Oh my gosh
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Thread Starter
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hesperia, CA
Posts: 26
Oh my gosh
So after reading Lara's post and having a strong day my ABF calls and says can he come home. And stupid me said yes. Here is where my real decision is. When he comes do I tell him he needs to get help and until he does we cant be together. Or do I cave and try to be a strong individual and deal with it all over again. Dang it. It was going to be so much easier if he just kept out of contact. Why oh why now? I am anxious,excited,scared and confused all at once right now. Ugh. He must have a sixth sense. Knowing I was giving up and starting to take control of my own life. Does this happen often? Just when you make a decision they come back?
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
They always come crawling back, always. Like I said, when the drugs and the money run out, they turn up.
Only you can decide if you want to do this again, because it will happen again and again. It's your choice to say yes. No is also a complete sentence.
Only you can decide if you want to do this again, because it will happen again and again. It's your choice to say yes. No is also a complete sentence.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Just when you make a decision they come back?
Tell me, do you really want him around your baby?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he touched base with you last week to set the stage....see if you are still under his power, promise to be right back and then no shows. not surprising that now that the weekend is over and the money and/or dope are gone, he needs somewhere to crash, clean up and have someone feed him and do his laundry. i presume he didn't find work while he was "gone"?
it'll be great for a few days....the HONEYMOON period....he'll pour on the sweet, be helpful around the house, and lull you right into a false sense of security. he may promise to never hurt you like that again. he may promise to quit, go to meetings, whatever. he may even promise to seek gainful employment. and there's always the slight chance that he not only means it but DOES it.
but his words don't mean jack sh!t. his actions will tell you everything you need to know.
it'll be great for a few days....the HONEYMOON period....he'll pour on the sweet, be helpful around the house, and lull you right into a false sense of security. he may promise to never hurt you like that again. he may promise to quit, go to meetings, whatever. he may even promise to seek gainful employment. and there's always the slight chance that he not only means it but DOES it.
but his words don't mean jack sh!t. his actions will tell you everything you need to know.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
he touched base with you last week to set the stage....see if you are still under his power, promise to be right back and then no shows. not surprising that now that the weekend is over and the money and/or dope are gone, he needs somewhere to crash, clean up and have someone feed him and do his laundry. i presume he didn't find work while he was "gone"?
it'll be great for a few days....the HONEYMOON period....he'll pour on the sweet, be helpful around the house, and lull you right into a false sense of security. he may promise to never hurt you like that again. he may promise to quit, go to meetings, whatever. he may even promise to seek gainful employment. and there's always the slight chance that he not only means it but DOES it.
but his words don't mean jack sh!t. his actions will tell you everything you need to know.
it'll be great for a few days....the HONEYMOON period....he'll pour on the sweet, be helpful around the house, and lull you right into a false sense of security. he may promise to never hurt you like that again. he may promise to quit, go to meetings, whatever. he may even promise to seek gainful employment. and there's always the slight chance that he not only means it but DOES it.
but his words don't mean jack sh!t. his actions will tell you everything you need to know.
An Anvil encore......
have someone feed him and do his laundry.
(THAT'S classic!)
The good news, Mistyeye.....is that YOU and YOU ALONE
control how many of these groundhog days are in your
future.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Misty, if you're determined to set boundaries it might be easier to do it on the phone than in person. Telling him you can't be with him will be much harder when you're already in his arms! Like you, I became very anxious while dating my AXBF. What stopped the anxiety was when I stopped picking up his calls.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
he touched base with you last week to set the stage....see if you are still under his power, promise to be right back and then no shows. not surprising that now that the weekend is over and the money and/or dope are gone, he needs somewhere to crash, clean up and have someone feed him and do his laundry. i presume he didn't find work while he was "gone"?
it'll be great for a few days....the HONEYMOON period....he'll pour on the sweet, be helpful around the house, and lull you right into a false sense of security. he may promise to never hurt you like that again. he may promise to quit, go to meetings, whatever. he may even promise to seek gainful employment. and there's always the slight chance that he not only means it but DOES it.
but his words don't mean jack sh!t. his actions will tell you everything you need to know.
it'll be great for a few days....the HONEYMOON period....he'll pour on the sweet, be helpful around the house, and lull you right into a false sense of security. he may promise to never hurt you like that again. he may promise to quit, go to meetings, whatever. he may even promise to seek gainful employment. and there's always the slight chance that he not only means it but DOES it.
but his words don't mean jack sh!t. his actions will tell you everything you need to know.
Cannot agree more.
Simply part of the constantly testing & probing/long con. And yes actions speak louder than words.
Many addicts and/or manipulators are constantly trying subliminal suggestion which means they will be constantly be planting ideas in your head for their future use. I can tell when his plan didn't work because he throws a mini tantrum complaining how messed up or fussy we are.
Here among other things is "I need a few days to sort things out, get my head together"-a month ago. In the meantime they hang around like a bored teenager even though an adult.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hesperia, CA
Posts: 26
Well now that you all have prepared me for what is coming it will be easier to see the red flag. I will always trust my gut. Actions do speak louder than words. He can talk till he is blue in the face but I need to see results. I am still going on with my life. If he decides to come back he will have to find his half of the rent. He will have to figure out how to buy his own food. He may not like this and leave and if that is the case then he was just using me again. So I will wave bye bye and that will be it. I will not be hurt like that again.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Misty, this will be my final contribution to this thread.
I am very disappointed by what I believe to be an egregious lapse of judgment on your part. You have allowed your grief to hijack your reason. If you were the only one going to be hurt by this, I'd likely say nothing.
But you have a 10 month old son who needs to have a responsible parent to make the best decisions for him.
Tell me how allowing your son's father home is in the best interest of your son?
He took off for weeks, didn't tell you where he was, and he took off so he could feed his addiction. He put his addiction before you and your son.
Your grief and your anxiety led you to the hospital. And you're letting him come home?
There is no evidence that this man is ready to be a responsible parent, but there is plenty of evidence to suggest with a high degree of probability that he will leave both of you in the lurch again. AnvilHead maps out what will likely happen. I think she hit it on the screws.
And when it does, what are you going to do then? When are you going to allow your brain to know what it knows?
When you are compromised the way you are right now, there is no one that is able to make decisions on your son's behalf.
Grief is grief. I get that, I understand it, and I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult time absorbing what your ABF has done. But someone needs to have their sh*t together for the sake of your baby, and it sure as hell ain't him. The baby needs to come first, and by allowing the father home, you compromise the both of you.
I am very disappointed by what I believe to be an egregious lapse of judgment on your part. You have allowed your grief to hijack your reason. If you were the only one going to be hurt by this, I'd likely say nothing.
But you have a 10 month old son who needs to have a responsible parent to make the best decisions for him.
Tell me how allowing your son's father home is in the best interest of your son?
He took off for weeks, didn't tell you where he was, and he took off so he could feed his addiction. He put his addiction before you and your son.
Your grief and your anxiety led you to the hospital. And you're letting him come home?
There is no evidence that this man is ready to be a responsible parent, but there is plenty of evidence to suggest with a high degree of probability that he will leave both of you in the lurch again. AnvilHead maps out what will likely happen. I think she hit it on the screws.
And when it does, what are you going to do then? When are you going to allow your brain to know what it knows?
When you are compromised the way you are right now, there is no one that is able to make decisions on your son's behalf.
Grief is grief. I get that, I understand it, and I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult time absorbing what your ABF has done. But someone needs to have their sh*t together for the sake of your baby, and it sure as hell ain't him. The baby needs to come first, and by allowing the father home, you compromise the both of you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by mistyeye
If he decides to come back he will have to find his half of the rent. He will have to figure out how to buy his own food. He may not like this and leave and if that is the case then he was just using me again. So I will wave bye bye and that will be it. I will not be hurt like that again.
Good luck, this cannot be easy for you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Mistyeyes this is a tough one. I am there with Zozo and Anvilhead. This is NO LONGER ABOUT YOU OR HIM. A child supersedes any adult in the room. There is NO negotiation. Children are on loan to us from God. They are precious gifts from God. To be cherished and handled 'with care'. All children are marked with invisible stickers 'FRAGILE'. Please seriously reconsider your decision. The consequences of your choice RIGHT NOW will influence the very core of your young child's soul. Even infants absorb their environment. Your child WILL absorb the negative energy. Addicts in active addiction are consumed by a force - an EVIL force. Do NOT expose your child to this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Mistyeyes,
We all understand how difficult this is......truly.
It is the cause of perennial and dynamic tension
both here on SR, and anywhere this subject is
discussed----- and one that even the
best diplomat would have difficulty navigating.
You know in your heart what your primal and
first duty is. But what we know in our hearts is often
very difficult to translate into reality.
God bless your little one----and God give her
Mom the strength to make the very best decisions
possible.......in the fog of battle.
Some of us (like me!) are old....some are young.
But we all know addiction.....and that this way
something very wicked comes.
We all understand how difficult this is......truly.
It is the cause of perennial and dynamic tension
both here on SR, and anywhere this subject is
discussed----- and one that even the
best diplomat would have difficulty navigating.
You know in your heart what your primal and
first duty is. But what we know in our hearts is often
very difficult to translate into reality.
God bless your little one----and God give her
Mom the strength to make the very best decisions
possible.......in the fog of battle.
Some of us (like me!) are old....some are young.
But we all know addiction.....and that this way
something very wicked comes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
Originally Posted by Vale
Mistyeyes,
We all understand how difficult this is......truly.
It is the cause of perennial and dynamic tension
both here on SR, and anywhere this subject is
discussed----
Some of us (like me!) are old....some are young.
But we all know addiction.....and that this way
something very wicked comes.
We all understand how difficult this is......truly.
It is the cause of perennial and dynamic tension
both here on SR, and anywhere this subject is
discussed----
Some of us (like me!) are old....some are young.
But we all know addiction.....and that this way
something very wicked comes.
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