Lara

Haven't heard a word from H in 3 months - I received a phone call last week to say that he had been seen 'very much' with another woman. This is the first time I have had to 'deal' with THIS. I need to sort my own head out - the pain is unbearable. Part of me wants to never see him again - the other part wants an answer 'HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME?????'I HAVE ONLY EVER LOVED YOU H - PICKED YOU UP! HOW CAN YOU TAKE SUCH A CHANCE TO LOSE EVERYTHING I THOUGHT YOU LOVED. ME, MY FAMILY? I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

I AM HEART BROKEN AND DEVASTATED,

Mountainmanbob

sorry to hear that

in many cases they will come back crawling

best to just take care of yourself and leave him alone at least for now

MM

Carlotta

Well you already have not seen him in 3 months. Lara, if you have not heard from a man in 3 months you obviously got dumped!
You should have realized it after a week of not hearing from him. A man who loves you would not be out of contact for that long.
I am sorry that you are hurting and I probably sound rough but re read your post: you sound delusional.
He took it 3 months ago and moved on with his life. If you have not heard from a man in 3 months it means that you two are NOT together.

AnvilheadII

lara, i'm sorry. but to be honest? I doubt this is his first indiscretion. you have him so built up on this pedestal and time after time he has really tried to show you he has feet of clay. he's been showing you who he is....you have just been unwilling to SEE.

I know this is hard...it will get easier when you accept that he's really not who YOU thought he was. he is who he is. he's a coke addict and when he's using, all bets are off. cuz using is his thing.

we set ourselves for big disappointment when we GIVE and GIVE and DO and DO and EXPECT to be rewarded in exactly the way we desire. I will do these things for you and you will LOVE ME forever. it just doesn't work that way. you never had a chance kiddo.......he was willing to take.....and give when it suited him.

time to dust yourself off cuz you deserve SOOOOOO much better.

Ann

Lara, I am sorry you are so hurt right now, but maybe this pain will help you let go and begin a new path for yourself...new beginnings.

You deserve better than this, being alone and happy is better than being with someone who makes you sad.

Feel the pain, grieve the loss, and then begin living your life for you.

Hugs

Newpathway

Untangling unhealthy love relationships are unfortunately so painful. You are getting good advice that is hard to follow but you need to protect yourself....stand up for yourself and believe at your very core that you deserve better than this.

It's the bandaid scenario.....it will have to come off. Will you do it quickly or slowly?

Hope7726

Lara, I thought you were coming to terms with the relationship being over. He abandoned you. Three months ago. He is a piece of crap and you deserve better.

zoso77

Lara,

I'm really, really sorry. I wish I could say I'm surprised by this, but I'm not.

In my experience, someone in active addiction has no inhibitions and no boundaries. They will do what they want to do, consequences to others be damned.

The way I encourage you to look at this is the same way I looked at my AXGF when she left me for another addict. I recognized her behavior was not about me and all about her. And I realized that there was no remedy for her actions. I was done. Done with her, done with her bullsh*t, just f*cking done.

When someone shows you what their true character is, we can do one of two things. We can either deny what we're seeing and try to reason with them. Or we can say thank you very much, and move on. I did the latter. I hope you do, too. Let the new woman deal with his act.

Lara

Thank you everyone for your replies. Zozo - it is still so hard. I suppose I always made excuses for his behaviour as in 'this is a relapse' .. That is why he removes himself from my life - he hides from me to hide his behaviour. 10 years is a long time. I think it is slowly starting to hit me - that H is not coming back. Yes, he will come back - but H is not the person I knew 20 years ago... or the person I fell in love with 10 years ago.... every time he relapses - the pain is greater - and the deeds are dirtier. Zozo - you would not believe - but I am an intelligent person - who has such a blessed life - but this is so so hard. I feel such pain...

zoso77

I felt pain, too. Not because it was over. The scope and magnitude of her betrayal was unlike anything I'd ever experienced. And her sadism.

But it didn't last too long. Maybe a month.

You'll heal at your own pace. And you'll grieve as long as is necessary. So long as you keep pushing forward, in time, you'll be OK. Trust me on this, Lara.

mejo

I am so sorry Lara, but as Mountain Man said, addicts are not that easy to get away from. I am thinking of you!

jjj111

Lara, I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I'm sure it was very hard to hear that he is seeing someone else. I think that when we stay in an unhappy relationship for long enough, we can become used to the cycles of arguing/separation and reunion. It becomes our new normal. So maybe this is what is going on when you say that you had learned to think of your periods of separation as "a relapse." It sounds like it's time to accept that his disappearing act is a part of who he is. It's not a temporary interruption to an otherwise loving relationship, and he doesn't disappear because he's trying to protect you from his addiction. He disappears because he is a selfish guy who knows that he can go have his fun and get away with it and then come back to you later, and all will be forgiven. He may very well reappear eventually. I hope that if that does happen, you will try to remember how you feel now and not forgive him again.

hopeful4

(((Lara)))

I think what everyone has said is true. I just want you to know I am sorry you are hurting and sending you warm hugs!

rhody21

I am praying for you! I have been going through the same thing for almost 2 years now. It will take a full year for you to get over him. What helped me was exercise and talking to friends.