Caught my sons smoking weed. Not sure what to do.
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Caught my sons smoking weed. Not sure what to do.
Last night I caught my 2 sons, a freshman and a sophomore in college, after they had smoked a joint outside. Having a conversation with two high kids was quite interesting. They told me they do this about 2x/week to relax. They also think this is better than drinking alcohol and it's harmless. They claim most kids at college smoke it and that it's not addicting. My oldest, who is normally very tough, started crying and told me he's been depressed and doesn't know why. He said he also has insomnia (probably due to the depression). My younger son said he thinks he's a bit depressed after going through a tough break-up.
I shared with them that I have battled depression and anxiety and currently manage it through medication, and I have a brother who is bipolar. I know depression has a hereditary component, so I know it could be hitting them. I also told them I smoked pot and drank a lot of alcohol when I was in college and reached a point where I felt addicted. Luckily, I pulled myself out of college and got clean, then went back and finished my degree. I tried to tell them that pot can be addicting and can be a gateway drug, but they claim they've "done their research" and what they do is harmless.
I told them they need to go to the health center at college and talk to a doctor about the depression. They promised they would, but I bet they won't. They go back to school tomorrow, and I'm not sure how to proceed with them. My oldest made $4,000 over the summer and is now broke. I am going to give him gift cards for the grocery store and for gas, because I want him to eat. He already looks too skinny and said he doesn't have much of an appetite.
Any thoughts or suggestions? Thanks!
I shared with them that I have battled depression and anxiety and currently manage it through medication, and I have a brother who is bipolar. I know depression has a hereditary component, so I know it could be hitting them. I also told them I smoked pot and drank a lot of alcohol when I was in college and reached a point where I felt addicted. Luckily, I pulled myself out of college and got clean, then went back and finished my degree. I tried to tell them that pot can be addicting and can be a gateway drug, but they claim they've "done their research" and what they do is harmless.
I told them they need to go to the health center at college and talk to a doctor about the depression. They promised they would, but I bet they won't. They go back to school tomorrow, and I'm not sure how to proceed with them. My oldest made $4,000 over the summer and is now broke. I am going to give him gift cards for the grocery store and for gas, because I want him to eat. He already looks too skinny and said he doesn't have much of an appetite.
Any thoughts or suggestions? Thanks!
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Welcome to SR FaithHopeLove4k,
I am sorry that you have this worry. Pot is addictive, no doubt about that. Their problems will only be worsened by dependency on marijuana. I hope they listen to you about getting help for depression. It sounds like you are able to talk honestly with them, and thats a good start.
Glad you posted. Others will be along to share their es&h with you soon.
my best to you,
chicory
I am sorry that you have this worry. Pot is addictive, no doubt about that. Their problems will only be worsened by dependency on marijuana. I hope they listen to you about getting help for depression. It sounds like you are able to talk honestly with them, and thats a good start.
Glad you posted. Others will be along to share their es&h with you soon.
my best to you,
chicory
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I'm sure you trust your sons, but I'd take their statements about only smoking 2x a week with a grain of salt. Even more so with your oldest with all that money disappearing. If he was only smoking twice a week, he probably would be going through a financially negligible amount of weed. Spending that much money without anything to show for it sticks out as a red flag to me. How would I know? I'm a junior in college who had a serious weed addiction. You can spend that kind of money partying and smoking regularly pretty easily. Weed isn't cheap. If my parents were to have caught me while I was still smoking, I probably would have told them about how harmless weed is and how I was only smoking a couple times a week, when in reality I was smoking 3-5 times a day. Not saying your sons are smoking this much, but I wouldn't rule a daily habit out as many engage in it that often.
In terms of depression, I don't have much experience other than that my weed addiction started making me pretty depressed deep down, anxious too. Many think that weed cures depression, but it can actually exacerbate it from my experience. Hopefully he isn't trying to self-medicate it with weed, because weed could actually be its cause and/or making existing depression worse. I'm not sure what to say about your son's lack of appetite. I was never exactly skinny, but did spend money on weed that was supposed to be for food. Not saying he is, just sharing what I did.
In terms of what to do for them, unfortunately I'm not sure there's much you can. There's a strong prevailing belief in our society, especially in college culture, that weed's harmless. My parents would have been unable to convince me to stop, and any info they would have tried to tell me about weed would have gone in one ear and out the other. My parents are also pretty naive when it comes to weed, unlike you seem to be. Sharing some of your negative experiences with it to them may help, but idk. Pot may be a gateway drug for some, but for me with all the other drugs I've done (pills, coke, hallucinogens, xtc), it was the only one that actually had a grip on me. It can be bad enough by itself. I also think the gateway drug argument just sounds cliche. Even though it may be somewhat true, it may make you seem like you have less credibility if you rehearse it to your sons. This was my reaction to when my dad tried to tell me about its gateway capabilities. I'd definitely emphasize the addicting part if it comes up again. They probably already kinda know this though. Doesn't mean they're going to change though, that part's ENTIRELY up to them. In general though, they're both probably past the point of their actions changing as a result of mom/dad having the drug talk with them.
I'd just say overall, don't enable them and be sure to take care of yourself. Hopefully they'll figure it out eventually.
In terms of depression, I don't have much experience other than that my weed addiction started making me pretty depressed deep down, anxious too. Many think that weed cures depression, but it can actually exacerbate it from my experience. Hopefully he isn't trying to self-medicate it with weed, because weed could actually be its cause and/or making existing depression worse. I'm not sure what to say about your son's lack of appetite. I was never exactly skinny, but did spend money on weed that was supposed to be for food. Not saying he is, just sharing what I did.
In terms of what to do for them, unfortunately I'm not sure there's much you can. There's a strong prevailing belief in our society, especially in college culture, that weed's harmless. My parents would have been unable to convince me to stop, and any info they would have tried to tell me about weed would have gone in one ear and out the other. My parents are also pretty naive when it comes to weed, unlike you seem to be. Sharing some of your negative experiences with it to them may help, but idk. Pot may be a gateway drug for some, but for me with all the other drugs I've done (pills, coke, hallucinogens, xtc), it was the only one that actually had a grip on me. It can be bad enough by itself. I also think the gateway drug argument just sounds cliche. Even though it may be somewhat true, it may make you seem like you have less credibility if you rehearse it to your sons. This was my reaction to when my dad tried to tell me about its gateway capabilities. I'd definitely emphasize the addicting part if it comes up again. They probably already kinda know this though. Doesn't mean they're going to change though, that part's ENTIRELY up to them. In general though, they're both probably past the point of their actions changing as a result of mom/dad having the drug talk with them.
I'd just say overall, don't enable them and be sure to take care of yourself. Hopefully they'll figure it out eventually.
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Originally Posted by racingthoughts 
There's a strong prevailing belief in our society, especially in college culture, that weed's harmless. My parents would have been unable to convince me to stop, and any info they would have tried to tell me about weed would have gone in one ear and out the other.
racingthoughts what would you suggest parents say to young adults to get them to see the dangers of pot?
qwer
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My DS was really skinny 132 lbs and 5'10, wasn't much of an appetite also. He was drinking and drugs. He was 22. Now 6 months (went to rehab in feb) he is clean and sober and now weighs almost 170 lbs, grew and feet grew. Has outgrown all his clothes. Looks very healthy. Eats enourmous amount of food. Some people don't recognize him how much has changed. I would not believe only smoking pot. If you can drug test them if they are only smoking pot they shouldn't be defensive about taking it. Keep reading and get yourself educated on addiction it is the best thing I did. You cannot be overeducated on it. Also get some help for yourself for guidance on how to handle this with them.
I know even though they are "adults" they are your sons and you have all rights to question them. A moms love goes beyond anything.
I know even though they are "adults" they are your sons and you have all rights to question them. A moms love goes beyond anything.
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[QUOTE=qwer1234;5044765]I've found this to be true also in talking with my sons....there's a younger generation that believes pit is not addictive and o.k. to use since it's legal in two states.
qwer[/QUOTE
You are exactly right. I tried last night to have a talk with my oldest son and he thinks I'm crazy to be worried about the pot usage. He is convinced that legalization is coming to our state. He tells me to "do some research" and educate myself. He gets very agitated and angry with me. My husband and I are going to have one more talk today before the boys go back to school...I'm sure that will go well (insert sarcasm).
qwer[/QUOTE
You are exactly right. I tried last night to have a talk with my oldest son and he thinks I'm crazy to be worried about the pot usage. He is convinced that legalization is coming to our state. He tells me to "do some research" and educate myself. He gets very agitated and angry with me. My husband and I are going to have one more talk today before the boys go back to school...I'm sure that will go well (insert sarcasm).
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I would not believe anything they are saying by the statements and anger and defensiveness toward you and your husband. Get educated about enableing them. If I continued to enable our son would not be where he is. I disabled his truck (I knew he was in a bad way cause this kid could fix anything. And he couldn't figure out all I did was take cables off spark plugs why it wouldn't start). Do what you have to do, and they won't like a lot of it!!!!
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I truly believe that weed just intensifies anxiety and depression. It's a temporary feel good fix which just screws up the psyche. I wish more people knew this. There is a lot if research related to this issue. That's probably why so many kids smoke it in college. They are all stressed. If they only knew that it just makes things worse. I suffer from anxiety and depression also. It's something that never goes away. Working out, getting rest, surrounding yourself with positive influences, and eliminating the negative people as much as possible in your life has made a HUGE difference. (HUGS)
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Both of your sons seem to have made up their minds about marijuana. Sadly, what their peers and society/the media tells them about weed will probably have more of an influence than anything you have to say. I'd get so defensive whenever my parents brought it up, that they pretty much ended up refusing to argue with me about it. I'm really not sure there is much you can say. I didn't start seeing the dark side of marijuana until it started actually impacting me. I was also a full-blown weed addict. Even when I knew I was addicted and going through withdrawals when I wasn't smoking, I still justified it and told myself that it was a harmless addiction because I was still getting decent grades and whatnot. The denial was huge.
It must be hard trying to educate your kids when they think you're the one that needs to be educated. The thing is, they aren't children anymore. You cannot force sobriety upon them, especially if they are away at school. I'd let them know that you care about them, and are willing to offer support if they ever feel they need help with it. Tell your oldest to have an open mind about weed being a possible catalyst for the depression he's feeling. If weed is so harmless and non-addictive, then he shouldn't have a problem stopping for a bit to find out for sure right?
You will not be able to change their minds, that all has to come within. Both probably see you guys as living in the dark ages a bit (oldest telling you to do some research), even though you really aren't. Don't enable them, and let them stumble on their own, it's the only way. Set clear ground rules about it not being allowed in your house. If they are messing around with other stuff, they will deny it.
It must be hard, but I wouldn't advise letting yourself become a worried mess over it. Don't let your happiness depend on their situations. Like I said, they aren't children and will have to start experiencing some of the uglier realities of life on their own. This is where their opinions and actions will change, not from talks from you. This is also why you should be sure not to enable them. If you give your oldest grocery store gift cards, it'd be better to give him a few smaller ones to multiple stores than one big one. Why? If he truly has a problem, he might just sell a $50 or $100 gift card on craigslist for weed money. I used to do this sort of thing. BE SURE NOT TO ENABLE. Someone with a drug habit will make you enable without you even realizing it.
I hope they come around. Your a good parent and have a right to be concerned. Unfortunately, they have to come around on their own.
It must be hard trying to educate your kids when they think you're the one that needs to be educated. The thing is, they aren't children anymore. You cannot force sobriety upon them, especially if they are away at school. I'd let them know that you care about them, and are willing to offer support if they ever feel they need help with it. Tell your oldest to have an open mind about weed being a possible catalyst for the depression he's feeling. If weed is so harmless and non-addictive, then he shouldn't have a problem stopping for a bit to find out for sure right?
You will not be able to change their minds, that all has to come within. Both probably see you guys as living in the dark ages a bit (oldest telling you to do some research), even though you really aren't. Don't enable them, and let them stumble on their own, it's the only way. Set clear ground rules about it not being allowed in your house. If they are messing around with other stuff, they will deny it.
It must be hard, but I wouldn't advise letting yourself become a worried mess over it. Don't let your happiness depend on their situations. Like I said, they aren't children and will have to start experiencing some of the uglier realities of life on their own. This is where their opinions and actions will change, not from talks from you. This is also why you should be sure not to enable them. If you give your oldest grocery store gift cards, it'd be better to give him a few smaller ones to multiple stores than one big one. Why? If he truly has a problem, he might just sell a $50 or $100 gift card on craigslist for weed money. I used to do this sort of thing. BE SURE NOT TO ENABLE. Someone with a drug habit will make you enable without you even realizing it.
I hope they come around. Your a good parent and have a right to be concerned. Unfortunately, they have to come around on their own.
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I echo the others in that there's not much you can do except don't enable.
A couple of thoughts.... I read a great book that explains why weed is just as addictive as alcohol and even religion. Cutting to the chase, anything that stimulates the reward center of the brain can become addictive if a person has an addictive personality.
The book is "The Compass of Pleasure: How Our Brains Make Fatty Foods, Orgasm, Exercise, Marijuana, Generosity, Vodka, Learning, and Gambling Feel So Good" by David J. Linden, brain scientist and professor of neuroscience at Johns Hopkins University. Google the book, him, and you'll find quite a lot of info on the web.
The other thought I had is that weed is a huge no-no for bipolar. It immediately stimulates/floods dopamine and that's something bipolar folks don't need at all.
A couple of thoughts.... I read a great book that explains why weed is just as addictive as alcohol and even religion. Cutting to the chase, anything that stimulates the reward center of the brain can become addictive if a person has an addictive personality.
The book is "The Compass of Pleasure: How Our Brains Make Fatty Foods, Orgasm, Exercise, Marijuana, Generosity, Vodka, Learning, and Gambling Feel So Good" by David J. Linden, brain scientist and professor of neuroscience at Johns Hopkins University. Google the book, him, and you'll find quite a lot of info on the web.
The other thought I had is that weed is a huge no-no for bipolar. It immediately stimulates/floods dopamine and that's something bipolar folks don't need at all.
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Thank you all for your help. It really means a lot to me as this is unexpected territory I find myself in. Both boys were athletes in high school and I didn't think I would see the day that they would do this to their bodies.
They left today to go back to school and it was hard. A lot of tears on my part. I tried to talk to them again, but they are convinced that weed will soon be legal in our state and that it is sooooo much safer than alcohol. I think my younger one looked concerned when I pointed out the legal penalties for getting caught with weed, not to mention what their grandparents, our friends, and their high school coaches would think if they saw his name in the newspaper for possession. I'm probably wasting my breath, but have to say what's on my mind and know that I did my best to "inform" them of the consequences.
My older son did tell me that he will go to the university health center to talk to someone about the depression. My younger son doesn't seem as bad depression-wise, but I suggested he talk to someone, too.
I think the part where I need to avoid enabling them will be the hardest for me. With Christmas coming, I want to get them some gifts, of course. So far it's only clothes.
Racingthoughts, I feel like you have a unique perspective, as you are the same age as my oldest. May I ask what made you decide to quit and how you were able to quit? If that's not something you'd like to answer, I understand.
They left today to go back to school and it was hard. A lot of tears on my part. I tried to talk to them again, but they are convinced that weed will soon be legal in our state and that it is sooooo much safer than alcohol. I think my younger one looked concerned when I pointed out the legal penalties for getting caught with weed, not to mention what their grandparents, our friends, and their high school coaches would think if they saw his name in the newspaper for possession. I'm probably wasting my breath, but have to say what's on my mind and know that I did my best to "inform" them of the consequences.
My older son did tell me that he will go to the university health center to talk to someone about the depression. My younger son doesn't seem as bad depression-wise, but I suggested he talk to someone, too.
I think the part where I need to avoid enabling them will be the hardest for me. With Christmas coming, I want to get them some gifts, of course. So far it's only clothes.
Racingthoughts, I feel like you have a unique perspective, as you are the same age as my oldest. May I ask what made you decide to quit and how you were able to quit? If that's not something you'd like to answer, I understand.
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I'd be happy to answer. 
A couple things caused me to quit, both internal and external (mainly internal).
Internally, it got to the point where weed hadn't been fun for a long time. Every time I'd smoke, I'd tell myself how much of an addict I was and that I needed to quit. Then I'd sober up, quitting would seem scary, and go right back to the weed. I was tired of the cycle. I had been high more or less since I was 15 and had no idea who I was as a clear-headed adult, I wanted to know. I made the connection that it was making my anxiety and depression worse. I realized this a couple months before I actually stopped, but again, was too scared to quit sooner. I then realized that I'd never truly be happy when I knew deep down that I was dependent on a mind-altering substance. All of these came from within. The internal reasons are the reasons I'm still going strong. Without them, I surely would have caved long ago.
Externally, I was tired of trying to find money for weed and staring at my phone, waiting for drug dealers to text me back. These reasons didn't cause me to quit, but helped me realize how insane my addiction had become. I justified them for a long time.
This site helped me quit tremendously, something that was much harder than expected. Other than that, it was just faith and putting my head down. If your sons don't have the internal reasons to quit they won't. If they still think weed is fun and harmless, they won't.
You can't control this part, they have to realize it on their own.
I wouldn't consider getting them Christmas presents as enabling, just make sure it isn't anything that they could easily sell for quick cash. Hopefully your oldest will be honest with the health center people about his weed usage. They may help him make the connection.
A couple things caused me to quit, both internal and external (mainly internal).
Internally, it got to the point where weed hadn't been fun for a long time. Every time I'd smoke, I'd tell myself how much of an addict I was and that I needed to quit. Then I'd sober up, quitting would seem scary, and go right back to the weed. I was tired of the cycle. I had been high more or less since I was 15 and had no idea who I was as a clear-headed adult, I wanted to know. I made the connection that it was making my anxiety and depression worse. I realized this a couple months before I actually stopped, but again, was too scared to quit sooner. I then realized that I'd never truly be happy when I knew deep down that I was dependent on a mind-altering substance. All of these came from within. The internal reasons are the reasons I'm still going strong. Without them, I surely would have caved long ago.
Externally, I was tired of trying to find money for weed and staring at my phone, waiting for drug dealers to text me back. These reasons didn't cause me to quit, but helped me realize how insane my addiction had become. I justified them for a long time.
This site helped me quit tremendously, something that was much harder than expected. Other than that, it was just faith and putting my head down. If your sons don't have the internal reasons to quit they won't. If they still think weed is fun and harmless, they won't.
You can't control this part, they have to realize it on their own.
I wouldn't consider getting them Christmas presents as enabling, just make sure it isn't anything that they could easily sell for quick cash. Hopefully your oldest will be honest with the health center people about his weed usage. They may help him make the connection.
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I might add as an external reason, I kind of wanted to grow up. A handful of my friends quit and were buckling down, something that I think kind of happens about halfway through college. Hopefully with time, something similar will happen to your two sons.
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Racingthoughts, thanks so much for sharing! I'm so happy for you that you were able to kick your addiction and focus getting better! It sounds like you are on track for a bright future.
Daisy, so happy for you and your son, too. I'm sure it felt good to see your son healthy again!
Thanks again to all you have responded. Your suggestions are greatly appreciated!
Daisy, so happy for you and your son, too. I'm sure it felt good to see your son healthy again!
Thanks again to all you have responded. Your suggestions are greatly appreciated!
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Racingthoughts, thanks so much for sharing! I'm so happy for you that you were able to kick your addiction and focus getting better! It sounds like you are on track for a bright future.
Daisy, so happy for you and your son, too. I'm sure it felt good to see your son healthy again!
Thanks again to all you have responded. Your suggestions are greatly appreciated!
Daisy, so happy for you and your son, too. I'm sure it felt good to see your son healthy again!
Thanks again to all you have responded. Your suggestions are greatly appreciated!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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FHL4K, I am so thankful to God my son is doing well. A lot of heartache we went through. I did tons of research, education so I understood what I was dealing with. I did not have much support from my husband. But now he has come around. Its hard he cannot live at home but it is the best for him. As he says, "one day at a time". I also have a mentor that has gone through this and has been my backbone when I was wavering on what to do. Research enabling behavior for yourself. As they are your sons you want to "help" but they need to struggle to realize what reality of life is. you can message me if you need to talk.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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I caught my son smoking weed 3 times! And more-I found in his internet browser history pages about drugs and internet forums about using them! I don't know what to do now
My wife wanna buy parental control software k9 or PCWebControl to block him that kind of sites...but I'm not sure...
My wife wanna buy parental control software k9 or PCWebControl to block him that kind of sites...but I'm not sure...
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Finding good information about the bad effects of pot will help you and maybe help them see that it is far from "harmless".
Sadly, they are of an age where you cannot control what they do, but if you are paying for their education and they are not maintaining passable grades, I would withdraw funding anything until they find a better way to live without pot.
The pot today is hundreds times more powerful than the pot of the 60's and 70's (my youth) and it frightens me to see how it's harm is trivialized by the media and society in general.
Pot is a drug, period. It doesn't matter if it is more harmful or less harmful than any other drug, it steals your soul just the same as any other drug.
Hugs
Sadly, they are of an age where you cannot control what they do, but if you are paying for their education and they are not maintaining passable grades, I would withdraw funding anything until they find a better way to live without pot.
The pot today is hundreds times more powerful than the pot of the 60's and 70's (my youth) and it frightens me to see how it's harm is trivialized by the media and society in general.
Pot is a drug, period. It doesn't matter if it is more harmful or less harmful than any other drug, it steals your soul just the same as any other drug.
Hugs
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