Maria9

Hi everyone. I am new so hope I am doing this right. My drug addict boyfriend finally decided to check himself into rehab about two weeks ago. Yesterday I went to visit him for group therapy, which I was excited because it helps with questions I had. After only fifteen minutes of being there, a counselor comes in and asks for me. My boyfriend had decided to pack his things and tell them he was leaving and I would take him, which I of course refused. I asked his reasons of why he wanted to leave. Of course he gave the normal reasons of "I don't have problems like these people." (because he came there for suboxone) "I'm already better I don't ever want to do it again." "You don't care how I feel to give me a chance". Also he told me he called his dad and his dad said it was okay, and since he lives with his father and not me I should take him. The reason he did not live with me anymore is because he was stealing money and my adderall to sell. I feel like I have learned ways to stop enabling him and helping, but I do not know how to get his dad on the same page as me. It is not just this, he made his father lie to me about him going to rehab a few months ago. Also his dad used to go with him to buy his drugs and supply him with the money to do so, knowing what it was for. Also, he has not participated in any of the group counseling, which I believe would help him too. I just need ways I can get his dad to understand that enabling is not going to help. Thanks

ladyscribbler

My ex's parents stepped in to enable him after I left. Mostly his mom but also his dad, who has been in AA almost 30 years and should know better. Nothing I said or did could convince them how bad he was. They had to see for themselves.
My ex had a big blowup after they told him they were going to stop giving him money and just buy him groceries instead. He punched his mom and threatened to kill his dad. There have been other similar incidents since then. Last summer he called 911 to report them for kidnapping because they supervise his visits with our son and made my ex leave their house when he showed up drunk.
I felt bad for them having to experience that, but it was beyond my power to make them understand. In some of my Alanon meetings we've talked about the difference between voluntary vs involuntary relationships with an addict. Detaching from a child is harder than detaching from a spouse/significant other.

waitingforhope

I could use advice on this too.

Ann

I hope you didn't give him a ride, but if you did I understand.

You can't make his dad change anymore than you can make your boyfriend change. They each need to learn their lessons and make their own choices...however bad those choices may be.

What you can change is yourself, you can decide what is and what is not okay in your life and stand up for yourself. Leaving rehab is a cop out, excuses are just excuses and "I'm not like THOSE people" is the biggest excuse of all.

Whether he left or not, it's up to you whether you want to continue the ride of chaos or find a happier quieter way to live.

The only person you can change, is you.

Hugs

waitingforhope

I tried to involve my MIL who my AH has on a pedestal when his first addiction to painkillers reared it's ugly head 4-5 years ago. My goal was an intervention. I figured if there was going to be anyone he listened to, it would be her. What I got was her "gently talking" to him when I wasn't around, to ask him if what I said was true to which he minimized everything and made me out to be completely unreasonable. I haven't had contact with her since.

Now keep in mind this happened within about a month after he came home early from a hunting trip just to throw his head into my lap and sob that he had been lying to me for almost a year and had become addicted to his pain meds. He BEGGED me for help! I offered help to put him inpatient in a beautiful treatment facility and his choice was to go to the hood and buy methadone and go on a self prescribed "treatment plan" instead.

So after I involved mommy, I became the bad guy because she never bothered once to talk to me personally. He was able to play her like a violin while she sat in her own pretty little world of denial. I was clearly the bitch and still am apparently.

I made one last effort with his last hospitalization recently since she was his spokesperson for his healthcare after he cut me off, to just send her a letter telling her to call the manager of the ICU and he can confirm he's an addict for her. I let her know he will die with his heart in such bad shape while being an active user. We'll see if she stops enabling him now. Maybe it will kick in since she's apparently harboring him now. I have passed the torch of consequences onto her so it remains to be seen how long it is before she sees it with her own eyes.

Chillly

There's nothing you can do to get through to his dad.

chicory

Welcome Maria.

It's true that there isn't anything you can do to make his dad see what he may not be ready to accept. They see it, but are not believing what they see, because its so hard as a parent, to accept the frightening truth, the depth of the illness.

I hope you can find some help for yourself, in a meeting, nar-anon, or al-anon, or some of the other great groups out there.

take care of you.

Chicory