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Old 11-11-2014, 07:21 PM   #1 (permalink)
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My boyfriend is in recovery


This is my first post to SoberRecovery. I'm thankful to have found a website where I can discuss what's going on in my life with people who will understand. Anyway, a little back story:

I am 22 years old, and I've been dating my boyfriend who is 29 for nearly 4 years now. He has had problems in the past (before I met him) with drug abuse, but he was clean for years until about 3 years ago when he got his wisdom teeth taken out and became addicted to painkillers. He started to get them after the dental pain was over, and I had absolutely no idea. I have zero personal experience or knowledge when it comes to drug abuse. I was completely caught off guard when he informed me of this over a year after the addiction began. He told me in February of 2012, and he decided to get help by way of going to the methadone clinic. He was on methadone for a little over 2 years when he got very, very sick. He was sick for 7 months and finally, fed up with not being able to live his life, he checked himself into rehab. He is there right now and has been for 20 days. I was able to visit him today and we met with his counselor for couples counseling. I was very emotional through all of that. He is going to be there for another five weeks. I am definitely struggling through all of this. The only thing that I know for certain is that I love him completely and I will be there by his side through every moment of this recovery process. I know a lot of the recovery will have to be dealt with alone for him, but I also don't want him to feel alone, if that makes sense. I want him to know how much I love him and that he doesn't have to be ashamed. I want to help him and be there for him. I was hoping to gain some sort of insight from anyone that has been through this, or something like it. What can I do to help, what advice do you have for me? Also, are there any natural remedies or things I can do for him to ease the pain of the detox? I've read green tea, but he hates green tea (and he's very stubborn! haha). Any tips at all are welcome.

Thank you so much!
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Old 11-11-2014, 07:28 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR, Frances. (((HUGS)))

If he is in rehab, he will be finished with detox by the time he gets out. That is when the real recovery work begins. He will need the support of others who have dealt with the same issues and been where he has been.

The very best thing you can do for him is to take care of yourself. You might want to find some nar-anon meetings to attend. Face-to-face support is important for you, too.

His recovery is his own issue and yes, if he seriously embraces recovery, he will have a long row to hoe and will be something he has to do on his own. You can be supportive, but work your own program through nar-anon and let him work his.

Again, welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here.
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Old 11-11-2014, 07:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you, Suki!
I think he is finally realizing the serious implications of his actions, which is so wonderful. His counselor had great things to say about him today. It's good to know that his detox period will be over by the time he gets out. He was very shaky today and seemed distant, which I was expecting, but also more emotional than I was expecting. He tends to internalize his anger and bottle things up, and it was refreshing to see him being so open about his feelings and responding so positively to the counseling. I will have to look up where some nar-anon meetings are around here. Thank you so much for your help!
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Old 11-11-2014, 07:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You are very welcome. I also suggest you read the sticky posts at the top of this forum. There is a LOT of really helpful information there.

It's good that he appears to be serious about recovery, but, and I hesitate to say this, you should be, at best, cautiously optimistic. I am not addicted to drugs, but I am an alcoholic and know from experience that it's a very safe and secure feeling being in an in-house recovery setting. It is easy to be gung ho about recovery while in rehab; but, it's once he is back in the real world that the hard work will start.

Please don't expect him to come out of rehab a well person. He won't be. But, he will have the tools to work his recovery, and it's something he is going to have to deal with on his own. YOU take care of YOU.
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"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key."
- The Eagles

"We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words."
- Anna Sewell
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Old 11-11-2014, 07:55 PM   #5 (permalink)
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He's definitely made me aware of that. He has been in rehab before, years ago, and I know the more comfortable he gets, the more likely he is to relapse. I'm doing as much research as I can and trying to prepare myself to be a positive influence on him.
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Old 11-11-2014, 07:59 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Again, read the stickies at the top of this forum. There is a wealth of information there.
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"So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key."
- The Eagles

"We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words."
- Anna Sewell
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Old 11-11-2014, 08:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Finding out your BF has hidden a drug addiction from you is very traumatic (speaking from experience). So I think the big question is, what are you doing for yourself?
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Old 11-11-2014, 09:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Well, he told me in February of 2012 about the addiction. Since then, he was taking methadone through the methadone clinic. Nothing else. Now he is in rehab getting himself the help that he needs and that he WANTS (which I think is huge, that he wants the help). Me, I'm here, trying to learn everything that I can about going through life with a recovering addict. What it's like, what to expect, what to do to help myself, how to become stronger, trying to get any help from anyone willing to help. I met with him and his counselor at the rehab today and she was very, very helpful. I decided when I got home to try and find a community that could help the process. What is your story, Hope?
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Old 11-11-2014, 09:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Educating yourself is good. Suki mentioned Nar Anon which i found to be a great resource and non judgmental environment. The super short version of my story is I was with my bf for a year, discovered (by reading his FB messages bc he kept lying to me) that he was using. He claimed percocets, I don't even know. The next day, an even bigger bombshell - he was a recovering heroin addict. He had been clean for almost 9 years. He didn't feel I needed to know that even though we planned to get engaged by the end of the year. I wasn't ready to give up on him. He came up with a recovery plan, I did my own things to help myself, but it was tough. All trust was lost and I was scared of him relapsing. Two months later, he did.

Just remember to make yourself a priority. Take good care of yourself. His recovery is his, your recovery is yours.
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