What Does A Recovered Addict Look Like?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6
What Does A Recovered Addict Look Like?
Hi everyone – I am new to this forum and have been reading for weeks now.
Our story: My 20 yo son is a heroin addict. He began around 15 with pot for about 3 years, switched to percs for about 2 and for the last 3 months started heroin. He was using for 2 months without me knowing and started shooting for 3 weeks and I found out.
At the end of of September we shipped him off to a rehab in FL for 30 days. We made arrangements for him to go to a long term recovery/sober-living for 6 months upon his return. He ditched the driver the day he flew back, a friend picked him up at the airport and they proceeded to get high. Came home crying and said he would go to the place. We drove him there, he stayed one night, had friends pick him up and proceeded to get high. He called home crying that he wants to recover so we sent him to a 5 day detox because at this point the place could not take him unless he was clean. After 5 days and much suboxone later, we picked him up drove him back to the place, he lasted an hour.
We washed our hands, talked about where to bury him, cremation, who would attend (maybe too dramatic but my husband and I were now convinced he would be on the street and we would get the call). 3 hours later He calls, said he did shoot up but it didn’t really take because of the suboxone still in his system. He cried and begged us to help and we had him come home to talk. Trust me, after our funeral conversation, I just wanted to see him. We told him he has to go somewhere and he agreed. We kept him home for 5 days. We found a place that isn’t a long-term place (although they do have that option) but they completely work the 12 steps. In fact, that is all they are about. This place is beautiful, expensive and all run by recovered addicts. They told me 20 year old, unwilling kids is what they do…He is there now.
The day we brought him he had made plans to leave with a friend. He was tortured and didn’t know what to do. He ended up not going with the friend and allowed us to take him. So, now I am concerned that it was more for us than for him. Although the place assures us that not every addict who recovers comes skipping up the walkway to renounce a life of drugs.
Anyway, when I found out about the heroin, I poked around on POAs blogs and read until my eyes bled. So much sadness, some happiness, some beyond horrendous. I happened upon one called The Privileged Addict, written from the point of view of a recovered addict. I was mesmerized and read every word. I ordered his book, read that. I bought the Big Book of AA, read that and for the first time thought that there could be hope in the 12 steps. I was fired up to start..but wait…I’m not the addict.
When my son came back from FL I gave him the book The Privileged Addict and he read it in a few days. He loved it. During his stints home from FL we’ve talked about the 12 steps, the Big Book and The PA book. I can see that he understands how it could work. Just not sure he has what it actually takes. It is a frickin' lot of work to stay sober.
So now…He has been in this retreat (the same one, incidentally, where the author of the book went. I emailed him and asked.) working the 12 steps. I spoke with him last night and he is saying all the right stuff (parroting?) I’ve heard so much crap, not sure I will ever believe him. I told him it is all about right ACTION now, not words.
I did read the post 6,8,10 times and I get it…we’ve just started. I will never believe that this is it, that his recovery could happen this fast. Especially when 2 days ago he was sitting on my bed telling me he can’t imagine not doing drugs, that he wants to do it. However, I can’t have him come home and say to him – okay, so now you have to leave and get high a few more times so when you call me crying on the 11th time, I will believe you really want help. I have to believe each time could be the time, right?
If the answer is in fact, yes, you do need to believe him until you discover he's using again, when he comes home after his stay, what do we do? I know we can’t really DO anything to keep him sober, I’ve learned that much, but can we work with him and point him in the direction of things that might help? We did tell him to make a list of the things he needed to do to make life comfortable for us. He absolutely agreed. He knows I was a neurotic mess before finding the heroin because I just knew. I hate playing the spy, eavesdropping, snooping. So, his job is to come up with what will make me and his father comfortable. I do know a recovered addict needs to put other’s needs above their own so he will have to do some service, but other than going to meetings, working with a sponsor, what else can a recovered addict do? I don’t think getting a job right out is a good idea but maybe taking a class? I wish he would go into a sober living home. But, is that always necessary?
Once a person is truly committed to recovery, what have you seen them do?
He doesn’t drive so I would have to be responsible for making sure he gets places. Did I mention I have 3 other children? And yes, he is aware that at the first sign of anything amiss, he will be asked to leave.
Our story: My 20 yo son is a heroin addict. He began around 15 with pot for about 3 years, switched to percs for about 2 and for the last 3 months started heroin. He was using for 2 months without me knowing and started shooting for 3 weeks and I found out.
At the end of of September we shipped him off to a rehab in FL for 30 days. We made arrangements for him to go to a long term recovery/sober-living for 6 months upon his return. He ditched the driver the day he flew back, a friend picked him up at the airport and they proceeded to get high. Came home crying and said he would go to the place. We drove him there, he stayed one night, had friends pick him up and proceeded to get high. He called home crying that he wants to recover so we sent him to a 5 day detox because at this point the place could not take him unless he was clean. After 5 days and much suboxone later, we picked him up drove him back to the place, he lasted an hour.
We washed our hands, talked about where to bury him, cremation, who would attend (maybe too dramatic but my husband and I were now convinced he would be on the street and we would get the call). 3 hours later He calls, said he did shoot up but it didn’t really take because of the suboxone still in his system. He cried and begged us to help and we had him come home to talk. Trust me, after our funeral conversation, I just wanted to see him. We told him he has to go somewhere and he agreed. We kept him home for 5 days. We found a place that isn’t a long-term place (although they do have that option) but they completely work the 12 steps. In fact, that is all they are about. This place is beautiful, expensive and all run by recovered addicts. They told me 20 year old, unwilling kids is what they do…He is there now.
The day we brought him he had made plans to leave with a friend. He was tortured and didn’t know what to do. He ended up not going with the friend and allowed us to take him. So, now I am concerned that it was more for us than for him. Although the place assures us that not every addict who recovers comes skipping up the walkway to renounce a life of drugs.
Anyway, when I found out about the heroin, I poked around on POAs blogs and read until my eyes bled. So much sadness, some happiness, some beyond horrendous. I happened upon one called The Privileged Addict, written from the point of view of a recovered addict. I was mesmerized and read every word. I ordered his book, read that. I bought the Big Book of AA, read that and for the first time thought that there could be hope in the 12 steps. I was fired up to start..but wait…I’m not the addict.
When my son came back from FL I gave him the book The Privileged Addict and he read it in a few days. He loved it. During his stints home from FL we’ve talked about the 12 steps, the Big Book and The PA book. I can see that he understands how it could work. Just not sure he has what it actually takes. It is a frickin' lot of work to stay sober.
So now…He has been in this retreat (the same one, incidentally, where the author of the book went. I emailed him and asked.) working the 12 steps. I spoke with him last night and he is saying all the right stuff (parroting?) I’ve heard so much crap, not sure I will ever believe him. I told him it is all about right ACTION now, not words.
I did read the post 6,8,10 times and I get it…we’ve just started. I will never believe that this is it, that his recovery could happen this fast. Especially when 2 days ago he was sitting on my bed telling me he can’t imagine not doing drugs, that he wants to do it. However, I can’t have him come home and say to him – okay, so now you have to leave and get high a few more times so when you call me crying on the 11th time, I will believe you really want help. I have to believe each time could be the time, right?
If the answer is in fact, yes, you do need to believe him until you discover he's using again, when he comes home after his stay, what do we do? I know we can’t really DO anything to keep him sober, I’ve learned that much, but can we work with him and point him in the direction of things that might help? We did tell him to make a list of the things he needed to do to make life comfortable for us. He absolutely agreed. He knows I was a neurotic mess before finding the heroin because I just knew. I hate playing the spy, eavesdropping, snooping. So, his job is to come up with what will make me and his father comfortable. I do know a recovered addict needs to put other’s needs above their own so he will have to do some service, but other than going to meetings, working with a sponsor, what else can a recovered addict do? I don’t think getting a job right out is a good idea but maybe taking a class? I wish he would go into a sober living home. But, is that always necessary?
Once a person is truly committed to recovery, what have you seen them do?
He doesn’t drive so I would have to be responsible for making sure he gets places. Did I mention I have 3 other children? And yes, he is aware that at the first sign of anything amiss, he will be asked to leave.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Kendi,
Woulda, shoulda, coulda...I've done that and it didn't work for me.
First, Welcome to SR, a place to feel safe and ask these questions you are asking.
Now, IMO you have given your son plenty of "chances" and opportunities to become
sober. The problem I see is that he doesn't really desire to become sober. He's not
ready and until he's ready, you are pleading on deaf ears, and I'm sorry to be so harsh.
What's important right now is getting F2F support for yourself. Talk to your Dr. Put all
this energy into you, and getting you healthy. Believe me, an active addict is very
resourceful and can take care of themselves, once the "mamma" tap has run dry.
What does a recovered addict look like?...hummm looks like anyone else does, minus the drug abuse.
Here's a hug that you might need! Please take care.
TF
Woulda, shoulda, coulda...I've done that and it didn't work for me.
First, Welcome to SR, a place to feel safe and ask these questions you are asking.
Now, IMO you have given your son plenty of "chances" and opportunities to become
sober. The problem I see is that he doesn't really desire to become sober. He's not
ready and until he's ready, you are pleading on deaf ears, and I'm sorry to be so harsh.
What's important right now is getting F2F support for yourself. Talk to your Dr. Put all
this energy into you, and getting you healthy. Believe me, an active addict is very
resourceful and can take care of themselves, once the "mamma" tap has run dry.
What does a recovered addict look like?...hummm looks like anyone else does, minus the drug abuse.
Here's a hug that you might need! Please take care.
TF
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Agree with Twofish...have been there; done that 3 times. Two are working their ways through functional lives now...but didn't stop until they were good and ready...last one is 22 and is not ready and she went no contact because the mom manipulation card ran dry.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. You've come to a very good place. And now, to answer your question as best I can:
In my own personal experience, with a sick but abstaining ex girlfriend, she never embraced the fundamental principles of recovery. Principles like accepting responsibility, honest introspection about her behavior and choices...stuff like that. If someone isn't using, but their behavior is still f'ed up, that's not recovery. My AXGF's behavior was sadistic, self indulgent, and indifferent to the consequences. So, that's what recovery doesn't look like.
We have a member named AnvilHead who's in recovery. My hope is she'll pipe in at some point tonight. When she does, pay attention. She's a straight shooter with little patience or tolerance for BS, and you'll learn a lot from her words.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Once a person is truly committed to recovery, what have you seen them do?
We have a member named AnvilHead who's in recovery. My hope is she'll pipe in at some point tonight. When she does, pay attention. She's a straight shooter with little patience or tolerance for BS, and you'll learn a lot from her words.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
What is the reasoning behind you and your family taking him back into your home after this little rehab experiment?
Your other children and you and your husband deserve peace in your home. The addict-baby has had way too many chances already.
He can go to a sober living house and you can visit him at a restaurant for lunch once a week. He is not benefitting from getting to call all the shots all the time. Someone has to say "uncle". You can be that person. Continuing to pick him up is keeping him and all of you sick. At this point he has to earn back his rights to be involved with this family.
Your other children and you and your husband deserve peace in your home. The addict-baby has had way too many chances already.
He can go to a sober living house and you can visit him at a restaurant for lunch once a week. He is not benefitting from getting to call all the shots all the time. Someone has to say "uncle". You can be that person. Continuing to pick him up is keeping him and all of you sick. At this point he has to earn back his rights to be involved with this family.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6
To answer biminiblue...I guess we took him back both times because he was saying he wanted help. Yes, he was high but we weren't sure that we should have told him no and kicked him to the curb, as he is telling us how f'ed up he is and that he has no control. What does "good and ready" look like? We are new to this and are learning.
After he walked out the second time and we took him in, we told him that this is the last time we will give him a bed and once he's clean we will be willing to send him to another rehab (it's a different one) and that if he doesn't go willingly then he can leave with his friend. His friend was waiting in the street. He chose to go to this new place and was 6 days sober when he made the decision. You could see that it was actually a tough decision for him.
Now, only 3 days in he's at least committed to the two/four weeks this place says it takes to finish the steps. He has accomplished steps 1 and 2 at this point. He is willing to work all 7 before he leaves.
I guess in my previous post (sorry it was so long) I was just thinking more in terms of what actual, literal work have you noticed they can do (besides a job) to help keep them sober and not be so selfish? He will be coming back to his home. He told me tonight that it is his responsibility to get it right when he comes back, not mine. Yes, he has to earn his place.
Perhaps...More involvement with family, willing to do service, willing to take on tasks that require a lot of hard work, willingness to try new things ??? but like twofish said, an addict looks like anyone else minus the drugs.
Thank you all for your responses.
Looking forward to AnvilHead!
After he walked out the second time and we took him in, we told him that this is the last time we will give him a bed and once he's clean we will be willing to send him to another rehab (it's a different one) and that if he doesn't go willingly then he can leave with his friend. His friend was waiting in the street. He chose to go to this new place and was 6 days sober when he made the decision. You could see that it was actually a tough decision for him.
Now, only 3 days in he's at least committed to the two/four weeks this place says it takes to finish the steps. He has accomplished steps 1 and 2 at this point. He is willing to work all 7 before he leaves.
I guess in my previous post (sorry it was so long) I was just thinking more in terms of what actual, literal work have you noticed they can do (besides a job) to help keep them sober and not be so selfish? He will be coming back to his home. He told me tonight that it is his responsibility to get it right when he comes back, not mine. Yes, he has to earn his place.
Perhaps...More involvement with family, willing to do service, willing to take on tasks that require a lot of hard work, willingness to try new things ??? but like twofish said, an addict looks like anyone else minus the drugs.
Thank you all for your responses.
Looking forward to AnvilHead!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I also hope that Anvil will pop in. However, here's what THIS recovering addict looks like, heading into 8 years in recovery:
I work, pay my bills and am grateful to be able to. I finally moved out of my dad's house a few months ago (way older than your son, and too old to be living off dad) and rent a house.
I am grateful for even the smallest of things. There were so many times I didn't have "simple things" like a roof over my head or food to eat.
I'm both an RA and a recovering codie. I believe in letting the people I love deal with their consequences because that's how I found recovery.
I've been in jail, homeless, beaten and left on the side of the road. I lost a nursing career to addiction.
Today? I got a new degree and a new career. I am about to snuggle up with my 3 cats in my rented home, and look forward to going to work tomorrow. Car is a little old, but it's paid for and gets me where I need to go.
It took me a long time to get her, but I did get here. A lot of that was because people who loved me let me deal with consequences. I hated it at the time, but I will forever be grateful.
Anvil is one of the many people from SR who helped me get where I am. I hope you keep reading and posting, the people here are nothing short of amazing
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I work, pay my bills and am grateful to be able to. I finally moved out of my dad's house a few months ago (way older than your son, and too old to be living off dad) and rent a house.
I am grateful for even the smallest of things. There were so many times I didn't have "simple things" like a roof over my head or food to eat.
I'm both an RA and a recovering codie. I believe in letting the people I love deal with their consequences because that's how I found recovery.
I've been in jail, homeless, beaten and left on the side of the road. I lost a nursing career to addiction.
Today? I got a new degree and a new career. I am about to snuggle up with my 3 cats in my rented home, and look forward to going to work tomorrow. Car is a little old, but it's paid for and gets me where I need to go.
It took me a long time to get her, but I did get here. A lot of that was because people who loved me let me deal with consequences. I hated it at the time, but I will forever be grateful.
Anvil is one of the many people from SR who helped me get where I am. I hope you keep reading and posting, the people here are nothing short of amazing
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think where he is at he is learning exactly what he has to do to stay clean if that is what he chooses to do. I don't mean this in a hurtful way because I know you love your son and would do anything to help him but all that help isn't helping him. He doesn't need you directing his recovery, unless of course you yourself are a recovering addict and have used the tools taught to you to stay clean and are sharing your own experiences.
I disagree with you about nit working but taking a class instead. He needs to shoulder some responsibility. He doesn't need mommy driving him around, he needs to walk or bike to where he had to get to, after all it was his choices and actions that out him in this situation.
Give him space to work HIS own recovery and find your own recovery in nar-anon or al-alon.
I disagree with you about nit working but taking a class instead. He needs to shoulder some responsibility. He doesn't need mommy driving him around, he needs to walk or bike to where he had to get to, after all it was his choices and actions that out him in this situation.
Give him space to work HIS own recovery and find your own recovery in nar-anon or al-alon.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
What does a recovered addict look like? I'm one, and I look pretty darn good if I do say so myself.
Just popped in from the Alcoholism forum to give you a pat on the back and remind you that some of us who recover from addiction do indeed do move on to live healthy, full, rewarding lives. Yep, we exist! The one thing most "recovered" addicts I know have in common: they wanted to kick this habit for THEMSELVES. Not for my parents, not for my sister, not for my job...but for me. All the enthusiasm in the world from outside sources is great, but until I finally bought into the idea and really wanted to get sober, it didn't matter.
Your son can recover and lead a great life. Don't despair. The good people at this forum are just here to keep your expectations reasonable and realistic. There's nothing wrong with having high hopes though, as long as you're grounded. And don't forget to take care of YOU - that's what you can control. Good luck and enjoy the F&F forum, there is some great support here.
Just popped in from the Alcoholism forum to give you a pat on the back and remind you that some of us who recover from addiction do indeed do move on to live healthy, full, rewarding lives. Yep, we exist! The one thing most "recovered" addicts I know have in common: they wanted to kick this habit for THEMSELVES. Not for my parents, not for my sister, not for my job...but for me. All the enthusiasm in the world from outside sources is great, but until I finally bought into the idea and really wanted to get sober, it didn't matter.
Your son can recover and lead a great life. Don't despair. The good people at this forum are just here to keep your expectations reasonable and realistic. There's nothing wrong with having high hopes though, as long as you're grounded. And don't forget to take care of YOU - that's what you can control. Good luck and enjoy the F&F forum, there is some great support here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
When I first read this thread...I thought about what Anvil would say...
Shoot from the hip into the heart...with love.
She was extremely helpful to THIS Codie!
When she does find this thread, listen to what she says, very wise advice
plus she's the driver of the Codie bus...hang on tight!
More hugs to you!
TF
Shoot from the hip into the heart...with love.
She was extremely helpful to THIS Codie!
When she does find this thread, listen to what she says, very wise advice
plus she's the driver of the Codie bus...hang on tight!
More hugs to you!
TF
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 109
In short - Al anon -
I know it will not be the popular response, but like they tell people in the airplane - put on your breathing face mask, then assist the child or other. You will spin yourself around in circle after circle trying to get the addict to do what you want them too.
As an addict I can tell you, don't do it for me, don't make sure I do it, don't change you so I will do it. let ME suffer my consequences and when the pain of using is greater than the fear/pain of sobriety I will do what is needed.
I know it will not be the popular response, but like they tell people in the airplane - put on your breathing face mask, then assist the child or other. You will spin yourself around in circle after circle trying to get the addict to do what you want them too.
As an addict I can tell you, don't do it for me, don't make sure I do it, don't change you so I will do it. let ME suffer my consequences and when the pain of using is greater than the fear/pain of sobriety I will do what is needed.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Hi Kendi,
Recovery looks like different things to different people.. but what I saw with my husband was really just that he took responsibility for his health, worked with his doctors. and just began to live a healthy life, and once again began pursuing his career and family goals.
Im curious if your son has any underlying issues that your aware of? Any past traumas, or psychological issues that your aware of? In my opinion there is often something that precedes drug use.. and if there are underlying conditions these need to be addressed by a qualified doctor.
Family can actually be very important in recovery... but you do need to find a balance between supporting him, and allowing him to take responsibility.. this doesn't mean he has to be removed from your home, but there should be rules, boundaries, consequences... but you don't need to punish him for becoming addicted...
In your post you said your new to all this... I would suggest you do some reading from a site like National Institute of Drug Abuse... they have guidelines for treatment, aftercare, and a special section just for family and friends..
What to Do If Your Teen or Young Adult Has a Problem with Drugs | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
Introduction | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
Also, if you are wanting the opinions of people in recovery.. I would suggest take a broad approach.. go read over on the Substance Abuse forum and post there too.. Recovery is very possible, but it does need proper treatment for the best outcomes IMO... my husband has 2.5 years now from pain meds and various other drugs... he didn't use a 12 step program, but used therapy, cognitive behavioral approaches, etc. His life is basically normal now.. so please know there is hope.
If you son has interest in going back to school,. etc.. anything productive to his future this would be worth looking into.. just as long as he starts slowly to keep stress levels low while he adjusts. Look for things he views as positive and will find motivation in...
I would also suggest this book: Beyond Addiction, how science and kindness help people change.. Jeffrey Foote, PhD.... and to google the Community Reinforcement and Family Training Program... both very helpful to me...
Recovery looks like different things to different people.. but what I saw with my husband was really just that he took responsibility for his health, worked with his doctors. and just began to live a healthy life, and once again began pursuing his career and family goals.
Im curious if your son has any underlying issues that your aware of? Any past traumas, or psychological issues that your aware of? In my opinion there is often something that precedes drug use.. and if there are underlying conditions these need to be addressed by a qualified doctor.
Family can actually be very important in recovery... but you do need to find a balance between supporting him, and allowing him to take responsibility.. this doesn't mean he has to be removed from your home, but there should be rules, boundaries, consequences... but you don't need to punish him for becoming addicted...
In your post you said your new to all this... I would suggest you do some reading from a site like National Institute of Drug Abuse... they have guidelines for treatment, aftercare, and a special section just for family and friends..
What to Do If Your Teen or Young Adult Has a Problem with Drugs | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
Introduction | National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA)
Also, if you are wanting the opinions of people in recovery.. I would suggest take a broad approach.. go read over on the Substance Abuse forum and post there too.. Recovery is very possible, but it does need proper treatment for the best outcomes IMO... my husband has 2.5 years now from pain meds and various other drugs... he didn't use a 12 step program, but used therapy, cognitive behavioral approaches, etc. His life is basically normal now.. so please know there is hope.
If you son has interest in going back to school,. etc.. anything productive to his future this would be worth looking into.. just as long as he starts slowly to keep stress levels low while he adjusts. Look for things he views as positive and will find motivation in...
I would also suggest this book: Beyond Addiction, how science and kindness help people change.. Jeffrey Foote, PhD.... and to google the Community Reinforcement and Family Training Program... both very helpful to me...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Welcome to SR, Kendi. I am the mother of a 21 yo recovering heroin addict. Her addictions began to surface at 14, so it has been quite a journey. I first learned she used heroin when she overdosed in our home and nearly died. She spent five weeks in the hospital and is lucky to have her body intact, as they thought she may need to have one leg amputated. She didn't. And that experience was NOWHERE NEAR her "bottom." Hard to fathom.
Her first rehab stint two years ago lasted 28 days when she had 90 paid for. She never would speak to me about her recovery, and she didn't ask for anything. She also didn't fess up when she relapsed, choosing instead to leave the state. Homelessness, jail, no food, hitchhiking drama, increased heroin & meth use followed. I had to tell her in May she could not come home again until she was sober for a few months. What happened was different, but I had made my point very, very clearly. When I did let her home, she had and continues to have a huge amount of gratitude and does not take anything I do for granted.
Right now, three years later, she is living at home with us and is more than 4 months clean. I never thought this would happen, but it is working well. Here is what her recovery looks like: on methadone, attending intensive outpatient three days a week, going to NA meetings, leading an NA meeting, and participating fully in the upkeep of our house and caring for her dog very responsibly. Again, I never expected this to work, and for me, it is still a One Day at a Time kind of mental approach. She has re-enrolled in community college and applied for financial aid, so the plan now is for her to find an apartment in January.
As for me and my recovery, I learned how to manage my own feelings and behavior by attending NarAnon meetings regularly. The people there and SR really saved me from myself--from my funeral planning, anxiety, sleepless nights, distraction, and poor self-care. I talk openly about my meetings with my daughter, about MY recovery, about MY working the steps. Things have shifted. Neither of us takes anything for granted in the other.
Here are the questions I came up with and had my daughter answer in writing before she was allowed to come home (and she was the one to ask--I never offered it as even a possibility after 90 days in rehab). After she answered them, we came up with a contract that the whole family agreed upon and signed in the presence of a counselor.
1. Why do you want to be at home for this part of your recovery? What are your personal reasons/motivations, besides the fact that you don’t want to go to county-funded sober housing?
2. Since we are not set up to be a “sober house,” what are the risks for you here?
3. If you do live at home, what will your weekly schedule look like?
4. What are your goals for the time you will be living at home?
5. What will you contribute towards the household, time, chores, etc.?
6. What should the consequences be for you if you don’t follow through on your agreement with us?
7. What happens in the event of a relapse (on anything, not just heroin or meth)? What would you expect us to do or want us to do?
I wish you all the best, and really hope you will find a meeting or two to attend in your area. And remember, we are here for you.
Her first rehab stint two years ago lasted 28 days when she had 90 paid for. She never would speak to me about her recovery, and she didn't ask for anything. She also didn't fess up when she relapsed, choosing instead to leave the state. Homelessness, jail, no food, hitchhiking drama, increased heroin & meth use followed. I had to tell her in May she could not come home again until she was sober for a few months. What happened was different, but I had made my point very, very clearly. When I did let her home, she had and continues to have a huge amount of gratitude and does not take anything I do for granted.
Right now, three years later, she is living at home with us and is more than 4 months clean. I never thought this would happen, but it is working well. Here is what her recovery looks like: on methadone, attending intensive outpatient three days a week, going to NA meetings, leading an NA meeting, and participating fully in the upkeep of our house and caring for her dog very responsibly. Again, I never expected this to work, and for me, it is still a One Day at a Time kind of mental approach. She has re-enrolled in community college and applied for financial aid, so the plan now is for her to find an apartment in January.
As for me and my recovery, I learned how to manage my own feelings and behavior by attending NarAnon meetings regularly. The people there and SR really saved me from myself--from my funeral planning, anxiety, sleepless nights, distraction, and poor self-care. I talk openly about my meetings with my daughter, about MY recovery, about MY working the steps. Things have shifted. Neither of us takes anything for granted in the other.
Here are the questions I came up with and had my daughter answer in writing before she was allowed to come home (and she was the one to ask--I never offered it as even a possibility after 90 days in rehab). After she answered them, we came up with a contract that the whole family agreed upon and signed in the presence of a counselor.
1. Why do you want to be at home for this part of your recovery? What are your personal reasons/motivations, besides the fact that you don’t want to go to county-funded sober housing?
2. Since we are not set up to be a “sober house,” what are the risks for you here?
3. If you do live at home, what will your weekly schedule look like?
4. What are your goals for the time you will be living at home?
5. What will you contribute towards the household, time, chores, etc.?
6. What should the consequences be for you if you don’t follow through on your agreement with us?
7. What happens in the event of a relapse (on anything, not just heroin or meth)? What would you expect us to do or want us to do?
I wish you all the best, and really hope you will find a meeting or two to attend in your area. And remember, we are here for you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 6
Oh my...thank you all so much. These are the answers I was looking for. I do not want to direct his recovery (I actually don’t want any part of it except as a supportive parent) but I know that if he lives in my house he needs to set up his days to keep on his path. I just wasn’t sure how that looked.
He has agreed to come up with a list. And I guess I want to have one too. Like Gardenmama did…love the contract idea and will definitely do this.
I guess these were the answers I was hoping to find. Gardanmama I am so happy for your daughter. Thank you for your list of what her recovery looks like. Love that she participates in the upkeep of the home.
I do take care of myself. Yoga; meditation; very happy, joyful moments with my 3 other children who amaze me. But, yes, I will attend meetings, as well.
I believe my expectations are reasonable. Actually, I’m not sure if that is true unless expecting several more relapses is reasonable? He is such a bs-er that I’m truly worried he is just conning them during his stay to get home and resume his old behavior. But that remains to be seen. He told me last night that that would just be cheating himself. I guess I'm the same way, I don't believe it will work, and will take it one day at a time, too. So glad to read about what your recovered addicts look like and the work they put in to stay in recovery. There is hope.
He has agreed to come up with a list. And I guess I want to have one too. Like Gardenmama did…love the contract idea and will definitely do this.
I guess these were the answers I was hoping to find. Gardanmama I am so happy for your daughter. Thank you for your list of what her recovery looks like. Love that she participates in the upkeep of the home.
I do take care of myself. Yoga; meditation; very happy, joyful moments with my 3 other children who amaze me. But, yes, I will attend meetings, as well.
I believe my expectations are reasonable. Actually, I’m not sure if that is true unless expecting several more relapses is reasonable? He is such a bs-er that I’m truly worried he is just conning them during his stay to get home and resume his old behavior. But that remains to be seen. He told me last night that that would just be cheating himself. I guess I'm the same way, I don't believe it will work, and will take it one day at a time, too. So glad to read about what your recovered addicts look like and the work they put in to stay in recovery. There is hope.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by Kendi 
There is hope.
There is hope if you can fight the urge to believe what he says and let his actions speak.
I tried the merry-go-round and home warden methods you are currently enmeshed in. The resentments and frustration increase each go around.
Setting my son up in a SLE and paying for the first couple months is what it took to break the cycle. He has 3 1/2 years recovery and lord willing, it will be the same tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
I'm not going to answer your questions because everyone else is already going a terrific job at that. I just want you to know that obviously you are intelligent, compassionate, and very self aware. I believe you are on the path to loving detachment and will be strong and steadfast in lovingly letting go of your son and holding him responsible for his own recovery. When you feel like you may waiver come here and please find a Nar - Anon meeting or Ala - non meeting as well to also reinforce in you what you already know you need to do for your sake and his. Hugs and my prayers!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
He's 20 years old, lives at home, and doesn't drive. Does he go to school/college or something? Does he work? Sounds like he needs to grow up and take responsibility. Sounds like he's always had a safety net. I agree... encouragement is good. Enablement is not good.
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