Hope7726

My addict (now ex) BF has been “missing” for three weeks today. He relapsed and made himself disappear. He hasn’t done this in almost ten years and this is the longest he’s ever been gone. It’s been the worst three weeks of my life, trying to deal with my own various emotions about the relationship ending, feeling completely abandoned, and worrying whether he is safe while at the same time becoming enraged that he has done this.

I try to focus on myself but he has created such a nightmare for those of us who care about him. His mom filed a missing person’s report a week ago and since I was the last person to see him, I have had to talk to the police a few times. I was feeling almost normal this morning but then the police called with more questions and my anxiety is back in full force.

I hate him for doing this. I can’t be mad at him for being an addict but he chose to use again instead of reaching out for help. And he knows what he is doing to his loved ones, he just doesn’t care right now. I am so angry and resentful that he has created such chaos, fear, and anxiety for so many people. I am really struggling to take care of myself through this. When he first left and we all thought he’d be back in a few days, I told myself I wasn’t even going to bother speaking to him again and I would ignore any attempt he made to contact me. Now that it has been this long and he has put me through so much hell, I want to let him know. But he’s in active addiction – he is not even able to understand the damage he has done. I need closure and I need to work on moving past my feelings of abandonment and I don’t know how to do that.

hopeful4

A missing persons report is filed. That is all you can do. And steele yourself for when he runs out of money, friends, drugs, and housing that he will come crawling back. It won't help to wait by the door so you can tell him your hurts. He knows, he just chooses addiction over all of that b/c that is what he is.

This sounds harsh, and I don't mean it to. I just want you to see that this has been 10 YEARS! You deserve more, a future without addiction.

Nothing changes unless you make the changes. I suggest you see a counselor who specializes in addiction. It made all the difference for me.

zoso77

Hope,

Trust me when I say closure is highly overrated.

Let's assume for the sake of the discussion he magically materializes in front of you, and you are given the opportunity to get everything off your chest so you can get closure. Guess what? He's not capable of absorbing any of it, and you would walk away from that encounter even more frustrated that you were before.

As poorly as he has behaved, and as much as he's put you and his mother through hell, that's nothing compared to what he's doing to himself. He's given himself permission to self destruct. You don't have to pay the price for that. Nor does his mother. He pays the price.

If you want to move forward, you accept that he's gone, and you start putting one foot in front of the other while acknowledging that things are going to suck for a while. It's either that or stay stuck. And trust me when I say staying stuck sucks.

mejo

I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say. Just, hang in there.

Hope7726

Thank you. And hopeful, I have only been with him for a little over a year. He was actually clean for almost 9 years before this happened. Just to clarify. I go to counseling and Nar-Anon. I guess it will just take time. I feel really damaged by this.

zoso77

Oh, I know that feeling. That's what I felt like for a day or so after my AXGF and I broke up.

But then something funny happened. It really, really sunk in that whatever she was doing had nothing to do with me. She was (and is) sick. And I just decided that enough was enough, and it was time to get better.

Within 4 weeks of the breakup, I was doing pretty well. And within 2 1/2 months of the breakup, I was doing really, really well. She gave me a gift without even knowing it.

9111111

If you have access to his bank account or can have the police check his balance it should be easy to determine where he is and when he will be back. I'm very sorry, but his "homecoming" most likely won't be about you and your fears, but all about him and his needs.

Days turning into weeks weaken our strength and eat our souls.

When he returns you might feel glad and very exhausted, but hopefully not too exhausted to stand up for yourself: His bank account will be overdrawn, the job probably gone, debts to pay and an addiction to feed.

Hope7726

We've given the police all of the information we have. Like a lot of addicts, he was living a double life so there's so much we don't know. But we have scraped together every little thing we can think of. I know I shouldn't, but I feel like an idiot for not knowing he was using when he was living with me.

He already lost his job just prior to this. He has lost EVERYTHING. I'm becoming very anxious about how I will feel when he shows up again (I project, it's what I do). I am definitely leaning towards ignoring him. I already blocked him from all social media even though he hasn't used it in months. His phone is turned off for non-payment. I know he would be way too ashamed to simply show up at my door (I kicked him out a couple of months ago so he doesn't live there anymore).

biminiblue

Then make a plan for what you will do and what you will say. Write it down if you think it will help. Then hand it to him as you shut the door.

Seriously, I don't see that he has anything to offer. There is never closure when two people disengage. I have been divorced 25 years and I still don't know exactly what happened. Believe me, I care not at all anymore. Really, I stopped caring about the "why" about two weeks after he moved out.

9111111

It might be useful to talk to the police / DV centre about his return and your safety.

He's been living a double life so you probably can't be too certain about his drug(s) of choice, the underlying mental issues and what withdrawel might look like. Meeting in person might not be a good idea. Please stay safe.