Addict blaming it everything, but the drugs. Need support
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Addict blaming it everything, but the drugs. Need support
Why is it every time he comes to get some of his stuff its some other reason why I wont let him come back? First it was because he didnt message me back. No, it was because that made me remember why I cant deal with this crap anymore. Now its because he says Im seeing someone else. Im not at all not even talking to anyone like that. Im truth I miss him greatly and wish so badly things could be normal not even great just a normal household would of made me happy.
I dont understand why its always some other reason in his head. Other than the terrible path the drugs have lead him to and to hurt me and my family so badly.
I miss his touch and feel like Ill never find someone that can touch me like he does.
I just want to message him and say dont you get it its the drugs!! He says I think he is on heroin again, but its only pills he says. Whats it matter he didnt pay the bills for 2 months and I didnt have a clue until he left. Whatever he is doing has his mind so screwed up. Why do I want to get it into his head that its the drugs and not something else? I feel so lost and want to message him and tell him if he would just get clean we could have a chance. Why after everything he has done to me including stealing my phone today!! ugh
I dont understand why its always some other reason in his head. Other than the terrible path the drugs have lead him to and to hurt me and my family so badly.
I miss his touch and feel like Ill never find someone that can touch me like he does.
I just want to message him and say dont you get it its the drugs!! He says I think he is on heroin again, but its only pills he says. Whats it matter he didnt pay the bills for 2 months and I didnt have a clue until he left. Whatever he is doing has his mind so screwed up. Why do I want to get it into his head that its the drugs and not something else? I feel so lost and want to message him and tell him if he would just get clean we could have a chance. Why after everything he has done to me including stealing my phone today!! ugh
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
So sorry you're going through this. Addiction is addiction is addiction, whether heroin or pills or spray paint. My ex was "only" addicted to alcohol, which is legal, but it completely distorted his thought process and turned him into someone I didn't even recognize. Every problem is someone else's fault, all the legal and medical issues he has had due to drinking are blamed on other people or circumstances. That wall of denial is a huge component of addiction. It allows the addict to continue abusing their drug of choice
For a rational, sane person like you or me to try to understand that thought process is impossible, because addiction is a totally irrational and illogical state. If someone told you or me, "You can drink or you can have a life and a career and a family" that would be a no-brainer, but when I said that to my ex, he chose drinking. At first he tried to bargain, like your AH is doing. Saying he'd switch to beer and wine, no more hard liquor, because that is the "real" problem. Kind of like your AH saying, "It's not heroin, only pills."
It's normal to miss the good stuff, and the person they were when you met, but that man is gone. There's no shame in mourning that loss.
The most important thing is to take good care of yourself right now. Single motherhood is a stressful proposition. Especially when the coparent is incapable of meeting the most basic responsibilities. Make sure you're getting plenty of rest and all that good stuff. If you have time, try to catch a Naranon or Alanon meeting and definitely keep posting. We're here for you.
Big hugs.
For a rational, sane person like you or me to try to understand that thought process is impossible, because addiction is a totally irrational and illogical state. If someone told you or me, "You can drink or you can have a life and a career and a family" that would be a no-brainer, but when I said that to my ex, he chose drinking. At first he tried to bargain, like your AH is doing. Saying he'd switch to beer and wine, no more hard liquor, because that is the "real" problem. Kind of like your AH saying, "It's not heroin, only pills."
It's normal to miss the good stuff, and the person they were when you met, but that man is gone. There's no shame in mourning that loss.
The most important thing is to take good care of yourself right now. Single motherhood is a stressful proposition. Especially when the coparent is incapable of meeting the most basic responsibilities. Make sure you're getting plenty of rest and all that good stuff. If you have time, try to catch a Naranon or Alanon meeting and definitely keep posting. We're here for you.
Big hugs.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
LoveHurts...
What is important for you to understand at this moment is the biggest lies an addict tells are to themselves. For example:
So because it's pills instead of smack makes it OK? As it is, he's probably full of sh*t.
This is a form of trying to control him. And you can't control him. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that you can say to him that will get through. He is impervious to logic and reason, and he cannot absorb your love or anyone's love.
Well, if you say you won't, then you won't. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. As it is, there are worse things than being alone. And that's being coupled to the likes of him or any addict.
Hold firm on your boundaries. He will try like hell to break through those boundaries because, like all addicts, he doesn't respect boundaries. Don't fall for his BS...
What is important for you to understand at this moment is the biggest lies an addict tells are to themselves. For example:
He says I think he is on heroin again, but its only pills he says.
Why do I want to get it into his head that its the drugs and not something else? I feel so lost and want to message him and tell him if he would just get clean we could have a chance.
I miss his touch and feel like Ill never find someone that can touch me like he does.
Hold firm on your boundaries. He will try like hell to break through those boundaries because, like all addicts, he doesn't respect boundaries. Don't fall for his BS...
Last edited by zoso77; 11-12-2014 at 03:02 PM. Reason: Spelling Error
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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In a way I wish he would just get ahold of me and say Ill go to rehab. It will all be OK and I would want to believe him, but know it will more than likely end up the same way as it has the 3 other times in the last 3 yrs. I really doubt hes going to ask to come back again since he took most of his stuff along with some of mine. And I called the cops on him.
How do you get passed the part of them being with someone else? I just keep thinking what if its all in my head and hes great with and too someone else. Or that they are better than me and hes happy with them. Mind you he says im the best thing that ever happened to him and He pretty much chooses the drugs over me. BTW I did not message him. Its great to put my thoughts here and have support from people who know what Im feeling and thinking somewhat. Thank you all!
How do you get passed the part of them being with someone else? I just keep thinking what if its all in my head and hes great with and too someone else. Or that they are better than me and hes happy with them. Mind you he says im the best thing that ever happened to him and He pretty much chooses the drugs over me. BTW I did not message him. Its great to put my thoughts here and have support from people who know what Im feeling and thinking somewhat. Thank you all!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
How do you get passed the part of them being with someone else?
In my case, my then AGF texted me while I was at work and told me she was leaving me for someone else.
Then she texted me a picture of her and the new guy.
Then she confessed to boning other guys while she was with me.
To top it off, she claimed to have found "grace and dignity", things she never had with me.
I mean, who the eff was she trying to kid? The complete and total lack of self awareness was epic. And I thought to myself, the new guy can have her.
That was almost 3 years ago. But she never let go of me. A year after that happened, she tried texting me from a new number. I figured out it was her, blocked her, and ignored the provocation. Various texts after the block expired came my way: a wedding announcement, a picture from her and the new guy exchanging rings. So I'd ignore it and renew the block.
Finally she figured out a way around the block and started calling me at all hours of the night after she was married.
Grace and dignity?!? HA!!
Changed my number. Problem solved. Her one remaining move is to show up at my house. If she does, I will call the cops and take out a RO.
Regarding the new guy, I've got no sympathy for him. Nada. Zilch. Goose egg. 0.00000000000000. F*ck him.
He's an addict, too. He 13th stepped with someone that, at that time, had less than a year of clean time. After the ecstasy of her f*cking his socks off fades, and it will, he's going to wake up one day and realize the magnitude of his poor judgment.
I tell you this because the day that she saved her most sadistic behavior for last was the best day of my life. I was free. Free from the mayhem, free from the cognitive distortions, free from her hyperbolic, duplicitous nonsense, and free from her sadism. My greatest accomplishments -- academic, professional, and personal -- have come after she left, and that's no coincidence.
There is life after the addict. How good that life is is entirely, 100% up to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Im imagining hes prob already found him a nice addict girl who could careless if he uses. So he wont have to hide it or lie to anyone anymore and be himself with her. He is hanging back out with all of his old heroin friends but yet hes only doing pills lol
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Finding a new enabler is pretty much par for the course. My ex did it in short order. First he latched onto his parents, who were in total denial and ranted and raved at me when I left in September 2013, calling me an A, a B, a C and every other letter of the alphabet, threatening me with grandparents' rights and all kinds of other nonsense. Then they got to live with his drunken j@ck@$$ery for a few weeks. And they got tired of it. So they told him they were going to quit giving him "grocery money" and start just buying him food. He punched his mom in the face and threatened to kill his dad. They finally began to understand the depth of his problem and cut him off in October or November 2013.
So he found yet another enabler. His uncle died (of cirrhosis) on December 22, 2013. In January 2014 he moved in with his uncle's widow (they have the same last name but are not technically blood related, so not quite a Greek myth but close). This woman did not win a prize, and neither did her children. Yes he is able to irritate me in ways that he wouldn't be able to do if he didn't have a chauffeur/timekeeper/babysitter, but I am FREE of most of his crap.
He is still drinking and deteriorating. I have moved on with my life in ways that I never could have dreamed living with an active alcoholic's drama and craziness. I moved far away from him and his lunatic family and hit the ground running. My boys are doing well in school, making friends. I have a great job plus a side gig doing private housekeeping. I finished the first draft of a novel a couple of weeks ago, I am involved in Alanon service work and attend 2 meetings a week. I go to therapy and mindfulness (meditation) classes at the VA every month.
You can flourish and thrive without an active addict in your home. You can build a happy, peaceful life. It's been a long haul. I've been gone just over a year, but it has been totally worth it. Give yourself some time to develop a life free from the craziness of addiction. Give him some time to progress in his addiction and spiral further down. You will see what I mean.
So he found yet another enabler. His uncle died (of cirrhosis) on December 22, 2013. In January 2014 he moved in with his uncle's widow (they have the same last name but are not technically blood related, so not quite a Greek myth but close). This woman did not win a prize, and neither did her children. Yes he is able to irritate me in ways that he wouldn't be able to do if he didn't have a chauffeur/timekeeper/babysitter, but I am FREE of most of his crap.
He is still drinking and deteriorating. I have moved on with my life in ways that I never could have dreamed living with an active alcoholic's drama and craziness. I moved far away from him and his lunatic family and hit the ground running. My boys are doing well in school, making friends. I have a great job plus a side gig doing private housekeeping. I finished the first draft of a novel a couple of weeks ago, I am involved in Alanon service work and attend 2 meetings a week. I go to therapy and mindfulness (meditation) classes at the VA every month.
You can flourish and thrive without an active addict in your home. You can build a happy, peaceful life. It's been a long haul. I've been gone just over a year, but it has been totally worth it. Give yourself some time to develop a life free from the craziness of addiction. Give him some time to progress in his addiction and spiral further down. You will see what I mean.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
in control not
Originally Posted by zoso77 
LoveHurts...
What is important for you to understand at this moment is the biggest lies an addict tells are to themselves. For example:
So because it's pills instead of smack makes it OK? As it is, he's probably full of sh*t.
This is a form of trying to control him. And you can't control him. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that you can say to him that will get through. He is impervious to logic and reason, and he cannot absorb your love or anyone's love.
Well, if you say you won't, then you won't. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. As it is, there are worse things than being alone. And that's being coupled to the likes of him or any addict.
Hold firm on your boundaries. He will try like hell to break through those boundaries because, like all addicts, he doesn't respect boundaries. Don't fall for his BS...
What is important for you to understand at this moment is the biggest lies an addict tells are to themselves. For example:
So because it's pills instead of smack makes it OK? As it is, he's probably full of sh*t.
This is a form of trying to control him. And you can't control him. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, that you can say to him that will get through. He is impervious to logic and reason, and he cannot absorb your love or anyone's love.
Well, if you say you won't, then you won't. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. As it is, there are worse things than being alone. And that's being coupled to the likes of him or any addict.
Hold firm on your boundaries. He will try like hell to break through those boundaries because, like all addicts, he doesn't respect boundaries. Don't fall for his BS...
Many addicts and individual also refuse to admit they did or do anything wrong. It's all about THEIR image. When they go out of their way to protect their image you there's something up(literally).
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