The addict wants to come home after leaving
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 21
The addict wants to come home after leaving
Hi everyone. I have been in a relationship with an addict for 3 years. Needless to say he was clean when we met and the best bf I ever had. ( they are tricky like that).
That lasted about 8 mos untill we moved to his hometown and the nightmare began. He has raised my son since he was 6 mo old. He tried a 30 day rehab that did not help at all. It has gotten to the point I was walking on eggshells in my home. He was always complaining about everything I did, to cover up his own crap im sure. always yelling, mean, hateful. Taking off every Friday with his $600.00 check coming home broke. Well 2 weeks ago I stayed at the hospital with my daughter while she gave birth. He left the house and wouldnt return calls or messages. He just started texting me yesterday saying how he screwed up and screwed everything up and left because hes tired of hurting me. He says Im the love of his life and dont want to lose me and with fix everything
Well I got an eviction notice 3 days after he left needless to say all the bills he said he was paing he wasnt. This is the 3rd place this has happened in. My daughter had her Father pay the rent that was behind lol that was not easy. And I find out all the bills are a month behind. ugh
Anyway Im having my doubts. I trully Love this man even after all the hell he has put me through. I was starting to see the light and the heartache was getting better, UNTILL he contacted me with his he loves and misses me messages. My family is super Mad that
Im even talking to him. My grown kids hate him at this point. (they used to support him and be friends with him even during his rehab) He has become hateful towards them also. I hate this and cant stand it.
My problem is he says he will go to rehab. They are all mad that its just one more roller coast ride He will put me on and it wont work for long. In the back of my head I just think How can I just give up on him if hes willing to go and I can get that old loving guy back? But my Children are fed up with him and say hes nothing but a low life druggie and will never change. HEs done some pretty mean things to me. Then will get better but go right back to his old ways. Im so confused and heart broken......
That lasted about 8 mos untill we moved to his hometown and the nightmare began. He has raised my son since he was 6 mo old. He tried a 30 day rehab that did not help at all. It has gotten to the point I was walking on eggshells in my home. He was always complaining about everything I did, to cover up his own crap im sure. always yelling, mean, hateful. Taking off every Friday with his $600.00 check coming home broke. Well 2 weeks ago I stayed at the hospital with my daughter while she gave birth. He left the house and wouldnt return calls or messages. He just started texting me yesterday saying how he screwed up and screwed everything up and left because hes tired of hurting me. He says Im the love of his life and dont want to lose me and with fix everything
Well I got an eviction notice 3 days after he left needless to say all the bills he said he was paing he wasnt. This is the 3rd place this has happened in. My daughter had her Father pay the rent that was behind lol that was not easy. And I find out all the bills are a month behind. ugh
Anyway Im having my doubts. I trully Love this man even after all the hell he has put me through. I was starting to see the light and the heartache was getting better, UNTILL he contacted me with his he loves and misses me messages. My family is super Mad that
Im even talking to him. My grown kids hate him at this point. (they used to support him and be friends with him even during his rehab) He has become hateful towards them also. I hate this and cant stand it.
My problem is he says he will go to rehab. They are all mad that its just one more roller coast ride He will put me on and it wont work for long. In the back of my head I just think How can I just give up on him if hes willing to go and I can get that old loving guy back? But my Children are fed up with him and say hes nothing but a low life druggie and will never change. HEs done some pretty mean things to me. Then will get better but go right back to his old ways. Im so confused and heart broken......
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: huntsville ar
Posts: 39
Im so sorry this is happening to you. I am going through aalmost the same thing but my husband of 28 yrs is Addict. Been doing this for 5 yrs. Please think very hafrd before you let him back. Its a horrible life deing with a addict. I ll love mine forever but he leaves comes back leaves comes over n over. Hes broken my heart n my family. Hes gone now n says he cant come back n hurt me anymore till he fixes himself n i agree. I have lost everything. I miss him so bad but like ive read here..... whats to miss! Being broke!not having nothing. Staying up waiting for him to come home. Borrowing money to pay bills. Cant do this no more. Going to meeting tonight to help myself. Best advice yet. I hope it doesnt take u as long as it has me to get help. My heart goes out to u.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Often we see our loved one's "potential." It's what they looked like before drug got ahold of them. It's what we see glimpses of on good days. The fact remains, as long as they are dancing with drugs, it's the number one thing in their life.
It's nothing personal, it is just that we are that important anymore. They are driven to use and it's progressive. You aren't giving up on him. It has nothing to do with you (yes, it does affect you).
Set some clear boundaries and stay consistent. This is to protect yourself and allow him to feel the brunt of his choices.
It's nothing personal, it is just that we are that important anymore. They are driven to use and it's progressive. You aren't giving up on him. It has nothing to do with you (yes, it does affect you).
Set some clear boundaries and stay consistent. This is to protect yourself and allow him to feel the brunt of his choices.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what's brought you here, but know that you've come to a really good place.
I don't think you're confused at all:
You admit that he's bad news. Your children see that he's bad news, and he behaves poorly towards them, too. So you're not confused about who and what he is.
In the nearly 3 years I've been rid of my AXGF, I've come to believe one thing very strongly: when someone shows you their character time and time again, pay attention. Because, in the case of an addict, those glimpses into what makes them tick tells us a lot. It's when we don't pay attention that we get into trouble.
And what is he now? He's become enough of a problem that you've come to us.
Yes, you're heartbroken, and I empathize with that. But hearts can mend, and if you want yours to mend, then kick him to the curb and remove him from your life. Permanently. You owe him nothing, and at this stage of the game, the probability that he's going to clean up his act and become a decent human being is quite small. Not zero, but within rounding error of zero.
Keep us posted.
I don't think you're confused at all:
It has gotten to the point I was walking on eggshells in my home. He was always complaining about everything I did, to cover up his own crap im sure. always yelling, mean, hateful. Taking off every Friday with his $600.00 check coming home broke.
HEs done some pretty mean things to me.
In the nearly 3 years I've been rid of my AXGF, I've come to believe one thing very strongly: when someone shows you their character time and time again, pay attention. Because, in the case of an addict, those glimpses into what makes them tick tells us a lot. It's when we don't pay attention that we get into trouble.
Needless to say he was clean when we met and the best bf I ever had.
Yes, you're heartbroken, and I empathize with that. But hearts can mend, and if you want yours to mend, then kick him to the curb and remove him from your life. Permanently. You owe him nothing, and at this stage of the game, the probability that he's going to clean up his act and become a decent human being is quite small. Not zero, but within rounding error of zero.
Keep us posted.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Hesperia, CA
Posts: 26
I myself have not been in contact with my ABF for three weeks. He left to get cigs and never came back. He start using meth 5 months ago but told me he had quit. This behavior shows me hadn't. I also remember things now that should of been red flags that he was still using. I love this man so much. Ok let me change that. I loved the man that he was before he started using. He sees his sister a lot and she feeds him and lets him crash there. But I never get a word from him. Our poor 10 month old does notice daddy isn't here. It sucks. These forums have saved my sanity. I am mourning the man I fell in love with because he no longer exists. I am to the point now I don't want him to contact us because I don't want to cave to his I am sorry and how much he loves me blah blah blah. All I know is until he is ready to stop what he is doing there is nothing I can do. I give it to the Lord. Sorry so long but I just want u to know I do know what you are going through. You are not alone.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
I and others can relate. And just like the kids that really don't like them we have family here that has smelled the stink for years.
They always want cable, a bed, a computer, food, a car, rides and of course money. I always wait for the money requests and wait to see the various forms they come in which includes approach and concept they are trying to sell you. The answer will be no or non reaction works well too.
They make close friends and family deal with them yet put on a show for their 'other' friends and family. Part of the reason they come home is that they are too embarrassed to let their other friends & family know how bad things really are. Even worse than embarrassment is that their arrogance wants to project a certain image-that of a person with their act together with no problems. This is the scary one and toughest mindset to break because it gives them a reason to put on act and not deal in reality. The problem one here, a laid off lower level executive yearS ago still thinks of himself as a Fortune Five Hundred ceo in waiting for the right opportunity. He'll accept help from close family and friends only but refuses to think he might have to start over with government assistance, entry level job and/or change his life/style completely. He also goes off anytime one of his "inner circle" of friends finds out how bad his status is but if they can't call them because one of the utilities was shut off or they are driven up in someone else's car as a passenger it doesn't take a genius to figure things out. Also the address of the month doesn't hide clues either.
Also he likes to identify with the homeless(actually living like a gypsy) and frequently uses words like "homeless" or "starving" when drumming sympathy to guilt or pitty you into giving money.
I see why codependency and enabling are big issues. Some don't like it because it forces the issue that include things getting worse before they get better but most won't take a hint, you have to spell out for them.
Good Luck
Peace!
They always want cable, a bed, a computer, food, a car, rides and of course money. I always wait for the money requests and wait to see the various forms they come in which includes approach and concept they are trying to sell you. The answer will be no or non reaction works well too.
They make close friends and family deal with them yet put on a show for their 'other' friends and family. Part of the reason they come home is that they are too embarrassed to let their other friends & family know how bad things really are. Even worse than embarrassment is that their arrogance wants to project a certain image-that of a person with their act together with no problems. This is the scary one and toughest mindset to break because it gives them a reason to put on act and not deal in reality. The problem one here, a laid off lower level executive yearS ago still thinks of himself as a Fortune Five Hundred ceo in waiting for the right opportunity. He'll accept help from close family and friends only but refuses to think he might have to start over with government assistance, entry level job and/or change his life/style completely. He also goes off anytime one of his "inner circle" of friends finds out how bad his status is but if they can't call them because one of the utilities was shut off or they are driven up in someone else's car as a passenger it doesn't take a genius to figure things out. Also the address of the month doesn't hide clues either.
Also he likes to identify with the homeless(actually living like a gypsy) and frequently uses words like "homeless" or "starving" when drumming sympathy to guilt or pitty you into giving money.
I see why codependency and enabling are big issues. Some don't like it because it forces the issue that include things getting worse before they get better but most won't take a hint, you have to spell out for them.
Good Luck
Peace!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Im so confused and heart broken......
no, no you're not. you just want him to be someone else. you want to believe that if HE gets "better" it will make everything ok. and all the crap you've been through will be worth it.
He's robbed you blind, left you evicted, heaped abuse on you, alienated your children....WHY do you want MORE? you need to look deep inside yourself for the answers....not to him. he can't fix you. you can fix you.
as far as him going to rehab, GREAT - hope he goes, hope it sticks. but YOU are not required to do anything about that. nor should you hitch your future to the same person who has helped make such a mess of your present. he's toxic to you. you are toxic to him.
no, no you're not. you just want him to be someone else. you want to believe that if HE gets "better" it will make everything ok. and all the crap you've been through will be worth it.
He's robbed you blind, left you evicted, heaped abuse on you, alienated your children....WHY do you want MORE? you need to look deep inside yourself for the answers....not to him. he can't fix you. you can fix you.
as far as him going to rehab, GREAT - hope he goes, hope it sticks. but YOU are not required to do anything about that. nor should you hitch your future to the same person who has helped make such a mess of your present. he's toxic to you. you are toxic to him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 21
Thank you everyone for the support!. I must ask How am I toxic to him? That almost makes me feel im in some way to blame
So he messaged me today and asked what I was doing I said thinking. HE asked about what and I asked him If when he left he wasnt thinking or caring about me but to get his high. He said yes I asked him If he still felt that way and he said he didnt know what he felt or wanted.
It is sooo hard not to hold on to what once was and what could be. If only if only he could get clean if only he were his old self. Those are the only small pieces of string that are left
So he messaged me today and asked what I was doing I said thinking. HE asked about what and I asked him If when he left he wasnt thinking or caring about me but to get his high. He said yes I asked him If he still felt that way and he said he didnt know what he felt or wanted.
It is sooo hard not to hold on to what once was and what could be. If only if only he could get clean if only he were his old self. Those are the only small pieces of string that are left
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
It is sooo hard not to hold on to what once was and what could be. If only if only he could get clean if only he were his old self.
Besides, since your kids can't stand him, you might want to consider paying attention to that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
A common theme I see in most threads and in live meetings are "I love him/her so much." You know what, I was saying that about my son too, and then one day I said the truth, I said, I hate that little lying son-of-a-bit--. At that very moment I hated myself and I hated him too; I hated myself for what I was doing and I hated him for what he was doing. I wasn't eat up with love, I was eat up with hate, broken promises, disappointment, fear, rage, and a lot of days just literally sick at my stomach because I refused to see the truth.
I wallowed in that misery long enough and until it made me sick enough that I had to do something. I didn't love him when he was calling me and telling me his kids were hungry, he had no gas, they were going to shut off his electricity, that he didn't care about himself but he hated for the kids to be cold. I paid his electric bill and bought gas and groceries out of my own neediness. I don't have the intense feelings of hate for him after going to AlAnon and with a lot of prayer. I'm refuse to live that way anymore.
Another thing I've been thinking about recently is the word love and how in my opinion it's so overrated. It's gooey and soppy and sick when an addict is involved. It's like a mantra, I love him, I love him so much, I'll always love him, I've never loved like that before, I'll love him till my dying day, I love him because he's my son, I love him because we've been together for so many years, and, and, and, and, and --- And we say it so much that we believe our own lie. I've stopped saying that. I still get sick feelings.
This I do know. My husband has 25 years sobriety. He puts me first, he's thoughtful, he's considerate, he's a man of principles. When he tells a business associate he'll calll them he calls them right on time. He shows up, he's present emotionally, physically, he's protective of his wife, property, and takes pride in his home. I respect him, I admire him, I appreciate him, and he takes care of himself. I listen to his words and watch his actions. They match. Somebody told me one time that if you listen to a person long enough they'll tell you who they are and I think they're right.
I wallowed in that misery long enough and until it made me sick enough that I had to do something. I didn't love him when he was calling me and telling me his kids were hungry, he had no gas, they were going to shut off his electricity, that he didn't care about himself but he hated for the kids to be cold. I paid his electric bill and bought gas and groceries out of my own neediness. I don't have the intense feelings of hate for him after going to AlAnon and with a lot of prayer. I'm refuse to live that way anymore.
Another thing I've been thinking about recently is the word love and how in my opinion it's so overrated. It's gooey and soppy and sick when an addict is involved. It's like a mantra, I love him, I love him so much, I'll always love him, I've never loved like that before, I'll love him till my dying day, I love him because he's my son, I love him because we've been together for so many years, and, and, and, and, and --- And we say it so much that we believe our own lie. I've stopped saying that. I still get sick feelings.
This I do know. My husband has 25 years sobriety. He puts me first, he's thoughtful, he's considerate, he's a man of principles. When he tells a business associate he'll calll them he calls them right on time. He shows up, he's present emotionally, physically, he's protective of his wife, property, and takes pride in his home. I respect him, I admire him, I appreciate him, and he takes care of himself. I listen to his words and watch his actions. They match. Somebody told me one time that if you listen to a person long enough they'll tell you who they are and I think they're right.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Originally Posted by Lovehurtswaddic 
Thank you everyone for the support!. I must ask How am I toxic to him? That almost makes me feel im in some way to blame
So he messaged me today and asked what I was doing I said thinking. HE asked about what and I asked him If when he left he wasnt thinking or caring about me but to get his high. He said yes I asked him If he still felt that way and he said he didnt know what he felt or wanted.
It is sooo hard not to hold on to what once was and what could be. If only if only he could get clean if only he were his old self. Those are the only small pieces of string that are left
So he messaged me today and asked what I was doing I said thinking. HE asked about what and I asked him If when he left he wasnt thinking or caring about me but to get his high. He said yes I asked him If he still felt that way and he said he didnt know what he felt or wanted.
It is sooo hard not to hold on to what once was and what could be. If only if only he could get clean if only he were his old self. Those are the only small pieces of string that are left
I lived for years on the words "if only", waiting for the Magic to happen, for him to sober up so that we could live happily ever after. I listened to every promise he made, all those hopeful words that meant nothing.
What are you doing to take care of yourself in all this stress? Can you get to Alanon or Naranon meetings?
Hugs.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
IMO, his timing - wanting to come - is right on schedule now that the rent has been paid.
What are you getting out if this "relationship?" Why don't you think you deserve better? Those are the questions I needed to address too.
What are you getting out if this "relationship?" Why don't you think you deserve better? Those are the questions I needed to address too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 21
So I broke it off with him and it was one of the hardest things ive ever done. He said he will never forgive himself for the things hes done to me and will always love me. He said he hopes I find a guy who will treat me like he used too. And all of that made me want to take him back. Im really struggling with this I miss him...I just want to call him and tell him to come home that we can get through this. I know im sounding like a crazy person
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
And all of that made me want to take him back.
And let's play this out. You take him back, he behaves himself for a week, and then you're right back to where you currently are, wondering what the hell happened.
His words are empty. His actions show he's bad news. Don't believe otherwise.
As for the heartache/pain, I feel for you. It really, really sucks. But the deal that you're going to have to cut with yourself is you'll need to ride it out. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Hold firm on your boundaries, your values, and your morals. And you will get through this, in time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 21
thank you so much for responding. Its so hard to think of him being with someone else. I guess I just keep thinking he will get better and be with someone else and I had given up on him. As you can see im not outside looking in yet. My mind is going crazy. I know heroin is a hard drug to get off of, of course hes saying thats not what hes doing he says it pills. Crazy to think pills can cause you to do all of this. I find it hard to believe he isnt doing heroin again
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I guess I just keep thinking he will get better and be with someone else and I had given up on him.
If he was the least bit serious about embracing recovery, he would need to forgo any sort of romantic relationship because he wouldn't have the bandwidth to be a committed, accountable partner. He would have to learn how to be accountable to himself.
What evidence is there that he's ready to do that?
And if perchance he did start something up with another woman, she'd be in your shoes before long.
Relationships, healthy ones, need to be more than banging the snot out of each other. That's the easy part of it. He can do that stuff. But because he's empty, he would fail at doing the hard work necessary to sustain the relationship.
You've lost nothing. What you have done is removed a sick person sucking on your soul. No one said that would be easy, but you did it, and you're to be commended for that.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
Originally Posted by Txhelp
Often we see our loved one's "potential." It's what they looked like before drug got ahold of them. It's what we see glimpses of on good days. The fact remains, as long as they are dancing with drugs, it's the number one thing in their life.
It's nothing personal, it is just that we are that important anymore. They are driven to use and it's progressive. You aren't giving up on him. It has nothing to do with you (yes, it does affect you).
Set some clear boundaries and stay consistent. This is to protect yourself and allow him to feel the brunt of his choices.
It's nothing personal, it is just that we are that important anymore. They are driven to use and it's progressive. You aren't giving up on him. It has nothing to do with you (yes, it does affect you).
Set some clear boundaries and stay consistent. This is to protect yourself and allow him to feel the brunt of his choices.
Stay well stay safe.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 21
Well He is still gone although I had a moment of weakness thursda and let him come talk to me. He said he wasnt going to rehab or anything like that. He also said the only drugs he is now doing is weed. lol Ive been hearing hes using heroin again though. I really doubt even if it was pills and not heroin hes not just going to stop and start smoking weed.
He messaged me tonight saying he wasnted to see me and cuddle hmm lol I didnt respond to him. My children keep giving me lectures about how bad he is and I could do 10 times better and in time I will see that. I hope they are right...
He messaged me tonight saying he wasnted to see me and cuddle hmm lol I didnt respond to him. My children keep giving me lectures about how bad he is and I could do 10 times better and in time I will see that. I hope they are right...
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