Ohhh this is a long one...gotta get it off my chest
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Ohhh this is a long one...gotta get it off my chest
Hi, I'm new. I came here seeking support from those who understand the behavior of an addict. No one in my circle of friends, family, not even my counselor really understands what it's like to love an addict - I'm not an enabler, nor am I co-d. I just love someone who loves booze & drugs more than me & our kids.
We don't speak right now. I take care of our 18 month old and am 5 months pregnant with our second. He has other kids whom he sees regularly (I think) - their mom apparently is OK with leaving them in the hands of an alcoholic cocaine addict. The only reason I gave him the last "one more chance" was because he went to rehab for a bit, and I thought his sobriety would be the beginning of a new life for us. I was naive and unaware that he had a serious coke problem - I knew he drank but I thought it was because of all the crap he was going through with his ex. Boy, was I ever wrong. Before he went to rehab, he had a no contact order because he was charged with B&E at my place of residence - broke in at 2am while my son & I slept. I think the night he spent in jail was a catalyst.
We've been on again & off again for almost three years. I believe he loves me when he says he loves me. But I think his head is so messed up from the booze & coke after all of these years that he just can't have a "normal" life and be a reliable, loving partner. He's been ridiculously verbally & emotionally abusive to me, I've been through the ringer and back with him and now all I want is peace. I know we can't be together.
The last I saw him was over a month ago. I went to his house after working some overtime (I have my own business) and he flipped out at me because I went to my house first to change my clothing before heading over. I should mention that night we took all of the kids to a church supper with my family. Our son was staying with his grandma while I worked so he wasn't with me. As soon as he started flipping out and quizzing me on my whereabouts, I grabbed my shoes & purse & made for my car. He came outside & held the door open accusing me of taking off all of the time. Of course I take off, who needs that ****? Mature people don't talk to each other like that.
It's ridiculous, I am not sure if the mood swings are because he used that day, because he drank that day, or if he needs to drink or needs to do blow. I left. He showed up at my place two minutes after I pulled in, having left his other kids clear across town sleeping at home alone (all under the age of 10). He threatened me, told me he was coming back to see who I had coming over. 4 months pregnant with his child and this is how I get spoken to. Utterly vile. He begged me to go back, so I went back to chat and I left again. Pissed him off royally, and he went for my face while holding the door to my car open preventing me from leaving. Why should I have stayed? The kids must have heard him yelling and swearing at me on the phone and when I was there. It's shameful behavior on his part. It's abusive. I really don't think he's an abusive person when his brain is right.
Anyway, I detached. I did it a week and a half prior to that event as well, when he was drinking. Hiding the bottle in the shed, but not even the scent of vodka evades a pregnant woman's sense of smell! I told him then I was detaching, because I wanted to protect myself and our kids from the abuse of an alcoholic and it was up to him to get better, not me. He apologized and said he would renew his commitment to recovery - only to go out the following Monday night & not be heard from again until all was wonderful Wednesday morning and I was not to mention the fact that he "disappeared" because he felt so ashamed. What a crock. Can he even feel shame? Remorse? Any of that?
I feel so violated. I feel so disgusted by his actions. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world for having succumbed to his ******** for so long. I've been through so much. I've had my clothing burned while I was at work. He used to go through my phone & ask me about the most innocent conversations. Any time my phone rang, he'd bolt up & get it to see who was calling. I got a random text from an unknown number saying, "Hi" and he lost his mind. So jealous and controlling. Here I am, big belly and all, on my own. Coming in a distant second to his first loves. I am sure he's done some nasty things while high and it's just so revolting. I want to support him in his recovery, but I have a feeling when he contacts me next, I will be tempted to say some really cruel things to him. How he is a sad excuse for a human and all he is is an addict piece of **** who needs to **** right off and die already. It's horrible to feel that way about someone you love!!!
From what I've read on other forums, this behavior is typical coke head to a T. The lies, the disappearing, the controlling, the projecting of bad behavior onto someone who is behaving properly, the false accusations, the delusions. Reading stories about the behavior of others' addicts is opening my eyes. I've seen every single episode of Intervention. Although I can't identify with giving him money, bailing him out, etc (I've done quite the opposite but won't bother explaining because this is long enough already), I can identify with the ******, disrespectful behavior.
Some days are better than others. Some days I'm a strong pregnant woman who doesn't even give him one iota of head space. Other days my head is filled with him - not wondering where he is, what is doing, worrying, etc. - but mourning the loss of the man he showed me he could be. Mourning the loss of my hope, the loss of a father for our children. Coming to terms with the fact that he has a problem. A big one. One that's not caused by me nor can be cured by me, but that has turned my life topsy-turvy and left me to put the pieces back together. Today is a tough day. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far. Getting it off my chest makes is a bit of a relief, my apologies it's such a long post :/
We don't speak right now. I take care of our 18 month old and am 5 months pregnant with our second. He has other kids whom he sees regularly (I think) - their mom apparently is OK with leaving them in the hands of an alcoholic cocaine addict. The only reason I gave him the last "one more chance" was because he went to rehab for a bit, and I thought his sobriety would be the beginning of a new life for us. I was naive and unaware that he had a serious coke problem - I knew he drank but I thought it was because of all the crap he was going through with his ex. Boy, was I ever wrong. Before he went to rehab, he had a no contact order because he was charged with B&E at my place of residence - broke in at 2am while my son & I slept. I think the night he spent in jail was a catalyst.
We've been on again & off again for almost three years. I believe he loves me when he says he loves me. But I think his head is so messed up from the booze & coke after all of these years that he just can't have a "normal" life and be a reliable, loving partner. He's been ridiculously verbally & emotionally abusive to me, I've been through the ringer and back with him and now all I want is peace. I know we can't be together.
The last I saw him was over a month ago. I went to his house after working some overtime (I have my own business) and he flipped out at me because I went to my house first to change my clothing before heading over. I should mention that night we took all of the kids to a church supper with my family. Our son was staying with his grandma while I worked so he wasn't with me. As soon as he started flipping out and quizzing me on my whereabouts, I grabbed my shoes & purse & made for my car. He came outside & held the door open accusing me of taking off all of the time. Of course I take off, who needs that ****? Mature people don't talk to each other like that.
It's ridiculous, I am not sure if the mood swings are because he used that day, because he drank that day, or if he needs to drink or needs to do blow. I left. He showed up at my place two minutes after I pulled in, having left his other kids clear across town sleeping at home alone (all under the age of 10). He threatened me, told me he was coming back to see who I had coming over. 4 months pregnant with his child and this is how I get spoken to. Utterly vile. He begged me to go back, so I went back to chat and I left again. Pissed him off royally, and he went for my face while holding the door to my car open preventing me from leaving. Why should I have stayed? The kids must have heard him yelling and swearing at me on the phone and when I was there. It's shameful behavior on his part. It's abusive. I really don't think he's an abusive person when his brain is right.
Anyway, I detached. I did it a week and a half prior to that event as well, when he was drinking. Hiding the bottle in the shed, but not even the scent of vodka evades a pregnant woman's sense of smell! I told him then I was detaching, because I wanted to protect myself and our kids from the abuse of an alcoholic and it was up to him to get better, not me. He apologized and said he would renew his commitment to recovery - only to go out the following Monday night & not be heard from again until all was wonderful Wednesday morning and I was not to mention the fact that he "disappeared" because he felt so ashamed. What a crock. Can he even feel shame? Remorse? Any of that?
I feel so violated. I feel so disgusted by his actions. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world for having succumbed to his ******** for so long. I've been through so much. I've had my clothing burned while I was at work. He used to go through my phone & ask me about the most innocent conversations. Any time my phone rang, he'd bolt up & get it to see who was calling. I got a random text from an unknown number saying, "Hi" and he lost his mind. So jealous and controlling. Here I am, big belly and all, on my own. Coming in a distant second to his first loves. I am sure he's done some nasty things while high and it's just so revolting. I want to support him in his recovery, but I have a feeling when he contacts me next, I will be tempted to say some really cruel things to him. How he is a sad excuse for a human and all he is is an addict piece of **** who needs to **** right off and die already. It's horrible to feel that way about someone you love!!!
From what I've read on other forums, this behavior is typical coke head to a T. The lies, the disappearing, the controlling, the projecting of bad behavior onto someone who is behaving properly, the false accusations, the delusions. Reading stories about the behavior of others' addicts is opening my eyes. I've seen every single episode of Intervention. Although I can't identify with giving him money, bailing him out, etc (I've done quite the opposite but won't bother explaining because this is long enough already), I can identify with the ******, disrespectful behavior.
Some days are better than others. Some days I'm a strong pregnant woman who doesn't even give him one iota of head space. Other days my head is filled with him - not wondering where he is, what is doing, worrying, etc. - but mourning the loss of the man he showed me he could be. Mourning the loss of my hope, the loss of a father for our children. Coming to terms with the fact that he has a problem. A big one. One that's not caused by me nor can be cured by me, but that has turned my life topsy-turvy and left me to put the pieces back together. Today is a tough day. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far. Getting it off my chest makes is a bit of a relief, my apologies it's such a long post :/
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and a warm welcome to you.
I am so glad you are not allowing this to happen to you any longer. You love who he usto be, but that person is gone. This is who he is now, an abuser. The only thing I would say is that if he is abusing you, please call the police. Especially for the other children who are there with him. They are too young to advocate for themselves.
You deserve more. Your child and upcoming baby deserve more. You can do this, a moment at a time. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you are here.
I am so glad you are not allowing this to happen to you any longer. You love who he usto be, but that person is gone. This is who he is now, an abuser. The only thing I would say is that if he is abusing you, please call the police. Especially for the other children who are there with him. They are too young to advocate for themselves.
You deserve more. Your child and upcoming baby deserve more. You can do this, a moment at a time. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but very glad you are here.
Broken Heart of Gold
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 87
Thanks Hopeful. The police have been involved. 5 times in three years. They know him around town due to drunk & disorderly, driving under the influence. Too bad he has money because he always gets off the charges. I have a peace bond right now, which is the same as a restraining order due to him breaking into my house in the summer. He kicked the door in. Now I so much as get an unexpected knock and I'm on the horn to 911. I'm a strong, confident woman who refuses to let this man get to me. Not sure what he's looking for by abusing me, but he's not getting it, that's for sure!
My kids are #1. No way I want them exposed to that. The tough part is I know how much the little guy loves him and he truly loves the little guy back - just doesn't have it all together to be a dad or a partner. Cocaine is so evil. It takes a decent person and rips them to shreds until they don't even know who they are any more. Ugh.
Can't have a healthy relationship with someone who isn't healthy!
My kids are #1. No way I want them exposed to that. The tough part is I know how much the little guy loves him and he truly loves the little guy back - just doesn't have it all together to be a dad or a partner. Cocaine is so evil. It takes a decent person and rips them to shreds until they don't even know who they are any more. Ugh.
Can't have a healthy relationship with someone who isn't healthy!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
I'm sorry to hear what you've been through! That's great that you have decided to make a change. After breaking up with my AXBF, I found it useful to look back at the relationship and think about the red flags that I ignored. I certainly wasn't seeking an unhappy relationship, but looking back now I can see that I kept hanging on to the relationship long after he had shown me that he wasn't a good partner. It was useful for me to think this through because it allowed to think through what my boundaries will be in future relationships--in other words, what behavior I am and am not willing to accept in a relationship. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are right. When your little guy gets old enough you can explain to him that there are some people who have a disease that makes them make bad decisions and makes them sick. That these people you have to love from afar because their sickness makes them make bad decisions.
Hopefully he will choose to recover at some point, but if not you sound like a good and strong momma!
XXX
Hopefully he will choose to recover at some point, but if not you sound like a good and strong momma!
XXX
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