waitingforhope

Well Zoso, once again you were right yesterday. I felt okay during the day but after the girls went to bed last night, out of the blue I just got overwhelmed and it hit me like a train. I am really ending my marriage. I did it. I made a decision I really feel I have to stick with for my girls sake and mine but wow, despite everything, this really is a crappy position to be in. I cried for two hours. I've been crying this morning. I so sad now and angry and everything else in between all at one time. How could that be? Logically this shouldn't even be bothering me. I have every valid reason possible to be getting a divorce. The emotions about it though are catching me off guard. After all the consequences, I just can't believe I haven't gotten over all this yet.

NotSoSmart

((hugs))
It's OK to grieve the loss of what might have been but didn't turn out that way.

nools

WaitingForHope. I'm in the same boat as you. My emotions are all over the place and don't make sense. But as NotSoSmart says we are grieving. It actually helps a little bit to be reminded we are not the only ones going through this. My children have grown up and I stayed throughout but it ended anyway. We are living in the same house waiting for it to sell and there are days when I want to medicate the feelings.

waitingforhope

If all goes as it's supposed to with no gliches, in about 120 days, I won't be married anymore. It will just be over just like that. 10+ years of my life just finished.

Ann

Mourning the loss of your dreams of what your marriage "might have been" and grieving because all that is left is the sadness...is a normal way to feel.

Take time to grieve, just don't hang out there too long. Have some "sadness buster" ideas handy to help you move your head to a better place....a walk in nature with your kids, listening to some "up" music or reading a book that will take you someplace else. Planning a vacation to some place exotic, reading about the place and all the things you would enjoy there....even if you never go...can help lift your spirits to some place better.

You will be okay, just not right away and not all the time, for a while.

Hugs

waitingforhope

This weekend my kids are going to my mom's. They need a break and my mom will spoil them a bit. But I'm somewhat afraid to be home alone this weekend. I haven't had a weekend off in about 4 months and have no clue what to do with myself. Right now I feel drained, no energy to do anything. I have to leave for work in a bit but I'm afraid that with how I feel this moment, I'll cry at work. I hope I can keep this in check the next 10 hours.

biminiblue

You'll be okay, it will be okay.

I think your work would understand if you wanted to leave early under the circumstances, no? It's a pretty big deal, it's understandable that you are having trouble dealing with it.

((hug))

zoso77

You're right. It is a crappy position to be in. When you married him and had children with him, I bet you couldn't imagine a day where you'd be in the position you are now.

Although I'm not married, I firmly believe in order for a marriage to work, both parties need to be operating by the same set of rules. Once your AH turned to drugs, he operated on a new set of rules, which was no rules at all, really. So you did what you had to do.

And you know what? You should be angry. You should be sad. You should feel everything that you're feeling. And that's because you're human and, on some level, you still care for your AH deeply.

Right now, you're grieving. And that's normal. Don't try to fight what you're feeling. Just accept it, and inch forward as best you can.

waitingforhope

Work usually distracts me. I'm hoping it'll get me through til I leave. Slow deep breathes......

waitingforhope

Thanks everyone! Here I go off to do my best to try to put on my happy face.....

Hope7726

Of course you are overwhelmed and sad. You married with dreams in mind and the intent to stay married for the rest of your life. Never in your worst nightmare could you imagine things would turn out like this. It's totally ok to cry, cry it out! Whenever I feel like I'm going to cry at work I literally shake it off. Snap out of it. Some days the only thing keeping me going is knowing I can burst into tears once I get in my car.

Tomorrow you could very well get angry again. That's just the nature of what you're going through. Be good to yourself this weekend. If you spend one day laying around feeling sorry for yourself, don't do it the next day.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

waitingforhope

Oh I have cried in my car more than once after work over this!

Vale

Cry all you need to. Grieve all you need to.
Loss is not the worst outcome, the worst outcome is not
having the courage to bypass 30 years of grieving,heartache,
and tears.

waitingforhope

Yes I should be thankful that 30 years of grief and tears don't have to be my future. So tomorrow I will remember that when I pray for all of our well beings and be grateful that God has given me people and tools to use to get through all this. Thank you!

qwer1234

Crying, long walks, hot tea, journaling.

I divorced after 20 years due to addiction....grieving is natural even under these circumstances.

sober

Ann

Very well said, Vale.

Twofish

Dear WFH,
It hurts, and it will hurt, you gave someone a big part of your heart and now that
heart is quivering in pain. I'm in the first month of my own divorce, 30 yr plan that
ended. (It was hard to type that.)
The grief is unimaginable, my husband is still alive, still walking around, still in denial.
Love doesn't disappear. But you know what? I'm still alive and breathing! I cry but then
I go do something to distract me. SR is right, it does get better.
One thing I really have to stay away from is riding around in my car...those songs...they
keep playing those broken heart disease songs that start that thinking that start those
tears
It will get better...ya when? Only you will know this answer.
God Bless you and your family.
TF

waitingforhope

TF,
I've talked to other former wives who had been married much longer than myself and I can't imagine how spending a good majority of their lives with someone and then it simply ending, must feel. If I had been married even longer would I feel the sadness and anger more intensely? I would definitely think so. My own feelings have been such a roller coaster. What if I had to think about if this had happened 20 years from now instead? Has God saved us from wasting precious time with AH?

I used to love all different kinds of music. I don't anymore. I stopped listening when we separated last year. My radio in my car is off and I don't turn it on at home. I really miss it but I'm afraid of what it will provoke in me. It makes my head spin now.

Sara21

Waitingforhope,

My divorce was finalized last year and yes, it's ok to feel such a wide range of emotions. You are ending a painful chapter in your life and starting a brand new chapter. Sometimes we dwell on what we lost (our marriage, our future together, etc), but for me, all that ended long before I filed for divorce. My husband had checked out long ago and I was just holding on to an illusion.

Yes, it's scary to venture into the unknown. I have no idea what lies ahead but I know what won't be in my future. No more missing husband, sleepless nights, lies, deception, fear, and fights. Remembering that puts it all into perspective. Since the divorce, I have gotten closer to so many friends and relatives (I had been isolating myself during my marriage) and their support has been a huge help. I've also traveled more and gotten back to things that I enjoy doing.

My advice to you is turn on the radio in your car. It might hurt at first, but I think that with time, it's something that will lift your spirits. Addiction already robs us of so much, don't let it take your love of music away.

Sending you lots of hugs.

hopeful4

I too got divorced this year. Every once in a while I would feel like the wind was knocked out of me, I mean this was 18 years of my life. However, I remember the many other times the wind was knocked out of me because of the misery of my life with him.

Don't idealize marriage. You are divorcing for valid reasons. Remember each and every one of them. Don't let your guard down on that at all.

You can do this with your girls, and you will. It will get easier with time, I promise.