NJandy

She initially lived with her drug addict boyfriend who got her addicted to pills. When they couldn't afford their apartment anymore, they moved in with his mom. When that arrangement was no longer workable, he booted her out, and basically left her by the side of the road. By that point she had been a hard core addict for 2 years.

She then moved back in with her alcoholic mom and drug addict brother. She mooched off her mom, found occasional jobs that never lasted long, and engaged in a variety of petty criminal activity to support herself. Then she met me. By that point she had been an addict for 3 years I did not know she was an addict at the time.

Her work and financial history are abysmal. She has all the things you'd expect -- tons of debt, credit record demolished, almost no useful resume.

None of that had to happen, of course. She's smart, put herself entirely through college (first person in her family ever to go to college), and graduated from a very fine 4 year university. Then it all went to crap. Drugs will do that to you.

NJandy

I've been keeping a journal (one of the things my therapist told me to do). On the day you posted this, I wrote almost the exact same questions in my journal. Almost word for word the same. Freaky. Wish I knew the answer.

JOIE12

As i read through all of your posts, i can see that you have the answers in your words and questions.

this disease alters us too. Being away from your AGF may help you see things that you cannot while completely wrapped in a 'relationship'.

Denial protects us.

One day you will tire of taking care of her. You will wonder why you would not open your eyes to who she is showing you ... she really is.

Make lists. I made one that showed me what kind of a person i needed in my life and the one that i had with me. It was obvious that i had compromised everything to save ABF from heroin. The fault laid with me. He showed me who he is. It was just hard to turn off my heart.

I wish you the best but please take the blinders off. Your children deserve your attention. She has stolen them of a happy content 'you'. People we love bring good things to our lives.

AnvilheadII

I'm sorry I wasn't available to be your Enable-In-Chief back in the day. I guess it would have been rather posh. On the other hand, aren't you better off?


that's the thing, I wasn't shopping for an enabler or a patron or a sugar daddy. mom let me keep the car, but took the credit cards AND the key to the house. and then it was all up to me. good AND bad. within a week i had a job and a place to live. got evicted once years later - happens when your money goes for drugs and not rent. had to call my ex and ask him to keep the baby til I got myself straightened out. ditched the evil bf and started the slow climb back to sanity.

anywho - you might want to look into what you GET out of your role as ENABLER IN CHIEF. we always get a payoff for what we choose to do.

JOIE12

Anvil ... proud of you and your mom. Keep working at it life can be so amazing.

and your comment: you can't buy her a new life. you can't buy her recovery. and you can't pay enough to make her into someone else.

sums it all up perfectly. We have to check our co-dependency often and face who and what WE are too.

NJandy - i am a little bothered by one of your statements, that her exbf got her addicted to opiates. No one did that but her. She made that choice. I hope for you and your children - everything ends well but supporting her is not recovery. So long as you are happy and content with your decisions, and you arent hurting anyone else - you will learn on your own schedule and make changes when you are ready. Best wishes to you.

Vale

>>>>The fault laid with me.<<<<

Poetry, JOIE12.
5 words that could easily serve as executive
summary for my 3 years on SR!

ghosseir

How did you guys meet and what attracted you to her in the first place?