Whitewingeddove

I have lurked here on SR for so long before registering. Then posted just once, and resorted to lurking. My story seems so long that it seems overwhelming as to where to begin.

I guess with "now" is a place to start. I have a 23 YO son who is addicted to H (I have a hard time even using this word) amongst other drugs. He is currently in court I believe for his 4th VOP on an original charge of Assault & Robbery back from shortly after he turned 18 in 2010. All VOPs have been due to dirty UAs. He has been in rehab so many times I have lost count.

I am trying to hold it together and am trying to accept that there is nothing I can do to change things. I am trying to do what others suggest and take care of me.

This would be so much easier if I didn't have a sweet little granddaughter who is almost 2. I worry for her so much, it breaks my heart. I am consumed with fear and "future tripping" is a regular occurrence for me.

He had been staying with us until last week. The court allowed him to come live with us rather than allowing him to go home to live with his GF and child due to "concerns about her substance abuse issues". She was to get on the suboxone program and then depending how things went, and if she followed through, he could then go home.

Well, that was the plan back in Oct. Since then he has relapsed. I saw the signs before I ever saw the drug use symptoms. Behavior, thinking, etc... Long story short I have been warning him for the last 2 weeks that if he could not do what he needed to and follow the rules (come straight home after rehab and be home when we got home from work) I was not going to spend my evenings stressed out/watching the clock. I told him I was not trying to make him feel guilty, or even feel sorry for me, but that I am broken and sick from my codependency (he is very familiar with the term) and need to start taking care of myself and would not live this way any more. I told him he needed to understand that I was approaching the very end of my rope.

Well, after not coming home or calling Thanksgiving night, I packed up his things and sent him a message letting him know that while I love him with all my heart, I am broken, and cannot do this anymore. I told him to come and get his things and that if and when he decides to TRULY embrace recovery, I will be here for him, but until that time, I cannot do this anymore.

This truly sucks! I know it is for the best, but I am waiting for the crap to hit the fan. He is NOT supposed to be living at home, however that is not my responsibility. He was warned, this was not out of the blue. I told him repeatedly that I couldn't do this anymore. This should not have come as a surprise.

We (my husband and I) are both on a one year lease for their apt. Big big mistake, I know, but just one more item in a series of enabling in an effort to help them get something positive going on in their lives. Neither works and the state assistance they get doesn't even cover all of their rent, say nothing about electric & heat. Worse still is the fact that the landlord is a good friend of my husbands. Again, just waiting for the you know what to hit the fan.

This is soooooo painful.......there is so much more to the story but I guess the first step is getting the ball rolling in telling it.

Thanks for the opportunity to vent. This pain is almost unbearable. I try so hard to "stay in the present"

Currently neither my son or his GF will answer messages from me, so I am under the impression that they are giving me the silent treatment. They know the best way to hurt me is to keep me out of contact with my sweet little granddaughter, so here we go........

Lovenjoy

so, so sorry for what brings you here Whitewingeddove, i truly feel your pain and am/have been walking the same path with my son.....

finding SR saved my sanity and i am very glad you found us. i'm glad you got the ball rolling with your post and it is a huge step in the right direction. for you. there are many parents here who are in different stages of this same story of addiction and our beloved children. you are not alone, not at all. stay close, read, get comfortable with what i have come to consider my SR family.

be comforted today you may be doing your son the biggest favor of his life. the soft landing our love provides doesn't seem to help them reach for recovery. i am very close to doing what you have done....

and my son has a 5 year old who is the love of my life since her birth. i truly share your pain and am sending healing heart to heart....

welcome to the place that put me on the road to recovering myself, my peace, my sanity. i pray the same gift will be yours....

zoso77

WhiteWingedDove...

I take it you're a fan of Stevie Nicks? In any event, I'm glad you posted. Welcome.

If you've been lurking about, you're no doubt aware that we have a lot of moms who've been through what you're going through right now. I'll defer to them in terms of guidance.

Addicts do not like accountability of any kind. Day-to-day addiction is really about a lack of accountability; accountability gets in the way of pleasuring the pleasure center in the brain. And one reason why recovery is so scary is because addicts have to become accountable to themselves. So, it's really no surprise that your AS has not abided by the rules you've set.

It's disheartening to know there is a child in the mix. Again, I'll defer to our resident moms on that topic.

Take care of you. And, again, Welcome to the Board.

Whitewingeddove

Very much so! Thanks for your post!

Hope7726

An already tremendously difficult situation becomes a thousand times more difficult when there are children involved. And both parents are addicts.

Know that you're not alone here. We have all loved an addict in some way and we have all felt the pain, sadness, anger, hopelessness, and so many other emotions that go along with it. As zoso said, there are plenty of moms on this site and many with grandchildren. I'm sure they will share their experiences with you.

Are you familiar with Nar-Anon (or Al-Anon)? Or any other support group for loved ones of addicts?

Chino

Welcome and I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I hope you'll take the suggestion for a support group and or a therapist. I've done both and it helped tremendously in diminishing pain. For me, actually speaking painful words seem to release me.

Vale

Whitewingdove,

The last line of your (so well written!) piece alludes to the fact that your son and his
GF are giving you the silent treatment. I only write this because of my experience in this area.
So many times we take great offence at the hurt we feel is directed at us personally. With the
addict I cared about....it simmered greatly. "I can worry about you,wonder if you are wounded
in a ditch...for weeks on end----but the only time you let me know you aren't DEAD is when you
need money".

I can tell you with great sincerity, they are not trying to intentionally wound you AT ALL.
This disease is SO overpowering---that we and our worry is not even on their radar screen.
Recently I accidentally cut someone off on the road. The person was infuriated. But when
they pulled alongside.......I gave the the (universal) palm to the forehead "I didn't
see you, wasn't thinking...I'm sorry". All was forgiven.

I truly believe that when it gets THAT primal for them....we basically don't exist, except as
weak points for easy money or victims who will usually not press charges.

You are ALWAYS welcome to vent here---trust me when I say that is why we are here.
But, like Zoso----I will defer to our very capable phalanx of the armor-tipped SR Mom's.
I'd rather walk in on a momma grizzly's den and slap her pups in front of her than
annoy any one of them. That this 'thing' can fight on equal ground with the purest
form of love the world has ever known (Mom/child).....shows you it is a formidable foe
to be respected and feared----but not to be surrendered to.

If it were all powerful, we would ALL be addicted to it. The power of the human spirit
IS stronger, but it takes a little time and effort to recapture lost ground.

Once again:You are ALWAYS welcome here.

Whitewingeddove

A bit of sad history (and making an extremely long story short) is that I have been dealing with codependency long before my son. DH is a crack cocaine addict who went to rehab finally back in 05 after years of insisting that no one could help him unless they had been there. He completed inpatient rehab and then weeks of IOP. Had one relapse/slip in June 06 and never picked up again. I now realize how unusual that is. Our son was only 14 at the time and I will never forget how angry he was at his dad. So very angry!!! I had shielded him from it all of his life and it came as such a shock to him. I remember thinking back then that as heartbreaking as it was to go through it all with his dad, it would absolutely destroy me if I ever experienced it with my child. I never could have imagined my worst fears would be realized with the very early stages starting just a year and 1\2 later....I'm so very very tired of what addiction has done to my family!!!

Unfortunately there are no naranon meetings in my area. I live in a small state and while the need is great for sure in my area the closest meetings are over an hour away. I am looking into Alanon on but really need to just get off my @ss and do it...first step seems like climbing a mountain. I always seem to make excuses...why???

Chino

For me it was like throwing in the towel. I hated admitting defeat. I thought I could manage all the fallout, all on my own. I thought I still had some kind of influence over a hijacked brain... ha! My daughter and her addiction were never that malleable.

But strangely enough, when I took the advice I found here on this forum, to "work the program you wish she would," I began to heal from almost an entire life of unhealthy thoughts and behaviors. Next thing you, it spread and the rest of my little family began to heal too, including my now recovering IV opiate addict daughter. She turned 27 two weeks ago

irisgardens

Chino...awesome post...gives hope...although I am the only one working my program in entire family...but just keep on working to make it happen.

Soberintexas007

Sorry you are going through this situation. Unfortunately, you have no control over whether or not you see your granddaughter because they have legal custody since it is their child. It seems as if you may have to detach from your son and his wife because he is not willing to get sober from this drug that is impairing his life and his relationships. At the same time, the cost of this detachment may be you not seeing your granddaughter at this time. Life is sad and can be unfair, but appears to be your reality at the time. You are in my prayers.

FeelingGreat

WWD, no wonder you're so stressed and heart-broken. I wish it could all be fixed magically. You're just doing what you can to get through this, in survival mode. I strongly recommend some form of support, whether it be Al-anon or some other therapy. You may find you're not the only relative of an addict there, if Al-anon is the only support group around.
If you're friends with the landlord you may be able to get out of the 1 year lease, if that's what you want. Just a thought.
All the best, you can only do what you can to stay sane and detach.

chicory

Welcome,Whitewingeddove.

I am sorry that you have to be here, but it's a very good place for support and understanding. There are a lot of strong parents here, who have dealt with something such as you are dealing with. Its heartbreaking, but there is strength in recovering from codependency.

We are here for you. I am so glad you posted. You can come and share anything , anytime you wish.

I just began attending al-anon, and I am so glad I did. I don't feel so alone with my problem anymore, and I am finding comfort. This site has kept me sane for a few years now, thanks to some wonderful , caring and wise folks here.

hugs
chicory

Ann

I am glad you joined us also. As the mother of an addicted adult son who has been using for over 20 years, with some clean time in between, I can tell you that it only became bearable after I "let go and let God". I tried everything for years, thinking I was helping, but never once did my help make a difference for more than a month or two maybe. What I was doing was enabling him, giving him a soft place to land or money intended for important things (like rent) that ended up going to buy drugs.

What helps me is to say a prayer each morning and turn my son's care over to God and then live in faith for the day, that God can do for him what I cannot.

Meetings helped me find the courage to live, to take back my life and not go into that dark place with him. SR had helped me every day for the past 12 years, to remember how it was and resolve to never go back there again.

Big hugs from my heart to yours.

Whitewingeddove

We are hosting a family Xmas this afternoon and my son called my husband last night to arrange for a ride for him and his family to be here. I'm going to try and enjoy the day and the time with my precious granddaughter and NOT read more into it than there is. Deep breaths...

Whitewingeddove

Ann...this is how I sleep at night...a prayer to God to take care of him as I cannot...it generally gives me the peace I need if only momentarily in order to fall asleep. My mom has told me on many occasions that I have done all I can do for him and all we can do now is give him back to God and ask that he will watch over him...

Ann

Yes, I agree. The most important thing in all this is that he KNOWS you love him and you KNOW he loves you...the rest is just "stuff" that you each need to work through. Knowing that my son knows he is loved, even in his worst moments, helps me leave him be and allow him the dignity too find his own way.

Hugs

Whitewingeddove

Thank you Ann! I truly do love him but what a fine line...I am going to try for today not to mention anything about "stuff". While I read on here about people going " no contact" it is not an option for me at this point. With both my son and his gf being addicts...I feel I must maintain some form of peace in order to have access to my GD and to be able to see that she is OK. Not that she is my only concern, however she is my biggest at this point...

PresentTense

WhiteWingedDove - I am so glad you began posting. I think you are right in "telling your story to get the ball rolling." My experience has been that telling my story brings healing. It may be a combination of the acceptance in the telling and the sincere, experienced feedback I received from safe places like SR. I don't know....

My 26 yr. old daughter is a recovering heroin addict. She went back and forth between inpatient/outpatient rehabs and active addiction for about 5 years. I learned how to quit enabling her in her addiction so she chose to disappear into the addictive culture of another city. A couple of years ago I lost contact with her for almost a year and didn't even know if she was alive.
Then one day a stranger called me and said he was a friend and that she was very sick from shooting crystal meth because she couldn't find any heroin and was also psychotic. In truth he was her pimp and he didn't want her dying on his hands. Anyway, I told him he probably needed to get her to a rehab facility for help because unless she was ready to seek and accept help there was no way for me to help. I knew she was way beyond any ability I had to help...I could tell he didn't like that answer.

My daughter called me about 2 weeks later and asked me to come get her and help her get into a rehab facility. My husband and I picked her up the next day and she chose a long term (24 months) facility in a city about 60 miles away. She has been there 18 months now and has done a lot of good work. She has found a spirituality that seems to have helped her enomously.

We were talking recently about the short prayers people pray, like just THANK YOU and that sometimes the short ones are the most powerful. I said my prayer two Christmases ago when I wasn't sure where she was, or if she was even alive was YOU KNOW. And I took such comfort in that prayer because no matter what, God KNEW. He knew where she was, what she was doing and He alone had the power to help her. My daughter said her prayer during that time was simply HELP ME. I was so shocked because it never occurred to me that she too was praying in that dark hole of active addiction. But graciously she was...and graciously God heard her and answered her prayer.

So my point is that we really don't know what is happening with our addicted loved ones. Maybe they are praying for help and God is working in their circumstances to do just that. I will live with the possibility of her relapsing into the black hole for the rest of my life but today she is sober and I choose to bask in gratitude for that and leave the rest to God....

Thoughts and prayers with you and your family. Keep posting...