How do you stop the manipulation and enabling?

Old 11-19-2014, 02:58 PM
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How do you stop the manipulation and enabling?

I have posted before. I have a 20yr. old son who is now doing a dual major in college and completing a 1 1/2 semesters ahead of his normal graduation date. He worked for my dad over the summer doing odd things because he could not seem to get a job. He was hired but failed the drug test so that was the end of that. Since then he has used up all of his earnings. Tried getting a job on campus but was told his financial aid was not great enough. He has put applications out but nothing. My son does weed. He was drinking excessively but has cut that back. Except for last week the only money he had was for a case of beer. He has been having a string of bad luck and has been suffering from anxiety and depression so that doesn't help. He does very well in college. He is also taking 4 classes over the 6 week college break over the holidays. When I mentioned some jobs I seen advertised last night, I got "well I am saving you 3 semesters of room and board for graduating early". I can't get a job with my class schedule.... I don't like that he does weed as much as he does. That is all he ever spends his money on. He buys his girlfriend nothing.
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Old 11-19-2014, 03:05 PM
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he's demonstrated that he is PERFECTLY capable of achieving what he is motivated to achieve. and that he's no dummy. his argument about no time to get/have a job is super lame, since withe his classload he shouldn't be getting drunk and stoned either!!! but that is HIS Priority. i'm curious if he is NOT working and does NOT have an income how is he paying for weed?

i feel like i've posted this before........
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Old 11-19-2014, 03:07 PM
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The anxiety and depression?

That's caused by the substance abuse. That's an excuse to keep using.


And I have posted this before...
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Old 11-20-2014, 01:52 AM
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He worked for my dad this past summer and sold things on craigs list for him and they gave him a percentage. He used up his savings and is just recently broke. His birthday was in October and he sold the gift cards for cash. He worked for a guy online as a side job and made some cash as well. He has all A's and B's in his 24 credit load. He is no dumby except for being able to see what this is doing to himself. I apologize if I posted this before. I will not post again.
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Old 11-20-2014, 03:29 AM
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hummingbird, you can post as much as you like. Of course you're concerned about your son, but I'm afraid it's out of your control, unless something you're doing is actively helping him. I actually understand his argument about not working but taking classes instead. As long as he's still achieving good results, he will be gaining qualifications and using your support wisely.
Maybe you need to think about what you will do if his results begin to suffer. Will you go on supporting him?
Like any parent, you don't want to see him struggling with substance abuse, but this is a struggle he will have to work out for himself. All you can do is stop paying for it if he's no longer committed to his studies.
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Old 11-20-2014, 05:25 AM
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If he's living with you, you can tell him no drug use in your home.

IMHO, it's an uphill battle with pot use as it becomes legalized in some states. Young people are growing up believing there's nothing wrong with it b/c it's legal in some states (and just a matter of time in other states) and "not addictive."

My house my rules, I don't care how old you are!

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Old 11-29-2014, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by hummingbird1094 View Post
I have posted before. I have a 20yr. old son who is now doing a dual major in college and completing a 1 1/2 semesters ahead of his normal graduation date. He worked for my dad over the summer doing odd things because he could not seem to get a job. He was hired but failed the drug test so that was the end of that. Since then he has used up all of his earnings. Tried getting a job on campus but was told his financial aid was not great enough. He has put applications out but nothing. My son does weed. He was drinking excessively but has cut that back. Except for last week the only money he had was for a case of beer. He has been having a string of bad luck and has been suffering from anxiety and depression so that doesn't help. He does very well in college. He is also taking 4 classes over the 6 week college break over the holidays. When I mentioned some jobs I seen advertised last night, I got "well I am saving you 3 semesters of room and board for graduating early". I can't get a job with my class schedule.... I don't like that he does weed as much as he does. That is all he ever spends his money on. He buys his girlfriend nothing.
I'm with anvil on this-where is the money coming from and the anxiety and depression probably come from alcohol and drug abuse. And by the way was he formally diagnosed as having depression or anxiety? The problem one around keeps on talking about 'his' depression when trying to drum sympathy for money. He keeps cycling on and off peds/steroids and wonders about his moods-duh.

Sometimes the smart ones are too "smart" for their own good. Life is not in the class room or mapped out like a course syllabus. Sounds like your son has a lot of raw talent. But unless it is developed and coincides with a steady maturing process he could wind up one of the many that could've been or could've had-the world is full of them.

The problem one here also has many an excuse for not getting "a" job. At least your son is 20 years old with time to mature and progress. We're getting the same attitude from a middle aged man more than twice his age. Nip the problem in the bud NOW. Time can cure or change some things but it also allows things to get worse.

GOOD LUCK!
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