I must change
 

I must change

Spirit of the Universe, I pray to remember,
No one can make me change.
No one can stop me from changing.
No one really knows how I must change,
Not even I. Not until I start.
Help me remember that it only takes a slight shift
In direction to begin to change my life.

From Hazeldon Daily Message

Today I prayed this prayer.

Have been very down and discouraged but I know this is true...although I am new to this layer of recovery...I am not new to recovery...

Although I am overwhelmed by the realization of how deep my need for recovery goes...I am going to work this one small step at a time.

I am going to get up and be today.

I don't know exactly what that means...have a plan in my head...but recently nothing I plan comes to fruition because I feel so bad...so not going to talk about what I am going to do...but just going to get up and be. That will be enough for God to take me to the rest of whatever the day has in store.

I am grateful to be alive and for a husband who, after 7 months away, will be home on 11/20. I will have a bit more support then...although I still need my naranon meetings and to continue these small changes...the slight shifts.

I did it on Thursday--rather than impulsively going to my brother's daughter's wedding because I had just enough for a cheap plane fare...calling ahead to ask if there was any free or cheap place to stay (answer no); telling him I didn't want to go if I wasn't welcome (the family all kept relationship with Mom when she scapegoated me 13 years ago and I LOVE family but they all get uncomfortable when I am around...and there are grudges although to me it has all been silent treatment--there is no silence on their part) and this brother has always been honest with me...so I asked him...he said...when you and Mom are together there is tension...so I know that I am not welcome...I guess I did anyway...I am not allowed to talk at family gathers (& they have gotten fewer and fewer) but I needed to be able to release Mom in love before being able to take this step of calling ahead and discerning what is true...and then just relieving him (& myself) without shaming, blaming or anything else. Also not caretaking him by allowing him to have all the troubles and making them worse than my own--it is finally bad enough that I know it is not worse...and yet I didn't whine or complain...so proud of me...but also thing I was very sad...my naranon group said I was finally feeling...so that is good. It was a quiet sad...but truly sad...

So today it is time to get up and get a cup of coffee and see what goes from there.

My son went to a soccer tournament so more alone than the past 1 1/2 weeks when he came home -- he is 20 and going to school and working and good company when he is here which isn't much--just enough to know I am not as completely alone in the world as I was feeling and in many senses, since the job stopped truthfully experiencing.

OK--today I will get up--praying that God will give me the energy to attend my favorite annual antique show...haven't been in a couple of years...but have to get ready first.

God bless to all here.