waitingforhope

Of course my primary concern is for the safety and well being of my girls and I. But I'm also still really worried my husband is out there with an untreated heart condition since he walked out of the hospital. I can't help but wonder where he is and is he safe? Is someone trying to get him to go back to the hospital? I'm fighting the urge to drive to his mom's, not sure if she even knows that he left against medical advice. Not sure if she'd believe me he's an addict since she didn't believe me last time. I've been punished ever since by her. She stopped talking to me last time I asked for help two years ago, believed him instead. I don't even have her phone number anymore. If he dies, how will I know or find out? Last I had spoken to a nurse this past Monday, I was able to find out his heart is in bad enough condition that she said he isn't going anywhere anytime soon. That's all the info they could give me since he cut me off receiving any info about his care. My best friend said not only does she think he left to go get a fix but because someone, a nurse or the social worker at the hospital told him I filed for divorce and planned on serving him there. The hospital unit manager and social worker knew. We've been separated for a year and he did little to work on our marriage but never filed himself. I didn't understand why he just didn't do it himself. He fought me every time I tried to help him so I don't know the purpose for him in why he wanted to stay married. Now how am I going to get divorced? How am I going to know if he's even alive? I'm still concerned for him despite everything. I don't hate him. I don't want him to die. I do want to get divorced but if he needed my help if he came to me to go into treatment, I would get him there if it's safe for me to do that. On the other hand, it seems the logical answer is to just let whatever happen just happen. Let him be missing for the sake of my own sanity. Not worry about it. But how do you not worry about someone who is really sick and missing?

Hope7726

Of course you're worried. But there is really nothing you can do. He's in control of his actions, no one else. Let go and let God.

Trust me, if something horrible happens to him you will find out.

biminiblue

You are spinning, my love. Understandable. This will get easier.

You can divorce without him. Attorneys know how to do this. They post a notice in newspapers.

I know it's scary and your mind is obsessing, but you really have to let go and let God.

Many hugs and prayers for you. This is all going to work out. If he dies out there, it is not your fault.

jjj111

Maybe try to get busy? Go to an Alanon meeting, go for a walk somewhere peaceful, do some cooking...whatever makes you feel at peace. Showing up at his mother's house seems like a terrible idea to me! He could be there, or even if he's not, it doesn't sound like you have a friendly relationship with his mother. I agree with Hope, you will find out if something happens. Meanwhile, try to put all this nervous energy into helping yourself.

waitingforhope

I'm super scared for him. My husband used to be my protection long ago. I was on a pedestal. He really loved me at some point a long time ago. My mom had some of our wedding pics up on the wall and I just stood there and looked at them last night and he was so healthy and happy. He had cried at our wedding while making our vows and smiled. He was so excited about getting married. We had everything we could have ever been blessed with by God. We didn't get married until the girls were 5 and 7. He gave them rings and they stood up there with us and he made vows to them too. Where has that person gone? How did this happen to my family?

hopeful4

I agree that you are spinning. You are not responsible for him or his actions and choices. What would you do if they found him? You do realize he is allowed to check himself out of the hospital if that is his choice? So you get him back in only for him to run again? He has to go through this, and he has to choose how he is going to react.

You need to keep the focus on you and your children. I know that is easier said than done, but the reality is, this is his situation to control, not yours.

I am sorry. I hope you get some peace soon.

XXX

waitingforhope

Thanks everyone! I'm going to try to get some stuff done to distract me. I've wasted a whole week off it seems accomplishing very little distracted by this so your right, I just need to kick myself in the butt and take care of some stuff. A good run on one of the horses should get me started this morning. Both of us could use some exercise even though it's freezing out. Riding clears my head though. There's plenty to get done on a farm so I have no excuse to be paralyzed right now. Plus I adopted a single family this year for Christmas and really need to get a move on and finish up for them. I don't want this to get in the way of someone's children having a blessed Christmas.

waitingforhope

What should I do even if he doesn't actually come here but contacts me by text or phone btw?

hopeful4

My opinion, nothing. I would not accept his calls or texts at this time at all. Just my .02

I hope your ride gives you some clarity and peace!

Refiner

But if he divorced you, who could he tell to F off and control? Talk to your lawyer about abandonment and perhaps there's a one-way divorce that could be done legally.

waitingforhope

Took a ride with George (my adopted rodeo horse), cleared my head a bit. He had a great time. We ran and ran and ran. I could have kept going forever but can't run away. Get out of my way demons, am here to stay and there's nothing you can do about it.

biminiblue

I would not talk or text with him.

He has to get better without your input. It isn't your job to do that for a man who has been given many many chances and as a grown-up man has decided to throw them away.

Let him go. Maybe write a goodbye letter to him and burn it.

waitingforhope

My counselor has had me journaling for quite some time. It helps. She doesn't know this latest development though yet, can't get an appt. until December. I'll give it a go Bimi.

atalose

I remember being in this place you currently are in…..physically out but still emotional in and it’s not a peaceful place to be. ((hugs))

Time and distance away from the situation is when healing can begin and the emotional attachment becomes less and less overwhelming.

Keeping ourselves busy is a good distraction but getting “new” healthy understanding and knowledge of addiction and how we can cope better – is even better. Try and look for an al-anon meeting in your area.

Probably not, most people know you can't help someone who refuses to help themselves.

I would suggest you keep the no contact relationship with your mother in law as well. She can’t make him do anything either that he refuses to do. If he has gone to her, she will soon have no choice but to witness his behavior and know something is not right……….allow her to figure it out all on her own. You have already planted the seed and her defense was denial, that’s natural, so let nature take its course when it comes to her and him.

That's one nurses opinion, you really don't know the extend of his heart condition and are assuming the worse.

atalose

((hugs))

waitingforhope

Wise words Atalose. As far as his medical condition though, he was critical. They did the best they could to give me the info they could knowing I work in healthcare and formally working with them as co workers, to "hint" at what was going on without violating HIPPA. Initially I was allowed info the first day and I've worked in the medical field for 23 years and with heart patients and transplants in the past. He's in congestive heart failure. He also was hospitalized 5 years ago full of clots and in afib and almost had a stroke then. That was due to his thyroid, has Grave's disease. Before I heard him admit to his docs this time that he was using drugs, I also found out he lied to me and hasn't taken his thyroid med in almost two years. He needs that med daily for the rest of his life or the same thing that happened 5 years ago will also happen again. This time he went betw. tachy and afib. His heart is in really bad condition. If they didn't get to finish treatment, he's a heart attack waiting to happen. That will only be more likely if he uses. But your right, there's nothing I can do to stop it. I'm staying busy, trying not to dwell on it. I have no control over what happens. Thanks for your support. I keep reading all the posts over and over to keep myself rational. It really helps. Am going to my first Nar-Anon meeting Monday night.

atalose

That's good your going to nar-anon. You might also want to check out al-anon, same type of program. I find more available al-anon meetings then nar-anon. Alcohol/drugs same devil!!

I think our ill-instinct is to fix, mend and repair and our thought process really does become clouded. I think contacting his mother would only open a whole other kind of pandora's box and you do not need that.

Is your daughter old enough to attend meeting with you?

waitingforhope

I found a Nar- Anon meeting about 20 miles away at a church. So that's not too far I guess. I'll go to Ala-non if I need to because there is actually one in the town over from me. I'm going to go to the first meeting alone to check it out and I'll see if my daughters want to come after that. I did already ask them but they said no. Once I can tell them more about it, I'll ask again. I told them to they can go to their school counselors as well. I do have a caretaker instinct that gets the best of me and as a wife and mom, it's just your first thing is to worry about and want to help your family and to me yet, my husband is still my family. If I find out where he is, I'm not going to rushing to him if he's ok. I would help him get back into the hospital as long as it's safe for me to do so. If his family contacts me, I'll talk to them. I did speak to a lawyer today because the process server made another attempt to serve him at his mom's but again was not successful and he will only make one more attempt before sending my divorce papers back to the sheriff's department. So if I can't serve him, I found out now that regardless before I can serve by publication, I have to attempt to personally serve the papers myself every where and anywhere I can think of he might be and document that for the court. I might be married forever it seems after all.

Fandy

I think you need to take your "caretaker codependent instinct" and channel that into your children.

He is right where he wants to be. he does not CARE about his CHF or whether his coronary status is critical. He is an addict, what he cares about are his drugs. If he blows out the left artery, he chooses to do it, they can only do so much. He has no desire to clean up and try to mend himself, he won't even take basic thyroid meds.

You are divorcing him for a reason, it is hard to detach but he cares nothing for you or the kids, I am sorry, but your continual obsessing is NOT doing your kids any good.

suki44883

Things like this are exactly the reason you are divorcing him. He may have severe health issues, but he is an adult and if this is how he chooses to live out the remainder of his life, he has that right and it just proves you are making the right decision by divorcing him.