Lovenjoy - Like Anvil, I tossed aside all the life rafts that were thrown to me for quite a while.

I thought I was doing just "fine", my way was better. It wasn't until I hit another bottom and the people who loved me said "we love you, but we cannot save you" did I even THINK about recovery.

Years later, I was on the other side of the addiction fence. I was in recovery, my stepmom was getting more addicted to pills by the day.

I knew addiction inside and out, but she would not hear me. I set my boundaries and refused to enable.

It was hard, but I was not going to go down with her. My dad has only mentioned a bit about the time when I was out using, but I put that man through hello. He often didn't know if I was dead or alive.

I, the addict, NEEDED that. Yes, I whined, complained, threatened to kill myself and all that other stuff when he wouldn't bail me out. He didn't, I got to face more consequences.

There are only a few end results of addiction, and none of them are good IMO. On the other hand, recovery has infinite possibilities. Had I not been given the gift of what some would call "tough love", I doubt I would be coming up on 8 years in recovery.

Please keep reading and posting. This forum was my lifeline for so long, still is. We get it and we support you. I do recommend you get f2f support, if you don't already have it. Sometimes we just REALLY need a f2f hug from someone who understands.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Lovenjoy,
I understand completely. I struggle often with the same thoughts.
I think the only thing that has straightened my thinking is the life raft scenario that was mentioned. I picture myself on a boat, with my two other young adult children and my grandkids while my oldest son is struggling in the water. To reach out would be to topple the whole boat and all onboard.
To stay firm protects the greater masses, who are also loved ones.
This thought process has helped me tremendously

hi all. i finally have a minute - such a busy time of year. the understanding i find from all of you is extremely important to my journey. thank you.

the life raft scenario is a really good image! yes i taught him to swim and there is a life raft within reach and many life rings... and cece i really need to remember not to topple the boat!

i do have ftof support and a really fantastic therapist... and the valuable input here. and i pray. continuously. practicing surrender is my focus these days. i was directed to a wonderful, peaceful chapel and spending time there is comforting and i find myself stronger when i leave.....

right now i am working to bring magic alive for my beautiful gd's Christmas. she deserves joy and peace and love. my son is so unavailable. to her, to himself, to life... i'm working recovery hard to be more open to the joy and more detached from the darkness...

and of course that is easier when her child's laughter is in the home, which is part time. knowing how important her time with me in this home is becomes the priority. they know when your smile comes from your heart so having my heart open and willing to live in the light heals both myself and her.

my therapist advised something that is also helping me through this pocket of despair. i no longer say much to my son about what i think, and know, and feel about his addictive actions. but my therapist reminded me to let myself feel the feelings even though i am not speaking them. i think he's right. not speaking became a not allowing the feelings - and of course then they fester.

being the parent of an addict is not for the faint of heart and i walk with each of you... thanks for being one of my life rafts along the way!

I am afraid there are no winners with an addiction.