Feel terrible this morning
 

I don't know what is going on. This morning I just feel terrible emotionally. I had this vague dream about my husband, that I went to see him in the hospital and he just hated me. He didn't say anything, he just looked full of pure and evil hatred. I woke up just sobbing for some reason and haven't stopped since and that was two hours ago. I'm feeling like he abandoned me and I'm sad and angry at the same time. I know I'm the one that filed for divorce but I just am so pi**ed off that I had to take things this far. I'm so freaking angry at him and those freaking drugs. My daughter asked me why I was crying and I didn't have any answer. My patience has been short with my girls I realized this morning. Maybe I'm not doing as good as I thought. What is going on here? I feel so stupid for even caring what is going on with him after all the damage he's done to our family.

You know, just because someone is behaving poorly doesn't necessarily mean you stop caring about that person, especially when that someone is a spouse. I believe it's perfectly normal to experience the conflicting emotions you describe.

At the end of the day, your AH is sick. And not only has he abandoned you, he's given himself permission to withdraw from everyday responsible life. In his world, there are no responsibilities. Just indulgence. The ultimate reason why you filed for divorce is because he's not playing by the same set of rules as you are. And you are justified in doing so.

Your feelings are your feelings. And while they'll be overwhelming at times, they won't kill you...

Oh honey, of course you are pi@@ed off and hurt. You have a right to be. This is going to be a grieving process. You will feel ok one day, yet the next may feel completely different. Thing about that is that grief is a process, one with a beginning and an end. It wont be this way forever. Let yourself feel and deal with it so you can move on.

Tight hugs. It's ok to cry, that is part of healing. It's also ok to let your children know you are sad and upset. It will let them relate to you too. Open up, be honest with them in an age appropriate way.

Many many tight hugs.XXX

I don't know if I did the right thing or not but I told my girls about the addiction and that it's made him sick. They are 13 1/2 and almost 15 years old. Raised out here isolated in the country. Even at their ages, they are so naive and innocent in their mindsets yet for teens and despite that out here, the schools and PD doing quite a bit of active teaching about drugs with the kids. My oldest daughter told me yesterday that she could forgive him for all the terrible things he's done because it's the drugs that's causing it. My younger one told me she hates him now and will never forgive him. They witnessed all the verbal abuse and I'm ashamed to say, been victims of it too. I've come so close at times to being beaten for stepping in on behalf of my daughters. Oh gosh, now that I wrote that last sentence, what I've allowed to happen with my husband is just shameful. They aren't still innocent watching years of this are they? My poor girls. They are handling this so well, so much better than I am. They told me divorce is best for us. They are so smart and I love them so much. I'm so sorry I let them grow up subject to this. If I had just not been in denial. It's an excuse to say I couldn't have know something was behind this. I wasn't positive about the drugs, but in hindsight now, it seems it should have been so obvious to me. What have I done to them?

Do you think I should take my girls to my Nar-Anon meeting Monday night? It will be my first one. I'm wondering if I should go to that one myself and check it out first.

You didn't do anything to them.

Your husband did.

You did the best you could with what you had. You rode it out as long as you could. And now you can't anymore.

I don't know what your faith is, but you may want to try out a Celebrate Recovery. Many times they have age appropriate sessions for teens also called the Landing. It is something that you could all do together. I give it a big credit in who I am today in my own recovery.

XXX

Thank you both so very much! For watching my posts and helping me. It means so very much to me as well as others who've also given me encouragement. I'm Christian hopeful4. Pentecostal to be specific. I've never heard of the two things you mentioned in your post. I will look them up. Thank you again!