Update on my boyfriend

Old 12-16-2014, 05:50 PM
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Update on my boyfriend

Well I just got a text from my boyfriend and he said he just woke up in a stairway and hasn't eaten in days and he wants to come home but doesn't have any money.
I sent him money to come home. Was it the right thing to do? Maybe not but if I don't send money then I will never know if he was telling me the truth and the last thing I want to do right now is turn my back on him when he needs help.
I guess I will just wait and see if he shows up or not. I have to go to work so I may not see him until tomorrow morning. I will keep you guys posted on how things go. Maybe my journey will help others who are going through the same thing as me.
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Old 12-16-2014, 05:54 PM
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Sorry, but...don't be surprised if you don't see him at all.
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Old 12-17-2014, 10:41 AM
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You did what you thought was right. You'll find out one way or the other. My daughter is always asking for money, I offer to send it and somehow she finds a way to move on without it. I hope he does take your money and come home for help, but only time will tell.
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Old 12-17-2014, 11:09 AM
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He's home

My boyfriend came home last night. He has been sleeping since he got home. Hes sick but not as bad as I have seen him before.
I text him while I was at work and he said he was glad to be home.
I told him that I was so scared when he was gone and how hurt I have been, he said he needs to make changes in his life.
What that means I don't know and we will talk when hes feeling better.
Theres my update for the day
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Old 12-19-2014, 07:12 PM
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Well its day 3 of my boyfriends detox. Today has been the worst day. He is in a lot of pain and just feels bad physically, mentally and emotionally.
He ended up drinking just to help with the pain which didn't work for long so he ended up getting some methadone. He took 2 doses ( he injected it) and he seemed a lot better for a while.
That lasted about an hour and then he seemed worse. He started to drink again and got drunk basically.
He wanted to go back out and use and I told him if he did he wasn't allowed to come home. I told him he cant just go out and let me wonder if hes ok and when/if hes gonna come back. He said fine but he didn't go.
He laid down for a bit and then woke up and wanted more methadone but I told him I think he was taking to much of it at once and he had to give it time and he needed to try to relax. He talked about leaving again to go use, he said he couldn't handle this and he felt so bad. He started to get dressed but I wouldn't let him. I told him I will burn his clothes before I let him go and use again. I told him he can use tonight but hes just gonna have to go through this all over again and this feeling is never gonna go away. he said he didn't care and then I just gave him the facts so I told him he has 2 choices he can get either get through or keep using and hes going to die. He seemed to hear me because he didn't mention 'going out' (as he calls it ) again.

I told him I don't know what hes going through but I am here for him. I told him I know he doesn't want to be like this and hes scared because he doesn't think he can make it through this but I know he can.
He wanted to go to the store for more alcohol so I said I would go with him, he said ok but then changed his mind and ended up falling asleep. I am wondering if he wanted to go and use or he was just so out of it he realized he could barely sit up straight let alone walk. Hes sleeping now and he seems comfortable, not crying in his sleep from feeling like crap and hes not tossing and turning either.
I am so happy he decided not to go and use and that he didn't want to drink anymore- I don't think the alcohol is good for his mental status and all its doing is delaying him from feeling what he eventually needs to feel. I was shocked the methadone didn't last that long but I don't know the mg he took .


Lessons I learned today:
I realize now how bad he is detoxing. The last two times he relapsed he was sick but never mentioned using again. I am scared for him this time. Seeing how sick he is and how scared he is really got to me tonight.

I know I can wake up tomorrow and he can be gone. I stopped him for now but I cant stay awake and be with him 24/7. If he really wants to use again theres nothing I can do. the only thing that I can say is that he doesn't have any money right now to get anywhere or to buy any drugs and if he really wants to get better he will stay here.

Just because he felt better for an hour does not mean this is over. It was nice to have the boyfriend that I know and love back but the other side of him ( the drug side) is still fighting to win this battle.

I would say tomorrow is another day but he could wake up any minute so im taking this hour by hour right now.
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Old 12-19-2014, 07:32 PM
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It sounds like he needs professional detox. I don't mean to be harsh, but you are not qualified to deal with this, most people aren't.

I'm both a recovering addict and a codependent who has/had loved ones still using. I was also a nurse before I lost that career to addiction. FWIW, money is not always an issue when we want to use. There are other ways around that, none of them good and they could affect you.

I pray that he seeks professional help and you allow it. Had the people who loved me not allowed me to hit bottom and dig myself out of the hole I'd dug myself into, I'd not be in recovery right now.

All said with love and compassion. I've been where you are, and I will never do it again.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

He is shooting up methadone? This is not safe.

I can sense how much you love him, but you can't fix him.
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Old 12-19-2014, 07:58 PM
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I am with Amy in this. This is serious and calls for
professional medical care. The best thing you could
do is steer him in the direction of getting it.
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Old 12-19-2014, 08:37 PM
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Impurrfect ~ I agree with you completely.
I do think he needs to be somewhere to detox but I don't think he will go and I am afraid if he thinks I am pushing him he will leave. It maybe a chance I have to take but I don't think hes in the right frame of mind to think of much right now
If he wanted professional help I wouldn't stop him. I would support him in any decision he makes.
He injected methadone because he said it works faster and he did seem better pretty quickly.
I also have a feeling he injected it to substitute heroin which scared me. I will talk to him tomorrow that I wont allow him to continue to do that, hes never going to get better if hes doing that.

I do love him so much and I want him to get better so badly. I know I cant fix him and I am not qualified to deal with all this. I am just trying to be there for him as best as I can. Like I said though if he thinks I am pushing him to a rehab center he may leave and go use again and I don't want that either. I am just basically taking it hour by hour.
I do see it as a good sign that I told him he had a choice to go and use and never come back or to stay here and work through this. I know that he may leave anyway but hey one day at a time right.
I talked him through 2 separate urges to use again and I don't think he wants to use to get high right now, he wants to use to feel better. Hes scared right now and I feel so bad for him.
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Old 12-20-2014, 08:55 AM
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if he's shooting up IN your home, buying methadone off the street, AND drinking, he IS using. you aren't stopping him from anything. I know you THINK you are, but you are enabling him big time. you were willing to GO WITH HIM to buy more alcohol!

you talk about NOT ALLOWING him to shoot up, and not allowing him to leave. do you plan to be his jailer? are you going to stay home and watch him 24/7? your rationale about addiction is pretty skewed:

I don't think he wants to use to get high right now, he wants to use to feel better

you don't have your BF back, you have an active addict on your hands.

if he really wants to get better he will stay here.


you are not an addiction specialist, nor is your home a detox center. if he REALLY wanted help, he'd DO something about it. if he can call YOU, he can call for some type of professional help. and he needs a lot more than a three day detox....but that is all on him. as long as he knows when it gets so bad he wakes up in a stairwell and you'll send him money and take him in, he's not likely to make the right call.
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Old 12-20-2014, 09:20 AM
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thank you AnvilheadII ... I couldn't have written better.

Lilly ... I find when I say something out loud to another person, especially when I don't realize I was trying to find support for 'my cause' (helping and making excuses for XABF... is when I would 'hear' my truth.
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Old 12-20-2014, 02:54 PM
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I don't want him to drink but I would rather that then him leaving and going to use again. He no longer is on methadone and we talked about him going to a rehab center, he says he should of gone and didn't have answer when I asked him why he didn't.
I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital ( they have a rehab center there) and he said if he doesn't feel any better tomorrow we can go.
He said its hard for him to breath especially when he walks around or gets upset over what hes done to himself and to me .

Anvil ~ I had no idea he was planning on shooting the methadone up. I told him he isn't aloud to do that again. I don't want him drinking either but he says it helps him and I would rather him do this until he feels better then getting so bad he wants to use again.
My home isn't a detox center and I never claimed to be a specialist on this subject. I am far from it, I have no idea what he is going through.
All I can do is help him and at least here hes safe and not on the streets. I want him to get professional help and we talked about it and he agreed to see how he felt tomorrow.
As far as staying here 24/7 I cant do that. I have to go to work where he will be left alone. If he leaves then its on him. He could of left any time and he hasn't.

Why do I feel like people are after me? People on here saying I am doing the wrong thing. My mom is not being supportive at all and is making me feel bad for trying to help him. All I want to do right now is cry.
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Old 12-20-2014, 04:02 PM
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I know that you are worried about him and want to help him, but if he is having trouble breathing I would suggest getting him medical attention ASAP. Last year we attempted to help our son detox from heroin. He was having trouble breathing. He finally agreed to go to urgent care and was diagnosed with pneumonia. I understand your concern about him, but it may be time to get professionals involved.

Last edited by mayabee; 12-20-2014 at 04:14 PM. Reason: Clarification
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Old 12-20-2014, 04:13 PM
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lily, a a recovering addict I want you to know that I was unable to detox without medical care. It was just impossible for me.

As the wife of an addict I let AH try to detox at home several times. It never worked. He has detoxed twice in rehab and once in jail. I've been where you are. I even bought him weed to help the withdrawls, but the fact of the matter is that nothig eases the pain of his withdrawls without medical intervention.

When someone is given methadone by a doctor it is taken orally, not injected. To slam it is using. Of course he got even more sick after using methadone. The withdrawls from it are worse than street opiates. Speaking of opiates... It doesn't matter what they're called, perc, roxy, oxy, etc... They all are the same thing: heroin

Drinking doesn't ease the pain of withdrawls. It only makes them worse. There's nothing you can do to force him into treatment. All you can do is let go, or be dragged.
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Old 12-20-2014, 04:33 PM
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Lily, I think that the feedback you are getting here is out of concern and not meant to attack you. The people on this board have lots of experience with addiction. Many have dealt with addicted loved ones, many are recovering addicts themselves. If you are getting the same feedback from us and from family members who love you, it might be because we are able to see that you are really putting yourself at risk. Sometimes that's hard for people to see about themselves in the middle of a crisis--in a crisis we sometimes go into emergency mode and act without thinking things through. From the things you have said, it sounds like you are thinking about what you will and won't "allow" him to do, but it's easier for us on the outside to see that you really are not in control of his actions. And you are offering a lot of excuses for the fact that he is actively using, that he needs it to get through, etc., but it's easier for us on the outside to see that he is using because he is an addict and that's what addicts do. I hope you will find a way to get out of this situation. I'm sorry to say this, but you are not powerful enough to help him, and this situation is putting you in danger of all sorts of terrible consequences. He is not safe because he's staying with you. He is still using, could still OD, etc.
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Old 12-20-2014, 05:51 PM
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Lily

You seem like a very nice person. Please believe me when I say I know what you are going thru. If you read my posts you will see. I am not criticizing you and I am not "after" you. I really do feel badly for you. You are probably a perfectly fine human being who had no idea what you were getting into when your boyfriend turned out to be an addict.

I promise you that I am just sharing with you some facts that I have learned the hard way, not only from my personal experience, but also from a lot of learning I have done.

*Distinguishing between alcohol and other drugs is a bad idea. Alcohol actually can convert into morphine in the brain. Moreover, regardless of an addict's drug of choice, alcohol can easily lead any addict back to using. Many addicts use alcohol plus another drug. So alcohol is not a "second best" -- it's as bad as using.

*The likelihood of dying from heroin detoxification is very small. It's painful and unpleasant, but it does not lead to death unless the person actually has seizures (which is rare).

*On the other hand, the likelihood of dying from an overdose of heroin is actually pretty high. Heroin is not some kind of government controlled drug. You have no idea what its potency will be until you inject it. And if someone has tried to stay clean for a period of time, their tolerance will be lower, which actually makes the risk of dying higher. Here's an interesting fact: dying from illegal drugs is the most common non-natural form of death in America. And that does not count things like people who commit suicide or are murdered in the course of getting or using drugs.

*You cannot possibly help your boyfriend detox. He needs to be with medical professionals in a controlled, inpatient detox center. I'm sure you love your boyfriend very, very much. But would perform open heart surgery on him at home? I'm guessing not. The only place where he should detox is in a detox facility. If your boyfriend were dangerously ill, you'd take him to the hospital wouldn't you? This is no different.

*There is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent him from taking drugs. Nothing. You can take his clothes away, take his money away, and he will still find a way to do drugs. I once met an addict who made a very revealing point to me. People who have no jobs, no family, no place to live, no formal education and no visible means of support still manage to find a way to use $200 worth of drugs every single day. Drug addicts are the most inventive, resourceful people in the world. You can't stop them.

*Contrary to what you believe, when he is in your home he is NOT in a safe place. He's in a very dangerous place, because he is at continuous risk of using. So he is NOT better off in your home. The only safe place for him right now is a detox center.

*There's only one way to get him to a detox center. Make his life so miserable and uncomfortable that he will be forced to go there. Only when he is in a situation that is utterly untenable will he consider detox. And only then will he be (temporarily) safe.

*In all you are going through, there is a piece of very, very good news that you may have overlooked. Your boyfriend texted you from the stairwell -- hungry, tired, desperate. He reached out to you, not the other way around. At that moment, he was very close to bottom. This means that if he hits bottom again, and you stand your ground, you can force him into detox.

*The logical conclusion, I'm afraid, is very clear. If your boyfriend will not immediately go into detox, you have to kick him out. It's that simple. Tell him he has to go into detox NOW or kick him out IMMEDIATELY. I assure you, there really is no other way.

*Here's the bad news. If you do get him into detox, it is only the very, very beginning in a very long journey. A journey that will take years, and that your boyfriend will most likely fail on at some point. Roughly 80% of heroin addicts relapse (and there are lots of good medical reasons why). So don't look for any magic solution any time soon.

*At some point you may have to decide whether it is worth the pain to stay with him. I cannot tell you what to do. I'm just asking you to keep an open mind about that.

For now, if you really love your boyfriend, and you really want to help him, force him into detox by kicking him out. As many clinicians point out, people forced into detox CAN recover. It does not matter why they go there, it matters why they stay there.
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Old 12-20-2014, 06:04 PM
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Lily - I came to SR as a newly recovering addict. I quickly found out I was also a recovering codependent (codie) but that was far harder to handle.

We aren't against you, we are sharing our own ES&H.

I've been you. I watched my stepmom detox from opiates and benzos more times than I can remember. I KNEW she needed professional help, but neither she nor my dad would agree. Legally, I had no say-so.

I woke up, a little more than a year ago, to find my stepmom dead. I tried CPR, but as a former nurse, I knew it was too late. She had a lethal combination of opiates and benzos in her system.

There are many loved ones here who have also found THEIR loved one dead, in their own home.

I'm not saying this to scare you, I'm simply pointing out reality.

He is not reaching out for the help he needs. You have admitted that you are not qualified to be his detox specialist.

His recovery, or lack of, is on him. That is all we are trying to point out.

I lost an XABF to the drug we both shared, but I chose recovery. I lost a stepmom to another drug I abused, but I chose recovery.

Their desire to keep using, despite my sharing how recovery was so great, fell on deaf ears.

Again, no one is against you, we are simply sharing our ES&H, and I admit - at first, it was really hard to hear and I rebelled. It took time to see that people really cared about me, and we do care about you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 12-20-2014, 08:23 PM
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NJandy~ thanks for your input and some of it I believe in, I do think it was a good sign that he reached out to me for help instead of just laying in the stairway till he died.

I don't think I can force him into a rehab center. I honestly believe if I woke him up right now and kicked him out he wouldn't decide to go to rehab he would go right back to using and this time he probably wouldn't stop. I also don't think making his life miserable will do anything but get him to leave and go use. And he feels miserable enough I don't want him any more depressed than he already is.

I don't think a forced rehab situation works, he was court ordered to rehab before and he didn't stay sober he just took the easy way out. Rehab is better then jail im guessing

I don't like the fact that hes drinking but it keeps him away from heroin. I told him today the drinking has to stop too or else hes going to have more crap to get out of his system and hes never gonna feel better.

Amy~ I want whats best for him and I wish he told me he should of gone to rehab I would of made phone calls and got him somewhere the night he came home. But I also believe that he was in so much pain if he was at rehab on Friday he would of left to go use again cause he wanted to leave here but he didn't.

He hasn't talked about using since then (I think it was a combo of the methadone and alcohol that made him delirious). Today he talked about how shocked he is at what he did. He told me he is isn't totally sure but hes pretty sure he was close to dying when he text me.
I didn't know what to do when he came home but I will say I was afraid if I pushed rehab he would of left and never came back. And some people say that's his problem or his decision but I cant help the guilt I would of felt if something bad happened to him.
That is why I cant just kick him out either. Call me stupid but it wouldn't sit right with me if I did that. I was scared enough when he disappeared knowing I did that would haunt me for the rest of my life.
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Old 12-21-2014, 09:44 AM
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Lily, how are things going today?
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Old 12-21-2014, 11:53 AM
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Hi Mayabee~ My boyfriend is actually doing well today.
He is cutting down the drinking.
He said he thinks the worst is pretty much over ( detox wise not recovery of course)
He is eating better, but is getting really bad heartburn.
He was getting the cold sweats for a while but now hes just warm.
He admits that the methadone he took was a mistake and he would of felt a lot better sooner if he didn't take it.
I know he has a very long road ahead of him but today has been a good day so far and I am so happy for him.
I told him today I was proud of him ( and I am), he seemed shocked that I am proud of him but it did seem like he was happy to hear me say it. He could of went back out and used but instead he stayed here and went through the pain and even though he drank the past 3 days I don't think he would of made it this far with out it.

Thanks for asking. I wasn't going to post anything more because of people telling me I was wrong for having him hear but its nice to have someone ask about whats going on.
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Old 12-21-2014, 12:01 PM
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Lily, glad that he is doing ok. If he is serious about recovery, hope that he will consider NA meetings. Remember to take care of yourself. Nar-anon meetings have helped me a lot.

Last edited by mayabee; 12-21-2014 at 12:03 PM. Reason: Clarification
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