I finally filed DV charges

Old 11-28-2014, 05:39 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I've been reading this and I'm ticked for you Mejo. But show your kids what it is like to follow through. Make the statements, I also like the idea of going to the hospital and getting your neck checked out... The doc won't believe that it is a hicky (FFS!)

Call the DV hotline and stick close to here. If there is anything else that you are paying for him, cancel it. You can do this.
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Old 11-28-2014, 08:28 AM
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Mejo, I am just seeing your thread and I am so very, very sorry for what you have been through. PLEASE do as everyone has suggested and go to the hospital, get photos, call a DV hotline or shelter, and get the RO on Monday. In my state we have what is called an Order of Protection that is just for DV cases. See if there is something like that where you are. The DV advocates know everything that needs to be done and will help you do ALL of it! They will even go to court with you!

I have posted some of these before, but here they are just for you, with a big hug attached. For me, the more I do to educate myself, the more empowered I become--with addiction, abuse, childrearing, you name it. Your children are your best treasures right now. Cuddle them, in whatever way that works right now.

Healing and Hope: WHO IS THE CONTROLLING ONE?

Bancroft also wrote an invaluable book on violent men:
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft — Reviews, Discussion, Bookclubs, Lists

These wheels are powerful to consider side by side:
http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/powerandcontrol.pdf

http://www.theduluthmodel.org/pdf/Equality.pdf

You will be in my prayers and thoughts often, Mejo. Please take care of yourself. Please don't give up.

Last edited by GardenMama; 11-28-2014 at 08:30 AM. Reason: wording
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Old 11-28-2014, 09:08 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Tamerua View Post
I've been reading this and I'm ticked for you Mejo. But show your kids what it is like to follow through. Make the statements, I also like the idea of going to the hospital and getting your neck checked out... The doc won't believe that it is a hicky (FFS!)

Call the DV hotline and stick close to here. If there is anything else that you are paying for him, cancel it. You can do this.
Exactly.
You DO matter! Please follow through and also change your locks if he has a key. You could still get granted the restraining order on Monday plus following through will establish a paper trail in case he tries anything again.
Please don't give up now, we are here for you.
I really really really think you should go Monday and get that RO!

((hugs))
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Old 11-28-2014, 09:39 AM
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We can only imagine how you feel today, mejo.
But it is NOT over---and what you think of as
defeat now you will someday look back and see as
nothing but a tactical retreat to marshall your
resources.
The courage you have shown here is proof that
you find find your way out of this place where accepting
violence from lowlifes is considered nominal.

It isn't.This isn't Afghanistan. We don't throw acid in the
faces of women who choose to say no. And although it is
true there ARE still backwater cesspools where the local
yokels feel comfortable remaining in their back-asswards
cowardly life modes......they are seen in the REAL world
for what they are-----untouchables.
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Old 11-28-2014, 09:53 AM
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Mejo, you can let him win, or you can defeat him, its up to you. Do not let a momentary glitch stop you from doing what is necessary. Get mad... you have every right to be mad. It will give you the strength to climb out of the hole he thinks he has you in.

I think its a very good idea to get to the er and let them document your neck. Just because he lied to police , don't let that knock you down. You are beginning to stand on your feet and say no to the violations. Don't let someone as low and ignorant as him win, because you have much more going for you, in that you are in the right here.

The police will listen to the one who is talking, so do not miss your chance to speak up. File charges, get the RO, etc. It could be worse next time, Mejo. Don't give him a second chance to hurt you.
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Old 11-28-2014, 11:08 AM
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I am going to get the RO on Monday. Also, my T said he would testify that at 1:30 pm I did not have ANY marks on my neck. I guess I am passed being mad. He is a piece of **** who deserves everything that karma will send his way. I ******* hate him right now. Who does that **** because they are too much of a ******* coward to face what they are doing and who they are hurting. I just read an article on psychopaths/sociopaths. This is him. This is what I have accepted for 10 ******* years. I am at work today and have confided in one person. They said it is clear they are not hickys. I am hurt because he would make me look like I am the f***ed up one in all of this. I was giving, compassionate when I should have been, and warm. He has taken that from me at the moment. I am just sitting in anger. I need.need to feel this for a while.
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Old 11-28-2014, 01:39 PM
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Intense anger is totally normal and has it's purpose. It can be protective and motivating to follow through. Everything in your last post is justified. Your anger at him, at the police, at the system that allows this to happen. This is the major reason why women don't feel safe enough to leave but it can be done. Hundreds of women every day go through this. Go meet some. Many DV centers do group counseling. Someone recommended the book "Why Does He Do That?". It's excellent. Now that they brought it up, I'm going to pull out my own copy and reread it. Really it's an excellent resource for answering all those unanswered questions you must have. Take care.
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Old 11-29-2014, 08:03 AM
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mejo ... you knew when the time was right for you regardless of second guessing your decision. My ex did all kinds of things to me. I allowed him. When i told him if he ever laid a hand on me again, I would call the police and put an OOP in place. That day came after another 3 1/2 yrs passed.

Remember you can't call when you're dead.

Your loved ones need you. Hold your head up and be proud. It takes more strength than most people understand. DV is serious.

Thank you for sharing your story.
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Old 11-29-2014, 09:33 AM
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Mejo...

Two things.

1) Your children need a parent to protect them and make decisions that are in their best interests.

2) You have an opportunity to prevent your AH from doing this to anyone else.

I know your emotions and your feelings are all over the map. And that's OK. You can still act decisively with your emotions and feelings all over the map.

You've gotten a lot of good feedback, MorningGlory in particular. Absorb everything you have received and do what you need to do.
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Old 11-29-2014, 10:50 AM
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mejo ... you can contact the DV representative at the police station. They specialize in this and what to look for. They are there to tell you what can be done or what the police SHOULD have done. I used them twice and they instructed the officers to process the claim of violence.
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Old 11-29-2014, 10:59 AM
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muddy the waters ? I'd report them. I had a similar situation and immediately used the other officer that had arrived to call the Sgt. Hickies ? no one would believe that one when you went thru the trouble of reporting this .. that's an insult from them. I would fight to keep him away from you at any cost. Please don't give up, you have made it this far and i would want no contact with him. It's scary when the addict comes back afterwards to teach you a lesson. Please be careful. I learned self defense, carry a neck knife. Koga. A carry permit, handgun and learned to shoot properly. Pepper spray. Baseball bat. Air rifle and pistol. No one is taking me from my children. Especially someone like my ex. I will use any means to never let him hurt me again. I wanted my daughters to see what they deserved and how hard i would fight for my own safety for their safety.
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Old 11-29-2014, 11:56 AM
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Thanks everyone. I have not heard from him at all. The last thing he said to me was "I hate your ******* guts". So that is that. I told him that was obvious because he was texting his GF all night after he did this. I am just trying to move on. I just want him to leave me alone, and after this, I know he will. He does not go out of his way to see me when he wants a divorce. He just wants to start a new life. I will be okay. I will start a new life too. I will not have to put up with the constant lies and hate anymore. I don't know what I ever did for him to hate me so much, but that is his issue. Not mine. I was a very faithful person. I was always his number one cheerleader in life. She can have him. I hope she is everything he ever wanted. I am moving on. I need clarity. I need hope that not every man out there is a loser who walks out on someone they supposedly love. That I am not so easily replaceable. But my current H is a sick person. I need healthy and that will never be him. For ten years that has not been him.
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Old 11-29-2014, 12:22 PM
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Originally Posted by mejo View Post
Thanks everyone. I have not heard from him at all. The last thing he said to me was "I hate your ******* guts". So that is that. I told him that was obvious because he was texting his GF all night after he did this. I am just trying to move on. I just want him to leave me alone, and after this, I know he will. He does not go out of his way to see me when he wants a divorce. He just wants to start a new life. I will be okay. I will start a new life too. I will not have to put up with the constant lies and hate anymore. I don't know what I ever did for him to hate me so much, but that is his issue. Not mine. I was a very faithful person. I was always his number one cheerleader in life. She can have him. I hope she is everything he ever wanted. I am moving on. I need clarity. I need hope that not every man out there is a loser who walks out on someone they supposedly love. That I am not so easily replaceable. But my current H is a sick person. I need healthy and that will never be him. For ten years that has not been him.

Oh Mejo, I am so sorry. I've been following this thread and rooting for you. Despite all my hard headed advice to fellow DV sufferers I never did any of the tough stuff you're doing now. I had him arrested a few times, but never got a chance to follow through and try to press charges. His mom always bailed him out and dropped him back off on the doorstep before I had a chance.
You're right about him being sick and that is not a reflection of you or your worth. My ex supposedly just married his aunt (uncle's widow) and claims his first cousins as stepdaughters. She is a morbidly obese welfare queen 15 years older than him. For all my talk about not taking it personally, it is still a bit of a sting on the old self esteem, though I feel sorrier for her daughters than I do for myself, which I suppose is progress.
Sending lots of hugs and strength your way. I truly admire your courage Mejo. Thank you so much for this thread. Stay strong. We are all here for you.
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Old 11-29-2014, 01:36 PM
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mejo,

Two things:

NOBODY gets to mistreat you like this,
and NOBODY gets to raise their hand to you.

NOBODY.
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Old 11-29-2014, 01:54 PM
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MEJO: Pretty cool getting all this support? It is so reassuring. It even has me feeling better and I don't even know you
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Old 11-29-2014, 02:02 PM
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Mejo,

I don't often go on this forum (usually on the F&F of Alcoholics), but I have worked in the DV field for many years. I'm sorry the police did not charge him, but I do have a suggestion (apart from the great advice you've already gotten).

Please go to the ER and have your injuries (the neck bruising and any internal injuries to your throat) evaluated. You may not THINK they are terribly serious, but they could be. There have been instances of death from strangulation that happened days after the incident.

Also, once you have done that, you can contact the DA's office and ask that they take a look at your case. The police don't have the final say on whether to prosecute, the DA does.

Regardless of whether you want to pursue charges at this point or not, however, do see a doctor. Have the injury documented, and treated if necessary. I hope he will never have the opportunity to hurt you again, but if he does, that documentation can be important to a later case.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and regardless of what the police do, please pursue that order of protection, and connect with a DV advocate who can help you with safety planning.

If there is anything you want to ask me, feel free to pm me.
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Old 11-29-2014, 03:03 PM
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Lexie, I called my Dr yesterday and asked him to look at my neck and see if he could determine The cause. He said he would, but he said it would still be a "she said he said". He told me that he is proud of me and proud I called. He told me to use this opportunity to get him out of my life. He has been trying to give AH help prior for his addiction. He said not to ever talk to AH again until he has been in recovery for one year. The thing is, I plan on never speaking to him again, so I don't care what happens to him. He will not contact me. I know this with all of my being.

Tonight I am going to dinner and a movie with a friend if I can find something to cover my neck. I really just want to stay in the house and never leave expect to go to work, but that is not reasonable.
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Old 11-29-2014, 03:04 PM
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Lexie, I called my Dr yesterday and asked him to look at my neck and see if he could determine The cause. He said he would, but he said it would still be a "she said he said". He told me that he is proud of me and proud I called. He told me to use this opportunity to get him out of my life. He has been trying to give AH help prior for his addiction. He said not to ever talk to AH again until he has been in recovery for one year. The thing is, I plan on never speaking to him again, so I don't care what happens to him. He will not contact me. I know this with all of my being.

Tonight I am going to dinner and a movie with a friend if I can find something to cover my neck. I really just want to stay in the house and never leave expect to go to work, but that is not reasonable.
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Old 11-29-2014, 05:00 PM
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mejo,

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I just read this today. I just want you to know how much you mean to me. You are a terrific person, terrific mother.

I would also suggest going to the DV advocate at the courthouse.

just (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

stay safe, and know that I think the world of you.

amy
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Old 11-29-2014, 06:21 PM
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Originally Posted by mejo View Post
Lexie, I called my Dr yesterday and asked him to look at my neck and see if he could determine The cause. He said he would, but he said it would still be a "she said he said".
I'm glad your doctor is supportive, but your doctor isn't a lawyer.

Here's the thing, your testimony about what happened IS evidence, and the injuries corroborate what you said happened. Believe it or not, it is possible to prosecute cases like this without the victim's testimony AT ALL. I've done it, and I train police and prosecutors how to accomplish it. Sorry for the digression, but I want people to know that they can and should continue to report these crimes (and strangulation is a serious crime in most states these days), and let the legal experts sort out any evidentiary problems.

Have you talked with a DV advocate? I really recommend it.
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