NJandy

I'm relatively new here, and I've already posted a few things about my addicted girlfriend, primarily about figuring out how to deal with her now that she's in recovery (51 days). From my meeting today with my therapist, I realize I have a new question.

Like I'm sure everyone on this forum, I have done a lot of things to try to "help" her -- some of those things were really stupid forms of enabling. Some of those things were possibly more enlightened attempts at genuinely helping her (e.g., visiting and calling and writing letters when she was inpatient).

One of the things I did was help pay for all her treatment, which ended up being many thousands of dollars. I realize some people on this forum might say that was also enabling, and they might be right, I really don't know, but I wanted her to get treatment.

Anyway, because she also had other non-drug-related medical problems which also cost many thousands of dollars, and because I had other cash flow problems, I ended up having to drain money from my paltry retirement account, and even pull some money from my kids' college savings account (they are not her kids; they're from a prior marriage). I think I will be able to put the money back, but still it was a sacrifice, obviously.

The thing that really bugged me was that she never expressed any gratitude for what I was doing. Not even a "thank you". Generally, her reaction for everything I did to support her in recovery has been a complete lack of thanks. I didn't do it to get thanks, I did it because I love her. But as I admitted to my therapist today, I really am resentful that she's never said a word of thanks. She probably doesn't think about it at all, of course. She's mind-bendingly selfish.

What is the best way to deal with this? Just tell her that it pisses me off? Make it part of a larger conversation? Write an angry letter that I never send? Let it go? FYI, this last option does not seem to be working.

Is this something you save up until you start writing down all your resentments, part of a larger package, or is it ok to unload piecemeal?

I want to get this monkey off my back rather than continue to lug it around. It definitely makes things more tense that I cannot unload these feelings.

zoso77

Ditch her.

Yes, that's a bit cold. But from my perspective, her lack of gratitude is indicative of her character.

You have not only sacrificed your financial condition, you have also sacrificed money that was marked for the education of your children. May I ask what were you thinking?

What you facilitated was her getting clean. That does not mean she's in recovery. The probability that she's going to stay on the right path is not very high. In this regard, you can't fix her. No one can. The price you have paid to try to fix her is way, way, way too high. And if she's not showing any gratitude now, what does that tell you about her?

KeepinItReal

Truthfully - ingratitude has a lot to do with NOT recovering. I find MY success in being grateful for everything. That my attitude when I was addicted was selfish and I didn't care about anyone else. I really didn't. I literally only cared about myself. How is that a way to live? It's not.
My husband... also falls into the category of being ungrateful for things. He slips back into being grateful when he's in recovery or having a good day where he's thinking straight. But sadly.... it's one of the many character defects drug addicts have. Learning to be grateful... and seeing outside of oneself is not automatic. It's something some people have to work on daily. I being one of them. I wake up each morning and think of at least 5 things i'm thankful for. When i'm in a bad mood... or something bad happns... I think about what i'm grateful for. It helps me. More than anything I have ever tried. Being grateful is the key for success.
I'm so sorry your going through this

Hope7726

I agree that addicts are completely self centered while using. And being newly sober, fresh out of treatment isn't going to change that overnight. At least not for most people. Like keepinitreal said, you have to work at it. Maybe she will get there, maybe she won't. There's no telling.

If it were me, I wouldn't say anything right now about my resentments. In early recovery it's probably too much for the addict to digest. And then if she doesn't respond how you want her to (she prob wouldn't) you will become even more angry. Unless you really work on letting go of your resentment, you know it's going to linger and make you madder each day. Have you checked out Naranon or Alanon? The 12 steps can help you move past these feelings.

ladyscribbler

I set myself up for a lot of resentment and disappointment when I expected my ex to be grateful for the things I did for him. And why should he have been grateful? I spent much of our relationship trying to change him and get him to do things he didn't want to do, like get sober.
You're angry with her because you're not owning the choices you've made. You didn't "end up having to" dip into your retirement and kids' college funds, you chose to do those things for someone who clearly doesn't care.
Grab your copy of ODAT in Alanon or Courage to Change and read up on expectations and resentments.

AnvilheadII

well, there's that saying: You Get What You Paid For.

I'm curious, did she ever ASK you to help pay for her treatment costs? or her medical bills? And if so was there any type of agreement regarding payback?

OR did you simply decide to take on these expenses - with the hope/expectation that she would get sober/better.

she's 51 days SOBER today. isn't that what you wanted? didn't you ever say "God if she would only quit?" well, here you go....she quit, about 6 weeks ago.

but that's not enough. like it or not, you feel INVESTED in her recovery, because you DID invest - heavily, depleting your future (retirement funds) AND your children's future (college funds). i didn't hear the part where she held a gun to your head and FORCED you to make these choices.

but you didn't get a thank you. in fact you are now secretly wondering if it was ever worth it, cuz you ain't seeing the PAYOUT you hoped for. the RETURN on your investment. she's still selfish, and her attitude towards you for being her saviour didn't change.

now you gotta bust your hump to try and rebuild your retirement account AND try to re-fund your kids future educations. and perhaps the reality of it all is fueling this anger/resentment you feel towards HER, when it's not really her FAULT. but you want her to VALIDATE that you did the right thing. scratch your back so to speak.

auroraxborealis

Gah, I hate it when technology freezes up and you have to retype stuff!

I use gratitude as a barometer for myself. I have to ask myself, "Am I doing this to get a thank-you out of it?"

If not, I proceed with caution.

If so, then I know it's probably not something I need to be doing.

I have an example of this is another person (because that's always easier for me): My best friend (let's call her D) and her MIL (an A in my book, if she's not eating, she's drinking, or the two overlap). D and her MIL have a rocky relationship, and I believe it to be because D doesn't put up with any BS from an A. MIL offered D and her husband $10,000 to put on a down payment towards a house. MIL inherited a bit of money, and her own parents did the same for her, so she wanted to pay it forward. Right? Well, maybe not.D was going back and forth about it, and she called me to chat. I told her from everything I know about MIL, it sounds like it's a bad idea. Because MIL will never be thanked enough. What she will expect is to be eternally and forever thanked and given credit for this wonderful gift, that she will claim oh really "it's not big deal because my parents did it for me." MIL is in reality going to expect that EVERY time D and her husband talk about their house, they will add "but if it weren't for MIL we woudn't have been able to do it." "Welcome to our house, isn't it nice? We would never have been able to get it if weren't for MIL." And so on and so forth. For the rest of the their lives in the house. D agreed and after talking it over with her husband they ultimately declined the offer.

It was something I could recognize because I know I do it myself. And I've learned to STOP offering help. If someone needs help, they can ask. If they can't ask because it's an emergency or something, well, then that's a different story.

But I have to stop offering myself up for help if all I want is fame and glory and recognition.

And you know what? No one hates me. No one has told me how mean I've become or how cold-hearted I am now. No one has asked me why I've stopped helping people. Probably no one has noticed. Probably not even my RAXBF (who is in recovery himself, but woud probably notice if he were an active A why I weren't putting a net beneath him).

I don't mean any offense to the OP by this.

incitingsilence

I want to know as well, did she ask?

And now is the time for her to be selfish. And I will not assign anything because 51 days clean in heroinland is just the very beginning. And while not using is the only way to start, recovery takes time, or relapse happens. There really isn’t much deviation. Time will show the truth. I’m not sure what you expect from her…

Which leads to the next question.

How much time do you have to wait?

One of my pet peeves … is all those looking around waiting on someone else to find life again never realizing they aren’t living in that process.

As the wife of a heroin addict I wouldn’t be expecting anything for a long time. She is going to need time to find, understand and fix herself to have any chance at all. Then and only then can she even begin to work on a relationship.

Are you getting any support at all from the watching side of things? You can’t and won’t ever be able to understand her, in a using state, non using state … maybe in recovery she might make sense to you but then do you even know her at all? It is in your best interest to let all things her go now and seek out why you are as you are. We all have to do that in order to have the best chance.

And do I say it, well I am.

This look at what I did for her … classic victim role.
That look what I did and she isn’t grateful … classic codependency.

NJandy

These are interesting posts, and I do appreciate them. But I also think some (emphasize SOME) of the posts are not connected to the world of regular adults.

When someone does something for you, you should be grateful. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a matter of being a decent, well mannered and respectful (i.e. non-selfish) human being. I have a friend (himself an addict in recovery) who has been an enormous help to me in this process. He's made himself available, talked to me countless times, and even agreed to spend time with my girlfriend (who has no friends). So I did what I think any mature adult would do -- I thanked him, not only in words, but by doing things like having him over for a home cooked meal. I don't think there's anything weird about that. That's what normal, decent people do. Selfish children grab and take and never say thank you. Adults understand that being grateful is part of what makes us human.

No, I did not help her with her recovery because I wanted to be a hero. I helped because I was very afraid she was going to die, because she was doing about $750 to $1,000 in heroin per week. That does not make me some kind of narcissist. I think helping someone who needs help makes you a good person. I sure as hell don't feel guilty about helping her. This is the first time she's been in recovery in her life. You know what? I'll just cop to it. I feel proud that I helped. When the world is such that you're supposed to feel bad somehow when you help someone get in recovery, that is ****** up. Does the addict have to want the recovery in the end? Sure. But sometimes they need a push at the beginning. There are plenty of addicts who got in recovery because they were "forced" to -- by the prison system, by interventions, by the threat of losing their kids. But in the end some of them still made it, even though the start of the process was involuntary. So pushing someone to get in recovery is not a bad thing, and it's ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

I understand most addicts are selfish people. I also recognize that many addicts are phenomenally immature. But I don't see why anyone should accept or encourage that behavior. If you really care about an addict, you should care enough to call them on their ********. Letting someone be a selfish jerk is not doing that person any favors.

I find a lot of people who say addicts have to be selfish. Really? I think they need to grow up. Being selfish is part of their problem. A person who keeps clean, but never changes her crappy behaviors, is not going to succeed in the long run.

Finally, if some (emphasize SOME) of the posters above never feel any resentment when someone in their lives is ungrateful, then you are truly angels, and may God bless you. Unfortunately, I am a mere human being, and when someone is that ungrateful, it does bug me and make me feel resentful. I posted not so I could be told what a schmuck I am, but to get hints on how to address feelings of resentment -- feelings that exist in the real world, whether anyone other than me will cop to it or not. Again, for the people who are too good to feel any resentment, congrats. But if there is another mere human here who can admit to feelings of resentment, and has ideas for how to address those feelings, I would love to hear from you.

zoso77

NJandy,

The following is only my opinion, and you are free to agree or disagree with it.

Part of what I feel my role is here at SR, both as a member and a community greeter, is to point out that as the loved ones of addicts, we have choices. A lot of men and women who pass through here sometimes forget that...mostly women, but sometimes men, too.

In my original response to your post, I pointed out your choices: to fund your AGF's rehab by using all your available funds and funds that were allocated for your retirement and your children's education. No one made you do this. You decided to do this on your own. And you've taken a hell of a gamble, NJandy, and one where the ones aren't in your favor.

The assumption you're making is the addict can successfully absorb being called out. That's not how it works. The addict does not give a sh*t what we think of them. The addict only cares about the next high, and to achieve that next high, they will do anything: lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, etc. And they do so without remorse. Their eyes look one direction and one direction only: inward.

What I have learned is if we really care about the addict, we allow whatever is supposed to happen to them happen. We get out of their way. We let go. And a lot of times, it doesn't go well. For them.

You're right, but they have to grow up on their own. It's not our job to make them grow up.

But you want to talk about resentment. OK.

Based on what you did for her, you have every right to feel the way you feel. What I'm trying to tell you is your AGF doesn't give a sh*t what you did for her. It wasn't her money. It wasn't her retirement funds, or her tuition money. If it were, she'd buy drugs with it. It was your money. The truth is if someone else had done what you did for her, she'd act the same way. And based on what I know to be true about addicts, her lack of gratitude doesn't surprise me at all.

Do you think, for example, that Ann's son appreciated everything she tried to do for him? She did a lot, and got herself sick as a result. He's still out there doing God knows what. Is he dead? Is he alive? No one knows.

Another example is njw1968's 18 year old son. Go read her story. Do you think he appreciated the fact that time and time again, she took him back into her home? He thanked her by stealing from her.

I took back my AXGF three separate times after deplorable behavior from her (overdoses, suicidal threats, etc). How did she show her gratitude? By breaking up with me while I was at work via text message for some dude in NA. She sent a picture of her and the new guy, too, plus confessed to f*cking other men while she was with me with glee.

I can tell you with a high degree of certainty that your AGF won't change. But you can. And the way you change is by looking at your choices and getting honest with yourself about why you did what you did. Your resentment, as I understand resentment, is a function of your expectations of her given what you did for her not being met. The best way to deal with it is to let it go and not let it eat you up. What's done is done. If you need to vent to friends, or vent here, fine. But don't expect her to be a receptive audience.

Take care.

AnvilheadII

When someone does something for you, you should be grateful

says who? sure does our society operate better when we all "just get along"? but NO ONE is conscripted to behaving in a certain way, it's that free will thing. thank you is good manners but is not a requirement.

I had a miserable drive home tonite in Friday nite rainy Seattle traffic - I did my part to obey traffic signals and cooperate but a lot of others did NOT. the guy behind me was super pissed that I didn't just gun my car and slip in between the 18" of distance between the other cars coming from the other direction trying to turn on to the same street. I've had drivers lay on the horn because I let the HUMANS cross the street before proceeding.

so who's RIGHT? me or the guy laying on the horn? if you ask each of us we would say WE were right. hell, maybe his boss made him stay late at work and he needed to pick up his kid from school. maybe he had bladder control issues and really needed to move along. maybe he or she was just a jerk and thought they owned the road.

Letting someone be a selfish jerk is not doing that person any favors.

letting? like you have control over how someone else behaves? if that is so why aren't you taking your complaints directly TO your partner - why after all you have done FOR HER are you LETTING HER be a selfish jerk?

no one here said they were above resentment....only that we have seen and learned that our resentments come from within....certain expectations we have on how OTHERS SHOULD behave. that can set up a whole lotta frustration. cuz people are who they are and will do what they do - a mix of kindness and evil and humility and genius and lethargy and leadership. and everything in between. your person is showing you who she is....before when she was loaded and now that she is in very early sobriety.

it can take years of recovery before the effects really take hold.....I remember for myself, at 3 years sober I was thought i was in pretty good shape, but by five years old I felt like I truly just woke up and found myself an ADULT. like I woke up out of a dream or a coma. in fact the day of my 5th sober BD was when I got the call from the hospital...my mom had been admitted and was suffering from late stage alcoholism. kinda rude to ruin my BD like that! that was april 19....she was dead by the end of june, just shy of her 59th birthday. her liver just up and quit.

she SHOULD have sobered up....for ME, her only child.
she SHOULD have sobered up....for my daughter, her only grandchild.
she SHOULD have appreciated the five years of sobriety I had achieved.
she SHOULD be here now, not just a photo on the shelf.

ladyscribbler

Regular adults don't get involved with an addict and expect a fulfilling relationship. Not criticizing you here, I did the same thing. But until you start truly working YOUR OWN recovery, you will be a willing participant in your own misery.
Through Alanon I have met many people living in long term sobriety- like multiple decades. The changes you are hoping to see in your gf might be a long time coming, or might not ever come.
50 some days is a drop in the bucket.
How do I deal with resentments? By putting down the magnifying glass and picking up the mirror.

Eauchiche

Dear Andy
I think your resentment is really coming from a wish that your girlfriend would just get well. Your anger presents as an issue with money and her ingratitude, but you are really asking : "Why can't she just GET OVER all this and come back to me????!!!!!"

I am right there with you. I have to constantly remind myself that my mate is not capable of being there for me. He acts like you describe your girlfriend acting.

After 9 months in my program, all I can say, is get into a program and work on yourself. I am sorry you are dealing with all this. We are here for you.

Impurrfect

I have to agree with what others here have told you.

Like it or not, you had expectations of what your AGF should feel, do, etc.

I'm both a recovering addict (RA) as well as a recovering codependent, as are others here.

You want gratitude. That is an expectation. You are not an A (addict), from what I see, and you have no idea what it is to be one.

You spent a lot of money to get her well. I sense that you also wanted appreciation for what you did for her.

It doesn't always happen. I spent a ton of money and time on my loved ones who are A's.

What I've learned in recovery: Expectations can bring you down. Just because YOU want a certain response, doesn't mean it will happen. I've learned that if I do something to help someone, I need to do it with NO expectations.

People will not always respond in the way I think appropriate, and I need to accept that. If I can't? I don't support, whether it be money or otherwise.

I don't want to sound harsh, but I've learned my lessons the hard way. I either give because I can and have no expectations of a "thank you" or anything similar, or I don't give.

I had to learn this lesson by trial and error over many years. I had to forgive myself for expecting more...I'm human. I had to become "hard" in the eyes of several, but the bottom line was that I had to do what was best for ME, not them, despite how much I loved them.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

NJandy

Zozo77 -- just so you understand, I actually was not referring to your post. I actually like your posts (including the one you first did on this thread), I think they're almost uniformly funny and insightful, even if I don't agree with everything you say. FYI, I am sure you know this, but you have what I would call "issues" because of your obviously horrible experience with your ex-girlfriend. She sounds like quite an awful person. But not everyone is that bad. To me, from reading your several posts, your ex sounds like her real problem was less about being an addict, and more about being a creep. Not all addicts have identical personalities.

I agree with you an actively using junkie cannot hear outside criticism. They can't hear anything. I don't agree an addict in recovery (even "early" recovery_ is equally impervious. My girlfriend clearly can accept some criticism at this juncture. She has -- without me saying anything -- come to acknowledge that some of her behaviors were totally irrational and out of line (e.g, when she went off on me on a series of F bombs when I refused to help get out her out of detox AMA). It is also possible (at times) to be factual with her. When we both attended an IOP meeting and she told the meeting that she'd been going to NA meetings 3 to 4 times a week (reality: no NA meetings in the prior 10 days), I was able to get a breakthrough when at a break I asked her if she could remember the last meeting she had actually attended. It took a while for the wheels of her brain to turn, but she did finally realize she had just lied to a roomful of people (and to herself).

Respectfully, I think the jury is still out on whether she can change or not. She's in early recovery. She might fail, she might succeed. So I don't think anyone can say with "a high degree of certainty" that she "won't change." I have friends who are first time winners, and not five time losers. Relapse is not a necessary part of recovery. She might change, and in the process of changing, she can be receptive to criticism. Constructive criticism is a good thing.

AnvilheadII -- Sorry, I don't think we're going to see eye to eye. My world view is not "every man for himself." My view is "we're all in this together" or to take the more traditional phrase, "treat thy neighbor as thyself." We do have obligations to each other. There are things we "should" and things we "should not" do. It's called morality. We do "owe" other people certain things, and they "owe" us things too. I know there is a stream of thought by some NA/AA/Nar-Anon/Al-Anon practitioners that says we're all on our own. I don't buy it; I never will; and I don't think it is actually a part of the 12 step process, at least as stated in the original literature. Saying you can't "control" another person's behavior (which is clearly true) is not the same thing as saying you should not "expect" anything from another person's behavior (which is clearly false).

Ladyscribbler: I go to al-anon and nar-anon meetings (have been going regularly since she was in detox). I go to therapy twice a week. I am working on myself. Again, my original post was just about how to deal with the resentment of ingratitude. It's a fair question. Wishing it away hasn't worked (for me). There might be various approaches that would work. And I was (and am) genuinely curious how people deal with those resentments in their own process -- what they actually do, not just the oft expressed view that you have to "let them go." I am considering my own suggestion of writing a letter I never send. I was able to get past her constant lying through a similar method.

waitingforhope

I understand your expectations as a reasonable person. Of course you would like a simple "Thank you" and under normal circumstances in another situation, that would be expected. I bet you'd like an apology too for everything she put you through. I certainly would like one but realistically, I know my AH just can't do it. So it is what it is and I just have to accept it.

As an addict, even one in the process of recovery, a very new recovery I might add, your girlfriend isn't capable of being totally rational, reasonable or selfless for that matter. Neither of you are in "normal" circumstances by any means. And yes, she very much needs to be selfish right now about focusing on herself and her recovery. Any small amount of pressure on her otherwise that potentially could make her feel anything she's not equipped yet to cope with, could cause her to relapse. She knows she's still teetering on the edge of a cliff emotionally. You need to decide if your well being can handle the indefinite amount of time she needs before she can really be there as a real partner for you.

I sense that anger at her and her addiction is underneath all this. The financial stuff is just the part of the iceberg that is sticking out of the water. It's the stuff underneath that no one can see that is the real struggle. And it's totally okay to be furious both at her and the addiction. It's completely normal for a non - addict to resent those things. I'm completely enraged at my AH too. So what are you going to do about dealing with it though? These emotions are the stuff we as the enablers have to work on. The best thing for you to do is intensive self care in that respect. If you need to, be a little selfish in that. Get it all out but not on her. She's too delicate right now to handle it with success possibly. You just concentrate on putting all that energy into focusing on how you can get past those feelings that are hurting you right now.

Needabreak

So you not only brought an addict into your kids' life, but you also raided your kids' college fund -- to help someone who isn't even related to them. And you come here to preach to others here about morality?

Sorry, I don't see your actions as moral at all. Dude, the moral action would be to ALWAYS put your kids first.

By paying for this woman's recovery you have limited your kids' options. and then you complain that she is not appreciative enough, . You are scratching some itch that lets you feel a: better than others, and b: like a martyr. Lots of psychological payoff in that for you, I would imagine. Codependent selfishness run amok, from my point of view.

waitingforhope

We must have been writing at about the same time. I just read your new post. I think anger and resentment again are expected feelings we are just going to have to deal with in regards to our addicts. It's a process that takes time. It's a part of grieving. You have to go through it.

So since your going to Ala-non, Nar-anon and doing therapy, I think your on the right path. Just slow down a bit though maybe in the expectations of yourself and of her. It's going to take as long as it needs to for you to just get past it.

I go to therapy too and my counselor has me writing letters as well. I have written a goodbye to my AH, letters expressing my anger, a "Hello" to my new life, a letter to my good memories of my marriage and one to my bad memories, letters to my kids telling them I'm sorry that I kept them in this situation, a letter to my guilt. It's a safe way to fully express what you truly feel without any fear of judgment. You can say anything you want and still feel safe.

Yes your addict may be able to tolerate some criticism right now, but you don't want to keep adding to that so there's a build up effect. Don't tiptoe around her but try not to unload anything without knowing for sure she has the tool yet to fix it. What you see her doing outwardly isn't necessarily yet what she really can handle inside. Acknowledging an awareness of something doesn't mean one feels its full impact or consequences. My AH used to acknowledge all the time how his verbal abuse hurt my kids and I. That didn't stop it.

If you reread your post you acknowledge as well that her lack of attending her meetings when you pointed it out took a bit to process before she had a "realization" of what she was doing. This is how things are going to be for a long time any time there is something she needs to confront. Maybe the real issue is how you can tell for what and when should you hold her accountable? One thing that actually helps me is rereading what I post here. Really digging into what I myself have said and then taking what's working and continuing it and then being honest with myself where I might be struggling and then trying to tackle those things one at a time.

zoso77

Thank you. And fair enough.

My AXGF is what is known as a Borderline Personality. Conservatively, 50% of patients diagnosed with BPD have substance abuse issues. So, yes, she's a piece of work, and that's putting it mildly.

It's funny...a month ago, I took a buddy of mine out to dinner, and he's been going through stuff with his ex-girlfriend. She's not what I would consider well put together and really has nothing to offer, and I've made this known to my buddy every so often. And he called me a cynic at dinner, based on my experiences with my AXGF.

But here's the thing, NJandy. I'm not a cynic and I don't have issues. What I am is a) a pragmatist, and b) a realist.

In the context of a romantic relationship, we have expectations of how the person we're involved with will behave. And what I have come to believe is we can't judge a person by their words. We should judge them by their actions.

Most of the people who pass through here are in various stages of denial. Denial, at its worst, is a defense mechanism that will prevent us from looking at something for what it really is. In my case, when my AXGF did what she did, my denial was removed once and for all. There was no longer any ambiguity regarding her character or her makeup. And I said, effectively, thank you very much, and have gone on to have a really good life thus far.

Mothers of addict children also experience denial in one form or another. It's heartbreaking to read about. And the reason why I brought up Ann was to provide an example of someone who went through the fire and accepted the situation with her son as something she could not influence. She's no longer in denial about that. He is what he is, and it is no longer her problem.

When we care about someone, or we have expectations of someone, and they act up, we often say to ourselves, Maybe this time they'll smarten up. But with addicts, most of the time that does not happen. It is a lot of hard work to become a responsible, accountable adult in this world. Someone in active addiction, or someone abstaining but not in recovery, is neither responsible or accountable. They go through their day-to-day lives focused exclusively on tickling the pleasure centers in their brains, and they don't care about the consequences. They don't, on average, want to do the work necessary to live well.

Well, here's where we differ. I can say this and feel confident in making that statement. I did not say that she will not recover. What I did infer that in probabilistic terms, the chances aren't in her favor. Why do I believe this? Because I, too, have been in Al Anon and Nar Anon, and I've been here almost 3 years, and I have enough anecdotal evidence to support my statement.

With that being said, I would love to be wrong in the case of your AGF. If she goes on and becomes a healthier, accountable person and, subsequently, a committed, mature romantic partner, I will be extremely happy for both of you.

But based on what you have shared thus far about her, I'm not confident that will happen. We have to judge people by their actions. What you've done for her, in one sense, is an extraordinary gesture. I believe you did it with the very best of intentions.

But I do not believe it was in your best interests to do it. And if she's not showing any gratitude now, I don't believe she ever will based on her behavior thus far.

At any rate, I hope it works out for you. And if at any time you'd like to PM me, I'll be happy to chat.

Z

greeteachday

Your question is how to deal with the resentments you feel that she hasn't shown appreciation for what you have done. I like your idea of first trying to write it all out and not send it. That focuses on your feelings, not on changing her and "making" her grateful. If that doesn't relieve your resentments, maybe it is time to have a conversation - not in anger or at the time when you are most filled with resentments, since in all likelihood all that will do is put both of you on the defensive. I think if it was me and neither things changed her attitude, I would start thinking about what I am getting out of this relationship.

I remember once when I felt I was being manipulated and was experiencing tons of resentment about it, going to a Naranon meeting where we each chose a topic and a reading. Since manipulation was on my mind, I turned to a reading on this topic. The eye opener for me was that the reading wasn't about being manipulated...it really helped me see how I manipulated. I say this not to imply you are manipulating, but to commend you for looking to yourself and what you can do to address the feelings that you have and the actions you choose, rather than how you can change her.