irisgardens

I am a wreck and simply got physically and emotionally sick with the codependency after this past 1 1/2 years of working to stay in tough and 'support' her with the tough love I have learned to do...although I have never enjoyed it.

Right now...just trying to pick myself up and do what is good for me...health care professionals pushing that...but I am so isolated and truly embarrassed and feel like perhaps it was all my fault (resisting this)--it is something that came from my childhood with an emotionally abusive mother...physically abusive dad...highly functioning alcoholics...long story short...and wishing that this nightmare would end.

It won't until I make it end...so have 'let go, let God' of the 5 kids...and letting them figure out their lives and their life choices. I need to do more...much more...but the new & increased meds are just starting to take effect...so that was step 1--thankfully, my pdoc actually has always understood all of what has been happening...and says I have been very resourceful for a long time--I will take that compliment...because needing to name my positive points to myself as I work to take next steps...and also realize that any positive thing practiced in excess becomes a negative...

SR is hard for me...I read a lot...and as I read...it is hard to not see myself in many situations...I always chose to work on myself in whatever venue I could find...and still am doing that...so I truly hope that the program is sincere about it taking what it takes for each of us individually...as when I go down...I tend to blame myself for all...and the family is good at letting that be true...

I yelled at husband today...and he is so good at setting boundaries with me...I will not listen to you yell and scream...and he doesn't remember all the many times he has done it in the past...so now I realize that most people don't have good memories either.

I have been in bed a great deal...but with the meds...got up today and it helped.

Beginning to realize that noone 'made' me do the enormous amount of support I have done...and working to just let that in...and working not to 'blame' myself or tell too many 'truths' that tend to come out of me on a delayed basis...as I have always been a stuffer.

I am grateful for many things...although not allowed to talk about them...my 2nd daughter was 5150'd many times...during high school...at that time I still felt in charge of my life and since she was under 18...kept getting her help. During those times, the doctors were more than happy to talk to me about it and in retrospect...I enjoyed being respected as a smart person who was working very hard to be a caring mother...even when it involved tough love.

I am remembering that...and reminding myself that if I have been able to go through as much as has happened...I can reach deeper and figure out how to do self care -- whatever that means right now...

I am working to not beat myself up as much...but to focus on the positive stuff...and also to let my husband be who he is and choose to do what he does...and to let my HP work on me...rather than all the people who I helped but was not healthy...because in the back of my mind I always thought...when we get through this...then... but that is not how life works...and it is a lot of truth and reality to internalize...but I am working on it...and accepting that my recovery work and 12 step work and therapeutic work is 'my problem' based on the rest of the family and I cannot make a difference anymore...and maybe I never could.

I always felt 'called by God' based on my religious and family upbringing...but have grown to understand that the God I was raised with had nothing to do with the God who is my HP...and I am grateful to a grandmother who raised me to pray things over...because right now...that is probably what is holding me together...I have 'experienced'--e.g., been able to 'see' miracles in situations where I have prayed before...a few years ago...the son of a woman I am acquainted with survived a gunshot to the head in SF...that was and is a miracle...hit the news in a big way...don't know them well...but they were neighbors.

So I figure that if I pray and ask God to help me, to show me one thing at a time...and do that...and use some of the techniques I have learned over the year...when it 'feels' too hard...I write that one thing as a 'to do' and then focus on it until it gets done...

I am still giving husband hugs although he is not initiating...I am so caught up in my thinking that I could make that bad...but it is more than I can handle. Beginning to understand that I need to work through my own issues (including memories of bad experiences in the past that my memory hasn't let go of yet...usually takes focus for me to do that...and often something good or positive that was unexpected or that my brain can see)--so for today...this is it...going to remain in the present...stopping the bad memories...and realize that husband has to work through this same situation his own way.

Ultimately I am just praying for direction and trying to 'take care of me' as husband says...he is very understanding...has not been drinking much since midway through our 2nd child...as we both have the addict gene (inherited)...and I am thanking God for the almost 40 years we have...and that things have gotten better over time...and I am praying that I can get through and through the depression which doctors have told me is probably biological.

Trying not to be too needy, not to talk, not to really be anywhere but in take care of me land...it is funny...I never know what that means when people say it but I am reminding myself that that is my 'learning process'...have a huge vocabulary because when others use words from different parts of the world...careers, industries, spiritual...I tend to want to know what they mean and then I try to stick to it long enough to figure out the meaning through my own experience...as just knowing the word in my brain doesn't make it real.

So...hopefully...over time and with time...self care will become something that is more familiar and less threatening and leaving me with a feeling of aloneness in the world. I know that that is not true...but don't know how to change yet.

Whitewingeddove

You are not alone! Sending cyber hugs to you tonight!

Vale

I second Whitewingdove!
( What are WE...chopped liver!?)

Twofish

Sorry...double post! Why is this happening??

Twofish

Dear IrisGardens,
I third what Whitewingdove says too!!
Self care, take this seriously, breathe, eat something, get a few hours of
sleep, and accept support, both from from your SR family and your
F2F meetings/therapy!
You're not alone IrisGarden, not with a duck and Twofish and a few
thousand others who are reading this.
We care about you and this "aloneness" will ease up as you become stronger.
Here's a thousand hugs from all of us!
TF

irisgardens

Thanks to all. The lonely and aloneness is quite challenging so it is good that it will ease up as I get stronger...and just trying to acknowledge honestly where I am. The meds are kicking in...and seeing the therapist is good...it has had it's challenges due to delays between insurance and health organization...but I know that I have paid so am dealing with the stress of something possibly going wrong...

I overthink things...and am working to stop that...and to just look for supportive situations...when I write here...I mostly start to judge myself...and so it is good to read these responses...and I am working on trusting the support...

I have let go and let God for the holidays...and so it is challenging today as I asked my husband today (he is not encouraging me to talk...but I believe it is because he knows how precarious our situation is) what he thought we should do...and he told me that the girls already told him that they were pulling things together...so I will call my oldest and ask...as I do not get any of the information...and that is frustrating.

Struggling with some things that I am perceiving as control issues...but don't know if they are...husband and I are both angry is my sense...but he has closed down (grateful he found a job because it gives me a bit longer to get stronger--as I am realizing that I can't do this without God (my HP)--and focusing that I have always given my very best (an overachiever) so I do not need to put myself down or be embarrassed, feel shame or guilt about the current down.

I am laughing in a painful way--am known as a prayer warrior and have prayed for and been blessed to see many (in the ways God's brings miracles...not happily ever after...but through change and transformation within (my belief) and sometimes...as in my Dad's case...huge help in prolonging his life when he was sick...or my middle daughters' case...when we had insurance that was affordable.

So, now...I am being asked to believe that God will help me through all of this...and I am not handling it well. I need to renew my spiritual relationship with the Lord (my HP) and feel chagrined that I have slid so significantly when 6 years ago...I felt well and able to practice my program...and somewhere along the line...I slipped and the slippery slope took me all the way down.

Very grateful for the hugs and support and I am clinging to those...I am clear that family is not able to be there for me (have been clear for many years...but somehow with them all talking to each other and me not being included--husband says that I need to take care of myself...and do the program...but I am clear that I am pretty much on my own...everyone else is too busy...was reminded yesterday that most people are simply taking care of their own needs...and they are doing that.

I have held the boundary with my active addict daughter...and that has been wearing...and the family even talks differently than I do...so I feel alone even when they are here...

Praying for guidance...and that I am not down for the permanent count. It is terrifying, but I am working on the steps...and trusting that if God has done miracles for others (that I have observed)--there is a chance for me...and that talking out loud is not ok in my family--they tune me out. Kind of just begging my HP on help...or guidance...but remembering that I have been a 'doing' for a very long time...and am being encouraged to work on being a 'being' ... and I am also irritable.

Txhelp

You sound as if you are in the grieving process. It's a process alright. Sort of giving up the dreams that we had for our children, when they were so innocent and full of life.

The dreams become different....even if the child is in recovery, their life often turns out different then we expected.

I, as a mom, of (2) addicts just keep on taking things as they come...trying not to worry about the future. It will take care of itself with no help from me. I have tried helping and it didn't help.