what do you guys think?

Old 11-07-2014, 04:51 PM
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what do you guys think?

AH says he needs to fix himself before we can ever think of being togeather again. He says he cant hurt me anymore. Says he loves me deeply but he cant keep leaving, spending my money i work for, haveing me borrowing money from my mom to bail us out, trying to find money that isnt there. Says i deserve better. Says he has to find out why he does drugs. Just wondering what everbody thinks? This is a first time hes evver said this usually its im so sorry, it wont happen again, i sick of meth, on n on n on. I feel like my soul has been ripped out!
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Old 11-07-2014, 05:13 PM
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if he is being honest then i hope he finds help but me being me with my sneaky head on i think he knows he has said sorry so many times before that now he want to try a bit of reverse pycho on you
in other words you will not want him to leave you so you will carry on helping him out

so please for your own sake take it as it is and hopefully he is being honest and will go away and get the help he needed
if he isnt being honest then he will soon be back in touch asking why you havent been asking him to stay

so chin up and let him go, if he does get the help he needs then he can change things around and become a real good guy but first of all he has to face himself just like i have to and had to

good luck to you
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Old 11-07-2014, 05:32 PM
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Im not helping him out at all. He moved out almost 3mths ago after being on another binge on meth. I do nothing for him n he has not asked me for anything.
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Old 11-07-2014, 05:41 PM
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well i hope you forgive me, as i thought this was a problem you was facing here and now ?
i didnt know he has been gone for 3 months
so why have you decided to post up a thread about him then if there is nothing between you for the last 3 months ?
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Old 11-07-2014, 05:43 PM
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I think you may want to believe him. He recognizes that he is out of control, maybe one day he will decide to do something about it but it's unlikely that day is today and it may not be any time soon.

In the meantime you are wise to live your own life without all the chaos.

It's very sad to watch them self-destruct but does us no good to stand close enough to blow up with them.

Hugs
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Old 11-07-2014, 06:15 PM
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Originally Posted by jodigrind11 View Post
AH says he needs to fix himself before we can ever think of being togeather again. He says he cant hurt me anymore. Says he loves me deeply but he cant keep leaving, spending my money i work for, haveing me borrowing money from my mom to bail us out, trying to find money that isnt there. Says i deserve better. Says he has to find out why he does drugs. Just wondering what everbody thinks? This is a first time hes evver said this usually its im so sorry, it wont happen again, i sick of meth, on n on n on. I feel like my soul has been ripped out!
Well, he does drugs because he's addicted to them. And he continues to use them because giving up an addiction with that order of magnitude is an extremely difficult thing to do. It's easier to continue using, consequences be damned.

In my opinion, the "whys" don't matter in terms of what you have to do for yourself. It's time to rebuild yourself, one moment at a time. This doesn't mean you won't think of him, because you will. But what it does mean is you are no longer going to allow his addiction to hold you hostage.

And that is a very powerful, very positive choice.

You can get through this. Some days, it won't feel like it. But you can get through it.
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Old 11-07-2014, 07:39 PM
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Actions speak louder than words.
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Old 11-07-2014, 07:54 PM
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I think you need a hug. ((((Jodi)))). Stay strong.
I also think he's right. You are a hard-working, loving, caring and generous woman. You deserve much better that what he is capable of giving. At least he is self- aware enough to recognize and admit that his addiction is taking center stage in his life right now.
Take care. And if you can't make it to a meeting, there are Alanon podcasts available on the website. I listened to them quite a bit back when I was working up the courage to attend a live meeting, and with your hectic schedule and many obligations you might find some help there.
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Old 11-08-2014, 02:35 AM
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Despete, There is something between us.28 yrs .Just because hes not here i feel the after maths very hard to deal with. We talk or text once in a while but am trying to have no contact now. We have no family r friends here to talk to and he was my best friend for all these years. Take that back i did have 1 friend here from when i lived in kc mo before. Stsrted going to chuch with her n i really liked it. But she hasnt called me not 1 time since my son came home. She told someone she was afraid i would ask her to sit with hime sometime n she didnt want too. We have been friends for a long time n this has really hurt me. I would of bent over backwards to help her if this happened to her daughter. Going to find another church bc this church is so small it would feel very awkward for me..Just feeling very alone
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Old 11-08-2014, 05:34 AM
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jodigrind11,

Please do not give up on trying to find an AlAnon meeting. People who have not walked in our shoes cannot identify with spouses and parents of addicts. I attend an AlAnon group that's made up of almost exclusively parents of addicts and alcoholics. They share the problems they've had, some are still having, and the actions they've taken to go on and live a happy, productive life whether the addict/alcoholic is using or not. When I first started attending AlAnon a year ago I didn't think that was possible, but it is. I'm not happy, joyous, and free every day now, but my obsession with my son doesn't come as often and it doesn't last as long. I'm learning new behaviors to where I'm not reacting in an un-thought-out manner.

From my observation in the meetings a lot of times when the wife/husband/parent gets into recovery, and for me it's AlAnon, it disturbs the unhealthy balance and a lot of times the addicted one changes what they're doing because someone in the family found the courage and strength to get some help for themselves.

I'm sorry about your friend. I had that happen to me too and I felt betrayed.
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Old 11-08-2014, 05:46 AM
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Originally Posted by jodigrind11 View Post
Despete, There is something between us.28 yrs .Just because hes not here i feel the after maths very hard to deal with. We talk or text once in a while but am trying to have no contact now. We have no family r friends here to talk to and he was my best friend for all these years. Take that back i did have 1 friend here from when i lived in kc mo before. Stsrted going to chuch with her n i really liked it. But she hasnt called me not 1 time since my son came home. She told someone she was afraid i would ask her to sit with hime sometime n she didnt want too. We have been friends for a long time n this has really hurt me. I would of bent over backwards to help her if this happened to her daughter. Going to find another church bc this church is so small it would feel very awkward for me..Just feeling very alone
i understand your feeling very alone but also your running away from a friend who was once a friend to you

swaping churches all because of it
doesnt sound like the right thing to do either to me

your friend hasnt called you but when was the last time you called her ? she might be sitting there thinking the same way you are, ie that you was once her friend and you dont call her

as for things she is supposed to have said, how do you know there true ? did someone tell you this or did your friend tell you this herself ?

i think if your friends then you could at least give her the chance to defend herself as she might not of said it ?

you remind me of me in many ways as if things were not quite how i thought they should be well i would shoot them all and pack my things and move on somewhere else and start again

only when i would move somewhere else guess what would happen ?
the same things again i would make friends and sure enough they might upset me and they wouldnt be my friends anymore and i would run away again

dont know if any of this will make sense to you or not but i am only trying to help you look at things in a different way
good luck to you
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Old 11-08-2014, 06:28 AM
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jodigrind11,

None of this is your fault.
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Old 11-08-2014, 06:37 AM
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jodygrind11.

And I also want to say, from what I've read in your posts that it seems like every day something is happening to where you're feeling overwhelmed. Who wouldn't?

I believe you came to this board and are posting because you are seeking help, and sometimes all we need at the moment is for our feelings to be validated and to know that others have felt that way too. I know I've reached out in recovery and continue to do so, and at times not very graciously, but I have attained enough humility in sobriety to where I know I can't do this alone and don't want to anymore.

You've learned enough on here to know that we can't fix other people, nor can we control what they say, think, or feel about us. We've just got to seek God's guidance in our own particular situation. God bless you and your family.
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Old 11-08-2014, 06:47 AM
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jodigrind...you are here because you are seeking help and support. we are here. you are a good person and I resonate with much. The truth is that many people in the world just can't handle the really hard stuff and therefore run or avoid...that is not addiction related...it is human. As I have learned this and discovered it...I have found that being in places where there is support and gentle, kind people is the best thing...and SR is one of those places. It is very hard to be so very alone with such a situation as yours...and people often stay away in droves. You can be on here without having to be out...your feelings matter and can be validated here...as so many understand and you are not alone.

I hope you will keep coming back and processing and dealing as you are. In time, when you can get relief for your son's care, it might be helpful to you to get to a meeting...but right now...just keep coming...know that you have support and remember that recovery work takes time and self care...and yes, I understand the 28 years...

There is some great reading at the top that is helping me a lot on the days I can't get out...and please know that prayers and love are going your way.

One baby step at a time...
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Old 11-08-2014, 08:19 AM
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I have called pher n left many messages for her to call me back. No calls what so ever. It was an older lady at church that told me that. I was really upset n said i didnt understand why she wasnt calling me back. She wouldnt lie n didnt want to hurt my feelings. But i needed to no why. I will some how make it to the meeting on wensday no matter what.
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Old 11-08-2014, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by jodigrind11 View Post
I have called pher n left many messages for her to call me back. No calls what so ever. It was an older lady at church that told me that. I was really upset n said i didnt understand why she wasnt calling me back. She wouldnt lie n didnt want to hurt my feelings. But i needed to no why. I will some how make it to the meeting on wensday no matter what.
she didnt want to hurt your feelings yet she told you something about a friend of yours that would hurt your feelings ?

well if there are members of that church who do that to each other then i guess you are right to want to get away from people like that you dont need that sort of person causing trouble

how do you know this person hasnt told your friend something about you that has made your friend not bother with you ?

at the end of the day though i guess it doesnt matter what matters is how your coping and getting on with things each day as thats all you can focus on really

i am struggling with the death of my 16 year old son who died from stomach cancer
i am a single parent dad and i had to look after him on my own, its left me with scars that are never going to heal
xmas is coming up niether me nor my other kids want xmas anymore as it can never be the same without my son being there with us

so i have to cope with that constant yearning daily and wishing things were different etc

in the end i have to kick myself up the bum, i can not end up feeling sorry for myself as i have other kids who need me. i have to drag myself on through life with this heavy heart somedays its ok and others i just want to curl up in a ball and die

but i dont pick up a drink on it i dont take it out on anyone else i some how just cope and thats all any of us can do in this world we just have to cope and get on with it
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Old 11-08-2014, 10:32 AM
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What exactly is he doing to fix himself though? He say he doesnt want to hurt you so is he trying or making an effort to go to rehab/meetings? Until you get to the root cause of addiction nd why he uses most times it is to numb the pain from unresolved problems or trauma he will continue to use when something else triggers him. So for now words are just words. If hes willing to change he will show you otherwise its nothing but stalling time till the next relapse.
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Old 11-08-2014, 10:47 AM
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Im tired of everyone needing me! Im tired of feeling sorry for myself! Im just freaking tired. I will go on n i will get pass this some how. And i will become a better person for it!!!!!! And on my way to heaven ill be waving to my AH on his way down. I shall overcome this meth s***!
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Old 11-08-2014, 11:20 AM
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Sometimes you need a moment to yourself, do something that makes you feel better a mini spa day or go shopping. Its okay to say no when everyone needs you like you say. You can only give so much as one person without feeling emotionally drained. Be a little selfish and be kind to yourself, you deserve it. Let others fight their own battles and dont let their situation effect you. Nows the time to focus on you.
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Old 11-08-2014, 11:28 AM
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desypete--I am so sorry you lost your 16 year old son to stomach cancer...the death of a child is said to be the worst loss of all. You sound as if you did so much and have been doing so much for a while...and to lose your son must have felt like a huge kick in the stomach.

I lost my beloved son to SIDS 24 years ago...I had young children then and went on to have two subsequent children...I have always had faith (my upbringing) and started working with therapists and anything I could figure out to not let the rest of the family go down...and I am glad I did it. It kept me going through and getting through and then as my children started to use drugs...it kept me working to support them and ultimately I was able to work through a lot of hard consequences...the worst for me was that my religious (uber) family backed off after I followed up his death with helping my mom through the next 10 years of operations for a Dad who had a massive stroke the same year my son died.

They didn't back off...they never called me again or reached out after Dad died...and I was left in a void of intense pain and guilt and shame and abandonment. I did reach out to them...and then was their drama...but ultimately I figured out how to release in love as I had become the scapegoat of the family and remain it to this day and I couldn't allow that to take my whole life down after dealing with a child death.

I didn't even start to process the grief until 8 years after he passed away...was too busy taking care of family and dad and mom and working, etc.

Only 1 subsequent child believes there is a God and none of the rest (& that is fine by me--each person gets to believe and make their choices...al anon helps in believing in a higher power because it tells me that I didn't cause all of the bad stuff...which I am prone to doing--self blame).

The first Christmas after his death...in September...I couldn't get my body to get up off the couch...we have had some good Christmas' since but never without his memory...and knowledge in me...we made Christmas' good for the younger kids...but for years with the surviving kids (3) -- I did little things to recognize his life and continued present in our family -- from my grief work.

Your son's death is very very recent...the wound and gaping hole in your family system is still exuding grief and all the things that go with the loss of such an important member of your family...and it would be strange if it were not so. Grieving is not for the wimpy...it takes a lot and a long time...for a child especially.

Please know that although it is always a part of me...I am glad I got the help with my grieving and that I did what I could to alleviate it for my children--all are touched and I learned that my children were impacted by how it impacted me...

I am sending my care and prayers for you and yours...as this is a huge hole in your life and you had absolutely no control over it...but as a mother who has lost a son (no matter what age--it is absolute grief)--I know that I carried survivor's guilt for a very long time (hence the self work) and also...there is sadness that is always there but it no longer takes me down as badly as it did...when I cry it is not for him...but my current hurts and dealings...and time does much to heal.

Unfortunately time takes time...my deepest empathy to you and your family.
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