KeepinItReal

Lying to myself. I have been in such huge denial that after my AH last relapse he was going to be able to pull it together... Or that the suboxine clinic would really work this time. The truth is.. I want my family together. He has been trying to convince me I'm crazy again. I'm the bad guy for being upset that he's out getting high and being irresponsible. I want him to leave, I don't want him to leave.
I think of strong cases for both. I have protected myself but I'm not immune to the disaster his problem causes. I want to believe he will be better, like when he actually is. But, no more than a few months at a time. I'm starting to believe he will never change.
Wishing for boring and routine and stability. Is it so much to ask for?
I am my problem. I can't do what is best for me because I don't know what it is. I am clouded and confused and pathetic. I want to say enough is enough and kick him out. But, I don't. Why???????????????
I need to do it.... But I just want to stay in my denial... And live my lie because I so badly want him to be stable, strong, supportive. How can someone be those things, then the just stop. I hate that he's both of these people. Wonderful and terrible and I just want stability.... But I don't think it will ever be with him.
I'm coping. This is so hard. Sad.

Calmwater

It's so hard when you see glimpses of the person you loved before the addiction took over. You're not pathetic, you're sad, and conflicted, because this is a terrible thing to go through. One day, you get to a point when it hurts more to stay then to go, and that's when you finally walk away.

It's such an insidious disease, it takes them away, little by little, until we realize we're living with a stranger, and then we realize, it took parts of us away too. Then there's recovery, and you're suddenly talking to the person you fell in love with again, and it breaks your heart all over. Do you try to believe again? How many times? All we can do is keep working on ourselves, and hope they do the same. I'm so sorry you're hurting. As someone recently said to me, addiction sucks!

I'm sad tonight too, so please know you're not alone. You are coping, and it is really hard. When it comes down to it we're stronger then we think we are, take care of you right now.

Ann

Hope is not lying to yourself, hope is seeing the signs of recovery and wanting to believe that this will last. Sadly, it often does not. It can make us crazy trying to adjust out minds with our circumstances.

With my son, I found that when he was using I worried about him finding sobriety before he killed himself...and when he was clean, I worried about him relapsing and killing himself. See the pattern? At some point, after many relapses, the time came when my mind became a blur of fear, no matter how my son was. I lived in constant fear, constantly watching for "the signs" and codependently thinking I could control any of this.

There came a time when I knew my son's addiction was killing me. I had to let go or go down with him. I could not save him but his addiction could make ME sicker.

What helped me most of all was to say a prayer every morning and give my son's care to God, asking Him to do for my son what I could not. And then I live in faith that the rest is between my son and God...and I embrace each day and find joy in every sunrise, living life as it was meant to be lived.

It takes time. The answers come when they come, but when they do we are wiser and can do the next good thing for ourselves.

My prayers go out for you and your husband. It's heart breaking to watch those we love most, self-destruct.

Hugs

chicory

Keepingitreal,

Ann's comment makes me think of when prisoners are mentally tortured, and they become full of fear of the next thing. How helpless they are, to change their circumstances.

We , the ones who love the addicts, are as powerless to change them as if we had our hands tied behind our backs. But we can stop our mental fears, with help and recovery from the mental abuse that WE bring on ourselves by our continuing to try to change them, control them, cure them.

I am so sorry. I hope you find peace...I am looking for it too, by starting Al-anon meetings. It has already helped me, just in knowing I am not alone. I have begun taking it a minute at a time, at times, deciding to live this minute in peace and happiness, because I deserve to.

hope things become clearer for you.

jodigrind11

Im sorry for what ur going thru. I feel crazy, mad, an obsessed with all this. Getting to meeting on wendesday. Praying for u

mistyeye

I myself am waiting for the man I fell in-love with to come home. Then I pray he doesnt because after all the heartache and pain he has caused through his addiction I just dont want it anymore. I am sad and lonely right now. It is just a passing moment. I just got out of the hospital from having a major anxiety attack. Sitting alone in a hospital bed made me realize this is killing me. I have decided my ABF doesnt care and has made his choice and it is completely out of my control. I can control myself and my son. I pray every morning that God takes care of him and just go on with my day. It is hard to loose the man or woman you fell in-love with desperately wishing that person would just come back. They wont unless they want to. Someone had told me my ABF was my addiction and I needed to put him down and walk away. I am in the process of doing that. I just want you to know it is one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Someday I will be with the right man and have a happy life. Just need to move on. Hope this helps because you are not alone....

zoso77

I don't believe this for a second. You know what's best for you. It just so happens that in this case, what's best for you is not coterminous with what you want.

But that's life. Sometimes we're confronted with decisions we don't want to make. Doing the right thing, at times, can be an extremely difficult thing to do. And it's when we're confronted with those tough decisions that we find out what we're made of.

KeepinItReal

Zoso- agreed. I do know what would be best for me and find it kind of pathetic of myself to keep lying. I put the excuses and better interests of everyone before my own bc it makes me feel I'm taking care of everything. I have actually asked him to lleave numerous times the last few weeks and told him I can't take it anymore. But, he knows I love him so I give him chance after chance.
He agreed to 6 months rehab last night. It's free and it gets him out. Problem is.... he won't go until after Christmas... but we do have 2 kids that he does love.

Needabreak

Sounds like you're not done yet, Keepngitreal.

lucky236

So what is he exactly doing now to get himself better? It seems to me he will find ways to use till after christmas? What if things get out of hand? Hes stalling time you can make any promises out of thin air but words are just words. Theres nothing stable about this situation right now.

KeepinItReal

Agreed it could be empty promises. Agreed I'm not done yet.

jjj111

KIR, I've followed your story and remember that last year around this time he was singing the same song, rehab after the holidays. It must feel like groundhog day. I hope that things will get better for you, one way or another!

AnvilheadII

He agreed to 6 months rehab last night. It's free and it gets him out. Problem is.... he won't go until after Christmas
ok, wait a sec. is this a repost? didn't ya'll do this exact thing already and he left the program early??

is he saying he won't go til after Xmas....or is there a waiting list? and what is his PLAN between now and then? is he staying clean or living it up til it's time to go?

yeah he loves his kids. but is he pulling out all the stops to be the BEST DAD for them? I hope rehab doesn't become some sort of time out for you guys....

trust me I hope he gets it. but I worry about how you are faring thru all this.....