VirgoRising

I feel extremely overcome by guilt and remorse for the way I have lead my life over the last 3 years. I have allowed an addict to abuse me in the worst ways imaginable. I have believed the most absurd lies. I have given my absolute and utmost devotion, faith, love, and loyalty to a man who has given nothing to me in return. If I told you the things I have done for this man, it may shock you, but I have a feeling many of you have done just as shocking, if not more shocking things for your addicts. The way I have mistreated my family in the process of all of this absolutely breaks my heart. Now that I have (hopefully) removed this character from my life once and for all, I know who REALLY loves and cares about me and it breaks my heart that I shut them out of my life because he wanted me to.

For the longest time, I believed I would live my life forever going in the same pattern with my ex over and over again (it was like that for a solid two years). We'd break up and make up, and his behavior always followed the same patterns - very kissy and lovey dovey initially, very apologetic - all words never deeds - and then the emotional abuse, manipulation, lies, denial, and neglect would set in again.

In the meantime, I got sucked up into that cycle, and I never left because I isolated myself so much. I was so devoted to my addict, even in the worst of times, that I never let other people into my life. I internalized so much grief and sorrow. I have felt so depressed, and I have abysmally low self-esteem. I really started to believe I would be worth nothing to no one. My addict used to tell me, "It'd be such a shame for us to break up because we'll never find anyone better for each other." We have so much in common and have such an appreciation for so many of the same things, that I narrowed my focus down on to him and believing I could only share those things with him. I clung to that so much.

As I got into my 30s, I worried so much I would never get married and have children. Ten years before, I thought my life would be so different by now. I have a good job and my own home, but the husband and the children were missing. I became so convinced that I would be worthless and unneeded by anyone else, that at times - even in the worst of times - I reconciled to myself that maybe I should just stay with this man. Better to be with a man that mistreats you rather than totally alone, right? (Of course not, and I realize just the opposite is true now). I started to have this attitude that if I don't have children soon, I might not ever have them. It got dangerously mixed up in this situation with this very abusive person.

He has been unemployed and on state benefits as long as I've known him. He snorts opiate drugs and gives them a little "boost" with benadryl (he says it calms him down!) He is a NASTY person who is at one moment sweet and kind and the very next incredibly cruel. He picks on me and berates me for the smallest and stupidest things - like a thousand little pricks all at once instead of a single hit. I have invested everything I have emotionally, physically, and financially in this relationship. It is absurd and frightening to me to think about how much I have given my all in this relationship - I have likely spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on him. It is insane - here I am in my early 30s, and I am routinely told I am a beautiful and kind person - and here I have been for so long supporting this man and being responsible for him. It's amazing when I look back on it - and I knew it was rotten for years now and yet I have continued to stay.

I am now in a horrible bind - a member of a club I never wanted to be a member of. I would rather not divulge what has happened because I have already been specific enough to the point that if he read this, he would easily identify me (though I doubt he would come onto a site like SR) - I am going through the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life right now, all because my self-esteem is so low, because all reason went out the window for me, all because I believed his stupid and petty lies and BS...

I never, ever thought this would happen to me, and I am so incredibly heartbroken for it. I can only hope that in the wake of this horrible nightmare I am living through, that it will be a catalyst for change, the wake-up call that I needed to really, truly leave this abuser behind once and for all.

Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this - I guess I am just feeling very heavy and low right now and really needed to get it out of my system...

NJandy

Hi Virgo

I'm very sorry for what you are going through and the pain you are feeling. I can certainly relate, especially to the worry that you might have wasted a portion of your life, and the realization that you allowed certain parts of your life to whither.

I think you are going to be ok and I think tomorrow will be a better day. Don't worry, you are extremely young, and there is plenty of time left to get married and have children -- for me having children was the best thing I've every done. Heck, from my personal experience, I'd say you have plenty of time to get married, have children, get divorced and remarried and then have another crazed relationship all over again. (Ok, that last line was meant as a joke (although it's also true). I hope you have a sense of humor, it's just meant to add levity.)

But while I understand and really can relate to your pain, try not to feel guilty. Everyone makes mistakes. I've been fortunate to learn from (most) of mine. Try to remember what Aldous Huxley said (a paraphrase not a quote): If you make a mistake, admit it and resolve not to do it again. But don't wallow in guilt. Rolling in the muck is not the best way to get clean.

Andy

Hope7726

I'm so sorry Virgo. I didn't spend as long with my AXBF and he wasn't nearly that horrible to me but the time I did spend with him does feel wasted. I am in my early 30s as well and I want to get married and have kids. I don't feel like I have a lot of time to waste on bad relationships. I beat myself up sometimes but what's the point? I've beat myself up over past relationships and now I don't even think about them.

Have you attended Nar-Anon or Al-Anon? The 12 steps help you come to terms with your resentment. The program in general allows you to look at your behavior and accept that you did what you thought was best at that time, but now you realize it wasn't and you will not behave like that again.

Remember, just because you are immensely sad and highly regretful right now doesn't mean you will be forever. Pain is temporary, as long as you eliminate the source of it.

Feel free to private message me if you'd like

Yogagurl

Sister VirgoRising - I feel your pain. I encourage you to read my story and you will find a very similar story. You are NOT ALONE having totally been swallowed by someone else's addiction, losing any bit of the boundaries you had once set for yourself. It happens to the smartest, prettiest, and brightest of people. Addiction does not discriminate - it will take down anyone who is directly associated with the addict in it's path. When I finally left my AH, I was so lost and so confused, so beaten, so angry at myself. How could I let someone treat me SO SO SO SO abusively and destroy my spirit till there was only a shell of a body holding me up???? It happens to ANYONE who gets in the path of the drug abuser and it will take time, but you WILL begin to heal. When you feel yourself beating yourself up about it, let those emotions come and go. Cry and scream and acknowledge that you are in the grieving process and it will definitely take time to become whole within yourself again. Emotional abuse leaves residual anxiety, self doubt, anger, and depression. What is important is to remember that manipulation is subtle and this did not happen over night... You don't even realize that it's happening - you just wake up one day and you feel like someone kicked your ass. That's the way it works and you can't really see what's happening until you remove yourself and take a look from a distance. You may be hard on yourself now, but if you can understand the dynamic of emotional abuse is a gradual wear, you will also understand the reason for what may have seem like a total oblivion to what you were experiencing. Time, research, reading, introspection, physical and spiritual fulfilling activities will help to make the pain less substantial. I hope this helps.

my1life

Hello,

Your post sounds just like me 18 months ago. I understand what you are experiencing. It will take time for you to heal; you have been through a traumatic experience.

My ex is a crack addict. I had no idea for the first few months, but after living together he could no longer keep the secret. It was a horrendous situation to escape. The lies from him, his family, it was unbelievable. They did everything in their power to keep him with me, convince me he was going to get better, etc. I was with him just about the same amount of time as you, did the same denial, shutting others out, family, friends, failing at work. I was so ashamed of myself for getting into such as mess. I knew nothing about drugs and addicts. I have never known someone to use hard drugs, cocaine, crack, heroin - I was so naive. It took me 18 months of planning, and working towards getting him out. Every time I tried to break up and get him to move out, he pulled some crap where I would have to help him or his family would intervene. It was very difficult and in the end required legal steps.

I will warn you, he is probably not going to leave you alone without an order of protection. And even then it is no guarantee, but at least you have police protection. It is has been 2 1/2 years since I broke up with ex, and I am on my 3rd restraining order. When it expires, I have to go back to court because he immediately starts the harassment, etc.

Do not be ashamed or feel guilty. Be proud of yourself for getting out of the mess. It is very hard, very hard to escape an addict. You have to be patient with yourself. Do all the things you did not do while with him. Make yourself feel special.

I read your previous post - it sounds like you have a plan for Monday, the 15th - that is good. Stick to it.

If you want, send me a private message.

FeelingGreat

It's extremely unpleasant to finally, clearly, see what's happened, and a killer for your ego, but it doesn't harm us one bit to be humbled now and again, and as painful as it is, you have to get to this stage before you can break free.

My small suggestion, as part of a larger program of therapy, is for you to go online and read as much as you can about Stockholm Syndrome, and patterns of abuse. There is a world of information out there, and the more you understand how abuse works, the more you will be able to detach.

zoso77

Well, I wouldn't beat yourself up too much. It's counterproductive. When we love and care about someone, we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. All of us are more-or-less here for the same reasons you've come to us. All of us are in various stages of recovery. All of us, to one degree or another, have felt the same guilt, remorse, or shame as you do.

So, you're not alone.

One of my goals as a community greeter is to get members such as yourself to examine their choices and get honest about why they choose what they choose. When we get honest with ourselves, when we recognize what we've done what we've done, we can then learn from those misadventures and not repeat them.

Sometimes, that takes a while. I've seen a lot of members here do things that aren't in their best interests. Most of the time, that stems from not letting their brains know what they know. But you know what, VR? Sh*t happens. I'm just as guilty of not letting my brain know what it knew 3 years ago.

People learn and grow on their own clock. You will, too.

One more thing:

No (hopefully). If you want him out of your life, you:

a) change your number
b) filter your email so any email from him goes into the trash
c) block him on all social media

Getting him out of your life is completely, 100% in your control. If you're done with him, take the necessary actions to ensure it.

VirgoRising

Thank you all so much for your kindness and support. I am having such a hard time dealing with this right now, and you have no idea how much I appreciate it. Outside of my mother, I have no support system, so it's a comfort to talk to others who have been in the same situation.

My mother is sympathetic but she is also enraged. She can't understand why I've allowed this to happen to myself. I grew up with a crack addict for a father and I went through all of this growing up (somewhat different of course but very similar personalities). When I became a teenager, I went out of my way to date men that were exactly the opposite of my father - lots of straight-laced guys who were never into drugs and alcohol. I went through a series of long-term relationships like that through most of my teens and twenties, and then wham, I turn 29 and meet this one... there were red flags all over the place in the honeymoon period (not specifically about drug use but especially showing what a horrible person he is) but I ignored them because I was "so in love" in a way I had never been with anyone else before. I should have left at the first sign of realizing it could never work out, but I stayed, repeatedly, and now I am kicking myself in the rear-end so hard that I can barely get up out of bed and function. The guilt over all of this feels totally insurmountable, but I know I have to focus on getting better and getting out of this situation - there is no other choice.

I may private message some of you, as there is more to this story that I don't really want to reveal publicly - I doubt he'd find this and put two and two together, but you never know. I am hurting tremendously right now, have made a heart-breaking decision, and am experiencing intense feelings of guilt, embarrassment, and shame for allowing myself to get into this situation, especially when I knew TWO YEARS AGO how bad it was. A very, very foolish trap I fell for with this person recently will now scar me for the rest of my life.

One thing at least that is different this time is that now this very, very bad thing has happened to me, I now feel totally nauseous and literally shaky when I think about looking at any of his social media accounts... I just can't bring myself to do it. When I sent him that break-up email telling him to leave me the hell alone, he quickly responded to an email account I rarely ever use (saw the notification pop up on my phone). I immediately deleted that email without ever reading it and blocked him there. At least that seems to be a step in the right direction. All the times in the past, I could never resist reading those emails thinking maybe he was going to apologize or say that he would change (of course he never did), but this time it is completely different.

THANK YOU ALL SOOOO MUCH FOR LISTENING! It really means the world to me right now!

MLH2282

Good for you on deleting the email! That is definitely a step in the right direction! I completely understand the situation/mindset you are in. I too have been to hell and back with my XABF. While his behavior was horrific, I also chose to keep him in my life for so long. But I learned I had to forgive myself. Like Zoso said, don't spend too much of your energy beating yourself up. When you love someone, you want to see the best in them, and NO ONE believes that someone who claims to love you would do such hurtful, disrespectful, disgusting things, but they do.

My XABF crossed so many lines, I couldn't even believe it. I wouldn't treat an enemy the way he treated me, but DRUGS were/are the only thing that matters to him at the end of the day, and if I'm not helping him get high, I'm standing in his way, and he will willingly run me over to get to his drugs. It's a desperation that is not rational or logical, but they are the only ones that can control their actions. Keep your head up, and use this community as a resource in your journey. We have all been in a similar situation, and you are not alone.

VirgoRising

Thank you, MLH2282! Sorry I did not see your message sooner. I'm also sorry to hear you've gone through the same. It is so shocking and so sad, but what's more shocking is how often so many of us return or just stay in these situations time and again.

I am hurting so much right now, but each day seems a little better and better... I am starting to see some sun through the clouds. I am approaching this in much the same way that addicts in recovery do... I will be very proud of myself two weeks from now when I am "one month clean," and another month and another month... I feel like by spring things should really start to look up! I'm just scared of him coming around or trying to start drama with me in the meantime.

BlueEyes1982

Virgo, I see so much of my story in yours. You are not alone in this. While I may be new to this community, I have been dealing with the emotional fallout of a terrible relationship for years now. It tore me down so badly that I didn't know if I would ever get back up again. Let me just tell you, it gets better. Truthfully, the scars will always be there. I'm not going to lie and say that you'll forget about this and move on like it never happened. But you learn the lessons that you need to learn from your experiences. It has taken me over 2 years but I am finally starting to see why I needed to learn all of these things.

I can truthfully tell you I went over 2 years without contacting this man and it was one of the hardest things I ever did in my life. I thought about him every day, some more than others. There were days I hated him and there were days I wanted him back. Two quotes really stuck out during this time:

"Nostaligia is a dirty little that insists things were better than they seemed."

The other quote that I hold onto for dear life is:

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." - Buddha

There will be days you want him back so badly it hurts. Maybe you can feel his presence around. I have always felt that places, and objects, and even songs hold memories. Maybe this is just me. You will see and hear these things and think of him. Just stay strong. There were also days where I had so much anger I wished I could see him just so I could spew hatred at him. If you are experiencing these feelings, hopefully they will fade soon. Hold on.

You were kind enough to respond when I was so distressed after being fooled yet again by my AXBF. The funny thing is, I feel this time it's different. The situation was exactly the same, he was exactly the same, and he's still playing all the same games, but I'm different. With support from my friends, I've started to realize that we all make mistakes and we all trust people who might treat us terribly. In the end, all we can do if forgive ourselves. When the time is ready, you may even be able to forgive him. But don't feel like to you need to rush into any of that. In the mean time, I'm here for you. Please feel free to PM me. I'm always available to talk.

VirgoRising

Thank you, BlueEyes! (sorry I did not see your response until now). Thank you so much for your reassuring words.

You know what I don't get? Why do we get so hung up on people who treat us so badly? I had exes in the past who treated me a thousand times better, we wound up breaking up for normal reasons, and I don't even think about them hardly ever at all. Why is that the ones who hurt and abused us the most seem to hold the most power over us? I don't think I will ever understand this about myself.

I keep telling myself that he is dead, that he no longer exists, and that the presence I feel and the reminders are just those of a ghost. It is really painful.

I do hope that someday I can forgive him, but certainly not now. It's hard to see addiction as a disease and something that someone can't help but do - especially when you have to walk away to protect yourself from it. I just can't let this person rob me blind anymore - emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. I feel so embarrassed when I think about how much I let him hurt me.

There is a bit more to this story that has added to the pain for me but really affirmed how much I need to let go of him. I may PM you soon. Thanks again - and please feel free to PM me anytime as well! I want to not only share my story but hope I can help others here as well.

VirgoRising

Thank you, BlueEyes! (sorry I did not see your response until now). Thank you so much for your reassuring words.

You know what I don't get? Why do we get so hung up on people who treat us so badly? I had exes in the past who treated me a thousand times better, we wound up breaking up for normal reasons, and I don't even think about them hardly ever at all. Why is that the ones who hurt and abused us the most seem to hold the most power over us? I don't think I will ever understand this about myself.

I keep telling myself that he is dead, that he no longer exists, and that the presence I feel and the reminders are just those of a ghost. It is really painful.

I do hope that someday I can forgive him, but certainly not now. It's hard to see addiction as a disease and something that someone can't help but do - especially when you have to walk away to protect yourself from it. I just can't let this person rob me blind anymore - emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. I feel so embarrassed when I think about how much I let him hurt me.

There is a bit more to this story that has added to the pain for me but really affirmed how much I need to let go of him. I may PM you soon. Thanks again - and please feel free to PM me anytime as well! I want to not only share my story but hope I can help others here as well.