"I'm Not Going Away"
 

Nice article by William Cope Moyers. I've always struggled with the cutting all ties approach. The article suggests a different strategy. Thought I'd share.


'I'm Not Going Away' on Creators.com

"Yet too often, people are told to "let go" because they are powerless to change that person. Though it is important to set boundaries and enforce expectations to protect everyone else's well-being, cutting all ties usually won't salve the hurt, much less free anyone from the worry and the need to know what is happening to the addict."

Letting go means different things for different people. For me, it meant letting go of trying to control my daughter's _____.

Letting go or detaching has never equaled no contact. I'm disappointed that someone with Moyers experience would perpetuate the misconception.

Thanks SeekingGrowth... there really are so many misconceptions out there.. I was just reading something from a clinician who said a father thought he was making a mistake cooking breakfast for his daughter because sometimes she still smokes pot. So he felt that by being nice to her, doing for her what she could do for herself was enabling, and was maybe showing her he approved of her behavior; which he did not...

the clinician pointed this out as just one of the horrible misconceptions out there ... where detachment is considered a necessary action...it often comes into play and begins to undermine relationships. And those family relations are often the very thing that helps motivate change and often encourages the acceptance of treatment.

I don't think Moyers is perpetuating a misconception here - I think he is addressing one. It is difficult for anyone to draw the line between enabling and support, and I think that sometimes, people interpret the concepts of detachment and letting go as another means of control - I will detach, go 'no contact' so I can help my addict hit bottom, and in that way, I am pushing him towards recovery. We are codependent, after all; we are inclined to try to control our addict and the disease, despite the Alanon mantra.

It is very difficult, I think, to let go without anger, to detach without an undercurrent of retribution, because by the time we get to that point, we have been hurt repeatedly by our addict. I think it is important to remember that when we decide to let go, to detach - to perhaps even go no contact - we are doing so for us, to protect our health and sanity, and not because we think our behavior will influence the addict. If we are doing it to have an impact on the addict, then we are just doing the same thing we always do - trying to control our addict and his disease.

I think the article is helpful in pointing out that detachment doesn't necessarily mean no contact, and some support is OK. I think those who love and want to help an addict in their lives often struggle with this. That being said, I acknowledge that there are times when no contact is necessary for self-preservation, and I would never be critical of someone who makes that very difficult and painful choice.

I totally agree with you.

If one goes no contact to save themselves then they must and should.

However, as suggested in the article, if they can keep contact with strong boundaries, then that feels more comfortable to me at least.

Thanks for sharing the article. It makes me feel better because it is what I am doing right now.

Kari