Protecting the children
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Protecting the children
hi everyone! its been quite awhile...just alittle update:kids are now 13 &12, i am in my (coming up)5th year in my program and of course still contantly growing every single day...
I lost another "cousin" do to an accidental drug use....
I am healthy, been sober all my life...and reconginize the disease in both sides of the family. I have alcoholics-many in recovery, and alot of substance users'(many cousins to this day)
I have been very honest with my kids...infact, i probably SCARE the crap out of them....this last death, my 34 old cousin didnt even know what hit him...died on the couch, while everyone did their morning duties...took someone a couple of hours to realize he was already stopped breathing....My uncle just passed in APRIL do to smoking, it was a slow and pain full death...
i have told my kids, they can never ever touch the stuff, ANYTHING....its like a plague in our family with drugs/and alcohol....
am i doing right?
I lost another "cousin" do to an accidental drug use....
I am healthy, been sober all my life...and reconginize the disease in both sides of the family. I have alcoholics-many in recovery, and alot of substance users'(many cousins to this day)
I have been very honest with my kids...infact, i probably SCARE the crap out of them....this last death, my 34 old cousin didnt even know what hit him...died on the couch, while everyone did their morning duties...took someone a couple of hours to realize he was already stopped breathing....My uncle just passed in APRIL do to smoking, it was a slow and pain full death...
i have told my kids, they can never ever touch the stuff, ANYTHING....its like a plague in our family with drugs/and alcohol....
am i doing right?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Nashua, Nh
Posts: 6
I often wonder the same thing. My children are younger (6, 8, &10). Their dad is an addict, their uncle is, and their grandmother committed suicide because she couldn't deal with her addiction anymore. I worry so much that they will end up with addiction issues.
So far I have shielded then from it. Their dad just started outpatient rehab and my 10 year old definitely knows something is up. I'm not sure how much I should tell him.
So far I have shielded then from it. Their dad just started outpatient rehab and my 10 year old definitely knows something is up. I'm not sure how much I should tell him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Hi Maggie!! Good to see you, but so sorry for your loss
I can only share my ES&H. My niece, the bratkin, has addiction in all her genes, both sides of the family.
She saw me go through my own addict years, and she was ANGRY. We got past that, and are very close.
She lost her bio-mom to a car wreck without ever really knowing her (she was only 1). She lost the mama who raised her, my stepmom, to an "accidental OD" last year.
I have been VERY frank with her. I took her through the 'hood where I used to smoke crack. You could have picked her jaw up from the floor, but she appreciates my recovery ever so much.
She is now married, her hubby also has addiction in his genes. However, they have a child and she is scared to death of passing on this disease to her child.
I don't regret being honest with her. I don't mind asking her what she is being prescribed for legit pain issues, and she is honest with me.
Are you doing right? Oh yeah, in my opinion. I will admit that bratkin went through a time when she was getting seriously drunk, obnoxious, using drugs, etc. but I was then in recovery and detached. She appreciates what I did now.
On another note, I was told by MY mama that addiction was in my genes, and I ignored her. I was too smart, I knew better, yada yada yada. I became an addict.
However, I got out of it because of what I'd been warned about and the foundation that my mom set.
Your kids may think, like me, that they know better, etc. They may do, like me, and push the limit.
I'm a firm believer in the foundation I was taught to believe in. Yes, I messed up, but I still held onto that foundation, what I deserved (a life free of drugs) and I'm one very happy recovering addict/codependent. My bratkin also has issues of codependency, too.
Sorry to ramble, but I do believe you are doing the right thing. Just beware of expectations, they are young and think they are invincible. It's hard to get past that, but consistency, love and perseverance works pretty darned good IMO.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Amy
I can only share my ES&H. My niece, the bratkin, has addiction in all her genes, both sides of the family.
She saw me go through my own addict years, and she was ANGRY. We got past that, and are very close.
She lost her bio-mom to a car wreck without ever really knowing her (she was only 1). She lost the mama who raised her, my stepmom, to an "accidental OD" last year.
I have been VERY frank with her. I took her through the 'hood where I used to smoke crack. You could have picked her jaw up from the floor, but she appreciates my recovery ever so much.
She is now married, her hubby also has addiction in his genes. However, they have a child and she is scared to death of passing on this disease to her child.
I don't regret being honest with her. I don't mind asking her what she is being prescribed for legit pain issues, and she is honest with me.
Are you doing right? Oh yeah, in my opinion. I will admit that bratkin went through a time when she was getting seriously drunk, obnoxious, using drugs, etc. but I was then in recovery and detached. She appreciates what I did now.
On another note, I was told by MY mama that addiction was in my genes, and I ignored her. I was too smart, I knew better, yada yada yada. I became an addict.
However, I got out of it because of what I'd been warned about and the foundation that my mom set.
Your kids may think, like me, that they know better, etc. They may do, like me, and push the limit.
I'm a firm believer in the foundation I was taught to believe in. Yes, I messed up, but I still held onto that foundation, what I deserved (a life free of drugs) and I'm one very happy recovering addict/codependent. My bratkin also has issues of codependency, too.
Sorry to ramble, but I do believe you are doing the right thing. Just beware of expectations, they are young and think they are invincible. It's hard to get past that, but consistency, love and perseverance works pretty darned good IMO.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Amy
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by startinganewnh 
I'm not sure how much I should tell THEM.
i like to be honest...not too honest to scare them (in the past) but this last death did it to me...I had to be up front and told them everything....
and yes purffect you are right...no expectations...they are children and only human....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Talking to them in an age appropriate way is the thing to do. If you don't, they know there are family secrets you are keeping from them and they will resent you for it, and him too.
Be open, be honest. They need a sounding board. They need to be able to talk to you about anything.
Good luck!
Be open, be honest. They need a sounding board. They need to be able to talk to you about anything.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Hi Maggie,
Of course my post got deleted! Sorry,
Ill try again, when my then 14 yr old son, learned that I went "no contact" with my two daughters, then 19 & 21 he thought I was being cruel and over dramatic because it was "just pot mom". Well, I sat him down (away from the video games) and told him about the pills and about opiates, I left out the visions of needles, veins and robbing pharmacies. I told him what addiction was, a brain disease and that the sisters needed help that I could give them.
When the recovering sisters were about a few months sober I let them explain how involved they got when they got a few months sober and that it wasn't "just pot" but the "just pot" led to others drugs they abused.
Hope this helps you!
Merry Christmas
TF!
Of course my post got deleted! Sorry,
Ill try again, when my then 14 yr old son, learned that I went "no contact" with my two daughters, then 19 & 21 he thought I was being cruel and over dramatic because it was "just pot mom". Well, I sat him down (away from the video games) and told him about the pills and about opiates, I left out the visions of needles, veins and robbing pharmacies. I told him what addiction was, a brain disease and that the sisters needed help that I could give them.
When the recovering sisters were about a few months sober I let them explain how involved they got when they got a few months sober and that it wasn't "just pot" but the "just pot" led to others drugs they abused.
Hope this helps you!
Merry Christmas
TF!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
I told my kids too--when my 1st (then 17 now 35 and clean); more when my 2nd (15 now 28) and my youngest were 7 and 3. The one who was 7 is now 22 and an active heroin addict...last year before she went no contact & I am maintaining it for my own health...she told me that she remembered me asking her year after year to never use drugs...I was fairly kind...and told her that I love her...but at least she remembers it. She has not been willing for any kind of recovery or help at all...so it is pretty hard...but I can tell you that she remembered.
At that time of life...I also learned about secrets and did not want them to make our family sicker because I was keeping them...I am glad that I spoke freely and clearly although as the 3 older kids have become adults...they have made it clear (or made me believe that their comments and thinking are going in that direction) that they do not want to hear about it...that in their minds, they made teenage mistakes and that they will never be willing for recovery as I am the one with the problem...depression...and have negative impacted the family over many years through that. I have set a boundary at that...because there isn't going to be truth telling in my family and I can see that...but I can do my recovery work...and have made great strides over the years (per long time doctor)--and so I just continue...it is very hard right now with this new bottom...but I am continuing to work with meds evaluation...starting another new one...and am happy that I was able to hold so constant for 19 years...and I am doing some stress handling classes (mindfulness) and have done a therapy to learn more and additional techniques from my health care provider...which is reminding me of things I 'knew' and practiced before this latest down came...and am trying to stay present...in every day and not rush to fix and am finding that the things I need to do are taking a lot of energy and that I am practicing self care in fighting to keep my insurance as long as possible. I am holding to what people say here...that it can and does get better...and I feel much calmer than 6 weeks ago...and am grateful for that.
At that time of life...I also learned about secrets and did not want them to make our family sicker because I was keeping them...I am glad that I spoke freely and clearly although as the 3 older kids have become adults...they have made it clear (or made me believe that their comments and thinking are going in that direction) that they do not want to hear about it...that in their minds, they made teenage mistakes and that they will never be willing for recovery as I am the one with the problem...depression...and have negative impacted the family over many years through that. I have set a boundary at that...because there isn't going to be truth telling in my family and I can see that...but I can do my recovery work...and have made great strides over the years (per long time doctor)--and so I just continue...it is very hard right now with this new bottom...but I am continuing to work with meds evaluation...starting another new one...and am happy that I was able to hold so constant for 19 years...and I am doing some stress handling classes (mindfulness) and have done a therapy to learn more and additional techniques from my health care provider...which is reminding me of things I 'knew' and practiced before this latest down came...and am trying to stay present...in every day and not rush to fix and am finding that the things I need to do are taking a lot of energy and that I am practicing self care in fighting to keep my insurance as long as possible. I am holding to what people say here...that it can and does get better...and I feel much calmer than 6 weeks ago...and am grateful for that.
Last edited by irisgardens; 12-19-2014 at 02:15 PM. Reason: addition
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: OH
Posts: 21
My brother and I were raised in a home with a very loving and supportive mother but with a father who was an active alcoholic/crack addict and very verbally abusive and physically threatening (never hit us, but was routinely drunk and would throw things, punch walls, etc.)
I saw firsthand how crippling and awful addiction was. My mom tried to keep a lot of it secret from us kids but we knew what was going on. I was more attuned to things than my brother was, and could hear them arguing through the walls, her complaining about his alcohol/drug use, etc.
I probably experimented more with drugs (softer stuff, though, because harder stuff scared me) than my brother did, but neither one of us wound up having that propensity for addiction that my father and all of his siblings seem to have. I think a lot of people try drugs and never become addicted. A smaller minority do, however, and they are hooked for life. I guess there is really no way to ever know.
While I never became an addict, later in life, I became involved with a man who is an addict and has totally wreaked havoc on my life. I never thought it would happen to me because I figured I'd learned that lesson from growing up with a parent like that. As they say, sometimes we try to resolve childhood conflict with a parent through a future romantic partner. I guess that's what I tried to do, and like most people, it wound up being completely unsuccessful.
I'm sorry about your situation with your children. I wish I could offer better advice. I think it's kind of a "luck of the draw" kind of thing with a complex interplay between genetics and the environment. They say a lot of addicts become that way because of suffering severe abuse, neglect, and mistreatment as children (in the case of my father and his brothers, that was true); others become addicted just because they have some genetic predisposition to it. My ex boyfriend and his sister are both hardcore addicts and they had good upbringings with a solid family home.
I don't get it and I don't think I ever will. I wish I could offer you better advice. I guess just be open and honest with them. Children are a lot smarter than people think. My mom tried to hide and cover up some things (eventually she gave up) but I was always a step ahead of her. I knew probably from about the age of 5 that things were horribly wrong in my home so establishing a relationship where we were honest and open, even at such a young age, was helpful to me and less confusing than it would have been otherwise.
I saw firsthand how crippling and awful addiction was. My mom tried to keep a lot of it secret from us kids but we knew what was going on. I was more attuned to things than my brother was, and could hear them arguing through the walls, her complaining about his alcohol/drug use, etc.
I probably experimented more with drugs (softer stuff, though, because harder stuff scared me) than my brother did, but neither one of us wound up having that propensity for addiction that my father and all of his siblings seem to have. I think a lot of people try drugs and never become addicted. A smaller minority do, however, and they are hooked for life. I guess there is really no way to ever know.
While I never became an addict, later in life, I became involved with a man who is an addict and has totally wreaked havoc on my life. I never thought it would happen to me because I figured I'd learned that lesson from growing up with a parent like that. As they say, sometimes we try to resolve childhood conflict with a parent through a future romantic partner. I guess that's what I tried to do, and like most people, it wound up being completely unsuccessful.
I'm sorry about your situation with your children. I wish I could offer better advice. I think it's kind of a "luck of the draw" kind of thing with a complex interplay between genetics and the environment. They say a lot of addicts become that way because of suffering severe abuse, neglect, and mistreatment as children (in the case of my father and his brothers, that was true); others become addicted just because they have some genetic predisposition to it. My ex boyfriend and his sister are both hardcore addicts and they had good upbringings with a solid family home.
I don't get it and I don't think I ever will. I wish I could offer you better advice. I guess just be open and honest with them. Children are a lot smarter than people think. My mom tried to hide and cover up some things (eventually she gave up) but I was always a step ahead of her. I knew probably from about the age of 5 that things were horribly wrong in my home so establishing a relationship where we were honest and open, even at such a young age, was helpful to me and less confusing than it would have been otherwise.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Maggie,
I was thinking about you as I drove my son(16 on 12/16!!) and his friends to FunSet Blvd., a safe fun place he wanted to go to for his birthday tonight. (mom excluded...oh well)
Anyway, I've told all three of my kids AND their friends...that if they ever find themselves in a situation where drugs or alcohol are being offered or they already are intoxicated or buzzed, by choice or not...to put my name and cell # in their cell phones and to call me and I will come, day or night to get them. Lock their cars up, don't drive and wait for me. I'm a non-confrontational, safe parent, who cares. We will talk in the morning or when they sobered up.
I'm not saying to these teens that it's ok to get high or drunk, but that I'm a "safe" parent they can count on and trust if they find themselves in trouble. I've gotten 3 calls and I did get 3 very drunk, driving, teens off the road ( one of these teens was my own daughter) and safely back to my home. When I consider the alternative, it could have been disastrous or maybe even deadly.
Teens appreciate honesty and the need to feel safe... these kids are no dummies.
IMO, a few teens are alive today because they found an adult they could trust and be honest with and not be fearful of.
God didn't make parents to be scrounges but to protect HIS gifts.
Hugs!
TF
I was thinking about you as I drove my son(16 on 12/16!!) and his friends to FunSet Blvd., a safe fun place he wanted to go to for his birthday tonight. (mom excluded...oh well)
Anyway, I've told all three of my kids AND their friends...that if they ever find themselves in a situation where drugs or alcohol are being offered or they already are intoxicated or buzzed, by choice or not...to put my name and cell # in their cell phones and to call me and I will come, day or night to get them. Lock their cars up, don't drive and wait for me. I'm a non-confrontational, safe parent, who cares. We will talk in the morning or when they sobered up.
I'm not saying to these teens that it's ok to get high or drunk, but that I'm a "safe" parent they can count on and trust if they find themselves in trouble. I've gotten 3 calls and I did get 3 very drunk, driving, teens off the road ( one of these teens was my own daughter) and safely back to my home. When I consider the alternative, it could have been disastrous or maybe even deadly.
Teens appreciate honesty and the need to feel safe... these kids are no dummies.
IMO, a few teens are alive today because they found an adult they could trust and be honest with and not be fearful of.
God didn't make parents to be scrounges but to protect HIS gifts.
Hugs!
TF
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Omy! thanks for the feed back....
i was thinking the other day...maybe this is me trying to prepare my self for the teenagers to be (trust me, soon enough)..
my kids see all with me, grieving mom missing their dad...and close people WE all have lost in the past...
but i am gratefull for my life...and "healthy" children....
i was thinking the other day...maybe this is me trying to prepare my self for the teenagers to be (trust me, soon enough)..
my kids see all with me, grieving mom missing their dad...and close people WE all have lost in the past...
but i am gratefull for my life...and "healthy" children....
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