a families guilt
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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a families guilt
Does it ever get easier? When do addicts have a turning point (How I long for this day)? How much do they have to hurt their families before finally they realize that their addiction is destroying everyone around them, not just them? We think were turning a corner and then BAM she double crosses us again.
My sister has been a heroin addict for the last 11 years and its been pure hell for us as a family.
The worst part is that we had a good childhood, she had a bright future and had been accepted to a university to study pharmcolgy. We was all so very proud!! Then one day out lives got turned upside down, she got in with the wrong crowd, made bad choices and became a heroin addict. Life for our family unit went downhill from there. for the first 2 years we tried everything, getting her out the country for holidays to get clean, made her take urine sample drug tests which we later found out she was using other peoples urine. We kept hitting brick walls with her, nothing worked, nothing still works 11 years later.
for 7 years we lied for her (to family members) , turned a blind eye when she was dating a drug dealer, in my mind (which i now know is wrong) rather her sell drugs than her body, rather her do this than steal off old ladies. I wasn't living in reality, we as a family pretended we didn't know what was happening, don't get me wrong we didn't know everything, not even 10% of it. see, my sister is a liar, a pathological liar. Yet we lived our lives enabling her to do this by not saying anything. As a family, we never ever spoke of it, it was a taboo subject that nobody wanted to hear, if we pretended it wasn't happening, then surely it couldn't be, right?. We never gave another thought to the families up the street who was going through what I feared as pure hell, yet in light of it all, it was probably my sister and her boyfriend who was selling the drugs to these poor people.
We've had our house raided, I've been striped searched for being in her car while i was getting a lift to work, shes had her door bust down by drug dealers and had a gun put to her head. But, yet still she continued doing what she was doing. Enough was enough for us as a family, wed had hit breaking point. It was time to face the ugly truths about our little sister, who we once looked upon with pride, she did at one time have everything going for her, a bright positive future. We came to realize that you can not love a person out of an addiction, god oh god did we try, but from that day on we called her out, we flushed drugs if we found them or called the police.
She met a knew man, this time not a drug dealer, but an addict like her all the same. They moved away, got a flat and seemed to be doing really well. We all started to see the sister we had once knew, over the next 3 years we started to build our relationship back, she was honest and upfront about her past life. Then they both had a slip up! This time though it was different, she came out clean and asked us for help. Her partner got sent to jail and she moved back home with us to start a drug free life once again. A few weeks later we found out she was pregnant, and for the next 13 months she lived a drug free life. Every 2 weeks she met up with her drugs worker to reduce her methadone so that the baby wouldn't have withdrawals at birth. For the first time in such a long time i was bursting with pride watching my little sister take control of her life. On the arrival of her new baby girl she seemed more determined than ever to turn her back on that life. So much so that she told us that she was leaving her partner when he got out of jail because she had realized that she wasn't in love with him and it was more of a drug thing and knew what would happen if she went back to that life. we believed her every-word, we showered her with gifts and luxury items, in our minds we thought we was doing good, showing her a life she could have drug free and all the nice things she could to have by not spending her money on heroin.
She went on to have a beautiful baby girl, who nearly died due to complications in child birth, We watched our sister weep over how she nearly lost her baby, and for the first 5 months of that babies life every penny she had went on new dresses, holidays to the seaside, gold, she had everything. Then one day the old tell tell signs appeared. I kept quiet at first, watching, thinking surely, surely to god its me being paranoid? then other family members started picking up on things and although nobody came out an directly said anything we all had our suspicions. later the next day, i decided that i needed to know, i went searching in her bedroom. I knew she was on methadone, but in the bottom draw, i found tin foil, lots of used tin foil, my heart honestly hit my stomach. I knew this would destroy my mother, i hadn't seen her so happy since this ugly addiction started, how i could i tell her this? what would i say? Wrongly, i decided to take matters in to my own hands. I told my older sister and we came up with a plan, our plan was that we would gets facts, who she was going to for drugs, ect. So our investigation started, i would text my sister as soon as she had left the house, my sister would jump in her car and follow her, when we had enough evidence we comforted her and she told us everything. We decided that she needed to tell our mum, that it needed to be her who asked for help, so she did, and her and my mum went to her drug worker, got the methadone put up. it never stopped, its still not stopped now, were still turning a blind eye, but now, its got much worse, were the ones buying the babies food, nappies, toys, EVERYTHING..I all so think shes dating another drug dealer. My mum acts like she doesn't know, surely she does? surely she can see what i can see? Why do we keep doing this? why do we feel so guilty? Why do we as a family enable her to carry on? I can answer this question, its fear - fear for the baby. the minute we saying anything she will pack up all her things and take the baby. Guilt plagues me in to silence. if i speak up and she leaves, what kind of life will the baby have? will my sister be so high that she doesn't hear her cries? will she do drugs in-front of her? Will she go hungry because my sister cares more about a fix than her own daughter? These are the thoughts that plague me every single night.
I wish she could just take a magic pill and this addiction be over... I wish we as a family could do more
My sister has been a heroin addict for the last 11 years and its been pure hell for us as a family.
The worst part is that we had a good childhood, she had a bright future and had been accepted to a university to study pharmcolgy. We was all so very proud!! Then one day out lives got turned upside down, she got in with the wrong crowd, made bad choices and became a heroin addict. Life for our family unit went downhill from there. for the first 2 years we tried everything, getting her out the country for holidays to get clean, made her take urine sample drug tests which we later found out she was using other peoples urine. We kept hitting brick walls with her, nothing worked, nothing still works 11 years later.
for 7 years we lied for her (to family members) , turned a blind eye when she was dating a drug dealer, in my mind (which i now know is wrong) rather her sell drugs than her body, rather her do this than steal off old ladies. I wasn't living in reality, we as a family pretended we didn't know what was happening, don't get me wrong we didn't know everything, not even 10% of it. see, my sister is a liar, a pathological liar. Yet we lived our lives enabling her to do this by not saying anything. As a family, we never ever spoke of it, it was a taboo subject that nobody wanted to hear, if we pretended it wasn't happening, then surely it couldn't be, right?. We never gave another thought to the families up the street who was going through what I feared as pure hell, yet in light of it all, it was probably my sister and her boyfriend who was selling the drugs to these poor people.
We've had our house raided, I've been striped searched for being in her car while i was getting a lift to work, shes had her door bust down by drug dealers and had a gun put to her head. But, yet still she continued doing what she was doing. Enough was enough for us as a family, wed had hit breaking point. It was time to face the ugly truths about our little sister, who we once looked upon with pride, she did at one time have everything going for her, a bright positive future. We came to realize that you can not love a person out of an addiction, god oh god did we try, but from that day on we called her out, we flushed drugs if we found them or called the police.
She met a knew man, this time not a drug dealer, but an addict like her all the same. They moved away, got a flat and seemed to be doing really well. We all started to see the sister we had once knew, over the next 3 years we started to build our relationship back, she was honest and upfront about her past life. Then they both had a slip up! This time though it was different, she came out clean and asked us for help. Her partner got sent to jail and she moved back home with us to start a drug free life once again. A few weeks later we found out she was pregnant, and for the next 13 months she lived a drug free life. Every 2 weeks she met up with her drugs worker to reduce her methadone so that the baby wouldn't have withdrawals at birth. For the first time in such a long time i was bursting with pride watching my little sister take control of her life. On the arrival of her new baby girl she seemed more determined than ever to turn her back on that life. So much so that she told us that she was leaving her partner when he got out of jail because she had realized that she wasn't in love with him and it was more of a drug thing and knew what would happen if she went back to that life. we believed her every-word, we showered her with gifts and luxury items, in our minds we thought we was doing good, showing her a life she could have drug free and all the nice things she could to have by not spending her money on heroin.
She went on to have a beautiful baby girl, who nearly died due to complications in child birth, We watched our sister weep over how she nearly lost her baby, and for the first 5 months of that babies life every penny she had went on new dresses, holidays to the seaside, gold, she had everything. Then one day the old tell tell signs appeared. I kept quiet at first, watching, thinking surely, surely to god its me being paranoid? then other family members started picking up on things and although nobody came out an directly said anything we all had our suspicions. later the next day, i decided that i needed to know, i went searching in her bedroom. I knew she was on methadone, but in the bottom draw, i found tin foil, lots of used tin foil, my heart honestly hit my stomach. I knew this would destroy my mother, i hadn't seen her so happy since this ugly addiction started, how i could i tell her this? what would i say? Wrongly, i decided to take matters in to my own hands. I told my older sister and we came up with a plan, our plan was that we would gets facts, who she was going to for drugs, ect. So our investigation started, i would text my sister as soon as she had left the house, my sister would jump in her car and follow her, when we had enough evidence we comforted her and she told us everything. We decided that she needed to tell our mum, that it needed to be her who asked for help, so she did, and her and my mum went to her drug worker, got the methadone put up. it never stopped, its still not stopped now, were still turning a blind eye, but now, its got much worse, were the ones buying the babies food, nappies, toys, EVERYTHING..I all so think shes dating another drug dealer. My mum acts like she doesn't know, surely she does? surely she can see what i can see? Why do we keep doing this? why do we feel so guilty? Why do we as a family enable her to carry on? I can answer this question, its fear - fear for the baby. the minute we saying anything she will pack up all her things and take the baby. Guilt plagues me in to silence. if i speak up and she leaves, what kind of life will the baby have? will my sister be so high that she doesn't hear her cries? will she do drugs in-front of her? Will she go hungry because my sister cares more about a fix than her own daughter? These are the thoughts that plague me every single night.
I wish she could just take a magic pill and this addiction be over... I wish we as a family could do more
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
First of all....welcome to SR (but sorry for your reason to visit)
We feel your pain. I know how corny that sounds.......but it is a truism.
The "how could she......". When we finally get a glimpse of the true
nature of this rapacious disease.
Weak character? A bad Mom? A worthless junkie? Those answers
would be easy.......and easy has the overriding advantage of being...
EASY.
But not often correct.
The decision to tempt fate at the start is an awful one. But few of
life's decisions are so pregnant with import as the "what the hell...why
not try it once?" school of thought.
Many people made bad choices in life. Line of work,choice of spuse
engaging in crime. But few carry the weight of this bad choice. This lines
up with the "jump in front of a train" line of choices.
After that, I'm just not sure the black and white " Law & Order"
paradigm has much use. They are drawn to it like you and I are drawn
to take the next breath.
It all feels so very personal......she is DOING this to us!
But she isn't doing it to anybody.....the time for an easy abort is long past.
The realities of brain chemistry, behavior, and dysfunction are hardwired in a
way that becomes more frightening the more you study it.
What matters here is the child-----who doesn't deserve ANY of this.
Keep THAT thought first and foremost in your mind.
-----And please read the 'stickies' above....they are a treasure trove of wisdom,
all of it hard earned!
We feel your pain. I know how corny that sounds.......but it is a truism.
The "how could she......". When we finally get a glimpse of the true
nature of this rapacious disease.
Weak character? A bad Mom? A worthless junkie? Those answers
would be easy.......and easy has the overriding advantage of being...
EASY.
But not often correct.
The decision to tempt fate at the start is an awful one. But few of
life's decisions are so pregnant with import as the "what the hell...why
not try it once?" school of thought.
Many people made bad choices in life. Line of work,choice of spuse
engaging in crime. But few carry the weight of this bad choice. This lines
up with the "jump in front of a train" line of choices.
After that, I'm just not sure the black and white " Law & Order"
paradigm has much use. They are drawn to it like you and I are drawn
to take the next breath.
It all feels so very personal......she is DOING this to us!
But she isn't doing it to anybody.....the time for an easy abort is long past.
The realities of brain chemistry, behavior, and dysfunction are hardwired in a
way that becomes more frightening the more you study it.
What matters here is the child-----who doesn't deserve ANY of this.
Keep THAT thought first and foremost in your mind.
-----And please read the 'stickies' above....they are a treasure trove of wisdom,
all of it hard earned!
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