mejo

Hi,

It's been a while since I have posted. Thought I would check in. Well, he goes for about 16 days and then relapses. This is the 3rd or 4th 16 day stretch and relapse. I am so tired of the jerk he becomes when it is getting ready to happen. But what really makes me mad is that I stay supportive through all the bull and the yelling and the threats to only be hurt again.

But, this last relapse was my last. Something feels different inside me. I do not feel panic. I do not feel sad. He lost his job three weeks ago. He and I both know why, but he still will not admit drug use had any part of it. So, he has been the stay at home spouse. Funny thing is, I have pretty much still been doing everything. Taking the kids in the morning, picking them up when I get off, laundry, cooking. Oh and then if I say anything about it, he freaks out! Omg, it's stupid. He is not contributing anything except being a jerk. So, the other night he was struggling. I was compassionate. Then, Friday I hear nothing from him. Start calling him at 1 in the afternoon. No answer. I knew. I finally get a hold of him and he admitted getting high. I finally had my fill. I will not be taken advantage of, taken for granted, treated like **** anymore! Nope. Not to be ruthless, but he has nothing to offer this marriage anymore. I hurts more to be with him than it does without him. I feel bad because he is essentially homeless, but that was his choice when he got high.

Who knows how long I will feel this way, but I am on a three day streak! Longest ever!!! Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Have a great day!

lucky236

What role is he playing in this marriage if he cant even get his act together? Hes only focusing on himself and his addiction. Addicts are very selfish and often show no remorse for anything. Maybe it takes losing everything for him to realize and finally wake up to what hes doing and try to change. Im actually glad you are not taking anymore of his abuse. Everything you say he has been doing shows that hes not capable to love or take care of others. You and your children do not deserve this. This is not love this is abuse. Please dont rely on him for peace of mind, stability and happiness.

mejo

I totally agree. And the kicker is when I try to ask him with he has been doing all day other than laying on his balls and watching Scandal, he gets mad. He even said "when you were a stay at home mom, I never questioned what you did all day". Ah, yeah, because I worked my ass off to make sure stuff was done! I hate that he does not even try! And he always says "nothing will ever make you happy, nothing is good enough". I could scream!! His brain is mush. His short term memory is gone. That is super annoying as well. Grrr!

lucky236

Hes trying to diffuse his own issues by magnifying yours. Hes comfortable with you taking responsibility for everything and where hes at. If he cares he would help out and feel the need to change but right now hes acting not like an adult let alone a husband. His brain is lost somewhere in the sea of addiction but if he tries to get his act straight, things can get better. But please for right now dont accept hows he treating you as what you deserve.

mejo

Yep. I am done excepting less than. He has the potential, but he is being a self loathing addict right now. I can't help him, nor do I want to. This is his mess. He can clean it up.

mejo

Well, he tried to call last night. I did not answer. First time EVER! Then he txt. Asked for clothes to be set in the garage. I did not txt back, but I did leave clothes in the garage. They are his clothes, even tho I specifically told him to take what he needed on Friday as I would not accept that old "I need this or that" crap.

Strangely, I am calm. Not panicking, obsessing, crying, or pacing. Someone in Alanon told me "you will know when you have had enough" and this feels like that time. I avoid his calls because I don't want to hear the same lies and hateful spew. Who knows if this is my end. I am trying to keep myself in my bubble of protection from myself. I have to make this about me. Not him. I can't force him to rock bottom, nor do I want to. I love me and today I choose me and my kids. Who knows how I will feel tomorrow but today is bliss.