If recovering addicts have P.A.W.S., what do we have??
 

We talked a bit about PAWS at my NarAnon meeting the other night. (Here's the Wikipedia definition: Post-acute-withdrawal syndrome - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia )

I do not mean to sound flippant, or take for granted the fact that my daughter is 5 months sober this weekend, but I have to say, the interpersonal backlog of emotions on her part and then by interaction, with the rest of the family, is intense! It is as if she has just landed on planet earth and is seeing my husband for the first time. He has been through so much with her (we met when she was 14 and just on her way to addiction) and has tolerated SO MUCH on behalf of our relationship, been willing to grow and change and accept her, but he is threadbare when it comes to her now. And I completely understand both of them! There's no fighting, just tension. She thinking and saying things to me, and him the same. I am doing my best to stay detached and keep my relationship focused independently, letting them figure out what they will-if they do-and yet, wow. I am exhausted even in the act of detaching! It is hard work!

I just needed to vent, to ask if anyone else in my shoes has dealt with the barrage of emotional ups and downs and interpersonal sticky-ness that comes with a recovering addict...sympathy accepted as well.

Here's how I feel right now: :lala (At home, not here on SR!)

Ugh...

Yeah, I went through it with my AXGF. It was not a pleasant experience.

I hate even typing this, but I'm going to anyways: my AXGF was more pleasant when she was high. Of course, I didn't know she was high. But the difference between her high and her clean was considerable. The opiates did a bang-up job suppressing her true core. Bit by bit, little by little, the real her came out. And it was ugly.

Then again, my AXGF is Borderline. Your daughter, to my knowledge, has not been diagnosed with a character disorder (which is a blessing, believe me). So it may be that your daughter is feeling everything that was suppressed while she was using. And that cannot be easy.

So, keep your head about you. Work on you, and allow your daughter to go through the process of, well, coming alive again...

PTSD maybe?

Quite likely, Marcus. She was homeless and on the road a lot these past two years, not to mention an abusive BF a few years ago...And I have it residually from a childhood experience, so I am sure it gets triggered for me, too. What a brew!

Marcus, I am tired and just realized you were answering my question! Yes. PTSD from the trauma drama her addiction created...we definitely have that. I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind and will talk with my husband about it. He will definitely agree he's got it. Thanks.

LOL! I can't count how many times in the last 60 days I've muttered to myself, "jesus, I wish she'd just snort some heroin." Yes, being around someone who is in early recovery pretty much sucks. But the scary part, as you note, is waiting to find out what the "real" person is like.

Yep sorry I just saw the title of your thread and kind of thought Post Traumatic Stress Disorder sounds about right. I am not saying that to be flippant or to lessen what our Soldiers go through, but active addiction can feel like a constant battle. You are up against the enemy (active addiction) on a daily basis and it can take a toll. I do think people throw the PTSD word around a bit too much these days, but honestly it does fit quite well.

My love goes out to all of you trying to fight the good fight, but I also think surrendering is always an option and often the best option. Eventually it becomes a suicide mission unfortunately. Many of you did not choose it, but you can choose how you deal with it. Take care and best of luck / Godspeed to you all!!

In the heat of the battle that wasn't even mine, I was diagnosed with PTSD and went on anti-d's for about 3 months. I didn't feel the lows, nor did I feel the highs of life. Not feeling was what I needed at the time, but not a way to live, and under the doctors guidance tapered off.

I think anyone dealing with addiction develops a bit of C-PTSD especially when it surrounds your life.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) also known as developmental trauma disorder[1] or Complex Trauma is a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged social and/or interpersonal trauma in the context of either captivity or entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim), which results in the lack or loss of control, helplessness, and deformations of identity and sense of self. C-PTSD is distinct from, but similar to, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), somatization disorder, dissociative identity disorder, and borderline personality disorder.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I am not trying to be flip, but really
I had Seriously-pissed-off-after-all-the-hell-you-put-me-through syndrome for years with my addicted mother.

PTSD doesn't begin to describe how frickin angry I was--I was way past "Disorder" and well into "Postal" before entering therapy.

yep. that's what i've got! made me laugh Hawk! needed that...

" We can fix people " syndrome.

The problems begin when you realise you cannot ;)

Today when talking with my husband, who is a pun-master, he said "What we have is "Post Not-So-Cute Syndrome." :lmao

Seriously, though, today I stepped right into the ring by trying to talk with her about how I want to be out of the middle of them, that it is hard for me to have them both scowling and avoidant...and boy, did I get it from her! So much emotion, so many old feelings are there, just under the surface, going back years into her very early teens. And everything he does, every facial expression, movement (like leaving the room if she happens to be there), is all about her (but it's not) and yet, she feels what she feels. I really don't want this short time with her at home to end badly. It has been so healing for her and me and our long-shaky relationship. It is as if she is that 14 year old again--angry and divisive--and I cannot do anything to move her more to the center, the calm, the trusting. Yes, that is my issue, I know. It is hard, and yet I don't regret having her home. I just want it all tension-free. That may not be possible. I am working to accept that. I should have just stepped out of the middle. Did I need to say anything, really?

i have been thinking a lot lately about the 'trying to talk' to my as. it is futile no matter what the topic is it seems... i too often think he is so much like a 15 year old. and i'm at fault in conversations too, just so much behind every aspect of our relationship.

it is one more thing i/we have lost as we've been yakking at each other about anything and everything since he was very young. he was always wonderful company. i miss him and he is standing right in front of me.

but lately i am consciously not having conversations i would like to have, at least the important ones, as he's just not capable... and actually accepting this, because it is what it is, has made life more peaceful. awkward, but peaceful...

So true, Lovenjoy. Awkward but peaceful. I am going to go for that.

My experience is not with a daughter, but with a recovering husband (now ex).

He is 18 months clean, and I think he'll manage to stay that way. But from what I've seen, it takes a while to build a normal adult personality.

To avoid disappointment (as to how our loved one is progressing), I think we need to stay very detached (albeit with love) and have low expectations, in the sense that IT TAKES A LONG TIME.

That's just what I've observed.

Here's to patience!

This is a great thread! I keep expecting my RAS to just turn back to who he was "before addiction". NOT HAPPENING! Every time I see him, I feel my PTSD kick in and the dread and fears are boiling just below my surface. I question every thing he says/does expecting it to lead back to relapse. I think he has tons of resentments that need to be worked out (as do we) as it relates to so much damage done with his theft of all of our jewelry, break into our home, etc. It is very personal for us. I find myself just wishing for a "normal" life with him. Right now, our "normal" is hardly any contact and just detaching from the 24 year old life. He is learning about finances, paying rent and living on his own with his girlfriend. He has been practicing sobriety since May 2014. I find for us, my son is even weirder and more unpredictable in his mannerisms when he is sober. I am so happy he no longer lives with me as this P.A.W.S. and my C.P.T.S.D. is too much at one time!

well, i must say you all are making me feel a lot less crazy about what i'm dealing with and how i'm reacting! soooo all this weirdness is part and parcel of the on going saga of addiction and recovery?! good to know, truly.....

my son is up and down, in and out, whatever - not as nuts as the full blown roller coaster but certainly not the life i expected for myself at this stage of my journey. the honest sharing in this thread is helping so much - more patience with both him and myself, not alone in this experience, valuable esh - thank you one and all!

i identified my ptsd awhile ago but didn't equate it with his paws. my son has yet another shoulder surgery next month and when he scheduled it i told him he needed to get his ducks in a row about it cause my ptsd was already kicking in. he was like what?! well we've been through 3 surgeries in the past year and it has sucked! yeah guy - PTSD!!!

it's amazing how they expect us to support, sympathize and understand but boy it is a shocker when we ask for the same in return - with what their issues bring to our circumstances..... sheesh!

PTSD when you are growing up in a AF home.. and the world thinks everything is just great at your house... and then marriage to someone that does not want a life or a family and then a car accident because he thought He would harm the dumb woman and get the daughter (he died in it) and then just so much in life... Stress and PTSD.. it has so many faces of harm to the soul the mind and the heart. prayers to you all and I know a bunch of you were standing around me yesterday. to long of a day. and the little girl that was afraid came out acouple of times... you know when you have a great staff around you... they reach out and go your ok really .. and the clown tries to laugh the Marine steps up to the Big Baby suck it in..and the little girl wins with I am afraid.. and the arms hold you tight... PTSD at least we know the name of the Demon and can shout its name.. and that takes the fear away.. well some of it. hugs and prayers ardy...

Post Acute Worrying Syndrom or Post Acute Weariness Syndrom?

Carlotta kiddo you have hit another nail tight.. prayers ardy...

GardenMama, I am late coming to the love-in, but I totally agree that PTSD is something many of us deal with.

For me it was huge, even now over 10 years since my son disappeared I am very aware of any stress at all in my life and I shrink away at any raised voices or angry shouting...even when it has nothing to do with me. I can only watch "nice" shows on TV and I can't handle anyone around me being drunk or stoned even just a little. I have to get out of there N OW, when that happens.

I think I have healed a lot, I think my life today is peaceful and filled with joy...but I think I am ever on the edge of a PTSD episode anytime I let myself step outside of my "safe" zone.

Staying out of the middle and letting others sort out their relationships with each other is very hard, but it's the only safe thing to do.

Wow, just reading through this today reminds me what a war zone active addiction becomes and I really pray that your daughter can work through her feelings and find her own peace with today, with you and your husband exactly as you are, and maybe forgive herself for her past without blaming anyone else for her bad choices. That's a big prayer but God is used to me and I know He knows what i mean. :wink:

Mama to mama hugs :hug:

Please forgive mybroken hand typing. I had anxiety attacks about 10 years ago had no problems with them since i left my ex of 18 years untill lest year. I think it was the life of stress and hell of being with an addict. Ive been on paxil again for about a year. Even though he has been gone 7 weeks now i dont feel like i will get off of them living with an addict rewired all those old thoughts of anxiety i used to fight every day. and feel i must start all over again ugh. i dont have the strength to even work on thgat now.
Ann you are soo right.Its been soo peaceful around here the last 7 weeks that when someone here was having a grumpy day, i had to leave the house. I couldnt deal with it at all!
Oh geeze i thought i was a horrible person for wishing they would just go get some drugs so i could deal with them when i knew they were out! its sucks dont it? Sooo many ups and downs in the addict world

Yep...I called it a variant of PTSD. After my battle had quieted down and my daughter is in recovery, my son almost finished with a 6 month Salvation Army Program, and my husband's relapse and recovery!

I almost didn't and still struggle how to relate to my newly sober kids. The only thing, for years, was drama...some quiet periods, with high expectations of the NEXT phone call or knock on the door. The phone ringing/texting in the early morning or night was something BAD. I had a hard time looking at my phone.

My kids would be around and I would analyze their behaviors-looking for signs.

My daughter moved to go to school. My son...is fixing to graduate from his program-a bit of anxiety there for me.

I received a few beautiful gems at my RAD's rehab. One of them was stop trying to parent our adult children! If they want that, they'll ask for it: "wait for the question" from them. I figured out my daughter didn't want that at all when she'd bark at me and my maternal conversations.

One day I let her know that if she wants and needs advice, guidance, all she had to do was ask. It's been great ever since.

And yes, about PTSD. I was diagnosed with it long before my children were even born. My daughter's addiction lit a match under it and started a bonfire. Ironically, it took all that for me to learn how to manage it effectively.

That is good advice, Chino, and yet the trouble for me was when I tried to get her to respect me as an adult--someone with feelings, someone tired of being caught in the dysfunctional middle between her and my husband, someone asking her to be more considerate of him and our relationship. She is emotionally young, but an adult nonetheless. I find this middle terrain a bit like quicksand.

Responses to this thread have helped me remember the role my own PTSD plays, the changing dynamic between us as she recovers, and is, again, another big lesson in the power of healthy, loving detachment. Thanks, everyone!

GardenMama,

All I can offer is my sympathy and some hugs. .. it has to be a tough position to be in. Like a minefield..

Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone agreed to just try to think positively... not take offense at things... to remember that this is an open wound beginning to heal, and everyone can make it better, or worse, by the way they take things. over look as much as possible, give everyone a worry stone to hold in their pocket...

my best thoughts to you. It must be this way for a lot of folks.
Find something peaceful and soothing to distract yourself with...

hugs and prayers for things to smooth out soon,
chic

I think I will say this verbatim to my loved ones! Thanks a bunch, Chicory.