New here. Problems with brother and dad :(

Old 11-02-2014, 01:33 PM
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New here. Problems with brother and dad :(

Hi there,
Have just joined the site as I feel a bit out of my depth with the addictions of my brother and father. My dad is an alcoholic and drinks everyday, he's made some terrible decisions over the last few years regarding money/property etc.

My brother is addicted to cocaine and has started using when he was about 20 I think (he's now 35). He's suffered 2 heart attacks and nearly went to prison for fraud. He has been in rehab twice and the 2nd time manager to stay clean for about 5/6 months. He's a liar and you never can believe a word he says. He's living in a v stressful situation at home (lives with my mum, v complicated finances regarding equity & investment in the property). He has asked to stay with us (me, my other half and our three children aged 5, 2 & 5 months. Said he's been told he has weeks to live and needs a safe house to make other plans. But I don't want him around my children really, is that bad to say? I love him and don't think he'd bring drugs here but how can I risk it?

If he is weeks away from dying and is currently showing awareness of his health, is there anything I can do to help without enabling him?

I feel so sad, he's got a terrible habit. Is super skinny & is getting over Bell's palsy. He's such a mess.

Xx
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Old 11-02-2014, 01:57 PM
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Since he only has weeks to live, I'm sure he will very soon be needing 24/7 care and a hospice would be a much better ending than an active family with 3 young children. Typically staff at hospices are the most kindest and compassionate people that can control his pain, tend to his needs, and provide emotional comfort. Along with the possibility of him bringing cocaine or other narcotics into the home, it would also be quite traumatizing to the children to have to watch his suffering and passing.
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Old 11-02-2014, 02:07 PM
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I am so sorry to hear this Cazza - my nephew who lives in Alaska is on heroine - was in the hospital and now left - don't know where he is or nothing. From all these people on here this site is a God send! I totally agree with cynical one - having him with you and your children will be awfully difficult. Don't know where for him to go - but what was said by cynical - I agree!

God BLess you!♥
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Old 11-02-2014, 02:27 PM
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Thank you for the replies. What he's saying is that he needs a safe house for a couple of days to break the cycle before making further plans. He said if he can stop he will buy himself sometime and could have heart surgery which will buy him a few more years. The problem is he lies with such ease that you never know what the truth is. He did say that he wants to give recovery one more chance and then if it doesn't work he will 'cash in his chips', meaning he'll just let the addiction take him or commit suicide possibly.

I'd love to help him but have done this 3 or 4 times before when he's needed to escape but we didn't have children then. My oldest brother hates him, my dad is currently living abroad and has his own problems (but is so far in denial it's rediculous) and he and my mum have fallen out terribly over money and she's currently taking him to court!! I so desperately want him to seek professional help and have told him so in a non judgemental way, but he's gone quiet now. Ive had my fair share of conflicts with him in the past and have had to disengage at times.

This forum is amazing! Thank you for the quick replies xx
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Old 11-02-2014, 02:51 PM
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Cazza,

I can so relate - with my nephew he's been through rehab 4 times and now - I don't know where he is. His father, mother and grandmother have no clue what is going on. Just my sister and myself.

All we can do is pray for them. And as one friend on here already told me....take care of yourself!

♥Tina
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Old 11-02-2014, 02:56 PM
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Hello, CAZZA1982

While reading your post the first thought that came to my mind was the awful predictaments our addicted loved ones put us in. My son was 2 years old when my addicted brother came to stay with me and my husband. A big-time drug dealer came to the house to collect some money from my brother, which he didn't have. They both put us in danger. It was as if he robbed us of our innocence.

I know what it was like having my brother there with one child. I couldn't have nor would I do it with three little children. The children deserve to feel safe in their own home.

My brother was also physically ill at that time. He was so needy that he was worse than my child. He didn't stay long, probably a few weeks, but it was a constant strain in the house with my mother calling me to see how my brother was, my dad and sister calling to see how he was. It was also costly. My every waking moment was devoted to his care. I can't even begin to tell you how emotionally draining it was.

Cynical One offered a wise suggestion, if he indeed has only a few weeks to live, hospice is comprised of nothing but highly trained skilled professionals. I know I wouldn't be qualified to handle such complicated medical issues. My brother-in-law had hospice and I was so impressed with the way they handled him, literally took over for my sister.

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
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Old 11-02-2014, 03:59 PM
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djlook,

How did you deal with your brother being an addict? My nephew is and I don't know how to deal with it. I"m trying my best with all the help from here - but he left where he had shelter "hospital". And I know he will be calling me for money which I will not give him. I am sure he will try and get it with guilt - but I will not enable him.
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Old 11-02-2014, 04:56 PM
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Cazza,

Welcome to the Board. To have a parent and a sibling struggling with addiction issues must be a horrible thing to watch.

But regarding your brother, you've already drawn the line:

But I don't want him around my children really, is that bad to say?
No, it's not a bad thing to say. This reflects the view of any responsible parent. Your brother has self destructed, and by your own admission, he's a liar. Why introduce that element to your home when you don't have to.

And you don't have to.

If your brother is really close to death, then cynical_one is absolutely correct about hospice being a more appropriate setting for his final days.

Regarding your father, sadly, there's nothing you can do about that either. See, when those in active addiction are so determined to feed that addiction, the right play is to stay out of their way. Otherwise, they'll pull you down with them.

Your responsibilities begin and end with your children. So do what you have to do to ensure they're not touched at all by the dysfunction your father and brother bring.

Again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 11-02-2014, 08:29 PM
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I agree with the hospice thing. It's amazing the things that the addict will say to increase their chances for "help." MY son used the.."I am going to rehab" card in order to come and stay with us overnight (about 3 times) and never went to rehab. There was always "something" to keep him from checking in.

It's not that you shouldn't believe that he has weeks to live. It's very sad but really...there are options out there that won't compromise everyone's peace.
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Old 11-03-2014, 01:08 AM
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Oh Tina that's so sad about your nephew.. How old is he? My brother was always a total partyhead as a young man but at the time, being three years younger, and a bit of a party goer myself I thought he was really cool. The addiction is just awful and he is a total conman, commiting fraud and going through huge sums of money.

Djlook.. Where did your brother go to from yours? Unfortunately my dad is also asking to come and stay again, as he said he needs to rent somewhere and then bring his wife over so she can work. I just can't do it again, it's only two weeks since he stayed last time on his way out of the country (after falling out with his family for freeloading off his brother for 1.5 years). I feel like they all flock to us! I would love to help my brother and have suggested that I accompany him to the support services in this area. No response. Oh hang on he has just text me and said he will meet us to discuss it once the kids are in bed.. Does this sound ok? I feel sick about the whole thing. Maybe I should arrange to meet him somewhere I don't know.

Zoso you are right, my family are my prioryi and this whole dysfunctional system is affecting me, making me a snappy parent at times. I don't want to be like this and I don't want my children to be affected by my brother and dad, it's just awful.

Txhelp I have no idea where the lies stop and truth begins anymore. My mum has seen a letter that says his heart tests are clear but he's saying its hanging on by a thread. But he's skinny and gaunt and just looks horrendous xxx
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Old 11-03-2014, 05:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Cazza1982 View Post
Oh Tina that's so sad about your nephew.. How old is he? My brother was always a total partyhead as a young man but at the time, being three years younger, and a bit of a party goer myself I thought he was really cool. The addiction is just awful and he is a total conman, commiting fraud and going through huge sums of money.

Djlook.. Where did your brother go to from yours? Unfortunately my dad is also asking to come and stay again, as he said he needs to rent somewhere and then bring his wife over so she can work. I just can't do it again, it's only two weeks since he stayed last time on his way out of the country (after falling out with his family for freeloading off his brother for 1.5 years). I feel like they all flock to us! I would love to help my brother and have suggested that I accompany him to the support services in this area. No response. Oh hang on he has just text me and said he will meet us to discuss it once the kids are in bed.. Does this sound ok? I feel sick about the whole thing. Maybe I should arrange to meet him somewhere I don't know.

Zoso you are right, my family are my prioryi and this whole dysfunctional system is affecting me, making me a snappy parent at times. I don't want to be like this and I don't want my children to be affected by my brother and dad, it's just awful.

Txhelp I have no idea where the lies stop and truth begins anymore. My mum has seen a letter that says his heart tests are clear but he's saying its hanging on by a thread. But he's skinny and gaunt and just looks horrendous xxx
Is it possible to call his bluff? Have him make a doctor's appointment and you accompany him. As far as I know, the doctor would need his permission to give you his prognosis but his permission shouldn't be a problem if he is telling the truth. If it isn't the truth, he will make some excuse not to go to the appointment or not to give permission. Then, you'd have your answer. He'd be lying about his condition. I would absolutely have to know, from the doctor's mouth, face to face, if he is lying about dying.

If he is dying, discuss hospice with the doctor or options.

So sorry you are going through this.

Hugs, Kari
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Old 11-03-2014, 05:55 AM
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CAZZA1982.

The best I remember he went to a 30-day treatment facility. He was facing a jail sentence and chose treatment instead. He would go to jail, get out, go to my mother's; go to my father's, back to jail, get out, got back to his ex-wife; go to treatment, get out, go to my mother's. At one time he had quite a long period of sobriety, but it had nothing to do with what we as his family did or did not do. He was at the mercy of society the last few years of his life and it was sad and painful to stand by helplessly and watch him destroy himself, but that's path he chose and that's the way he wanted to live, lying, cheating, stealing. It's not as if he didn't know any better, he did. He just refused to accept the help the treatment centers and jail programs offered him. He didn't want any treatment because what he was doing kept working for him, living off of everybody else. His thinking was his life turned out to be S--- and, by damn, it was everybody else's fault. My brother also went through hundreds of thousands of dollars, mostly his wife's family's money, anybody's money, he didn't care. He had quite a large drug dealing business out of the country, but you know how that is, easy come, easy go. The only thing it bought him was a 9 year prison sentence.

My brother and my father both had been successful businessmen, held in high regard in the community. They both died in a hopeless state of mind and body, both drunk and high, dying at 53 and 54 years old, my brother in a car wreck and my dad in a hospital begging for a beer on his deathbed.

I cannot stress strongly enough to you to get into AlAnon. I beg of you to get some help for yourself. You cannot help your brother or your father. As long as they're drinking and using, they're going to use you up and you're going to end up like they are, drained and not being able to properly take care of your children.

And I say this with all due respect, your children will suffer because of what you're not doing, not what your brother and father are doing.

Maybe if you sit and write this out and look at the pattern you'll see in black and white that nothing you've done, said, paid for, or arranged has had any effect on your father or your brother. It's affected you, but not them. You can break this cycle by saying no this time.

If we ourselves want to get well, because we're as sick as they are, we have to learn how to react differently to someone else's demands. The kicker is when we do finally learn how we can get out of the problem and into the solution, then we have to do it. If we don't, it's the same as the alcoholic/addict going to treatment, learning what they can do to arrest their disease, and then they don't follow up.

Change is hard. There is fear associated with any change. If you decide to get into recovery for yourself you are not abandoning your father and brother. My husband, who's been sober for 25 years, says when we do what's right for ourselves it's always what's right for the other person.

We get addicted to taking care of addicts and alcoholics. We waste years of our lives taking care of people who won't take care of themselves because we're doing it for them, and all the time we're doing it for them we're just resenting the hell out of.

Again, I beg of you to seek some outside help for you, whether it be AlAnon or whatever program you choose, just do it. You know what? By you stepping out there and taking some action, there is hope that your children won't do what you're doing, spending your entire day, afraid that you're not doing enough, because when you're involved with practicing alcoholics and addicts no matter what you do, it isn't good enough. It's like pouring everything your soul into a big black hole.

Find an AlAnon meeting, go, and be a mother to those little children and not a mother to your father and brother. They'll be alright. Let them figure it out.

I continue to pray for you and your family.
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Old 11-03-2014, 07:51 AM
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Cazza - he is 28 years old. He too was a party kid - always wanting to 'fit in'. My sister tried to help, I've been trying to help. Everybody has but he doesn't want it. He tells me he hates but he needs money for food $300. It's always $300 - so I figured that's what the heroine cost! My sister tells me to be strong and not to answer the phone if he calls because he will try and use me and make me feel sorry for him. I've come to "kind of" grips that he did it to himself. He had help but he threw it away.... All I can do is pray for him. For the past two days all I have been doing is crying and not eating. My husband tries to support me telling me to try and stop beating myself up with this. And like I said he has had helped many times but......
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Old 11-03-2014, 08:09 AM
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alwaysthere4u

Hang in there, go through it, do what your sister and husband tell you to do. If you don't give him the money for the heroin he'll find it somewhere else.
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Old 11-03-2014, 08:18 AM
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Ok you need some solid thoughts and plans
1. go with him to the Doctor if he is going to live with you you need to know now real heath what to look for and how to deal with it...
2. POA if his health is so bad and he has income and property.. he needs a will now and a Living will... and you need access to his life changes and information with Doctor and Hospital..
3. and Huge Ground Rules of your House Bathroom and Children...
and trash that he will leave laying around.. if he is dying there are problems with fluids from his system and the children in your home as they are so little..
4. Lay down the Law Your House Your Rules and No If At's or Butt's

sorry all... have done to much in my life to care for to many.. and with my Hubby and his family Its my House My money that cares for him and me and my Laws ... had a bit of a turn out on Sat night with a friend of his niece Dummy said he knew who to buy Pot from I went thro the Roof.. and Ed's Mom and Dad stood the ground with me for once. CAZZ

If you want to help your Brother you have to be the Ruling Female Adult.. will not be easy ... but Stand Tall Hold the High Ground and Be very very Firm in Voicing the RULES for the rest of his life.. love ardy...and a ton of Prayers....



Originally Posted by Cazza1982 View Post
Thank you for the replies. What he's saying is that he needs a safe house for a couple of days to break the cycle before making further plans. He said if he can stop he will buy himself sometime and could have heart surgery which will buy him a few more years. The problem is he lies with such ease that you never know what the truth is. He did say that he wants to give recovery one more chance and then if it doesn't work he will 'cash in his chips', meaning he'll just let the addiction take him or commit suicide possibly.

I'd love to help him but have done this 3 or 4 times before when he's needed to escape but we didn't have children then. My oldest brother hates him, my dad is currently living abroad and has his own problems (but is so far in denial it's rediculous) and he and my mum have fallen out terribly over money and she's currently taking him to court!! I so desperately want him to seek professional help and have told him so in a non judgemental way, but he's gone quiet now. Ive had my fair share of conflicts with him in the past and have had to disengage at times.

This forum is amazing! Thank you for the quick replies xx
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Old 11-03-2014, 11:36 AM
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Hi Kari, my brother is (obviously) not particularly open about the whole medical process. He's had 2 heart attacks already & gets bad chest pains. I'm not sure he would want anyone with him & it might seem a strange request given that I've separated our lives from his quite a lot. I might have been more inclined to ask to accompany him if we were saying yes to him staying with us but me and my other half have discussed it and concluded that the answer is no. I don't feel it's appropriate to have him basically detoxing in a home with young children... It would be stressful for us and him, and I don't want my children exposed to anymore dysfunction.

Djlook thank you for your reply it was very helpful. So sad to read about your brother and fathers plight. It really is such a shockingly awful disease. My dad has always been a drinker and to be honest I thought that it was normal to drink everyday (always when he got in from work, all day at the weekends). Even as a grown up I didn't totally get it until a couple of years ago when my oldest brother said once he retired he just sat in his kitchen drinking all day and got the bus to the pub often & come back drunk. Then when he started staying once he had supposedly emigrated 4 years ago I noticed that he was drinking all the time (excuses to go to pub during the day for a 'walk' and then beer/wine/scotch in the evenings, always offering it to us. I have thought about alanon. My mum had been going but stopped (she's really affected by the addiction of my brother and father and has become embroiled in it, unhelpful behaviours etc). I am interested in giving it a go but the only problem I have is that the local group is at my children's bedtime and I need to feed the baby. Maybe when I get her taking a bottle I could give it a try. I think because I've been keeping my distance from him (or he from us) I haven't felt as tied up in the whole mess until he asked to stay... But then I do suffer the madness from my mum and of course the needs and requests of my father.. It feels like everyone's gone mad and actually my mums presence may actually be even more damaging because she visits twice a week and always offloads on me, in front of the kids even though I ask her not to

Alwaysthere4u.. That's so sad, such a young age but an age when people are normally getting over the mistakes of their youth and making a decent life for themselves. You are right you need to stay strong because no money will ever help. I've learnt this from my dad and brother. My dad remortgaged his house, sent all the money to his wife in Thailand to pay off the house, more requests, more money sent, always kept enough for his drink but not his living costs over here.. Asking me to guarantor loans for him (said no). My brother has made almost millions I imagine through fraud & dodgy businesses, loans etc. none of it put to good use.

Ardy.. Think I will have to assume the responsible female role, being assertive and saying no to dad and brothers requests. I can't let either of them stay anymore, I don't want it around me or the children. I am more than happy to have dinner/coffee and be supportive in a loving and concerned capacity but I can't effectively parent them as well. I love my fiancé and babies and our little life, it's hectic but loving and rewarding (and exhausting lol!!!!). I just don't want my environment being turned into a toxic one, hence I need more boundaries with my mother as well. Thank you for your reply xxx
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Old 11-03-2014, 12:11 PM
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Btw I've had my own issues with drugs in my late teens & early twenties. I was in an abusive relationship for two years in my early 20s and have engaged in long periods of therapy which were extremely helpful.. Just so you know that I'm not averse to seeking support. I have grown a lot over the last 10 years and at times I wonder if it was having my children that saved me.. But I had already been in therapy for a long time before I became pregnant and had a LOT of determination to sort out my problems. I almost don't recognise the person I was back then, it was horrid. Xx
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Old 11-04-2014, 03:51 PM
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Was told by oldest brother that they think somebody is out to get my brother (the addicted one). He's sleeping with a hockey stick & mum knows something. So it is entirely possible that he is lying about having only a few weeks to live in order to get us to take him in to protect him! It's all a web of lies and it's hurting my head to be honest. If someone is after him and he lied about having only a few weeks left then I'm not quite sure how I proceed. He didn't come round to discuss rehab/support, am guessinghe wasn't really at rock bottom!! Only problem is that he promised my 5 year old fireworks tomorrow and I really don't want him here. Sorry for selfish rant! Xx
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