finding love again

Old 11-27-2014, 05:03 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 23
finding love again

Hey SR

Do you ever have moments when you wonder if you will love someone again? Trust someome to really love you back and not get bored or walk away cause its too hard .... or quite frankly cause there's always gonna be something better... friends, parties, drugs, new people's to ****. Feels so crappy finding out the person you were talking about getting a house with and looking at wedding rings with was living a double life... and eventually I wasn't worth the hassle

Whenever I think these thoughts I tell myself I'm being silly but the reality is that they sneak up on me everyday.

Also feel like I'm just bound to pick all the wrong people. It's like I preselected for those who are incapable of love.

How do you deal with these negative thoughts and the overwhelming self doubt? Could really use some examples of those who finally let go and found healthy happy relationships. Tips would be wonderful!!
sparrow15 is offline  
Old 11-27-2014, 06:45 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Also feel like I'm just bound to pick all the wrong people. It's like I preselected for those who are incapable of love.
You aren't alone and maybe now would be a good time to figure out why you are attracted to those who have nothing to bring to the relationship.

This is a terrific old thread from the "Sticky" posts at the top of this forum...you have to look deep, first under Important Reading and then the last link there for "more"

If you can spot the red flags in a relationship, and learn to see them early before you are too involved, you may have a shot at avoiding the trap of always choosing the ones that let you down.

Read this, it may help.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ationship.html
Ann is offline  
Old 11-29-2014, 04:16 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
sparrow15,

I'm divorced from an alcoholic for 7 years, separated 3 years prior. I've been "single" for almost 10 years. Try reading posts at baggagereclaim.com. The articles are amazing and deal with everything from breakups, to dating, to identifying red flags.

I've found that even now, my bent is to try too hard to fix and accept too much responsibility in relationships. Similar to trying to fix my ex-H alcoholism, my son's drug addiction, and my daughter's borderline personaliy.

Being alone is far better than being with someone for the sake of being with someone.

qwer
qwer1234 is offline  
Old 11-29-2014, 04:21 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Kaleidoscope eyes
 
KateL's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: London
Posts: 5,243
I've lived alone with my son for the last couple of years and never been happier I only learned a few years ago that it's not compulsory to be in a relationship, which is just as well because I'm not very good at it x
KateL is offline  
Old 11-29-2014, 07:26 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by sparrow15 View Post
Hey SR

Do you ever have moments when you wonder if you will love someone again? Trust someome to really love you back and not get bored or walk away cause its too hard .... or quite frankly cause there's always gonna be something better... friends, parties, drugs, new people's to ****. Feels so crappy finding out the person you were talking about getting a house with and looking at wedding rings with was living a double life... and eventually I wasn't worth the hassle

Whenever I think these thoughts I tell myself I'm being silly but the reality is that they sneak up on me everyday.

Also feel like I'm just bound to pick all the wrong people. It's like I preselected for those who are incapable of love.

How do you deal with these negative thoughts and the overwhelming self doubt? Could really use some examples of those who finally let go and found healthy happy relationships. Tips would be wonderful!!
In my own experience, I believe I'm capable of love. But I'm not capable of the trust required to truly experience that kind of emotional intimacy.

To be honest, it doesn't bother me too much. I may be alone, but I'm certainly not lonely. I have a lot of good friends who mean a lot to me, and I nurture those friendships quite a bit.

Romantic relationships are a tremendous amount of work, and at this moment in my life, I don't have the bandwidth to even want to try to have one. I have independence, and I pretty much do what I want, when I want. To give that up is not something I'm interested in doing.

I am very comfortable being unattached. I don't need a romantic relationship in order to feel complete or whole.
zoso77 is offline  
Old 11-29-2014, 08:25 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
JOIE12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
please work on finding what brings you peace and allows you to feel what you want to. An addict depletes their bank and then begins to make withdrawals from everyone else. We became accustomed to giving them the 'help' that they needed. To be happy again, i discovered that it was okay to stop giving, that in fact, I 'must' stop or it would eventually kill me. Love will come along when you are ready but you may need time to heal and to rebuild who you are.
JOIE12 is offline  
Old 11-30-2014, 05:54 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 57
Being in a relationship with an addict consumes so much of our energy, we forget what else is out there. I recently had lunch with a high school friend and her husband. It was enlightening to see the dynamic of a healthy relationship. The two love and support each other. Although no relationship is perfect, I forgot what a healthy relationship looked like. I finally saw that the relationship I had with my XABF was the exact opposite of healthy. I know I deserve better and accepting less than I deserve is unacceptable.

Don't lose hope that you will find love. If that's truly what you want it is out there and you can find it, you just have to be open to deserving better.
MLH2282 is offline  
Old 12-07-2014, 07:59 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 79
I was in a relationship with a heroin addict for 8 months. I have not heard from him in a month. I have been in other upsetting relationships. Currently I am in a relationship with the most genuine man I have ever met. It was hard for me at first to let him in. But I did. And being in this relationship has only brought me joy. There are great people out there. And as long as you are happy with yourself u can be in a healthy relationship.
jadealexander is offline  
Old 12-07-2014, 08:11 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
ubntubnt's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
A good friend of mine was in a marriage for just over 20 years. she was unhappy and finally separated about 1 year ago. She spent years telling me that she was "not good at relationships" and that "she was not good at sex and didn't like it anyway". Four months ago she met a new man and is in the midst of that rosy glow that comes with a new relationship. She told me yesterday that it turns out she is good at relationships after all and that she has discovered that sex is amazing.
Turns out that she just needed to be in a better space in her own head to let someone in.
ubntubnt is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:05 AM.