Addicted to the addict.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 23
Addicted to the addict.
I feel horrible and ashamed to even be saying this but I have kept contact with the AXBF 
.... I let him come talk...he told me he missed me, that he missed this life, and I let him kiss me. Later that week I drove home (1.5 hrs) just to see him and we had a wonderful time. We spent the entire night and next day together. And it felt like old times..and it was nice...minus for the fact that he spent a good hour or two on the phone fighting with his current girlfriend - whom he cheated on me with. Minus for the fact that he went and slept over at her place the next night. "They didnt sleep with each other that night if that makes me feel any better." I told him that I couldn't talk to him anymore because it was breaking me and I knew I was never gonna move on and find peace when I was riding this disgusting roller coaster. He begged me to talk to him. Said he didn't know what he wanted and didnt want to lose me. Says he loves me but that there is so much bad history, all he ever does is hurt me...and he doesn't wanna waste another 2 years of my life. That its nice being with someone who doesn't know what he has done, and who he has hurt. As if the fact that I do know all these things and am still here counts for nothing. We were suppose to talk about us and things this past weekend. He "slept two days away." His excuse for ignoring me the whole day. I told him I was sick and tired of him treating himself like garbage and sick of him treating me like garbage. I asked him how far he was going to fall before he decides to take control of his life. His son's mother is taking him to court for child support, he owes multiple people LOTS of money, the baliff has been looking for his car for months and most recently his best friend/brother walked out on him. He finally got a great job and he just calls in sick multiple times a week and gives his boss attitude. He said he just doesn't know how to stop using. I don't even bring up the topic of getting help because that just makes him mad.
Today, he texts me that his girlfriend found out that she was the other woman at the end of our relationship and at the start of theirs. He is on the phone with me near tears as he is driving to her house to drop her things off. I am sure that he will find a way to fix things...to tell her how much of a "f*** up he is, how he's so sorry, and how he just didnt know what he to do but he liked her so much and loves her and if she leaves he is going to go kill himself." I am sure he will convince her to stay.
And for some reason this makes me sad. I want to go back the way things were so bad.
If you are still reading this and haven't thrown up I am sure you are pulling your hair out things HOW COULD THIS GIRL BE SO CRAZY!!!
I feel crazy. I feel like I may as well just stand in front of his car and let him run me over and then thank him for it and beg for more.
Why oh why can I come up with a million and one reason why he is one of the dumbest, meanest, most selfish, saddest, manipulative, pathetic person
and yet he still makes me smile when he calls. Why am I dying for him to tell me its all going to be ok. Why am I dying to get him back as if I will be able to get over the hurt of him emotionally abusing and financially using me. As if I wont constantly be wondering who he is talking to, where he is going, whether he will actually come home, when he will get bored and leave.
I am not even jealous of this other girl because I have heard him yell at her. And it just reminds me of our relationship. And how I was at home wondering why he wouldn't just come home and he would pick a fight just so he had an excuse to leave and make it seem like it was my fault. It was always my fault. And he would always leave.
And I thought...damn I don't want that....
AND YET I DO THIS!!!!
As soon as I start feeling unstuck its like I take one free step. Feel the weight of my shoulders and then gets scared and go running right back into the cement.
I think I am left with the fear that no one will ever love me. That they will always get bored, tell me I am too hard to love, that there is too much bad blood and leave.
And I am clearly addicted to this horribly toxic relationship.. today I almost wish I was just addicted to substances instead.
My school applications are due in one week and I can't even focus enough to do them. I am in a small town doing a placement for two weeks and this makes me feel even more alone
I think I just need someone to hug me and never let go. Somedays I wish I could just stay in bed all day.
Im sorry. I wish I was stronger. I wish I had better news.
.... I let him come talk...he told me he missed me, that he missed this life, and I let him kiss me. Later that week I drove home (1.5 hrs) just to see him and we had a wonderful time. We spent the entire night and next day together. And it felt like old times..and it was nice...minus for the fact that he spent a good hour or two on the phone fighting with his current girlfriend - whom he cheated on me with. Minus for the fact that he went and slept over at her place the next night. "They didnt sleep with each other that night if that makes me feel any better." I told him that I couldn't talk to him anymore because it was breaking me and I knew I was never gonna move on and find peace when I was riding this disgusting roller coaster. He begged me to talk to him. Said he didn't know what he wanted and didnt want to lose me. Says he loves me but that there is so much bad history, all he ever does is hurt me...and he doesn't wanna waste another 2 years of my life. That its nice being with someone who doesn't know what he has done, and who he has hurt. As if the fact that I do know all these things and am still here counts for nothing. We were suppose to talk about us and things this past weekend. He "slept two days away." His excuse for ignoring me the whole day. I told him I was sick and tired of him treating himself like garbage and sick of him treating me like garbage. I asked him how far he was going to fall before he decides to take control of his life. His son's mother is taking him to court for child support, he owes multiple people LOTS of money, the baliff has been looking for his car for months and most recently his best friend/brother walked out on him. He finally got a great job and he just calls in sick multiple times a week and gives his boss attitude. He said he just doesn't know how to stop using. I don't even bring up the topic of getting help because that just makes him mad.Today, he texts me that his girlfriend found out that she was the other woman at the end of our relationship and at the start of theirs. He is on the phone with me near tears as he is driving to her house to drop her things off. I am sure that he will find a way to fix things...to tell her how much of a "f*** up he is, how he's so sorry, and how he just didnt know what he to do but he liked her so much and loves her and if she leaves he is going to go kill himself." I am sure he will convince her to stay.
And for some reason this makes me sad. I want to go back the way things were so bad.
If you are still reading this and haven't thrown up I am sure you are pulling your hair out things HOW COULD THIS GIRL BE SO CRAZY!!!
I feel crazy. I feel like I may as well just stand in front of his car and let him run me over and then thank him for it and beg for more.
Why oh why can I come up with a million and one reason why he is one of the dumbest, meanest, most selfish, saddest, manipulative, pathetic person
and yet he still makes me smile when he calls. Why am I dying for him to tell me its all going to be ok. Why am I dying to get him back as if I will be able to get over the hurt of him emotionally abusing and financially using me. As if I wont constantly be wondering who he is talking to, where he is going, whether he will actually come home, when he will get bored and leave.
I am not even jealous of this other girl because I have heard him yell at her. And it just reminds me of our relationship. And how I was at home wondering why he wouldn't just come home and he would pick a fight just so he had an excuse to leave and make it seem like it was my fault. It was always my fault. And he would always leave.
And I thought...damn I don't want that....
AND YET I DO THIS!!!!
As soon as I start feeling unstuck its like I take one free step. Feel the weight of my shoulders and then gets scared and go running right back into the cement.
I think I am left with the fear that no one will ever love me. That they will always get bored, tell me I am too hard to love, that there is too much bad blood and leave.
And I am clearly addicted to this horribly toxic relationship.. today I almost wish I was just addicted to substances instead.
My school applications are due in one week and I can't even focus enough to do them. I am in a small town doing a placement for two weeks and this makes me feel even more alone
I think I just need someone to hug me and never let go. Somedays I wish I could just stay in bed all day.
Im sorry. I wish I was stronger. I wish I had better news.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
And it felt like old times..and it was nice...minus for the fact that he spent a good hour or two on the phone fighting with his current girlfriend - whom he cheated on me with. Minus for the fact that he went and slept over at her place the next night.
sweetheart, please stop and THINK about this. read the above as if it is someone else.....what would you say to them? during those GOOD time he spent two hours on the PHONE with his GIRLFRIEND. and then ditched you the next day to back to HER. you use the term "minus" as if that rationalizes, minimizes or negates the fact he HAS another woman in his life NOW - and just like he left you for her, he left her for you and then went back to her.
what is it about this man that makes THAT acceptable???????? to be a booty call. if you want someone to show you who you are, go look in the mirror. HE is not an accurate reflection of who you are. he is a lousy validator! he's a horn dog user player.....ain't worth your time.
sweetheart, please stop and THINK about this. read the above as if it is someone else.....what would you say to them? during those GOOD time he spent two hours on the PHONE with his GIRLFRIEND. and then ditched you the next day to back to HER. you use the term "minus" as if that rationalizes, minimizes or negates the fact he HAS another woman in his life NOW - and just like he left you for her, he left her for you and then went back to her.
what is it about this man that makes THAT acceptable???????? to be a booty call. if you want someone to show you who you are, go look in the mirror. HE is not an accurate reflection of who you are. he is a lousy validator! he's a horn dog user player.....ain't worth your time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Posts: 146
I am ashamed to say that I am in a similar situation. Together for 9 years, multiple separations. Discovered the addiction in year 3 of the relationship, wouldn't have guessed what was yet to come.
Do you have a therapist?
Do you have a therapist?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Hi Sparrow.
I went through something like this, for a short while, with a boyfriend I dated for several years. It became obvious that he was an alcoholic, and when he cheated, I said goodbye, because I was breaking it off anyway, due to his escalating drinking problem. He had a successful construction business, charm and loads of money, but his disease was chipping away at all of it.
he went on to live a life of drink, denial, and drama. (last I heard, anyway)
I went through something like this, for a short while, with a boyfriend I dated for several years. It became obvious that he was an alcoholic, and when he cheated, I said goodbye, because I was breaking it off anyway, due to his escalating drinking problem. He had a successful construction business, charm and loads of money, but his disease was chipping away at all of it.
he went on to live a life of drink, denial, and drama. (last I heard, anyway)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
Oh honey I'm crying for you. I had to do the hardest thing I've ever had to do standing up for myself just a few days ago and that was just let go of my husband who I do love. He's in the hospital with CHF and the very next day after finding the likely cause is cocaine abuse, I filed for divorce and had him served in his hospital bed. I doesn't matter how much I love him, to him or to me, he is ruled by his dysfunction and addiction. I can only do my own homework on myself now to overcome my codependency. But I understand totally. I'm fighting to keep myself from going to that hospital since last Thursday to see him. I've given in prior to finding this forum yesterday by texting him, calling his cell and calling his unit but I have to stop. Keeping busy and finding this forum is helping me. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm as addicted to dysfunction in my marriage as he is to cocaine. I need "treatment" to because now I know what I'm fighting and my own well being is worth it. I'm a good person and I deserve to be happy again and emotionally healthy. And so do you. Please find any means possible to cut off contact and keep from contacting him as advice from another woman struggling with that herself to you. If I can do it after two children and 10 years of togetherness, I just know you are strong enough to do it too. Talk to me anytime. Find an Ala-non group, a codependency group and/or a private counselor. I'm already doing private counseling, I have yet though to share my new discovery of my AH addiction yet but use every avenue available to help yourself. You can do it and your no where near being alone in this world.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
