family, my friends and all the wonderful people here on SR.
Loving someone with an addiction is a roller coaster ride and I hope you continue to come back and post. You are not alone and the people on this site know exactly what you're going through. Sending you lots of hugs and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Sara,
You are understanding this disease perfectly and compassionately.
I'm very proud of you. Your husband is a lucky man to have found
a partner in life that's willing to step outside the box and look in.
It's such an ugly and frightening disease, isn't it? And Sara...
You will find an answer, in time, to your questions.
Until that happens, Dear Sara, keep your guard up, protect your children
as if you're a lioness, keep your hope alive, and take care of that one person
you do have control over,..YOU!
We are here for you, we care deeply about you and your family!
A gentle, kind, hug to you from us!
We are not going to let you be alone in this...count on that!
Merry Christmas Sara!
TF
You are understanding this disease perfectly and compassionately.
I'm very proud of you. Your husband is a lucky man to have found
a partner in life that's willing to step outside the box and look in.
It's such an ugly and frightening disease, isn't it? And Sara...
You will find an answer, in time, to your questions.
Until that happens, Dear Sara, keep your guard up, protect your children
as if you're a lioness, keep your hope alive, and take care of that one person
you do have control over,..YOU!
We are here for you, we care deeply about you and your family!
A gentle, kind, hug to you from us!
We are not going to let you be alone in this...count on that!
Merry Christmas Sara!
TF
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi TF,
Merry Christmas to you too and I am proud of YOU! We've all seen how far you've come in your journey and how you now reach out to help others.
I filed for divorce last year and I know the wide range of emotions that come with such a decision. I am lucky enough to financially support myself and since we don't have kids together I was able to go no contact with him and take time for myself to heal and recover. I think when we remove ourselves from a difficult situation, even if it's just temporary, we are able to see things from a different perspective.
Merry Christmas to you too and I am proud of YOU! We've all seen how far you've come in your journey and how you now reach out to help others.
I filed for divorce last year and I know the wide range of emotions that come with such a decision. I am lucky enough to financially support myself and since we don't have kids together I was able to go no contact with him and take time for myself to heal and recover. I think when we remove ourselves from a difficult situation, even if it's just temporary, we are able to see things from a different perspective.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Sara
Thank you so much for advice and prayers. It has definitely been a roller coaster and I'm sure there are many hard days ahead of us still to come but I am faithful that in the end things will be better for us with him gone. I of course will always love and pray for him and hope one day he can turn his life around but my kids do deserve all of my focus and attention right now so I no longer can waste my time and energy worrying about him and what he's doing when the kids need that time and energy more. I appreciate everyone's advice and opinions and the help you all have given me to learn to be strong. Thank you!! I will be praying for you all as well *HUGS*
Thank you so much for advice and prayers. It has definitely been a roller coaster and I'm sure there are many hard days ahead of us still to come but I am faithful that in the end things will be better for us with him gone. I of course will always love and pray for him and hope one day he can turn his life around but my kids do deserve all of my focus and attention right now so I no longer can waste my time and energy worrying about him and what he's doing when the kids need that time and energy more. I appreciate everyone's advice and opinions and the help you all have given me to learn to be strong. Thank you!! I will be praying for you all as well *HUGS*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Every time I think...hope things will get easier i'm in tears and broken all over again. How do I make my children understand that their "dad" is gone and probably will never be the "dad" they once knew and that loved them. My son is 17 and is having such a hard time. He misses his dads hugs and talks and hearing him call him pet names. Joking around and wrestling with him. It literally kills me inside to see him so heart broken. I try to tell that his dad loves him and is sick and we just have to keep praying for him, but honestly I don't even know what i'm talking about. I don't know if he loves him or if he even cares. he hasn't called or texted them in weeks. The kids blame themselves and then take their anger and hurt out on each other and on me. I don't know how to help them, I don't even understand all of this myself. I just hurt so bad for them. It's hard for me to wrap my head around probably never having my husband back so I can't even imagine how hard it is for them to lose their father...then I go back to blaming myself for making him leave and taking their father away from them. I know I didn't make the choices that turned him into an addiction but I did make the choice to ask him to leave, not knowing what the outcome would be. Now they are hurting so much and I don't know how to fix it. Please someone help, give me some advice, what do I do? Will this pain ever go away? I don't want them to one day turn to drugs or alcohol because of the pain they are in. It scares me so much to even think of that happening. This is so hard and hurts so much :'(
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 250
Hi BH,
I agree with hopeful4 about getting some counseling with someone who knows about addiction. It's hard for us as adults to grasp what is going on, let alone children or teenagers. Remind them everyday that this is NOT their fault or your fault. Tell your son that now more than ever you need to rely on each other and love each other.
Tell him to not take what his dad is doing personally, because your husband's choice to use has nothing to do with your son. It's about his brain being wired to crave more and more drugs. As long as he continues to use, he will not make rational choices. I would always try to figure out WHY my XH was doing the things he did and I realized that you can't rationalize something that isn't rational. If you try, you'll feel like you're going crazy (at least I did).
Something that helped me during my recovery was reading some of the posts from people trying to recover from addiction. There's a forum about recovery stories and a forum on substance abuse. Reading some of their posts was an eye opening experience for me. Perhaps you can read some of the posts and, if you feel it's appropriate, share some of the information with your son. I also recommend that you read the stickies on the top of this forum.
Hugs
I agree with hopeful4 about getting some counseling with someone who knows about addiction. It's hard for us as adults to grasp what is going on, let alone children or teenagers. Remind them everyday that this is NOT their fault or your fault. Tell your son that now more than ever you need to rely on each other and love each other.
Tell him to not take what his dad is doing personally, because your husband's choice to use has nothing to do with your son. It's about his brain being wired to crave more and more drugs. As long as he continues to use, he will not make rational choices. I would always try to figure out WHY my XH was doing the things he did and I realized that you can't rationalize something that isn't rational. If you try, you'll feel like you're going crazy (at least I did).
Something that helped me during my recovery was reading some of the posts from people trying to recover from addiction. There's a forum about recovery stories and a forum on substance abuse. Reading some of their posts was an eye opening experience for me. Perhaps you can read some of the posts and, if you feel it's appropriate, share some of the information with your son. I also recommend that you read the stickies on the top of this forum.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Thanks Sara
I am looking into some counselling for us. I haven't seen any meetings for teenagers here but there is something called Celebrate Recovery? I don't know much about this or if it's anything like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or if it's something I could take my son with me to and maybe daughter as well or if it's just for adults. This is all so new to much I don't know much about any of this.
You're right my mind wants to know why but it's just making me feel like i'm going crazy and I just can't handle that right now. I'm doing my best to not worry about him at all and just focus on my kids right now. It's hard, especially at this time of year but i'm all they have so I have to be as strong as possible for them.
Thanks I will try reading some of those. I wish my husband would want help or to recover but he doesn't seem to. We haven't heard from him now in over a week and although I think about him constantly and hope he's ok I know all I can do is leave him in God's hands and worry about us. Try to figure out what we're gonna do from here and try and do what I need to do to secure us financially before he starts coming around bothering us again. Not sure that he will but from all I read on here i'm guessing sooner or later he'll be bugging for something. Only God knows.
As far as I know he's still working and has his girlfriend so i'm guessing as long as he has money and someone to screw he doesn't have a reason to come around or care what's going on at home.
Thanks I will definitely look into all of that. I appreciate your help and advice so much!!
I am looking into some counselling for us. I haven't seen any meetings for teenagers here but there is something called Celebrate Recovery? I don't know much about this or if it's anything like Al-Anon or Nar-Anon or if it's something I could take my son with me to and maybe daughter as well or if it's just for adults. This is all so new to much I don't know much about any of this.
You're right my mind wants to know why but it's just making me feel like i'm going crazy and I just can't handle that right now. I'm doing my best to not worry about him at all and just focus on my kids right now. It's hard, especially at this time of year but i'm all they have so I have to be as strong as possible for them.
Thanks I will try reading some of those. I wish my husband would want help or to recover but he doesn't seem to. We haven't heard from him now in over a week and although I think about him constantly and hope he's ok I know all I can do is leave him in God's hands and worry about us. Try to figure out what we're gonna do from here and try and do what I need to do to secure us financially before he starts coming around bothering us again. Not sure that he will but from all I read on here i'm guessing sooner or later he'll be bugging for something. Only God knows.
As far as I know he's still working and has his girlfriend so i'm guessing as long as he has money and someone to screw he doesn't have a reason to come around or care what's going on at home.
Thanks I will definitely look into all of that. I appreciate your help and advice so much!!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear BH,
My son (just turned 16) was struggling with his missing father and two sisters, I wasn't going to bash his dad for leaving us, or even both his sisters falling to addiction.
I told him that "drug abuse" and addiction, (not just pot, like he thought) was a brain disease that needed therapy and recovery that a mom or a family can't give or fix.
I agree with hopeful4 about taking yourself and son to counseling.
I did and I also had my son go privately to speak to our Pastor. PRIVATELY. No moms or anyone allowed. F2F just the two of them.
Another suggestion...alateen, he's with his peers, no parents, and might open up and speak freely about what's bothering him.
There's also another group...my support group has suggested to all the parents who have struggling sober teens...NAMI, they have special age appropriate teen groups where the teens can speak freely too, no parents allowed and is lead by a professional with experience in the areas your son might appreciate being involved with.
The problem? Getting a teenager to go. They don't like being the center of attention, exposing their "dirty laundry" but if YOU approach it as a non threatening, "try it once" attitude, it might help him understand where and why his family is not together?
This is just my opinion and I wish you well.
My son has opened up and understands addiction better and doesn't always retreat to the video games for comfort.
I'll be thinking about you!
TF
My son (just turned 16) was struggling with his missing father and two sisters, I wasn't going to bash his dad for leaving us, or even both his sisters falling to addiction.
I told him that "drug abuse" and addiction, (not just pot, like he thought) was a brain disease that needed therapy and recovery that a mom or a family can't give or fix.
I agree with hopeful4 about taking yourself and son to counseling.
I did and I also had my son go privately to speak to our Pastor. PRIVATELY. No moms or anyone allowed. F2F just the two of them.
Another suggestion...alateen, he's with his peers, no parents, and might open up and speak freely about what's bothering him.
There's also another group...my support group has suggested to all the parents who have struggling sober teens...NAMI, they have special age appropriate teen groups where the teens can speak freely too, no parents allowed and is lead by a professional with experience in the areas your son might appreciate being involved with.
The problem? Getting a teenager to go. They don't like being the center of attention, exposing their "dirty laundry" but if YOU approach it as a non threatening, "try it once" attitude, it might help him understand where and why his family is not together?
This is just my opinion and I wish you well.
My son has opened up and understands addiction better and doesn't always retreat to the video games for comfort.
I'll be thinking about you!
TF
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
TF
Thanks so much for the advice. I will see if I can find any of those in my area. I definitely don't want to bash their dad either. I just keep telling them to love and pray for him and that we cannot change him, only he can choose to change. I know it's hard for them cause they feel unloved by their dad wondering why he doesn't care enough to come see them or call them or even text them back.
I hope he will be able to open up and let the hurt out of him so that it won't eat him inside. I definitely don't want him ending up turning to drugs or alcohol or something because of the pain he feels ya know. I pray that never happens but only God knows. I definitely want to get him some help before then. Especially now when he's so close to graduation and everything i don't want him having to worry and stress over this, he has enough to worry about with school and things.
Thanks so much for your help and advice. I greatly appreciate your guidance!!
I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as well. GOD BLESS
Thanks so much for the advice. I will see if I can find any of those in my area. I definitely don't want to bash their dad either. I just keep telling them to love and pray for him and that we cannot change him, only he can choose to change. I know it's hard for them cause they feel unloved by their dad wondering why he doesn't care enough to come see them or call them or even text them back.
I hope he will be able to open up and let the hurt out of him so that it won't eat him inside. I definitely don't want him ending up turning to drugs or alcohol or something because of the pain he feels ya know. I pray that never happens but only God knows. I definitely want to get him some help before then. Especially now when he's so close to graduation and everything i don't want him having to worry and stress over this, he has enough to worry about with school and things.
Thanks so much for your help and advice. I greatly appreciate your guidance!!
I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers as well. GOD BLESS
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
I've never tried Celebrate Recovery but I would most definitely check it out.
I think it's so critical for your kids to get some sort of counseling. If lack of health insurance or money is an issue, remember that their school's guidance counselor is an excellent resource. Someone may have mentioned Alateen. Check with any health clinics in your area that may provide free or reduced rate counseling.
When I was 13 I found out something really shocking about my dad. For whatever reasons, my parents did not put my sister or me in counseling. I finally decided on my own at age 22 to seek counseling but I really wish I had gone sooner.
I think it's so critical for your kids to get some sort of counseling. If lack of health insurance or money is an issue, remember that their school's guidance counselor is an excellent resource. Someone may have mentioned Alateen. Check with any health clinics in your area that may provide free or reduced rate counseling.
When I was 13 I found out something really shocking about my dad. For whatever reasons, my parents did not put my sister or me in counseling. I finally decided on my own at age 22 to seek counseling but I really wish I had gone sooner.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 74
Thank you both for your advice. I will definitely get us into some counselling after the holidays and the meetings resume again. I will also be checking out the Celebrate Recovery. They hold it at a church near our home. I hope that will help.
Today is a hard day. Christmas Eve and we're now a broken family. I am just praying for God to give us strength. Its so hard to be happy and joyous when your heart is shattered and nothing feels the same. But for my children's sake I will do my best to hold back my tears and keep a smile on my face to make it the best I can for them.
I appreciate so much all of the advice and support I have gotten so far. Please keep it coming. I know there is a long road ahead and I pray that somehow someway the really hard days will be few and far between. It's hard to even do my daily makeup anymore cause it ends up all over my face lol
I will be praying for all of the families out there struggling this holiday season as well. That God will give us all strength and peace to make it through and I will be praying that we all have a MUCH better New Year. I am so thankful for finding SR. All of your love, thoughts, prayers and support are appreciated more than you will ever know!! THANK YOU and MERRY CHRISTMAS *HUGS*!!!
BH
Today is a hard day. Christmas Eve and we're now a broken family. I am just praying for God to give us strength. Its so hard to be happy and joyous when your heart is shattered and nothing feels the same. But for my children's sake I will do my best to hold back my tears and keep a smile on my face to make it the best I can for them.
I appreciate so much all of the advice and support I have gotten so far. Please keep it coming. I know there is a long road ahead and I pray that somehow someway the really hard days will be few and far between. It's hard to even do my daily makeup anymore cause it ends up all over my face lol
I will be praying for all of the families out there struggling this holiday season as well. That God will give us all strength and peace to make it through and I will be praying that we all have a MUCH better New Year. I am so thankful for finding SR. All of your love, thoughts, prayers and support are appreciated more than you will ever know!! THANK YOU and MERRY CHRISTMAS *HUGS*!!!
BH
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
