I'm turning into a complete mess again.... when does this stop?
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
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I'm turning into a complete mess again.... when does this stop?
I'm taking a different position at work and it's allowing me to make some changes to my benefits. The attorney my stepsister works for recommended that I at least add my AH to my health insurance in case he's hospitalized again before our divorce is done which could be a possibility since he's walking around in congestive heart failure somehow. My job needs his employer to sign a form so I went up there. He apparently doesn't work there anymore and they haven't heard from him. I called his phone. I went to his mom's and no one would come to the door and I know she was home but his car was missing. Maybe he moved after all. I don't know but ever since Thanksgiving evening I'm a mess. I don't know why. Every logical thing I know doesn't seem to matter right now. I really really miss who my husband was when he was well in every way. But today when I called his phone and it was disconnected, I felt like my last lifeline to my husband is gone. I dry heaved. I felt like I got punched in the stomach. I feel abandoned and just so deeply sad that I can't stop it. It's just so overwhelming. Apparently I was just so relieved that I made a decision and followed through that I didn't grieve or something because now I'm simply missing my husband really really bad. I'm back to feeling weak and hurt again. It's like he died only worse. He's alive and out there somewhere and determined to just forget us. How do you just walk away from your life? I can't stop asking myself how could he run away and leave us like this. No closure, just nothing. I have so many questions that will never be answered. I don't know if he's running from the divorce or just hates me or what is going on but he's making this so much harder on all of us. How could things be so bad that you walk away without looking back and not contact your family? I have a message on my phone from the week before his hospitalization telling me he loves me. That was only one short month ago. How do things change so much in such a short amount of time?
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Hi waiting. I can relate to so much of what you said.
Addiction makes no sense. It's not supposed to. Please believe your husband is possessed by his addiction right now. All of his actions and decisions are made by this illness that has taken over his mind, body, and spirit. He doesn't hate you.
Your emotions are going to change everyday right now. Sometimes every hour. That's expected for what you're going through. You are living a nightmare. It's completely surreal, totally crazy, sad, and makes no damn sense. But none of it is your fault.
I'm so sorry. Prayers for you. You're not alone.
Addiction makes no sense. It's not supposed to. Please believe your husband is possessed by his addiction right now. All of his actions and decisions are made by this illness that has taken over his mind, body, and spirit. He doesn't hate you.
Your emotions are going to change everyday right now. Sometimes every hour. That's expected for what you're going through. You are living a nightmare. It's completely surreal, totally crazy, sad, and makes no damn sense. But none of it is your fault.
I'm so sorry. Prayers for you. You're not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 215
My situation was not a marriage and definitely did not have the longevity behind it of yours,but Thanksgiving was so hard for me too for some reason. I have been a mess every since and I also was really start to get things back together for myself again. I made the mistake of texting my ex-now recovering addict to which of course there was no reply- this of course made me more of a mess. I'm just so so tired of being an emotional wreck and sad all the time
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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My emotions are changing so quickly throughout the day I can barely keep up. I'm just exhausted. I shift from one moment to being a completely broken down mess to being so angry I wish the worst on him. One moment I'm crying over the person I remember who was clean and the next he's a spineless, irresponsible coward in my mind. Finding his phone is disconnected I think put me over the edge yesterday. Knowing he is purposely disappeared leaving me with our bills, two kids, a sick dog, just everything and just completely rejecting us like we are disposable feels like Hell. I'm angry that I felt forced to make a decision about my marriage and having to be in that situation to missing my husband terribly and confused why he let this happen to us. I love him and I'm scared and I hate him and quite honestly have wished some pretty horrible things would happen to him. It's been 24 days today since I've had direct contact with him. I don't even know how long his phone has been disconnected. I'm just now starting to really feel the full effects of all this? Did I just put it off so long that my head is telling me I have to just deal with it and is trying to suddenly get it all out?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There are emotions attached to all this and yes, sadly, you have to walk through the fire to come out the other side.
What helps me with my missing son is to say a prayer each morning and ask God to do for him what I cannot.
I hope you find peace soon.
Hugs
What helps me with my missing son is to say a prayer each morning and ask God to do for him what I cannot.
I hope you find peace soon.
Hugs
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
It's the feeling of abandonment that's the worst I think. Is he out there somewhere thinking about us? Does he miss us? Is he angry that I filed for divorce? Is he grieving like we are? Why is he running away from this? I thought he wanted a divorce so why make it this much harder? Why not cooperate? Is he hurting too? Why can't he face us? Is he doing this to hurt me and get back at me? It seems like logically I should know the answers to these questions. I realize now that throughout my marriage my husband dealt with issues by avoiding them, not talking about them and pretending things were okay, even before he was an addict. His dad abandoned him when he was a baby and if anyone understood the pain for someone just disappearing, it should be him. He never could talk about his dad. It affected him his whole life and now he is doing the same thing his father did to him to us. How could he knowing the trauma it causes? This just feels so incredibly lonely.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
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It's the feeling of abandonment that's the worst I think. Is he out there somewhere thinking about us? Does he miss us? Is he angry that I filed for divorce? Is he grieving like we are? Why is he running away from this? I thought he wanted a divorce so why make it this much harder? Why not cooperate? Is he hurting too? Why can't he face us? Is he doing this to hurt me and get back at me? It seems like logically I should know the answers to these questions. I realize now that throughout my marriage my husband dealt with issues by avoiding them, not talking about them and pretending things were okay, even before he was an addict. His dad abandoned him when he was a baby and if anyone understood the pain for someone just disappearing, it should be him. He never could talk about his dad. It affected him his whole life and now he is doing the same thing his father did to him to us. How could he knowing the trauma it causes? This just feels so incredibly lonely.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I'm so sorry you're hurting, W4H. Didn't you mention at some point that you went through something similar with your Dad, that he had substance abuse issues and you lost him? This thing with your husband must be bringing up a lot of that old pain! I too am the child of alcohlics--both my parents, in my case--and after I broke up with my AXBF, I had kind of a light bulb moment that I had learned very early to care for unstable people. I think what I went through with my parents also gave me a warped sense of what was acceptable behavior and allowed me to ignore a lot of red flags. I've heard it said that we sometimes seek out traumatic situations similar to ones we experienced in childhood, hoping that somehow we can change the ending this time. Unfortunately, that doesn't usually seem to happen, and the only way out of that loop I've found is to try to realize my patterns and hope to choose someone more healthy the next time I get involved in a romantic relationship.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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I'm turning into a complete mess again.... when does this stop?
I know. That's not the answer you want to hear. But the truth is you're always going to carry him. And I think that's healthy because he's your husband.
What will happen, though, is it will become easier to carry him over time.
As much as I may dislike it, my AXGF is a part of me. She's always going to rattle around my brain from time to time. However, the way she rattles around my brain is different than the way your AH rattles around your brain. And that's because I decided nearly 3 years ago that my AXGF was no longer going to be an emotional parasite. No more games, no more BS, no more nonsense. I was done.
You, in time, will do something similar. You will, in time, reconcile the feelings you continue to have for him with the understanding that he can't be in your life because it's too painful. And then it becomes easier as time goes on.
You really need to give yourself a break because you're at the very beginning of the process. Of course your emotions are going to run high. Of course you're going to have a hard time with it. That's just how it is. So cut a deal with yourself; accept that this is how you feel at this moment. And then ride it out as best you can.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
The only thing that helped me was to limit the amount of time each day that I spent to think about it.
15-30 minutes. Cry...kick....scream....whatever and then it's done until tomorrow.
When you start to think about it again.....you just say "nope....done until tomorrow"
Kind of like Scarlett Ohara in Gone with the Wind. "I don't have time to think about it today, I'll think about it tomorrow".
With 2 kids, a job, a house...etc. you need to keep on keepin' on.
It really helps. Try it.
15-30 minutes. Cry...kick....scream....whatever and then it's done until tomorrow.
When you start to think about it again.....you just say "nope....done until tomorrow"
Kind of like Scarlett Ohara in Gone with the Wind. "I don't have time to think about it today, I'll think about it tomorrow".
With 2 kids, a job, a house...etc. you need to keep on keepin' on.
It really helps. Try it.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 56
Hi, I'm sorry this is so hard. It takes time, and you have to keep moving through it. My husband and I have been separated since April, and I'm doing ok, but in some ways still really struggling. Drug and alcohol abuse are so hard to deal with. My middle son and I were talking the other day about how sometimes it feels like the person you loved died, but you still have this body walking around that looks and sounds like them, but as my son put it, is a total jerk! Then, on occasion, the person you love shows up again, and that actually makes it worse somehow because you miss them all over again. Then there's having to deal with the fact that someone you love, and says they love you, could lie to you, over and over. It hurts your soul, and makes you feel crazy.
I know the no contact is hard on you with no resolution you can see, but in some ways it's probably best. It sounds like he's in a really bad place right now, and you and your kids are safer not having to deal with it. Also, trust me, even if you were still talking to him, it doesn't make it make any more sense. They don't know why they're doing these things, and they are so self consumed and obsessed with the substance that they're using, that they can give you nothing to help you understand.
You're going to go through a million emotions right now and be really up and down. It's normal, but between you and me, it really sucks, it's not fair, and you have every right to be mad, sad, and want to fall apart. You won't though, and neither will I, because we're the moms, and we know our kids need us. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk. Try to focus on yourself and your kids as much as you can, and let his safety go to your HP.
Someone once told me that it's okay to still love them, and that helped somehow. You almost feel guilty sometimes for still having feelings for someone who hurt you and your children so badly, but you knew the person they were. You have that history, and those times to remember when things where good, so you're going to grieve. It's okay. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. You'll get through this. Take care, and I'm sending you virtual hugs.
I know the no contact is hard on you with no resolution you can see, but in some ways it's probably best. It sounds like he's in a really bad place right now, and you and your kids are safer not having to deal with it. Also, trust me, even if you were still talking to him, it doesn't make it make any more sense. They don't know why they're doing these things, and they are so self consumed and obsessed with the substance that they're using, that they can give you nothing to help you understand.
You're going to go through a million emotions right now and be really up and down. It's normal, but between you and me, it really sucks, it's not fair, and you have every right to be mad, sad, and want to fall apart. You won't though, and neither will I, because we're the moms, and we know our kids need us. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk. Try to focus on yourself and your kids as much as you can, and let his safety go to your HP.
Someone once told me that it's okay to still love them, and that helped somehow. You almost feel guilty sometimes for still having feelings for someone who hurt you and your children so badly, but you knew the person they were. You have that history, and those times to remember when things where good, so you're going to grieve. It's okay. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. You'll get through this. Take care, and I'm sending you virtual hugs.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It's not going to make sense, lovely.
That's what I tried to do, too. Make sense of it.
It never will make sense.
You're doing the right thing. Keep moving forward. You're very self-aware and all the feelings you are having will subside in time. Time.
That's what I tried to do, too. Make sense of it.
It never will make sense.
You're doing the right thing. Keep moving forward. You're very self-aware and all the feelings you are having will subside in time. Time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Originally Posted by Calmwater 
sometimes it feels like the person you loved died, but you still have this body walking around that looks and sounds like them, but as my son put it, is a total jerk! Then, on occasion, the person you love shows up again, and that actually makes it worse somehow because you miss them all over again. Then there's having to deal with the fact that someone you love, and says they love you, could lie to you, over and over. It hurts your soul, and makes you feel crazy.
They don't know why they're doing these things, and they are so self consumed and obsessed with the substance that they're using, that they can give you nothing to help you understand
They don't know why they're doing these things, and they are so self consumed and obsessed with the substance that they're using, that they can give you nothing to help you understand
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
How do things change so much in such a short amount of time?
you two have been separated for a YEAR now....and he's been an active addict for a long time. the recent chaotic chain of events are simply an extension, a progression.
WHY would someone bail and disappear?? think about it...you've been making a complete mess of your life for years. you have destroyed your health, your finances, your marriage. everywhere you look you see nothing but wreckage, mangled and smoldering like a bomb blast.
so you have a choice.....MAN UP, face the music and start the steep hard climb to recovery and then start the process of FIXING the destruction.....OR.......run. hide. quit.
it isn't personal, it isn't you.......it is his absolutely inability and unwillingness to do anything else.
you two have been separated for a YEAR now....and he's been an active addict for a long time. the recent chaotic chain of events are simply an extension, a progression.
WHY would someone bail and disappear?? think about it...you've been making a complete mess of your life for years. you have destroyed your health, your finances, your marriage. everywhere you look you see nothing but wreckage, mangled and smoldering like a bomb blast.
so you have a choice.....MAN UP, face the music and start the steep hard climb to recovery and then start the process of FIXING the destruction.....OR.......run. hide. quit.
it isn't personal, it isn't you.......it is his absolutely inability and unwillingness to do anything else.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
Thank you everyone. I really was a mess. This was my first weekend off in months and my kids were at my mom's so I was home alone for more than a few hours. I think I was holding stuff in so long, the dam just bursted. I didn't have to worry about how to hide from my kids so it just all came out full force. It's easier to cope when the girls are home and I have two other people to focus on besides myself. However there's more news now. Will update when I get home from work.
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