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When did you tell people about your SO's addiction?

Old 11-13-2014, 07:44 AM
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When did you tell people about your SO's addiction?

My current co workers know my husband is in the hospital. In the same hospital I worked at almost 20 years before I left 2 years ago. That was embarrassing enough to just last week have him admitted there and they all know me. To be with held info on his condition and have everyone know he uses coke at minimum and be verbally berated in front of people that know me on a professional level. My former co workers know more about his current condition than I do now. It's humiliating. At least I no longer work there though. No one at the current hospital I work in now though knows I filed for divorce the next day or that I found out he's addicted to cocaine. They also don't know that I have no idea of the state of his progress now or that I haven't been to the other hospital since the day after his admission. As far as anyone knows at work (I've only been there a year on a part time basis so even now they don't know a lot about my family, I don't talk much about myself), my loving husband is going through a severe crisis and his loving and faithful wife is by his side every step of the way. I've been off this week (I pick up hours on an as needed basis) but go back to work this Saturday and full time starting after that until February to fill in. I just don't know what to say to those people who kindly will inquire and ask how my husband is doing. I don't know now how he's doing, I want to keep his addiction private from work and I've filed for divorce when he's most helpless. I don't want to tell them that even if I wanted contact, he's behaving as if he hates me and has completely cut me off from being involved with his care. I'm embarrassed and angry and sad. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through a day at work yet without flipping out let alone deal with everyone's polite concern. If I cry at work I will be so angry with myself.
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Old 11-13-2014, 08:00 AM
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For myself, when I opened up and was honest about my XAH's addiction, it opened up a whole new support system for me. It also set me free from the isolation and shame that surrounded addiction in my family.
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Old 11-13-2014, 08:14 AM
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Did you tell people you worked with? I'm afraid of the reactions. No one knows much about my family. I could do without the speechlessness and shocked expressions if I tell them. I don't know what to say anyway.
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Old 11-13-2014, 08:19 AM
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It isn't your fault that your husband has this problem. People know that.

Adding layers of lying to my problems never helps me.
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Old 11-13-2014, 08:30 AM
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Is this the enabling part of me? Covering up what he's done to us? I just don't feel ready to deal with this at work. I told my friends and family though. I just don't know what to say to co workers. That's my professional life. I'm supposed to have my sh*t together, be smarter than what I've allowed into my life.
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Old 11-13-2014, 08:41 AM
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FWIW, I don't think there's anything wrong with maintaining some privacy at work. I do think it can be destructive to keep a loved one's addiction a complete secret, but if you are reaching out for support from friends and family and Nar-Anon or Al-Anon, I can understand why you wouldn't necessarily want to also spill your guts at work. It might even be good practice at laying down boundaries. You could do it in whatever way feels comfortable, and you don't necessarily have to lie in order to set a boundary. "It's been difficult, but I'm surviving" is enough. If people push, you could tell them it's private. Just my two cents. Are you seeing a counselor or therapist? That might be a good place to work through all this more intensively and sort through your boundaries.
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Old 11-13-2014, 08:43 AM
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Yes, I told my coworkers. I am so glad I did because they now understand I am essentially responsible for my children by myself makes them very understanding and I really appreciate the support. I will also mention, the more people you open up to the more people who you will find going through the same thing. Addiction is everywhere.

I will say I have worked at my job for a very long time and am close with my coworkers. I also told my boss. However, if you are not ready that it totally ok.
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Old 11-13-2014, 08:56 AM
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jjj, yes I have a counselor that I've been seeing quite some time. It was to help me with the verbal abuse I was receiving and my separation from my husband. She has yet to be made aware of the drug addiction though. She's booked until December but I put myself on her on cancellation list. I like what you said about what to say to my co workers. I think I could pull that off. I don't want to lie either, just for right now not to say so much that I break down at work. In front of my friends and family, it's okay but just not there. I will tell them at some point like hopefu4 said. I just need a bit of time initially I think.
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Old 11-15-2014, 07:07 AM
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Now it's not just the addiction part, but now I don't know what to say that I also filed for divorce and he's now missing because he checked himself out against medical advice. For all they know, his loving wife is by his side as he sits in ICU. Will this drama ever come to an end? I don't know if I can take anymore more of this crap.
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Old 11-15-2014, 07:15 AM
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Waiting, there is a saying in Al-Anon, "what other people think of me is none of my business." I'm not sure you really need to explain any of this to anyone at work. You can just go about your life. Why do they need to know? It seems kind of like you're fretting over all of this because you're in a panic over your husband and feel like you should be doing something, but I don't think any action is really required of you at this point except to take good care of yourself and your daughters. If you just give it all a break, time will reveal more.
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Old 11-15-2014, 07:37 AM
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Your right. I know in my head you are right. Why can't I just stop this before I turn into a total basket case? I go do stuff to distract myself and I seem to do my best when I'm with the girls but I go back to work tonight and I kept my girls at my mom's so I'm alone right now. When I'm with them I feel better. I don't talk about it or dwell on it. It's being alone out here I think possibly.
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