Join Date: Jun 2012
To all whose partner is a cocaine addict
This is a long thread – I hope you read it through.
I have loved a man for over 10 years who is addicted to cocaine. And I want to share my experience with all of you here – who are in desperate pain, and bewilderment at the sheer selfishness and destruction of this disease. Who believe if you just love them ENOUGH and just keep on supporting - that all will be well again.
As I get older and our love deepens, so does his disease. With each cycle of relapse comes a deepening of loss and sadness and realisation that this is NOT going away. Yes, after TEN years I am still in the cycle of addiction. Yes, it is HIS disease NOT mine – but I am still here – right by his side. Lapping it in. Yes, with the unbelievable help of this forum I would be an utter mess at the moment with his umpteenth relapse. I would be wondering WHY? What have I done? What can I do to make it better? But I know, as the blood runs through my veins, that there is NOT A GOD DAMN thing I can do about it. So why don’t I walk away? This is what I would advise all of you to do. But I can’t! I love this man. I love him with everything I have. Yes, this could be as a result of my co-dependent childhood, but maybe, just maybe there is true love out there. A soul connection. I would rather have HALF this man then a WHOLE of someone else.
So where does this leave me? It leaves me lonely. It leaves me questioning myself a lot of the time. It was my birthday in September. I was dressed and waiting for H to pick me up – to take me to my favourite restaurant. He NEVER arrived. No phone call. NOTHING. He literally vanished from my life as quickly as he could snort a line of cocaine. And this is after 10 years of loving each other. I have not heard from him since. I know he will come back. With promises of castles in the sky. And for now, I know I will take him back. I so desperately want him to get better. But I know this is not possible.
Please, all you young souls out there. If you can, walk away. If you truly believe this is love, and you want to stay – then arm yourself with FAITH. With a solid self believe – that this is NOT about you. That your life must continue when ‘their’ life crumbles. Don’t’ be pulled into that deep, dark hole of despair and evil. Pray. Light a candle for them – but remove yourself. And God forbid you have children – if you can’t leave for yourself – leave for your children. NEVER expose vulnerable souls to the evil face of addiction.
I am repeating a thread I first posted 3 years ago – I am reposting here – as NOTHING has changed – I could have written it today. My love to you all and God Bless. For surely we deserve so much better…
I have not posted in over a year. Happily lulled into a false sense of security that ‘my addict’ – H (the initial of his first name) is different. Is clean. That our love is so great, we have finally conquered his addiction. (Note the use of ‘we’). That it’s true – we have beaten the odds. That we have proved that throw enough love at the addict – surround him with family, friends, pets, children, prayers – ‘normal life’ – you can smother the flames of addiction.
For almost the past two years we have been living in a magical realm. Of friendship, laughter, shared tears, shared dreams, shared business, a shared future. Wonderful holidays, dancing, music, friends and love. Tenderness & joy all wrapped in silver thread.
We still live in separate countries – but the love so great we share the travel – so essentially not apart for more than 2 weeks. A love so great, that after 15 years or so – we are planning to buy a home together. With a beautiful garden, rooms enough for friends to visit – and a huge tree with a swing – for my beautiful little boy.
When apart we phone each other at least 5 times a day – we share the small stuff and the big. And every night he calls to wish me sweet dreams – and every morning upon waking he calls to wish me a safe and happy day.
Then 2 weeks ago I travelled to his country (where I have a successful business and a home too – so very blessed). BUT for the first time months he didn’t bring me a ‘welcome back gift’. I hardly noticed. For the first time in months he didn’t plan to pick me up at the airport – I didn’t mind – I’m independent – have my own driver. For the first time in months he didn’t rush to my home as soon as he had a gap. I didn’t really mind, he’s busy after all. For the first time in months he didn’t take me out for a romantic dinner. I didn’t mind as we would do it the next night – can’t always be the stuff of romance. For the first time in months he didn’t take my hand. For the first time in months, when he did arrive that evening, he seemed distant. He seemed ‘stoned’. But I didn’t notice – he explained he was tired, stressed and over worked. Just as that nagging gut feeling rose its ‘uninvited’ head – something is wrong – H swooped to the rescue with words of undying love – a commitment to the future – he seemed to read my mind – as he always has – settled all my fears. He’s gorgeous and a combination of a smile which can light up the room – and the ability to make me feel like that ‘one in a billion’ – he won me over again – all was right with the world.
But something still bothered me – I felt anxious but couldn’t quite pin point it. For a few days he seemed ‘distant’ and definitely ‘stoned’ not quite himself. But I must be mistaken – I told myself to stop worrying – stop overreacting – H is clean. So I ignored EVERYTHING my gut was telling me.
Then a few days later – my world was blown apart. He told me he was battling – that he had used cocaine. And immediately I stepped off the realm of truth and reality and was lulled by his sweet tongue – I drank it all in by making these desperate mistakes:
1. I so desperately wanted to believe that this was temporary.
2. I allowed my future dreams to be intertwined with his – I allowed my future happiness to be directly connected to him. This put me in a very dangerous position – of absolutely relying on him. Made me very vulnerable.
3. I complimented him on his ‘honesty’. I felt encouraged by his willingness to share his vulnerability. How naďve could I have been?? I did not see he was simply quacking – making more promises to break – just to placate me.
4. I believed by his sharing – that we would ‘walk this together’.
5. Then, when I simply wanted him to commit to his promises – inadvertently putting pressure on him – my ‘sweet, honest H, who was prepared to conquer the world for me – to slay the dragon bearing cocaine - was no longer that sweet.
6. Within hours he went from sharing and discussing therapy together - to ‘this is not a real relapse’ – and the final blow ‘I NEED SPACE’. Oh he said it very sweetly.
7. So I gave him space. But after the days went by – this man who loves me so – stopped calling. Stopped responding. COMPLETELY & UTTERLY CUT ME OUT!
Thank God – the above ‘cycle’ only lasted a week. Before I joined SR (almost 3 years ago) I would have been in a very different place. I would have begged, pleaded, cried, pondered my very existence, blamed it all on myself and gone into a spiral of depression.
Thank God for my complete faith in Christ – and all the years of therapy and advice from SR – I was immediately able to see the situation for what it truly was – FULL BLOWN RELAPSE. Cocaine had entered his world. And I had a choice – Cocaine was NOT going to enter MY world.
I didn’t even bother to ask how often – how much – for in that VERY instant, as my stomach churned, as I wanted to be sick, as I felt the room spinning – I remembered EVERY single piece of advice ever given to me on SR – especially the powerful words of ENGLISHGARDEN. That this is NOT about me. This is all about him. This is REAL. Accept it – make a plan – be strong. I immediately said a prayer – to Christ – and I was reminded that I am loved. That I am complete. That I need to get OUT. Immediately. That all the love in the world will not help H – unless he helps himself.
And just a few points for all the new comers and anyone here who believes their addict is different – please read below the powerful lessons I have learnt – they are critical to remember – whilst we walk this road of addiction:
1. All addiction takes one down the same path – and at some stage the path splits into three – there are ONLY three outcomes – Complete recovery (very, very rare): Institution; DEATH.
2. You DON’T have to remain in a relationship with an addict.
3. IF you chose to stay – be absolutely 150% sure you can handle it. Be so spiritually grounded in your belief that when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan – you KNOW to walk. Or to stay – but your very faith in God, in yourself transcends the chaos – and protects you with a shield – more powerful than the addiction.
4. Do NOT stop writing, posting, reading on SR – no matter how ‘clean’ your addict is. No matter how ‘fine’ you are.
5. Addiction is a force we cannot understand.
6. The moment you try to understand the addiction – you are trying to connect with the person – as though they are ‘normal’- and this process will send you on a rollercoaster of emotions – only to your detriment.
7. Love, tears, begging, pleading – will not alter the addicts choices. They will just increase the momentum of the viscous circle of using; shame; guilt; using. Around and around you go.
8. Choose to STEP off the circle.
9. Choose to be healthy.
10. PRAY!!! Find strength in your HP – in Christ.
11. Don’t hate the addict. Don’t blame the addict. Love the addict. But love with a private strength. Love from a distance.
12. This is the hardest part – believing that love will conquer all. It doesn’t. Healthy love comes from God. Healthy love demonstrated through respect, keeping promises, committing to the future, being trustworthy, reliable and responsible. All these traits are impossible to find in an addicted relationship.
13. And GUILT. For most of us – the hardest part is accepting that love does not mean staying - and exposing yourself, your children – to addiction. That you are NOT being UNFAITHFUL by leaving. If you remain – without the tools to cope – you will get caught up in a web of deceit and lies. What legacy is this to pass onto your children? You will become just as sick as the addict.
14. If you choose to stay – be absolutely sure YOU don’t have an ulterior motive. Martyrdom, living through someone else, playing the victim – many, many people choose to stay for reason all about themselves. It is the grandest excuse – when you are breathing your last breath – to say ‘my life was a ball of sh*t – as I gave it all up for my addict.
15. Don’t threaten the addict.
16. Focus on yourself. Your life. Your dreams.
17. Do not put your life on hold – waiting for the addict to recover – get better – you will wait forever – and the precious gift of life – the gift God has given you – will grow worn and tattered before you even get a chance to open it.
18. As much as you love your addict. As much as you want to believe your addict. You must understand that all addicts lie and manipulate. They are masters of deception. They know exactly what you need to hear – to keep you ‘happy’ and at a ‘safe distance’ so they can carry on how they wish. And if you break that distance – if you see through the lies – they will toss you aside like a used broken toy. TRUST me on this one – I KNOW that H loves me utterly – loves me to the best of his ability – loves me more than anyone. I KNOW he dreams of a future with me. He dreams of a normal life. But these are just dreams. I thought they were real – but they are just dreams. Castles in the sky. And God forbid I challenge him - see through him – which is what I did – he too tossed ME aside. ME??? Of all the people in the world.
So what am I doing now?
I came home.
I pray for him every day.
I have shed tears
When I feel that nausea – I take a breath. I say a prayer
Yes, I called last night – I buckled. But he did not pick up. Thank God
I will try not to call again. So, so difficult – this is the man I love – whom I use to speak with every day.
What will I do if he ‘comes back’? I don’t really know. I will give him another chance. (Very dangerous I know). But with boundaries. I truly have reached the end of the road. This will be the last time. But a million questions:
What if I give him a chance – and the next relapse is only in a few years from now – then I am in my mid forties – and precious years of my life wasted?
Why doesn’t God give me a clearer answer to my prayers?
I don’t see the pink neon sign reading ‘GET OUT’.
But nor do I see it reading ‘STAY’.
For now, I light a candle every night for H. For now I pray.
God bless you all on SR.