He Ruined Thanksgiving. Not Surprised.

Old 11-27-2014, 06:20 PM
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He Ruined Thanksgiving. Not Surprised.

Where do you post if your BF has alcohol and substance abuse probs? Just take your pick?
Anyways, he was acting weird since this morning. Then as he got progressively worse, more "off", I caught him standing in the laundry room for a bit too long. When he left I went in there and dug thru the dirty clothes. Low and behold, there it was. The huge bottle of cheap vodka. My heart sank and I was enraged at the same time. Then I saw a coke can in the bathroom. Smelled it. It nearly burned my nose off. Nearly pure vodka.
He knew I knew and then became agitated when I left the room, trying not to engage. It didn't last long. I said horrible things. True and horrible. I feel like any love I had left for this person is slipping away. I look at his face and it's not he person I met. He is weak and soft these days. Every small stress is a reason to drink/ use/abuse meds. Girls like me don't stay with guys like this. I need to plan my out. It hurts so much but I don't think I have sympathy left for him. He seems to have none for me, certainly.
What a spectacularly awful Thxgiving. I'm glad I go back to work tomorrow so I don't have to be around him.
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Old 11-27-2014, 06:38 PM
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Ann
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Holidays were the times when I most noticed my own son's addiction. My large roasting pan has a dent in it from years ago, a Thanksgiving gone wrong even before the turkey hit the pan. I was frustrated and threw it across the kitchen...what kind of mother does that?

The good part is that sometimes it takes this extra edge for us to see things for what they are. When things go wrong on a day that is important to us...and the addict doesn't seem to care, it hurts and it makes us angry.

You are wise to see this for what it is, an alcoholic out of control, and wiser still to decide this is no kind of life for you to be living.

The decisions are hard but I wish you well and hope you can find your own happiness sometime soon.

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Old 11-27-2014, 06:46 PM
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It's nice to know I'm not the only person who snaps. I would have liked to have thrown the entire kitchen across the room, to be honest. Lol.
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Old 11-27-2014, 06:50 PM
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It brings out the worst in us, that's for sure.

At one point I used to look at my son and his behaviour to figure out how "I" was. It was days like this that I learned to look at myself...if I was always angry, frustrated, afraid, sad, regretful, resentful and or just plain tired, it was usually about "me" not taking care of myself and allowing his behaviour to get under my skin.

That's the time to move on or move out, before it makes "us" sick.

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Old 11-27-2014, 08:03 PM
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'Girls like me don't stay with guys like that."....exactly. Cut him loose and never revisit this forum again.
Go girl.
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Old 11-27-2014, 08:44 PM
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Ann, for what it's worth? I think you showed considerable restraint. I thought the dent came from hitting his hard head!

dear LovesBulldogs, please get out while you can. Don't stay. It's not worth it. I say this as an alcoholic. It's a vicious, hateful disease. It sounds like he's firmly in its grip. best thing you can do is leave him. It might be enough shock to get him to AA or make a serious attempt to get sober. don't use the threat and be prepared to stay gone when you leave. make sure that's what you want and make it permanent.

please know I give this advice with love and as for something for you to consider.

love from Lenina
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Old 11-27-2014, 10:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Lenina View Post
Ann, for what it's worth? I think you showed considerable restraint. I thought the dent came from hitting his hard head! dear ...
Hi Lenina,
He's entering an out patient rehab program on Monday, but for some reason I don't have any hope in him using the program appropriately. Theyll be testing him 3xs a week. But Ive already gone thru couples counseling and Antabuse with him and the minute either "no one is looking" or any of life's troubles head his way, he buckles and uses. He hasn't even been very forthcoming w me abt the program. He promised me he'd sign up abt a month ago (I kicked him out after he was attempting to hide some binge drinking) and he didn't. It was only a few days ago when I lost it again (caught him abusing subs and ativan and, I found out today, alcohol) that he says he actually signed up. Even today he was trying to blame me for his drinking. That was a good one. You know, when he doesn't drink, abuse meds, etc. we don't have any arguments. Not one! He's the type of person whose personality changes 100% the minute he is not straight and sober. I'm 15 weeks pregnant and really wrestling with the fact that I can't count on this person and certainly would not/could not trust him with a newborn. I'm really devastated.
I appreciate your perspective.
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Old 11-27-2014, 10:26 PM
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Originally Posted by F50Lurker View Post
'Girls like me don't stay with guys like that."....exactly. Cut him loose and never revisit this forum again. Go girl.
I hear you and I am working up the courage to go on my own. You are right. I'm getting my own bank acct ASAP. Getting my ducks in a row.
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Old 11-28-2014, 05:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Lenina View Post
Ann, for what it's worth? I think you showed considerable restraint. I thought the dent came from hitting his hard head!
Don't give me so much credit, he wasn't even in the room, lucky him, lol. I don't hit or allow hitting of any kind, but there were many days where I could have shaken him until his brains fell out and then shook him some more, if I were a woman of violence.

Threatening to kick down a crack house door was as close to violence as I ever got...and I think it was myself that I put in harm's way.

I am quiet, peaceful, reasonable woman and yet the frustration of trying to stop the insanity of my son's addiction only drew me into it, like a cyclone pulls you to the centre, I had to fight to keep my own sanity.

Thank goodness the program of recovery promised to restore me to sanity...so far, so good.

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Old 11-28-2014, 05:48 AM
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Ann, You are one of the kindest women I know and I know you, like me, oppose acting out Violence no matter how angry we get. You have taught me much. thank you for being a role model for us!

this is why I advise leaving an active addict/alcoholic. no one should let this disease turn us into someone we are not. And to be honest, I recommend leaving anyone who makes us become someone we are not. I say we leave, protect ourselves and protect the Love in our hearts.

Love from Lenina
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Old 11-28-2014, 07:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Lenina View Post
I recommend leaving anyone who makes us become someone we are not.
very good advice!

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Old 11-28-2014, 08:44 AM
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never easy

Hello everybody. I am new to the forum, have been lurking for a few days, just found the forum last week after my first al-anon moderator recommended it. I live in a mostly rural area and there aren't many meetings for us. I hope you all don't mind my 2 cents worth.

I feel your pain, BulldogLover, I really do.

I am married to a RAW. We have had several months of abstinence in the past but no real sobriety, or so she told me recently. She is in rehab now after a solid month of bingeing. The trigger? likely PTSD from moving to her old hometown. There are no guarantees with this selfish disease, even the recovery is selfish. In your case tho, as I read from your description of the situation, you do have a little life for whom you are at present responsible. Please keep the little one in mind when you make your decisions. Is your BF the daddy? DO you want him in this condition near the baby? can you trust him with an infant? If you place yourself and the baby first and second, you might notice the slot for third gets smaller by the second and your decision might be easier to make. You might even have to consider whether to allow him to have any contact with baby later in life when baby is around- that might be a tough one, but again, think of the outcome. What would you want the outcome to be, good or bad? And go with the best possible outcome you would want. Or in other words, it's like trying to get a car out of a spin on ice- do not apply brakes, do not step on the accelerator but aim for where you want the car to be and keep your eyes open.

Good luck, and hope the above helps (and is not dribble)

The Sea Turtle
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Old 11-28-2014, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by seaturtle3804 View Post
Hello everybody. I am new to the forum, have been lurking for a few days, just found the forum last week after my first al-anon moderator recommended it. I live in a mostly rural area and there aren't many meetings for us. I hope you all don't mind my 2 cents worth. I feel your pain, BulldogLover, I really do. I am married to a RAW. We have had several months of abstinence in the past but no real sobriety, or so she told me recently. She is in rehab now after a solid month of bingeing. The trigger? likely PTSD from moving to her old hometown. There are no guarantees with this selfish disease, even the recovery is selfish. In your case tho, as I read from your description of the situation, you do have a little life for whom you are at present responsible. Please keep the little one in mind when you make your decisions. Is your BF the daddy? DO you want him in this condition near the baby? can you trust him with an infant? If you place yourself and the baby first and second, you might notice the slot for third gets smaller by the second and your decision might be easier to make. You might even have to consider whether to allow him to have any contact with baby later in life when baby is around- that might be a tough one, but again, think of the outcome. What would you want the outcome to be, good or bad? And go with the best possible outcome you would want. Or in other words, it's like trying to get a car out of a spin on ice- do not apply brakes, do not step on the accelerator but aim for where you want the car to be and keep your eyes open. Good luck, and hope the above helps (and is not dribble) The Sea Turtle
Hi Seaturtle,
Your reply was not dribble! Just reading other people's stories and their replies to me has helped me to feel slightly more sane. Yes, he is the father and this was planned (during a sober period when he was doing great, or so I thought). No, I don't want him around the baby in this condition and I absolutely do not trust him either. I would like him to move out during his time in recovery/rehab but he has basically refused. Lots of ppl say, "then you may be the one who has to go", but with (currently) no car, pregnant, with 2 dogs and living only 3blks from where I work, and as the only one of us who could actually afford the rent on their own in this place, I don't feel I even SHOULD leave and put myself at a disadvantage because of him/ his addictions once again. I've put up with so much and to be forced to move now? It seems ridiculous.
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Old 11-28-2014, 12:27 PM
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then get some help and move him out. does he have some family nearby where you could drop off his stuff? then change the lock!
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Old 11-28-2014, 01:46 PM
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Do you own your place or rent? Is it in one or both of your names?
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Old 11-28-2014, 02:46 PM
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Originally Posted by waitingforhope View Post
Do you own your place or rent? Is it in one or both of your names?
I rent and its in my name. I've reached out to his parents for help before and his mom told me its my problem to deal with. They dealt with him during his heroin addiction so I understand if they got burned by that. However, I was still surprised at her reaction.
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Old 11-29-2014, 05:49 AM
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"I don't hit or allow hitting of any kind"

I think to say you would never be physical with an addict, is making anyone who had to be feel guilty, and boy don't we have enough guilt? When my addicted son assaulted his younger sister, I hit him (and hard). And when he tried to get in our house by using a sledge hammer to break down the front door, my husband punched him. Would we have done this with any of our normal kids? No, but addiction changes everyone. And sometimes you react impulsively, if the moment arises where someone is in danger. My son is a year sober, and he would never do any of the things he did when he was in addiction. He's not bad, and neither are we.
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Old 11-29-2014, 05:51 AM
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"I don't hit or allow hitting of any kind"

I think to say you would never be physical with an addict, is making anyone who had to be feel guilty, and boy don't we have enough guilt? When my addicted son assaulted his younger sister, I hit him (and hard). And when he tried to get in our house by using a sledge hammer to break down the front door, my husband punched him. Would we have done this with any of our normal kids? No, but addiction changes everyone. And sometimes you react impulsively, if the moment arises where someone is in danger. My son is a year sober, and he would never do any of the things he did when he was in addiction. He's not bad, and neither are we.
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