My rules for surviving the chaos of being involved with a cocaine addict
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 493
My rules for surviving the chaos of being involved with a cocaine addict
Again, this is part of a much longer post - but believe it easier to read in 'pieces'. The RULE should be 'NEVER be involved with an addict / active or not'. But we are human beings - and I don't honestly know when that day will come when I will say 'ENOUGH'. For now there is too much love flowing through my veins. And FAITH. Faith in this life. Faith in God. Faith that H will one day be healed.
Anyway, below are a few of 'my' rules which keep me sane. I would like to claim these lessons as all being self taught - but not without my fellow members here on SR... who have walked with me, held my hand, touched my cheek. Held me up. Stopped me from falling. To Vale, Zozo, Cynical One, Ann, Kindeyes, Englishgarden and everyone else - THANK YOU.
So when the love of my life has relapsed I try to remember this:
1) That this is NOT about me. This is all about him.
2)This is REAL. Accept it – make a plan – be strong.
3) I immediately say a prayer – to Christ – and am reminded that I am loved. That I am complete. That I need to get OUT. Immediately.
4) That all the love in the world will not help H – unless he helps himself.
5) All addiction takes one down the same path – and at some stage the path splits into three – there are ONLY three outcomes – Complete recovery (very, very rare): Institution; DEATH.
6) You DON’T have to remain in a relationship with an addict.
7) IF you chose to stay – be absolutely 150% sure you can handle it. Be so spiritually grounded in your belief that when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan – you KNOW to walk. Or to stay – but your very faith in God, in yourself transcends the chaos – and protects you with a shield – more powerful than the addiction.
8) Do NOT stop writing, posting, reading on SR – no matter how ‘clean’ your addict is. No matter how ‘fine’ you are.
9) Addiction is a force we cannot understand.
10) The moment you try to understand the addiction – you are trying to connect with the person – as though they are ‘normal’- and this process will send you on a rollercoaster of emotions – only to your detriment.
11) Love, tears, begging, pleading – will not alter the addicts choices. They will just increase the momentum of the viscous cycle of USING; SHAME; GUILT; USING. Around and around you go.
12) Choose to STEP off the circle.
13) Choose to be healthy.
14) PRAY!!! Find strength in your HP – in Christ.
15) Don’t hate the addict. Don’t blame the addict. Love the addict. But love with a private strength. Love from a distance.
16) This is the hardest part – believing that love will conquer all. It doesn’t. Healthy love comes from God. Healthy love demonstrated through respect, keeping promises, committing to the future, being trustworthy, reliable and responsible. All these traits are impossible to find in an addicted relationship.
17) And GUILT. For most of us – the hardest part is accepting that love does not mean staying - and exposing yourself, your children – to addiction. That you are NOT being UNFAITHFUL by leaving. If you remain – without the tools to cope – you will get caught up in a web of deceit and lies. What legacy is this to pass onto your children? You will become just as sick as the addict.
18) If you choose to stay – be absolutely sure YOU don’t have an ulterior motive. Martyrdom, living through someone else, playing the victim – many, many people choose to stay for reason all about themselves. It is the grandest excuse – when you are breathing your last breath – to say ‘my life was a ball of sh*t – as I gave it all up for my addict.
19) Don’t threaten the addict.
20) Focus on yourself. Your life. Your dreams.
21) Do not put your life on hold – waiting for the addict to recover – get better – you will wait forever – and the precious gift of life – the gift God has given you – will grow worn and tattered before you even get a chance to open it.
22) As much as you love your addict. As much as you want to believe your addict. You must understand that all addicts lie and manipulate. They are masters of deception. They know exactly what you need to hear – to keep you ‘happy’ and at a ‘safe distance’ so they can carry on how they wish.
And if you break that distance – if you see through the lies – they will toss you aside like a used broken toy. TRUST me on this one – I KNOW that H loves me utterly – loves me to the best of his ability – loves me more than anyone. I KNOW he dreams of a future with me. He dreams of a normal life.
But these are just dreams. I thought they were real – but they are just dreams. Castles in the sky. And God forbid I challenge him - see through him – which is what I did – he too tossed ME aside. ME??? Of all the people in the world.
So what am I doing now?
I came home.
I pray for him every day.
I have shed tears
When I feel that nausea – I take a breath. I say a prayer
What will I do if he ‘comes back’?
I don’t really know. A million questions:
What if I give him a chance – and the next relapse is only in a few years from now – then I am in my mid forties – and precious years of my life wasted?
Why doesn’t God give me a clearer answer to my prayers?
I don’t see the pink neon sign reading ‘GET OUT’.
But nor do I see it reading ‘STAY’.
For now, I light a candle every night for H. For now I pray.
God bless you all on SR.
Anyway, below are a few of 'my' rules which keep me sane. I would like to claim these lessons as all being self taught - but not without my fellow members here on SR... who have walked with me, held my hand, touched my cheek. Held me up. Stopped me from falling. To Vale, Zozo, Cynical One, Ann, Kindeyes, Englishgarden and everyone else - THANK YOU.
So when the love of my life has relapsed I try to remember this:
1) That this is NOT about me. This is all about him.
2)This is REAL. Accept it – make a plan – be strong.
3) I immediately say a prayer – to Christ – and am reminded that I am loved. That I am complete. That I need to get OUT. Immediately.
4) That all the love in the world will not help H – unless he helps himself.
5) All addiction takes one down the same path – and at some stage the path splits into three – there are ONLY three outcomes – Complete recovery (very, very rare): Institution; DEATH.
6) You DON’T have to remain in a relationship with an addict.
7) IF you chose to stay – be absolutely 150% sure you can handle it. Be so spiritually grounded in your belief that when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan – you KNOW to walk. Or to stay – but your very faith in God, in yourself transcends the chaos – and protects you with a shield – more powerful than the addiction.
8) Do NOT stop writing, posting, reading on SR – no matter how ‘clean’ your addict is. No matter how ‘fine’ you are.
9) Addiction is a force we cannot understand.
10) The moment you try to understand the addiction – you are trying to connect with the person – as though they are ‘normal’- and this process will send you on a rollercoaster of emotions – only to your detriment.
11) Love, tears, begging, pleading – will not alter the addicts choices. They will just increase the momentum of the viscous cycle of USING; SHAME; GUILT; USING. Around and around you go.
12) Choose to STEP off the circle.
13) Choose to be healthy.
14) PRAY!!! Find strength in your HP – in Christ.
15) Don’t hate the addict. Don’t blame the addict. Love the addict. But love with a private strength. Love from a distance.
16) This is the hardest part – believing that love will conquer all. It doesn’t. Healthy love comes from God. Healthy love demonstrated through respect, keeping promises, committing to the future, being trustworthy, reliable and responsible. All these traits are impossible to find in an addicted relationship.
17) And GUILT. For most of us – the hardest part is accepting that love does not mean staying - and exposing yourself, your children – to addiction. That you are NOT being UNFAITHFUL by leaving. If you remain – without the tools to cope – you will get caught up in a web of deceit and lies. What legacy is this to pass onto your children? You will become just as sick as the addict.
18) If you choose to stay – be absolutely sure YOU don’t have an ulterior motive. Martyrdom, living through someone else, playing the victim – many, many people choose to stay for reason all about themselves. It is the grandest excuse – when you are breathing your last breath – to say ‘my life was a ball of sh*t – as I gave it all up for my addict.
19) Don’t threaten the addict.
20) Focus on yourself. Your life. Your dreams.
21) Do not put your life on hold – waiting for the addict to recover – get better – you will wait forever – and the precious gift of life – the gift God has given you – will grow worn and tattered before you even get a chance to open it.
22) As much as you love your addict. As much as you want to believe your addict. You must understand that all addicts lie and manipulate. They are masters of deception. They know exactly what you need to hear – to keep you ‘happy’ and at a ‘safe distance’ so they can carry on how they wish.
And if you break that distance – if you see through the lies – they will toss you aside like a used broken toy. TRUST me on this one – I KNOW that H loves me utterly – loves me to the best of his ability – loves me more than anyone. I KNOW he dreams of a future with me. He dreams of a normal life.
But these are just dreams. I thought they were real – but they are just dreams. Castles in the sky. And God forbid I challenge him - see through him – which is what I did – he too tossed ME aside. ME??? Of all the people in the world.
So what am I doing now?
I came home.
I pray for him every day.
I have shed tears
When I feel that nausea – I take a breath. I say a prayer
What will I do if he ‘comes back’?
I don’t really know. A million questions:
What if I give him a chance – and the next relapse is only in a few years from now – then I am in my mid forties – and precious years of my life wasted?
Why doesn’t God give me a clearer answer to my prayers?
I don’t see the pink neon sign reading ‘GET OUT’.
But nor do I see it reading ‘STAY’.
For now, I light a candle every night for H. For now I pray.
God bless you all on SR.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
Thank you Lara - your post helped me so much. I have been suffering - trying to make excuses and trying to live in denial with this last relapse. But, it's here now. 
You are so right - with everything you wrote.
God Bless!
You are so right - with everything you wrote.
God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 574
Thank you Lara, this is an awesome post. I am sure this is written from pain. No one would choose this path. Not the addict nor their loved ones. But you are right about everything that you have shared. I wish you a peaceful heart.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Thanks Lara for a good reminder. I haven't posted on this thread in an extremely long while because I've been posting on newcomers for me but I strongly suspect husband is out tonight. As in out doing his old thing. So the reminder to take a deep breath AND also not to stop posting here are especially helpful because it's impacting me. And dang it. He almost made it a year.
Again, thank you.
Again, thank you.
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