A bit anxious about the holidays and being alone with the girls
 

I haven't enjoyed the holidays or other events like my kids or my birthday in the last few years mostly because AH would ultimately find some way to wreck them. I was able to put on a good show though for the girls sakes but they are so much more intuitive this year than even last year. They know what's going on.

I'm an only child and my only family I talk to is my mom. My stepsister is moving to SC and she's down there this year and we aren't that close anyway. I live pretty far away from my friends so I find I'm feeling clastrophobic and the holidays pretty isolating especially this year. Most of the time it was always just AH, the girls and I. The one time I had his family over, he really embarrassed me and I gave up after that.

So this year it's just the 3 of us. My older daughter's birthday is also New Year's Eve and over the years we developed a tradition. This year I'm kind of at a loss as what to do knowing that continuing that tradition will be too much of a trigger for me. Knowing my paycheck is going to start being garnished on Friday isn't helping. I can't let her birthday be ruined though and I need to muster up some enthusiasm pretty quick here for my kids. I don't know how, but at some point I pulled off instilling in them a love for the holidays and I don't ever want that to be ruined for them.

Doing everything I can to shake this. I mean I made a deliberate plan to help keep us out of a funk this year. I made sure I picked up extra hours at work. I made a full day of plans for TG, Christmas and New Year's that are entirely different than what we have typically done, like this year I'm looking into taking the girls to see the Harlem Globetrotters on New Year's Eve and going to see the Trans Siberian Orchestra. Actually go do stuff my AH didn't want me spending money on in the past. I want my girls to experience this stuff so now I can do it without interference. And you would think I'd be thrilled about this. I should be thrilled about this.

The girls and I adopted a single parent family with 4 children this year as Secret Santa's and that's keeping us busy. Usually volunteering and doing something like that would have me all excited. I usually find volunteering some of the best medicine but I'm just having a hard time focusing on it this year. Then I get angry at myself because why should I wallow in my own self pity when other people have problems too? Why should I be so selfish when I'm given the chance to make another family's Christmas better? I get mad that I can't suck it up for my girls.

Then my older daughter tells me "it's alright momma if we don't have money and can't have my birthday this year." She has told me this several times now. She comes up with this stuff out of the blue. I reassured her that her birthday is one of the best days of the year and there was no way ever we weren't going to not celebrate it and we were going to be just fine. For whatever reason, she's really worried that we are poor. I'm not rich by any means but we have everything we need. Financially I'm still better off than many other single parents. There is no way I can let this kid feel guilty about her own birthday! What's a mom to do? She's empathetic and sweet she breaks my heart. So much more concerned about me than herself. I don't want her focusing on my well being. How do I really kick myself in the ass and get it together for my babes?

Celebrating your daughter's birthday would be better than the Golobetrotters or TSO...Just my opinion.

The holidays were harder with him. The holidays are just hard. I have a fantasy idea of what they "should" be like and the truth is not very many people have a perfect, great holiday.

I just try to survive them. Every year they pass. Thankfully.

((hug))

Maybe your feelings today are just a temporary setback. It sounds to me like you have thought a lot about the holidays already and have made good plans. Just do what you planned, and keep loving them like you do. They are intuitive and yet watch us for signs of anxiety and sadness. Be honest with them if they ask you how you are, but try to keep your chin up, too. You can do this!

Any good friends to call on? Any friends of your girls who'd could come over for cookie decorating or something festive, to take the focus off of you feeling like you have to make everything wonderful? Just a thought.

You know I didn't even think about including some of their friends in coming over and doing some stuff. They would love that! So simple yet I didn't even think about it. My girls could use some time with friends at their ages.

I think overall considering how much has happened in just the last month, we've been coping fairly well but you are right, there are days were I just am worrying and in a funk that no matter what I do it seems, I just can't shake it.

Bimi I'm sorry I meant that taking her to see the Globetrotters as part of her birthday present and getting her away from celebrating at home in case it's a trigger for her too. She always wanted to go and they come here every New Year's Eve so I thought it would be fun for her. I'm also making her favorite for dinner: King Crab legs and doing cake and presents. Trying to mix it up a bit with old and new traditions. My daughter plays violin and loves music. We've seen TSO before and she's mentioned to me that she would love to see them again. It's a great show.

I don't think it's guilt.

I think it's love.

Real bona fide willing-and-ready-to-sacrifice love for you :)

She is that kind of kid. She's really thoughtful and sensitive to other people's needs. I worry though sometimes that she cares too much at times. She hurts for other people sometimes more than they do for themselves. But she's really a sweetheart and just really a nice person.