waitingforhope

I get him being angry with me. But how can he not contact our girls? He's just gone. I haven't spoken to him since the 6th. He just checks out of the hospital and disappears? Nothing, no word to them if he's safe? No worry from him that they might be worried about his heart? This is what my babies get? Just nothing? Now they are getting scared for him having heard nothing. They have their own phones, he could call both of them without even talking to me. They asked me if I've tried to contact him when everyone else has advised me not to just for our own safety. They want me to try to find him now that a bit of time has passed. They last saw him the week before he went into the hospital on the 5th. What do I tell my daughters? I get if he's pi$$ed I filed for divorce but what about them? How can he not contact them?

FeelingGreat

WFH, if you can, try to stay out of it. Like you say, he can contact them independently. I get that their anxious, but it would be better if they got out of the habit of making you accountable for his actions. He will probably not be the best of fathers for a while, but that's between him and his girls.

You could tell them that people usually don't just disappear off the face of the earth; if anything serious had happened to him, say he was in hospital or had an accident someone would have heard. It's much more likely he became frightened at the hospital and is now on a binge. Asking 'how could he?' takes you nowhere.

ladyscribbler

When I tried to apply logic to my ex's behavior, it got me nowhere and I always just ended up more frustrated and confused than before. He rants and raves about me keeping our son from him, but he was the one who got his phone shut off so he could drink the money, he's the one who only calls about once every six weeks. That call is never to ask about our son or speak to him, it's to bluster about some grandiose plan he has to come visit and pick a fight and threaten me if I don't agree to all of his ridiculous demands and arrangements on the spot. I've gotten half a dozen of those calls since I left. He has yet to come visit once.
There is no rhyme or reason to someone's behavior when they are controlled by a drug. Trying to look at things through our sober perspective just makes it more confusing.
This might be a good time to have an honest talk with your daughters about addiction. Not to badmouth him, but to bring it out in the open and let them discuss their feelings honestly and in a safe environment.
"Dad loves you, but he's sick and making bad choices. We didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it."
I forget their ages. If they're teens or even tweens, they would be old enough for Alateen meetings. Meeting other kids who have been in similar situations might be helpful to them.

waitingforhope

They are 13 and soon to be 15. They are at my mom's. Since AH disappeared, I didn't want to leave them at home this weekend alone whiled I worked 2nd shift so they are at my mom's. One thing my AH has never done before is completely disappear. I think that's why it's so scary for us. We've been separated a year. He didn't want a divorce, I suspected he was doing something this past year with his pretty infrequent visits because who doesn't really come around but constantly tells their wife they don't want their marriage to end? Usually a guy would actually try to make time if he didn't want a divorce. I didn't know he was a true out an out addict though of a drug as strong as meth or cocaine. But he still came around. The girls still saw him and talked on the phone. He still called and texted. Now there is nothing and I don't know what to do.

I thought they were doing ok but last night I called my younger one from work. The one that had told me initially she hates him and doesn't want to talk to him. I already told them he's using and tried to get them to talk but they don't. They seemed to take it in stride actually but now she asked if I heard from him when I called her. Even they have picked up on AH completely disappearing is unusual. Knowing he left the hospital untreated for his heart is making the reality of his condition scary.

No one is calling us. No family on his side. Nothing. I haven't talked to his family in 2 years now since I tried to get their help with AH's painkiller addiction. They haven't talked to me or my kids. None of them. How much do my children have to take? I admit, I didn't know what to do so I did call and left a message and sent a text so I could say I did something to my girls. His phone goes right to voice mail but is connected. If they've tried, they aren't fessing up to me about it. They are looking to me to do something, just anything to just try to find out if he's at least safe. Honestly we all want to know he's not laying in an alley somewhere dead.

Now I feel guilty. I'd like to know he's alive too but I've been good about leaving it alone as far as making attempts. No calling or driving around, nothing. Just giving the process server info he needed when he was attempting. But with pressure from my daughters, I just don't know if I can hold out and leave it alone. My poor girls. This isn't right they are in this situation.

atalose

Al-ateen and counseling for your children would benefit them. Help them understand they are not responsible for their dads choices, they dont cause him to drink/drug, they can't fix him or shoulder the responsibility alone in having a relationship with him.

You are all they have right now so it's natural they seek your help with their confusion and fears right now that's why counseling for all of you would be ideal. At their age they couldn't possible fully understand your position or the position they Un-intentionally are putting you in.

desypete

i can only offer out that he might hate himself enough now to just try and leave all of you alone
i was going to try to rebuild my life and run away to Australia as my 2 youngest kids were in care
my ex wife was still drinking and had met another drinker as i was sobering up with aa help

yet the social workers wouldnt give her the kids back as i was still around they didnt care about her drinking as they were prepared to work with her so in my head it seemed a good idea if i got off the face of the planet so my kids could go back home

however after about 4 months my older kids had noticed the change in me ie i wasnt drinking anymore they started to come back to me one by one as they were sick of both me and the mum and as there mum was still drinking and living that way well they had no sober parent to turn to so they came back to me somthing i never thought they ever would do as i was so guilt ridden by it all

within 5 months my daugher came back to live in my flat and my son came leaving his mum
in 12 months i ended up getting my babies back out of care something again i never thought would happen as it seems like the social workers hated me and was more for there mum but to my shock they did an about turn as they could see the change in me and were happy that it was safe for my kids to come home to me

i can not tell you how much guilt got lifted from my shoulders and how i could face people again who had judged me and pointed fingers at me

but when i was in the thick of the drinking and just starting to sober up my head told me it would be a good idea to leave the country and start again and leave all my kids behind me to get on with there own lives as i was convinced everyone hated me and i was so ashamed of how low i had gone

so maybe you ex might be thinking in the same way, he might be ashamed of how he has ended up and might be running away from it all ?

i dont know but i offer that as maybe some sort of reason as to why he has not been in contact as in his postion he has no pride lift in himself

good luck and i hope things come good in the end for you

waitingforhope

My girls initially refused going to Ala - teen but I'm going to keep trying. However I think some family counseling and a plan on how we are going to handle things here at home and help each other is in order. This is a shock to them. I think they are just numb and it's starting to finally wear off.

Desy the last time I saw my AH, he was in a rage and anger like I had never seen before from him yet behind that, for brief seconds, it seemed like I saw shame and embarrassment. He blamed me for everything but it was so irrational that I think this time, even he couldn't believe himself. I haven't had contact with him since. I guess your right, to him his only option is to just get out of the picture. If he can't control his use, he can do the only thing he does have control over I guess. I guess that is not making us, his family, have to watch him go through this and possibly kill himself. Maybe in a strange way, he still cares enough to do that for us.

biminiblue

As an alcoholic myself, I had the same thoughts as desy.

Shame, guilt, anger, fear. This is what is controlling him right now. This is what addiction does.

I agree that the kids need a stable mother right now. Keep reinforcing that you are always going to be there for them, and so will the grandparents (your Mom.)

They are old enough to know that his problems are 100% his problems.

Al Anon would be really good for all of you right now.

atalose

Not to sound like a hard a@@ but at 13 and 15 your in charge not them. They don't know what's really best for them you still have to make those hard decisions for them whether they like it or not. Counseling would be great and I'm sure the counselor will suggest al-anon and al-ateen.

waitingforhope

Tomorrow I'll start looking into counseling and meetings. They are just going to have to go. It can't be just me. I need help helping them and they need it for us to be a team getting through this together.

If he calls them though, should I let him talk to them? If he calls one or both of them on their phones, what should I do if I even catch it? They have to come home today for school tomorrow. I still don't know what I should do if he shows up here even. If he's angry and verbally violent of course I'd call the police but if he's relatively loving and just wants to see the girls, they lawyer told me he has the right to be at our house and I once had that situation with him about a year and a half ago. He called the police and they escorted him back home and told me I had to let him stay if he wanted to.

biminiblue

Try not to future trip.

Can you be in today? Tomorrow will take care of itself. Today you are safe.

Maybe talk to your kids and let them know not to meet with him if he calls, then leave them to make good decisions about possible phone calls. I suppose you could block him on their phones.

ladyscribbler

I tell my son that he can talk to his dad if he wants, and that he can end the conversation whenever he chooses. Of course mine is 5 and the calls come to my phone, so I. Understand the difference.
You're worrying a lot about "what ifs" right now, which is hard not to do when things are up in the air like this. But your husband is the one making the choice to disappear. You don't have to mentally follow him down the rabbit hole.
Most Alateen meetings have an Alanon meeting going on at the same time in the same location- 'nons in one room 'teens in another. It would be great if you could find a setup like that. Just tell your girls, "Hey we're going out." Go to your respective meetings and maybe get dinner afterward, just relax and spend some time together.
Hugs.

waitingforhope

I have such anxiety lately. Trying to keep the head from spinning. I'm a planner. I have to have a plan. I have to know what is going on at all times. I have always been like that and now I have to go against every grain in my body to just let the cards fall where they will. That is so against my natural inclination.

biminiblue

This is what recovery is about, honey. Letting go. We can't plan for everything. We don't have control. Trying to control stuff is what got me into anxiety, depression, and a downward spiral. All I can control is me and my reactions. I can't be wildly swinging bats around the room waiting for someone to throw a ball at me. I can take a swing at one if it gets within two feet of me. I have no say over when or from where the ball comes.

I was creating all my own agony. Most of the stuff I worried about never happened and I was a prisoner in my "What ifs."

carguysgirl

When my father left my mom did a lot of things right. She never spoke bad of him and made sure we knew that it was his issues that made him leave because he loved us too much to be with us as he was. She told us he was there for the most important thing which was being our father because other wise we would not be exactly the people we are.
What she did wrong and what caused me pain and worry as a kid was to not move on and be happy in life or ever look after her own needs.

waitingforhope

Yes that's my other issue.......I'm a caretaker with a caretaker mentality. I do it at home and went into a caretaking type of profession. It's what I know how to do. I took care of my mom and her random boyfriends dealing with their drinking since I was young, my dad who was a pill addict and when he was dying, and my grandpa when he was dying. I've been taking care of other people my whole life. Everyone else's rock. I don't remember the last time I felt the freedom to just do what I want to do for my own happiness instead of doing what I need to do because someone else caused a consequence for us. At my age, you'd think I'd have figured this out yet.

waitingforhope

My mom though since I've mentioned her alot is safe now and a healthy person for my daughter's. A much better grandma than she was a mom. Sober over 20 years now!

ladyscribbler

I grew up caretaking unstable adults in my life- an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother. Once that behavior is ingrained, it takes some work to break those patterns. I am in therapy and have been attending Alanon meetings working the 12 steps for just over a year. It has made a huge difference in my mentality as I have learned to separate what really is my problem to deal with and what belongs to another person so I am not taking on those unnecessary burdens.
Letting go of other people's problems and my own illusions of control has given me incredible freedom. It took a lot of work but it has been worth it.
ETA- that's great about your mom. It's good for your daughters to have both of you as positive role models.

zoso77

Because he's an addict. This is what addicts do. And if you try to use rational thinking to understand his irrational behavior, you will drive yourself batsh*t nuts.

All you can do at this moment is your girls and yourself. Trying to figure him out is a waste of time and energy.

FeelingGreat

WFH, I just wanted to say how you sound very grounded, and I'm sure you girls know you are their rock, even if they don't show it at times. Your mother's story is also inspiring and I wish it had happened earlier. Seriously, you can't do any more than you have, but tell the girls that as his wife you would hear first if he comes to grave harm.

You say you're a planner, and there is some planning you can do, like organising therapy for the girls. I agree that just saying they won't go, but putting all the pressure back on you isn't sustainable. I really hope he turns up soon. I admire your coping skills, even if you feel like you're not coping inside.